SmokieT Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 My full story covers 48 years. Born Catholic, switched to Lutheran after getting married, 17 years of trying to please a narcissistic wife and god. After the divorce I bounced around tying to find a church I felt comfortable with. Became an ordained minister and never even thought of having the choice to leave. My main problem with all christian churches I tried, non of them did as they were supposed to. The literal word of god unless we believe something else then it's implied. A couple weeks ago I thought about how the bible says to be and teach and realized I was living a more Christ like live after leaving. It feel good to meet people and learn about different cultures and backgrounds and briefs without condemning them to hell. Crazy how the ones who claim to be the most peaceful dish out the most death threats. I even foolishly tried to teach some to take a sales approach to gain a bit of credibility. Tell the good points and features. Always down play the killing the son out of love so believe or get tossed into a lake of fire and just because, you are now immortal. When someone claims to kill out of love, run away. I've written my own set of rules to live by. Don't be a dick. That's it. I don't offend as many people and am much happier. A lifetime of low self esteem along side a workaholic dad who I could never quite do it good enough or fast enough and how can anyone reform from the evil sin of being born. Then the worst of all. Within a year of getting married, she picked up her bible and started fixing. Of course anything I knew about the bible was wrong. Since it was changed by men in the past to oppress women and she seemed to be the only one who knew exactly what god wanted me to think. There's a target nobody can hit. She's as crazy as her god is. Oh and I can't forget my Catholic training. Till death do us part. It sucked but I do have 2 amazing daughters that I have made a point to let them know and I remind them frequently that I love them just as they are. I am proud of the sweet and intelligent young ladies who have there belief but also understand that not everyone needs to be saved. I look at those two and know that if I die today, I've left the world a better place then when I came and there should be no doubt in there minds that I did indeed love them and am very proud of them. I still struggle with low self esteem and the year of religious programming and others in my life still creep in. I try to put things in a better perspective. Religion was made to keep us in need of there help so no matter how good we were, being born could not go away. On last note. Anyone who reads this. I am sorry. I know at some point I was a dick to you either directly or indirectly. Not a full fundy but I was the classic christian conservative. I condemned for color, faith, sexual orientation and anything else I could use to hate. I am truly sorry. We are on this planet for a very short amount of time and I want to spend the rest of mine fixing what I broke and undoing any damage I've done. I hope to get to know anyone here that will have me. Sorry it's a bit of a mess. It's been a long day and I should be sleeping but when I saw the validated email I knew I wouldn't sleep until I spent a little time here and share a quick jumbled story. Today is a good day. I will worry about what happens after I die when I get there. Smokie 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Welcome, SmokieT, we're so glad you're here! There is a small number of former ministers here, and former worship leaders, and youth group leaders and even the occasional former missionary. Your story really resonated with me, as I have been in a relationship with a narcissist too. I look forward to reading your posts and getting to know you some more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ric Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Welcome, SmokieT. Hope your moniker hints at being bbq expert. I want to start smoking, and need a coach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Welcome. Unfortunately I'm running out of time to write further - but you should be aware that quite a lot of us have regrets over our christian behaviour. You are not alone on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StJeffTheIncomprehensible Posted March 30, 2015 Share Posted March 30, 2015 Hi SmokieT, good to meet you. The "Don't be a dick" rule is a good one--we'd all benefit by keeping it in mind. Welcome, and good luck on your journey! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rach Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 "When someone claims to kill out of love, run away" !!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
disillusioned Posted March 31, 2015 Share Posted March 31, 2015 Today is a good day. I will worry about what happens after I die when I get there. Words to live by. Glad you're here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
00LukeMan Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 "We are on this planet for a very short amount of time and I want to spend the rest of mine fixing what I broke and undoing any damage I've done." Now those are words to live by. Welcome Smokie! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burny Posted April 7, 2015 Share Posted April 7, 2015 Welcome to ex-c. May you find the peace here that avoided you in religion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoodAwakening Posted April 8, 2015 Share Posted April 8, 2015 Welcome, SmokieT! I too live with a few regrets from my holier-than-thou days. I wandered around this magical globe of ours with my head up my ass believing that I had the only correct and coherent world view - and that everyone else was heading to the big barbecue under the sea. Arrogance = Christianity. No way around it - they're right and everyone else is gonna burn. Being a "dick" is putting it nicely. Keep your head up mate - we're with you on this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted April 8, 2015 Moderator Share Posted April 8, 2015 Welcome, SmokieT! Thanks so much for sharing that painful story. We here at EX-c can sure relate to a lot of what you wrote. Stay here with us and post and post and post all your fears and concerns. That's how I made it in the last 4 years. EX-c has been the reason I can live a relatively peaceful life today although I will always miss the fact that there is a god who looks after his children and protects them. That will probably always sadden me to the day I die, but I have learned to live with the reality of life. Welcome to the site where people fully understand the heartbreaks of religion. Hug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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