How Do You Handle The Religion Question With People You Just Met?

[ClaraOlive]

I smile warmly and say "I'm an atheist". If invited to church, the answer is "thank you so much for inviting me, but I'm an atheist and I'm not interested in going to a church".

 

I've definitely noticed regional differences. When I lived in rural Virginia, the question of religion or church came up all the time (so did inquiries about my race), sometimes from complete strangers. Since moving away from that area, I can barely think of a time when it's come up. I have friends here who are Christians and theists who I had known for months or years before anything about their beliefs came up at all, and even then it was a throwaway comment instead of an attempt to proselytize.

[wyson]

No one ever asks me. At least not in London, UK. 95% of the people I meet are not religious. Its quite common for people to say they were raised in religion but now don't take it seriously. The one Christian I met, she didn't even ask, even as she was introducing her Christian self. She just assumed I didn't attend church. Its quite good living in a major metropolitan centre! Infact having left the church for over 10 years, apart from a handful of true friends from those days, I know very few and meet very few. Its great!

To answer your question, I would have done the same as you and just let that old pool lady assume away and just smile politely and change the topic... exactly what you did. If they didn't get the hint, I'd tell them I believe in science and things I can see. I think it freaks believers out if you tell them you don't believe in anything or are atheist. They expect an I believe in this, you believe in what exchange.

 

Then if they then introduced biblical concepts, I would talk about equivalent secular ideas eg. psychotherapy, or string theory or what not.

 

And then if they accused me of being an atheist or asked me to go to church, I would tell them I would believe in God / attend church if there were scientific evidence of God's existence.  Which is true!

 

At least this is what I learned on a communications skills course.  It will shut down the conversation / make people feel defensive if you present yourself in opposition to their beliefs.  It should be I'm OK, your OK!  

[Leo]

Wise words in the last post.

Only problem is, with evangelicals in the U.S., I'm okay, you're okay, is sort of a trigger response from them. They're told that is damnable heresy and they can't be seen to accept it. I think it's all the trigger responses that U.S.-based evangelicals have that poses more trouble than not. They can completely flip out if you mention human happiness as a goal, or love as the greatest thing. you can perhaps get away with fidelity - as that leads to patriotism, and with some at least, honor. But mention anything humanitarian that doesn't have a Jesus-based ulterior motive, you get the lemming trigger responses. They might class you a feel-good Christian before they know you're an atheist. And for many of them that is damnable, and drives them to paroxysms. The challenge is they get jumpy with certain phrases and concepts that most normally developed high-functioning adults would not even consider a problem.

[Lucynia]

I have the perfect church "beard" for such situations, so I don't have any great advice for dealing with the faith question. I love Florduh's response, very subtle and not explicitly offensive.

 

When people ask me what church I attend, I get to honestly say "My husband and I run X ministry at ABC Church." And that gets me through any situation where I need to be cautious.

 

I think if someone asked me to go to church with them and didn't accept a polite brush off, I would give them an earful about women's rights, gay rights, racial equality, and similar issues. Just make them wish they hadn't asked.

 

I've helped teach self defense classes for young women and one thing I try to emphasize is that they don't owe anybody a conversation. You don't have to answer questions that make you uncomfortable, and it's okay to be rude in dealing with someone who's invading your space.

[wyson]

I don't know... I found the I'm OK, your OK approach to work well with people I have just met, as per OP's question. I once had a 45 minute chat with some Jehovah's Witnesses on the street and actually found myself enjoying the conversation. Underneath the ideology we all had similar questions about life and existence, its just they sought their answers through the church, and for whatever reason, they weren't able to see it for the bullshit that it is. Sort of like me, I suppose, when I was a Christian!

With my fundie mom however, who knows she has god given authority over me, its a different story. For her, its an invitation to slap me down, and reinforce I'm OK, your are so damn wrong. With her, I have to use fear (shouting, anger, vitriol, threats - exactly like the God she worships) to get results, which is how she has been conditioned by her faith.

I also suppose if you aren't interested in creating rapport, because they are strangers on the street rather than potential business partners or members of a club you joined etc, a firm, "its not for me", or " I don't understand it, and don't have time to pick through it" or something along those lines would also work, making "I" statements rather than using blanket judgements that will make them feel wrong.

 

One thing I learned, probably the hardest thing for me to accept after I left the Church is that all things come through other people.  Its not a good idea to disrespect them, make them feel defensive or present yourself in opposition to anyone unless its really necessary. Obviously you have to be yourself, otherwise people won't respect you, but being curt, let alone being militant or challenging and difficult won't smooth roads, or make many bridges.

 

I'm OK, your OK!

[Leo]

I agree with the not being militant part. And what you said about keeping it about yourself. If you're not afraid they'll go on for too long, just ask a general question about them. And when they redirect to their faith, keep redirecting to them. Because interest in a person is something they can't resist. Dale Carnegie wrote about that: continuing to keep the conversation about the other person will win your influence over them, even if that influence is just to have them leave you alone about things. Your fundie mom is the type I meant when I said the trigger responses. They're all just waiting for a response like that in order to get jumpy. Reminds me of people who seem to be always looking for a reason to get offended. It's the same crowd, different clothes and makeup job.

[violetbutterfly]

 

 

I respond to all inappropriate questions the same. "Why do you ask?"

 

Whatever their response, I just say, "Oh."

 

That is a brilliant strategy, I'm going to use that.

 

I'd like to take credit, but here's what happened.

 

Many, many years ago, someone asked my wife why we didn't have any children yet. That was her response and I also recognized the brilliance of it. Honestly, it works a treat.

 

 

So simple, yet so brilliant. I am adopting this!!

[older]

 

... welcomed me to her church. She even stated that I'd get cookies delivered to me for joining

oh, did she say what kind of cookies? dang, I'm reconverting...

 

j/k

 

 

I see some fun here. You could negotiate. How about chocolate chip? Can you get me two dozen? How about some brownies, too? If I bring a friend, can I also get a batch of oatmeal/raisin and a bag of macaroons?

[mwc]

We were at the pool today and some woman was sitting near me and struck up a conversation, being a non-devil worshiper I was polite and kept in with the conversation. She was elderly and then brought up the topic of "oh we go to this church. Where do you go?" I was unprepared for this and muttered something ambiguous. Then she said something about how important religion is  for the kids (HA!) and welcomed me to her church. She even stated that I'd get cookies delivered to me for joining...(ummm, ok?). I somehow managed to ditch that part of the conversation and get onto something else. 

     You should have told her that Satan had sent you a vision that some old bat was going to try to rope you into church while you were trying to relax by a pool.  At first you didn't believe he or the vision was real but, well, here she was.

 

     Beyond that people here in SoCal tend not to use religion as their opening move like they do in other places.  They tend to get to know you before they invite you to crazy shit like that.  The worst I've had was some obviously nutty guy at the Burger King asked me if I knew where any churches were in the area.  I sent his to a Church of Christ a block over.  I figured they deserved one another.

 

          mwc

[ContraBardus]

As someone previously mentioned "I was raised..." is a magical phrase that is neither dishonest or admission of a current affiliation, and will pretty much always satisfy the curiosity of a prodding stranger.

 

Someone mentioned "Why do you ask?" It will often work, but the down side to it is that the other party will frequently tell you why they are asking, and that can sometimes take a while, particularly in the South. It's a risky gamble if you're not interested in listening to someone go into a forty-five minute prepared speech of religious buzzwords, anecdotal tales of wonderous miracles, and inside information provided to them from the mouth of God himself.

 

"I was raised..." as a reply will usually elicit a vapid smile, a nod, and an abrupt end to the conversation. There is an occasional invitation to services, but "Sure, maybe I'll check that out some time" or "I'm happy where I'm at" will easily dodge out of any commitment and end the conversation quickly, especially if you make an effort to look and sound like you're only paying enough attention to seem polite. It satisfies their curiosity that you kneel before the tortured Jew on a stick by allowing them to assume it without admitting to it.

 

They probably think that you say the wrong prayers to the 100% kosher necromantic lich, but you're safe and not a terrorist so they'll leave it at that 99% of the time. You know the secret magic words, and have passed their test of being okay to serve yourself at the breakfast buffet next to them, or stand in line at the grocery store without your eyes glowing red while you spew blood on them and flash their children with your demonic gay penis and woman boobs before sacrificing the baby of the woman in front of you on the conveyor belt in front of the register with a half eaten candy cane that has been sucked down into a shiv while drawing dark symbols written in cheese dust from crunchy Cheetoes on the child's face.

 

Just imply an affiliation with a church and you've passed their telepathic security scan of your soul to make sure you're all right. The identification measures have gotten a bit lax since sacrificing baby farm animals and burning the remains stopped being a requirement a few centuries ago.

[mymistake]

I usually start with "I'm not religious".

[violetbutterfly]

They probably think that you say the wrong prayers to the 100% kosher necromantic lich, but you're safe and not a terrorist so they'll leave it at that 99% of the time. You know the secret magic words, and have passed their test of being okay to serve yourself at the breakfast buffet next to them, or stand in line at the grocery store without your eyes glowing red while you spew blood on them and flash their children with your demonic gay penis and woman boobs before sacrificing the baby of the woman in front of you on the conveyor belt in front of the register with a half eaten candy cane that has been sucked down into a shiv while drawing dark symbols written in cheese dust from crunchy Cheetoes on the child's face.

 

I needed this.