Castiel233 Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 The Scheme of Damnation: In the Beginning God created the world, because He’s God, so up yours. Creates man, calls him Adam and parades animals in front of him, in the hope they could match up. Match up not found, creates Eve (nice abs and buns yet to be confirmed) Adam and Eve perfect match up (Whew) much happiness Plants magic tree nearby, bearing enchanted fruit, tells security Angels to “Stand down” Informs first humans they must never ever, ever eat said fruit. Informs Satan of location of Adam and Eve….and tree Fucks off Chaos ensures Boots children out of garden Selects chosen people, gives them some very strange rules and regulations Accepts animal sacrifices, introduces waterboarding for entire planet Intermission for several centuries Knocks up engaged virgin, gives birth to Himself, in a manner of speaking Talks in parables to confuse flock, over throws some of His previous (and eternal rules) Allows self to be put to death, despite prayer to self, asking self to relieve Him of the burden He was going to put Himself through. Dies, goes to Hell Spot of preaching Comes back to life Fly’s back home on cloud Inspires followers to write down earthly visits. Followers cannot agree completely with all accounts. Two of them, Paul and Peter disagree on doctrine, have a row. Peter, despite knowing God and living with Him on Earth loses. Lets humans know there is to be eternal suffering after death in lake of fire, He has created, doesn’t let humans know for certain how to avoid fate. Mission accomplished, sits back, listening to constant praise, votes Republican 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 It makes perfect sense! Oh wait, no it doesn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted June 27, 2014 Super Moderator Share Posted June 27, 2014 Great summation of christinsanity! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongWayAround Posted June 27, 2014 Share Posted June 27, 2014 ... introduces waterboarding for entire planet Made me laugh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
francesco Posted June 28, 2014 Share Posted June 28, 2014 which translation of bible is this? are u inspired by holy ghost when wrote this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castiel233 Posted June 28, 2014 Author Share Posted June 28, 2014 I think what I have written broadly sums up Christian Theology without the need for divine inspiration : ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leo Posted June 30, 2014 Share Posted June 30, 2014 Not bad. Made me laugh. LeoReads like a tourism brochure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xtify Posted July 1, 2014 Share Posted July 1, 2014 That made me laugh. I loved the wording "Knocks up engaged virgin, gives birth to Himself" So, tell me again how this is not mythical? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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