Deconversion Of A Mutant- Odd & Painful

[Becks]

I don’t know if a neurological term or a discovered condition exists, but I can “feel” or “perceive” entities or something outside of myself. Maybe we can call it my 6^th sense and I don’t mean like the movie with Bruce Willis. I don’t think I’ve ever watched it. These entities are invisible and all my Christian life I assumed this was the Holy Spirit or sometimes angels or, even, gasp, Jesus himself, or sometimes demons when I was feeling afraid. And I would have sworn I was attacked by demons many times. Thank goodness I had the remedy! Cry out to be covered by the Blood of Jesus and they will flee! I always hated when I could feel the good presences leave. I thought I had done something wrong. I feel bad for people on this forum when I hear how hard they tried to feel god. It was so very easy for me. I was saved in a Baptist church at a very young age. A close family member who is still very much a Christian and who also suffers from this mutancy and apparently also with a touch of true rebellion, couldn’t take the fundamental strictness of the Baptist church so we moved from Holy Roller Pentecost to anything highly spiritual. I’ve been a member of so many house churches, cults and some very well known churches. My personal goal was to be the most in-tune close to God person that when I died I would be admitted to the highest level of the Throne Room because I couldn’t stand being relegated to the outskirts of Heaven. Baby I was IN!

 

 I can put myself in a trance (even now) and have “spiritual” experiences and talk with beings (in my mind). Ok- you probably think I’m a schizophrenic and should see a psychiatrist immediately.

 

 I was a stay at home mom for many years and I’m so glad I finally went to work and local community college. It really was the beginning of my deconversion. My very fantastic Physics class on Astronomy left me with such serious doubts about how the god I knew could ever fit into this vast, beautiful and unfathomable universe. I always had doubts about the inconsistencies of the bible, but was also ready to explain that the bible actually has hidden meanings and you have to know how to decode it to get the true message. Geez I sound like a conspiracy theory candidate. Being brainwashed messed me up at so many levels. It’s taken quite a while to think in a manner that I would consider normal. That’s the only reason I like my job. I work really hard and have to analyze confusing document’s etc, Using my brain to think has really helped me realize what a fantasy world I used to be in.

 

One of the horrible parts of leaving Christianity was how I felt like I was abandoning my absolute true love, Jesus. I had terrible nightmares where I would be met by a messenger to try to get me to come back. I was quoted scripture in my dreams, flew all over the place and levitated when someone prayed for me. I would wake with a feeling of fear and joy and disgust.

 

I drank a lot.

 

I tried other religions for a few years, guiltily, and found that the perception/sensation was the same.

 1) How can that wonderful presence be the Holy Spirit if I am calling on the Goddess Cerwiden in a Wiccan ritual? 2) How can this be real if only some people can experience it? It’s not real!

 

 I went for about 2 years without engaging in any kind of spiritual or ecstatic experience and I honestly feel like I’m missing something. I DO NOT believe in any god or goddess. There is only one group that if I could change a few vital things I might be OK with them:

 

Druidry.

1. Do not call yourself a religion
2. Get rid of Gods & Goddesses
3. Lose those baggy (but oh so very sexy) white robes (ok they go skyclad and I could get into that)
4. No Rituals
5. No chanting
6. Communing or meditating in nature is very nice
7. Can anyone else feel energy in rocks and shit (not real shit, please people)

Have I scared you off? Now you know something about me. Oh -  I want to tell this little world as I’ve only told my husband that one of the joys of deconverting is the hidden stuff comes to the surface, like I’m totally attracted to females. When I was a Christian I just assumed that I was a very good Christian girl because I didn’t lust after boys. OMG. I didn’t lust after girls either I just had no friends and tried to stay as holy as possible. I always averted my eyes, I’ve never acted on anything. I struggled with this recently for 2 years until I admitted it and I have no idea what it means. I’m totally monogamous and have been for 27+ years. WTF.

 

Cheers,

 

Becks

[Ellinas]

Not sure entirely where to start with this, and I've not got much time to think about it at the moment.

 

I'll return to this one.

 

Very briefly - you will find it useful - if you still suffer from the feeling of being attacked by your invisible communicators - to realize you are in control and are bigger and badder than any of them.

 

I know some druid types.  You won't change them like that without stopping them being druids.  Are you looking for some sort of atheistic spirituality?

[Becks]

Not sure entirely where to start with this, and I've not got much time to think about it at the moment.

 

I'll return to this one.

 

Very briefly - you will find it useful - if you still suffer from the feeling of being attacked by your invisible communicators - to realize you are in control and are bigger and badder than any of them.

 

I know some druid types.  You won't change them like that without stopping them being druids.  Are you looking for some sort of atheistic spirituality?

Oh no. I'm sorry! I'm not afraid of Druids and I don't get that feeling of being attacked by demons anymore, that was years ago when I was a Christian. The Druid thing is new to me and I'm about to repost on that topic. Sorry for being confusing!

[Becks]

Please accept my apologies for the unsavory note about Druidism! I actually like the Nature aspect of what they do, I just don't want the religious parts. I feel lost right now and am just trying to find something I can experience with delight and wonder. For me that's nature and I like the way Druids seem to respect it and enjoy it too.

[DragonTheDruid]

First of all, Welcome to Ex-C!

Secondly, Hell yeah, Druidry! I enjoy reading about Druidry, though despite my username, I myself do not identify as a Druid. There appeared to be too many rules and regulations with the more 'official' Druid-y things, though I still love it, it wasn't for me. =P I do want a pair of those sexy robes, though!

Instead, I am a Naturalistic Pantheist/Pagan who views gods and goddesses as symbols rather than a concrete being. My thoughts and beliefs are all very Earth and nature centered. It's surprising to me how many different sects of paganism(Druidry included) focus on the Earth and Nature.

 

Anyway, I enjoyed reading your post. I was one of those people who felt no such 'connection' to Yahweh or any others in that Trinity. The same awe, love, reverence, and fear Christians supposedly feel towards God is how I feel towards the ocean or vast mountain ranges and volcanoes. 

[Becks]

When do I get deleting rights? I so regret posting this yesterday! Thank you to Ellinas and DragontheDruid for your kind words, but if I could erase this post I would! This is obviously not the time for me to be telling my stories when I'm in a compromised state emotionally.

 

I'm sorry.

[yunea]

Editing posts comes when you've been active a little longer. Maybe 20 posts or something like that. I don't know if us normal members ever get the actual delete option.

 

For what it's worth, I'm naturally great at self-hypnosis (which is why I for example found it easy to dance to honour God when I was Pentecostal, and I got tongues much quicker than a friend who'd been a believer much longer - and I even auto-suggested seven years of chronic pain removal). Only right before my deconversion I learned what I was doing and how to enhance the experience. However, I find it lets me see parts of myself that I don't know how I'm going to deal with safely, so I rather don't do it.

 

At some point I thought I felt God/angels gently stroking my face and hair and embracing me. Well, that was when I was at my most messed up from depression and everything that was going on in my life at the time; not so unlikely to have a bit of a tactile hallucination. 

 

Just saying that this forum is a great place in the way that no matter what weird experience you've had, there's likely to be at least one (usually more) who can relate.

 

Don't be afraid, just say what's on your mind. Why would you delete it, actually? What about it bothers you now? 

[Becks]

.

 

Don't be afraid, just say what's on your mind. Why would you delete it, actually? What about it bothers you now? 

Vulnerability! I haven't talked about most of this with anyone and being out there is rather disconcerting to say the least.

[sparklingphoenix]

Your story was lovely and very interesting. I wasn't scared off at all. Everyone has their own personal experiences with religion and I would imagine most of us have felt really vulnerable and weird at times. I have posted some stuff that made me feel really vulnerable too, but I have never had any rude or negative responses. Everyone who responds is always very nice and helpful. I hope that makes you feel a little less uncomfortable! From your post I am actually curious about Druidism now. I will probably go research it later

[Becks]

Your story was lovely and very interesting. I wasn't scared off at all. Everyone has their own personal experiences with religion and I would imagine most of us have felt really vulnerable and weird at times. I have posted some stuff that made me feel really vulnerable too, but I have never had any rude or negative responses. Everyone who responds is always very nice and helpful. I hope that makes you feel a little less uncomfortable! From your post I am actually curious about Druidism now. I will probably go research it later

Thank you so much for your kind words SparklingPhoenix! I love your name. Druidism is pretty cool. I have found this site very supportive. I guess I'm so used to the judgementalism of Christians, and even though I haven't been in that group of people for a long time, I haven't been in any other either! In other words, it's my only real social experience beside the professional enviroment at work. I'm a different person there. However, I'm not very social anyway, am a bit on the introverted side which is why I think I am socially awkward and kind of avoid getting involved in group activities.

[GraphicsGuy]

It's all good, Becks. This is a VERY safe place (unless you're a proselytizing Christian ).

 

I know it can be stressful to post how you feel at times. We'll keep it on the down-low...

 

Welcome to the board.

[Becks]

It's all good, Becks. This is a VERY safe place (unless you're a proselytizing Christian ).

 

I know it can be stressful to post how you feel at times. We'll keep it on the down-low...

 

Welcome to the board.

Thank you!!

[Ellinas]

 

Not sure entirely where to start with this, and I've not got much time to think about it at the moment.

 

I'll return to this one.

 

Very briefly - you will find it useful - if you still suffer from the feeling of being attacked by your invisible communicators - to realize you are in control and are bigger and badder than any of them.

 

I know some druid types.  You won't change them like that without stopping them being druids.  Are you looking for some sort of atheistic spirituality?

Oh no. I'm sorry! I'm not afraid of Druids and I don't get that feeling of being attacked by demons anymore, that was years ago when I was a Christian. The Druid thing is new to me and I'm about to repost on that topic. Sorry for being confusing!

 

 

You have nothing for which to apologize.

 

I am gad to hear that you are no longer fearing demonic attack.  I misinterpreted you in thinking it was on ongoing issue.

 

I'm not sure why you thought I might consider you afraid of Druids.  You seemed to be saying that you liked the general approach but not the theistic side of their ideas - hence my question about seeking atheistic spirituality.  Nor do I see how you have "struck an unsavoury note" about Druidism.

 

Your comments about "perceiving entities" in your first post nevertheless is something that interests me - primarily from the standpoint of whether this is something that now bothers you, causes you problems or which you have either managed to stop or come to accept without ill effect.  And no, it doesn't strike  me as strange or "schizophrenic" - at least, not necessarily.  You're not the only person I know who speaks of such experiences.

 

By the way, if you ever delete the contents of you post, that will make our replies seem extremely weird.  Really, don't worry.  You said what you meant, meant what you said and there is nothing to be afraid or embarrassed about.

[RenaissanceWoman]

Fascinating story. No shame in it at all! It reminds me just a little of people with synesthesia (who see colors in their minds during music). It's a brain phenomenon, and maybe yours is too? Maybe you pick up energy fields or low level vibrations or something? So interesting! Who knows, I may be way off. But please know this -- no, I'm not scared off. Relax!

 

I'm glad you're not concerned about demons any more. Wow, that would have been awful. As if a physical phenomenon isn't challenging enough, but throwing creepy theology into the mix... what a nightmare.

 

Well, wherever you are now and wherever you are heading, I'm glad you have found a place to share and bounce ideas. You've been on quite a journey so far, it sounds like. Welcome.

[Becks]

Thank you all so much! I've heard of synesthesia. Pretty cool! In a related version I see colors in my mind during "O"..☺️

[Becks]

I also meant to say the perception of these presences feels similar to when driving down a highway and putting your arm outside the window: there is that strong force , invisible of course,and you know it's just air movement. In a worship or prayer sense, when that had happened, sometimes it could knock you over. I thought I could feel that around other people or objects as well . Strange. Well I don't engage in that behavior any longer and haven't for years. Still wonder what's in my brain that causes that sensation.

[sparklingphoenix]

Thank you so much for your kind words SparklingPhoenix! I love your name. Druidism is pretty cool. I have found this site very supportive. I guess I'm so used to the judgementalism of Christians, and even though I haven't been in that group of people for a long time, I haven't been in any other either! In other words, it's my only real social experience beside the professional enviroment at work. I'm a different person there. However, I'm not very social anyway, am a bit on the introverted side which is why I think I am socially awkward and kind of avoid getting involved in group activities.

 

 

 

My pleasure. Glad I could help a little. Thank you! I'm reborn into a truer version of myself! I can definitely understand where you're coming from, being introverted and being used to judgmental people. I don't do a lot of group socializing either, and it takes me a while to get comfortable in situations where other humans are involved. Haha! This is basically the only place I can get rational feedback on problems, even though it is kind of scary to pour out personal info for the world to see. Lets just hope people in our real lives don't find it! >.<

[Xiana]

Becks,

 

Welcome!

 

I had an experience like that one time that I can only explain away now by hypnotization or hallucination.. something in my brain to give me an extrasensory experience.

 

When I was a teen going through a lot of angst and inner-turmoil, I went to see Benny Hinn do one of his revival/healing shows or whatnot. It was my first and only experience with revival/healing shows. I was searching for some kind of message or healing from god, and was reacting in a very emotional/spiritual way to his words. At one point, he told the audience to stand and reach up their hand to god, and said something about god anointing the audience, which would be felt by a burning in our palms.  Right after that, I felt it. I almost couldn't keep my hand open once it started. At the time, I felt like it was an incredible spiritual experience.

 

Since then, I studied up some on hypnotization and extrasensory phenomenon, even listening to self-hypnosis audio tapes.  One time, the audio tape told me that I wouldn't be able to open my eyes, and I couldn't.  Because of that experience, I think I just explain the Benny Hinn experience as something like that. I wanted to believe it would happen, and my mind was in the right state, so I felt it.

 

I'm not saying that this is what is happening to you, but a possible explanation.  Either way, you should feel free to experience and enjoy it as you do! I wish I could create that kind of interesting experience so easily on my own.  If it gets to the point where it troubles you, it's probably worth talking to a doctor about to see if there is anything they have to explain it.

[Xiana]

By the way, the vulnerability thing.. I understand!  I found this forum when I was in a very emotionally distraught state, looking to hear from people who might understand what I was going through, and my very first post was about my sexual insecurities, and was very vulnerable!  I thought about deleting it many times, especially since I felt like it wasn't well-written because I was so emotional and dwelling in irrational thoughts.  Believe me, this is a very accepting, supportive, and loving community from my experience. I've been very blessed in my short time here!

 

Everybody has their something.

[Becks]

I really love this site! Thanks Xiana for taking time to encourage me. I have a lot to learn and serious trust issues but so far all has been OK here

[Burny]

It's all good Becks. No judgement here. Keep the post. We're all vulnerable sometimes and it's nice to share that with others. No harm done.

[Becks]

[quote name="Ellinas" post="1041966" timestamp=l

 

Are you looking for some sort of atheistic spirituality? yes, I'd be very interested in that. I feel like I missing out on something that is core to my joy, which is currently on hold or non functioning.

[Ellinas]

Well, the ex-C spirituality forum is as good a place as any to start.  Have a look at some of the threads there.

 

I suppose the first question for you to address is as to what it is that you consider is missing.