amateur Posted April 28, 2015 Share Posted April 28, 2015 You need to feel like he's taking your questions and concerns about his use of occasional porn seriously. He seems to be blowing them off (no pun intended) with "most all guys do this." If his answer doesn't make you comfortable, then it doesn't make you comfortable. The relationship the two of you has belongs to the two of you. Like Thurisaz says above, it only matters that the two of you agree what is good for the two of you. But the two of you need to come to some agreement that is mutually comfortable for both of you. You both need to listen to each other carefully, and trust what the other person is telling you. You shouldn't be sighing and thinking, "Ok, most guys use porn so I have to deal with this with no further conversation," and he shouldn't be sighing and thinking, "I have to hide the porn better because I don't want to upset her." Neither of those responses is good for a relationship, nor truthful to either person, and will always be the elephant in the living room with you. There are some men out there that don't enjoy porn. Not many, but some. My current husband doesn't enjoy it, but I occasionally like reading it and he's good with that. My first husband would sometimes use it, but he'd try to hide it. He wasn't addicted to it, and it wasn't regular, which made it stranger. Anyway, the important thing is there is a huge difference between hiding something or ignoring someone's concerns with "everybody does it" versus just being casually open and honest about it. You two need some open discussions about porn, strippers, cheating, checking out attractive strangers, and any other sexually-related concern. I could never get an honest conversation about this from my first husband (unfortunately, after we'd been married a long time), but my current husband and I have discussed it all and I know I was 100% honest with him and I feel he was the same with me, and it has made us closer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xiana Posted April 28, 2015 Author Share Posted April 28, 2015 Thanks for the continued thoughts. Now that I have some distance from my emotional flood yesterday and have had some things to think about, I really feel like I'm silly for getting so upset. I'm sure it's the years of bad teachings and ideas of how a relationship "should" be (thanks for the reminder, Thurisaz) that just keep getting to me. Best thing I can do, and you've all told me, is keep talking with him.. and also just remember that when I get an emotional reaction, to remind myself that it might just be an emotional reaction from bad teachings, and to let it rest for a little while and think about how lucky I am to have a supportive and loving boyfriend, who I can really trust. Needless to say, I'm feeling much better today. Thank you all for giving your advice and food for thought when I needed it most! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bleedblue22 Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 I have to chime in here as I've been abstaining from porn to see how it affects me. I'm in week two of abstaining and I've watched porn somewhat regularly since I was 13. I feel like I have more energy now and more drive to pursue women. Porn can kind of placate your sexual drive and keep you from going after the real thing. It's like when you are hungry for something sweet and you know you can work hard and make a delicious chocolate souffle, but instead you go for the easy route of subduing your sweet tooth with cheap candy. Also, I feel like it takes much less to sexually excite me and what I'm turned on by is more healthy. Porn desensitizes you and makes you need to see more and more intense and shocking stuff to get aroused. It can frusturate things sexually for your boyfriend and you might find him more engaged and and sensitive in bed if he takes a break from it. I also just have more energy in general to excercise more and learn new things. Having said that, porn hadn't created much problem for me in my life. I had a girlfriend for three years and used porn regularly throughout. I never used it to make up for problems in the relationship; I used it really only when she couldn't keep up with my sexual drive and needed a break. I never once seriously thought of cheating on her. Because I was so accustomed to getting off from porn, it took me awhile to adjust to the real thing, but once I got there everything was fine. Overall, while I don't think porn use is particularly healthy, in most cases I don't think it is really all that bad. It would only be a problem if your boyfriend seems addicted. Maybe you should ask him to give it up for a week to try it out. If he can't meet this simple task, you may have a problem. Also, ask him what he watches. If he has to resort to really hardcore stuff to get off, he needs to take a break to get his brain balanced out. Other than that, this guy seems totally fine and probably loves you very much. Nothing you said about him through up any red flags in my mind. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted April 29, 2015 Share Posted April 29, 2015 Thanks for the continued thoughts. Now that I have some distance from my emotional flood yesterday and have had some things to think about, I really feel like I'm silly for getting so upset. I'm sure it's the years of bad teachings and ideas of how a relationship "should" be (thanks for the reminder, Thurisaz) that just keep getting to me. Best thing I can do, and you've all told me, is keep talking with him.. and also just remember that when I get an emotional reaction, to remind myself that it might just be an emotional reaction from bad teachings, and to let it rest for a little while and think about how lucky I am to have a supportive and loving boyfriend, who I can really trust. Needless to say, I'm feeling much better today. Thank you all for giving your advice and food for thought when I needed it most! You go! It's your life, take control of it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leo Posted April 30, 2015 Share Posted April 30, 2015 I have not read all the posts on this thread, but read the first one. I'm so sorry, I'm the father of a college aged daughter, and while I was not really hard core, I was totally complicit in her upbringing. There is nothing to say but I'm sorry for your suffering in that environment. I'm not being fake: when I came out as atheist, I apologized to my daughter in this same frank way, even though she is still Christian and she kind of denies the involvement. But it is damaging. I'm very impressed with young people on here who figure this stuff out sooner rather than later, and then won't live to regret mistakes associated with raising kids around evangelical Christianity. Not to derail this thread, but a frank apology is in order from us the parents' age to people who are in college. We're all ex-C's here, but some of us didn't figure it out sooner, and so kids have been left with this. It's very sad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ConscientiousObjector Posted May 13, 2015 Share Posted May 13, 2015 Don't feel silly for being upset, there is nothing wrong with questioning anything. I was rather prudish during my first exposure to pornography, having gone from a small town straight into the male-dominant military, where porn use is rampant. By the time I met my hubby it seemed almost normal, which is lucky for me since he indulges in it quite often. I concur with most of what was said above. As long as it remains a fantasy and strictly for release when you are unavailable, there should be nothing to worry about. If he ever turns you down to "consort with internet ho's" as I jokingly refer to porn, then he may have a problem. It's already a good sign that he was up-front with you about it, without honesty there is no real relationship. Definitely not a double-standard there, as long as he's comfortable with you watching it if you so desired. He likely would take issue with you starring in a porn because that would be cheating. I don't consider watching porn cheating, there is no chance of those scenarios being played out in real life. Just to put things in perspective: my husband and I have been together almost 14 years, married for 7, and have 3 kids under 5 (the younger two are twins, and for both pregnancies we conceived within days of trying). My husband has been regularly using porn for 25 years, has never cheated, and still has a very high sex drive (and is greeeaat in bed). Definitely no ill effects on his virility! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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