Ocd, Satan Scares, Weight Loss Yadda Yadda

[zuker12]

So I am posting again since a long time now. What some may remember from me is that I have depression(not as pronounced now) anxiety issues and some form of OCD which i think started just about the time i first converted from a child-like belief to something that you could term "pulpit paranoia". Yeah chick tracts, too much time on conspiracy things (without any critical thinking ability) and a form of isolation i felt at school after not being totally likeminded with my peers at school (i later worked on fixing those relations and we're pretty good now). It actually does mess your mind a lot.

 

My ocd i guess was with me already from the day on i converted but not in such extensive form that it would later be. When i started with my weight loss project, it was cool for a month or so. I poured myself in articles on nutrition, different diet styles, etc and soon it became a calculated science for me. I tried to eat a certain amount of calories a day (1200kcal at first which eventually dropped to 300kcal) and would get insanely anxious when i ate more than that. I tried to balance it by doing walks and jogs (again calculated to certain amounts of kcals.) Eating too little suddenly for a longtime coupled with insane guilt trips is destructive for your mind though, and i eventually started binging only to repair it with calculations and unhealthy amounts of exercise in one sitting within which i had little enjoyment. I just feared i was a shitbag if i didnt keep myself in 'line'. (Just look at some dieting and nutrition forums; they give you alnost the same guilt trips as christians do, and their own version of persecution complex was this whole thing of "thin pride vs fat pride").

 

It was effective, too effective. I went way below my original target of 65 kilograms to under 55 kilograms. I was horribly tired and nauseous and i didnt enjoy it at all. But i went because the insane guilt trips were there. I came over this eventually and im now healthy and about optimal weight though i havent given much thought to nutrition itself i.e i eat junk food too nuch.

 

Now my ocd has turned into the satan scare thing aka the original thing that caused me to believe (and it wasnt at all blissful, again, this time with the confusion and hell threats and devil worshippes lurking around everywhere. I was just anxious, sad and confused and i couldnt understand anything and started to question my faith pretty early on and the pillars which this world is supposedly founded on. That is a rumination for another thread.)

 

Now with all these ex-satanists ive been spending obsessive time researching them and their claims, only to turn up nothing, yet my mind says "what if you are wrong?" And a vicious cycle of binging has started again. At home coffee and cigs and conspiracies, outside alcohol and total attemt to forget everything. This threatens to ruin my relationships, my career hopes and is threatening to bring me on brink of massive depression.

 

This was a rant on my current state and some people will probably just think im weird. Now i dont care anymore about satan and god whether they exist and in what form. This however is a good description of what obsessivity can do to a person, i think...

[SCM]

Hi Zuker, I also have OCD, which when coupled with my religious experience, lead me to unhealthy and outlandish patterns of behavior that quickly lead to severe depression, so a lot of what you have said in this most really resonates with me. you're spot on in your'e description of what obsessivity can do to someones life, and religion seem to help entrench its hold on your life rather than helping you out of it. they almost go hand in hand. I imagine that guilt trip exercising and dieting also links in quite conveniently to guilt tripping chrisitnaity and obsessive compulsions.

 

when I was a kid my OCD took form in thinking that if I didn't do every action (eg blink, stepping, even shifting my weight when sitting down) in an even number like twos and fours then that would open the door for demons to get in.

 

I don't think your'e weird, and its sounds like you're doing physically better at least, which is a really good thing. while I use alcohol more than i should, If you're feeling depressed I have found that thinking as rationally about the situation as possible helps, and understanding that it's a temporary state of mind. 

 

because I'm not an obnoxious brain-turd i don't say "I'll Pray for you" anymore, so instead Imagine me sending you a psychic love energy wave across the planet.

[zuker12]

Thanks SCM i think i had a form of ocd thinking prior to my conversion... i remember the horrifyingpart very well as it generated straight into my similar mental battle with Satan. I had seen a documentary on Tutankhamon(?)''s curse and i spent much of time after that saying to myself "i must not think bad thoughts about Tutankhamon or his curse will kill me". Later it was very similar with Satan and i spent countless of sleepless nights fighting Satans intrusion.

 

My latest ocd trips have been checking on those Satanic Panic revelators (such as John Todd, Mike Warnke, Svali et al) and every time I do it I feel like im going nowhere and only end up hurting... ive not been able to confirm a single thing that these people said except for minor details that have nothing to do with the meat of their satanical revelations.

 

I really wish i could talk with someone here about this conspiracy addiction... my therapist wont have the time, and my parents probably cannot understand. Nor would i want to bother them with all the messiness conspiracy world is.

[Ellinas]

It's your therapist's job to have the time.  Otherwise you need a new therapist.

 

Try talking to him.  In fact, I suggest you insist upon it.

 

All the best.

[zuker12]

I dont know if its her time only, but the fact that somwthing like a conspiracy is rather hard to discuss in that setting. Cue the fact that my therapist is not that close in distance and im mostly dependent upon rides or car borrowing from parents. Ive been thinking about moving out with a friend because then therapy school friends etc are closer but he was away for sometime and neither of us have succeeded in landing a job so it was on hiatus for nearly 2 months.

 

Now i dont know much anything nor do i care to know whether and how evil the world is nor if everything is really shit sad. Ive noticed i can live pretty easy by being me rather than panderibg to anyone or anything else. The ocd issues just make things regularly harder than they should be...

[Sheerbliss]

Zuker, starvation diets--that's what you call 300 or even 1200 calories a day for a guy--cause mental health problems. (Look up the book The Great Starvation Experiment: the subjects, who were normal, healthy young men, developed mental health problems during the experiment. One even chopped off one of his fingers, maybe accidentally, maybe on purpose.)

 

You may still have some nutrient deficiencies from this that could be contributing to your problems. The book The Mood Cure by Julia Ross might shed some light on it.

[SCM]

Zuker, starvation diets--that's what you call 300 or even 1200 calories a day for a guy--cause mental health problems. (Look up the book The Great Starvation Experiment: the subjects, who were normal, healthy young men, developed mental health problems during the experiment. One even chopped off one of his fingers, maybe accidentally, maybe on purpose.)

 

You may still have some nutrient deficiencies from this that could be contributing to your problems. The book The Mood Cure by Julia Ross might shed some light on it.

this kind of thing sounds pretty good, i Have noticed when i eat poorly everything becomes harder throughout the day, and i have less energy which makes it easier for depression and OCD related stress to come in.

 

 

Ive noticed i can live pretty easy by being me rather than panderibg to anyone or anything else. The ocd issues just make things regularly harder than they should be...

You sound Like your pretty mature

Frankly I don't really understand conspiracy theories or dieting that well, so im not on very good footing when i say this, but i do understand how OCD makes everything harder and much more complicated than it needs to be. conspiracy theories generally aren't true, sometimes they are very convincing, sometimes they're full of crazy. either way It dosen't change our realities, the steps,sucesses and struggles of our day to day lives. If i'm ruled by a lizard skin-changing overlord or a boring prime minister, my life is roughly the same as it was yesterday. in my teens I was quite convinced one year about those stories of "I used to be in the satanic recording industry/illuminati/hollywood/cult/witch coven (I think this is what you mean ex satanist stories). many of them are made up by authors or christians, pure fiction for a specific purpose like selling books or scaring youth.. those stories about 9/11 being government-planned got me aswell.

 

As you probably already know, the forum is a good place for talking, we are here to support each other after all.

[Sheerbliss]

Re: dieting. Different foods affect your hormones in different ways--all calories aren't the same. Low-fat diets, for instance, are linked to depression; so are low-calorie diets. I don't know whether diet plays a part in OCD. But if you can cut out flour and sugar (or cut way back) and eat enough real food like meat, vegetables, fruit, cheese, nuts, and butter to fill you up, it should help stabilize any blood sugar problems you might have and provide nutrients your brain needs to function well. I still recommend Ross's book, though, since you might need to go some extra steps.