FindingFreedom Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 So the other night we are lying in bed and my fundi husband tells me that I have been swearing more and been more depressed since deconverting. I said yes I have been swearing more and I like it because it is freeing. Although I try not to swear around him, some have come out given the next issue. I told him the I have been going through a difficult time lately (the last 3 weeks) due to a lot of life stressors happening at the same time (within the last 3 weeks). Which he knows. I told him that this was just his confirmation bias, which he promptly replied to with "well it's just your confirmation bias telling you the opposite". And so now I'm annoyed that everything I do is going to be "you're doing this because you are no longer a xian". In reality, I have so much more freedom and less stress now that I am not a xian. Have you guys experience this? What did you do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 How long has it been since you left Christianity and how long has he known? Yes, my wife has blamed a lot on my change. This was especially true in the beginning. She even blames my foul language on my deconverting. However my profanity habit began around the time I met her almost 20 years ago. I guess the 15 years of swearing didn't count when I was a Christian. However our relationship improved as she got use to the new me. I hope your husband gets use to you as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted March 1, 2015 Moderator Share Posted March 1, 2015 Hi Fiding Freedom! Welcome to Ex-c. I can totally relate to what you are saying here. I started extremely slowly (my husband was still very much a believer in god) and with as much patience as I could muster up, I began to show him in a gentle way, how I was changing, little by little. When I started to talk about it, he asked me to keep my beliefs to myself. I respected that and did not talk about it at all.I kind of laugh now because it drove him crazy that I wasn't talking about it and he wanted to know all the 'whys' of why I didn't want to go to church anymore, read my bible, go to Wednesday night services, sing with the worship team and on and on. He knew I was posting on Ex-c and wasn't one bit interested in hearing any of it. I stayed as much the same as I could. Very slowly, he started asking a lot of questions and wanting to watch documentaries on topics that had to do with apologetics. We had many discussions. Because he is a very rational man, he totally understands now and admits that he questioned it inside himself his whole life. We are completely on the same page now and he is the one who finds all the different documentaries for us to watch together. He even sits here and read the posts!! I would have never believed it!! I am one of the lucky ones that their spouse came around. A lot don't. But now you have EX-c to turn to. Just take your time. Don't change too fast. Some people cannot handle it when their secure little world is turned upside down too fast. I wish you well. Keep posting all your worries and concerns. Someone is always available to hear what you are going through. Deconversion is not fun for a lot of people. We suffer a lot of cognitive dissonance because we believed something for so long and now we try to realize that it is not true for us. We live in a world of many religious and new age believers. You are a minority now and you might just feel that with your friends and family. It's not an easy journey for some. That's why Ex-c exists. A safe place where you may share all your doubts without anyone telling you that you are crazy and just mad at god. I hope to hear how your journey is going. Keep us posted. Glad you are here with us. Hug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindingFreedom Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Thanks for the support! I told him about 3 months ago that I didn't believe anymore. We have only had maybe 3 (very short) conversations about it since (the above included). He mostly just tries to ignore that it happened and I still pray before meals (bow my head) and go to church with him...Headed there now, ugg. He sort of knew it was coming because I had been in the process for 6-9 months before telling him. I don't feel that I have changed much in overt ways. He doesn't know about this site and I try not to bring it up because I know it upsets him. Yes, mymistake he doesn't seem to remember the times that I was even more depressed last year for a long time that contributed to my deconversion in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindingFreedom Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 I can only hope that he starts looking at it more realistically now that I have deconverted. However, right now he has moved even closer to it, getting closer to guys in his bible study, doing devos more consistently, getting more involved in church. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 He is probably feeling rather insecure with this and is looking for a rationale for your behaviour that fits his world view. That is as understandable as it is likely to prove annoying. Take it slowly (because there's little else you can do) and don't look for confrontation (because that will merely make him more entrenched). Beyond that, just be glad you have found new freedom and you are not being forced into secrecy where he's concerned. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted March 1, 2015 Share Posted March 1, 2015 I can only hope that he starts looking at it more realistically now that I have deconverted. However, right now he has moved even closer to it, getting closer to guys in his bible study, doing devos more consistently, getting more involved in church. When I was in that stage I simply focused on our relationship. It would be best to let a husband have guy friends. My wife was worried that my loss of faith would make me want to cheat on her. So I reassured her with both gestures and words. I let her know that there were still many things I valued and I didn't need fear of hell or the hope of heaven in order to want the things I wanted out of life. I don't know your husband's specific issues or fears so you will have to find those yourself. However I'm sure he was attracted to you for more than just religious reasons. Keep working that magic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FindingFreedom Posted March 2, 2015 Author Share Posted March 2, 2015 Thanks for the input! I am thankful for this site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Furball Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 I think when people are christians, they go out of their way to make a conscious effort not to swear. When they leave christianity, they are no longer making the effort, and the swearing just comes naturally. To answer your question, i haven't really noticed that much swearing on my part since i left. Do i swear, sure, but i am not cussing like a sailor since i left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted March 2, 2015 Share Posted March 2, 2015 Take it easy on him. I don't know how long you've been married or if that matters, but you married each other with certain expectations and understandings of each other, and you've changed. It's a big change and it's been recent, and I'm sure he's concerned about a lot of things. Make sure you stress that your feelings towards him haven't changed, or to anything else that isn't related to religion. Reassure him that you're still the same person inside that he married, and your feelings for him, or your commitment to him, wouldn't change because of this. Try to keep having a lot of fun together, non-religious activities that you both enjoy. Whatever it is -- eating out, taking walks, white-water rafting, whatever. Try not to get into bickering arguments over "it's because you're not xian now" vs. "it has nothing to do with xianity." I can't imagine it'd be easy to not respond to snarky comments, but try! Or try a gentle answer, not answering in kind. Good luck! Feel free to vent here! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LongWayAround Posted March 4, 2015 Share Posted March 4, 2015 Thanks for the support! I told him about 3 months ago that I didn't believe anymore. We have only had maybe 3 (very short) conversations about it since (the above included). He mostly just tries to ignore that it happened and I still pray before meals (bow my head) and go to church with him...Headed there now, ugg. He sort of knew it was coming because I had been in the process for 6-9 months before telling him. I don't feel that I have changed much in overt ways. He doesn't know about this site and I try not to bring it up because I know it upsets him. Yes, mymistake he doesn't seem to remember the times that I was even more depressed last year for a long time that contributed to my deconversion in the first place. It is interesting how similar a lot of spouses react to our deconversion. My christian wife also has tried to attribute any negative in my life to my deconversion too. I don't worry about it though. She and I both know that I am far more relaxed and at peace than she is even though she has the "peace that passes all understanding". My wife has also ramped up her religiosity since I deconverted. I hope it fades with time but I don't have my hopes up. We are also at the point where she doesn't want to hear about what I believe so I don't talk about it. I think she is insecure about being exposed to anything that might throw doubts on her faith. My wife has gotten more at ease with my deconversion as time passes. I hope your husband does as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts