Becks Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I've been fine with knowing hell doesn't exist. I've been ok with heaven not existing but sad off and on that I don't get to live forever. I think RennaissnceWoman was right when she described how our brains may have to go through a "re-wiring" of sorts after deconverting. I was sitting here thinking how awful it was when my dad unexpectedly died in a car crash when I was 9 years old, and my grandmother, trying to comfort me, said he was in heaven and would always be watching me. I would have preferred some hugs instead. Hugs didn't happen in my family. Anyway, the context I was thinking of today has to do with how I mixed up my dad with the bible God always watching me and have suffered a lot when being alone. For another forum I think. Suddenly I realized I will never see him again! My dad, whom I loved and admired more than anyone else. Some dumb reason I thought I'd get to see him and all I want to do is ask him if he's proud of me. Is he proud of what I've accomplished after the total shit that went down for years after his death? I'll never know and now I'm crying my eyes out. Yeah, I just made my first connection with death and atheism. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Hugs. You are not alone, many of us have experienced feelings like these. I think he would have wanted you to feel loved. I am sure he would have been proud of you. I can't really ease your pain but I want you to know I empathise with you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leahbekah Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Becks, I feel the same way... I was walking this path to atheism, and suddenly realized the implications of no afterlife. I couldn't bare it at first, but slowly coming to grips.... I don't know what I'll do if/when the time comes to see death touch my life. It is too sad. I'm almost angry we were ever told differently! I'm sorry (((hugs))) You're no where near alone in this journey. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
VacuumFlux Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 I'm not sure I truly accept the finaly of other people's deaths. Mine... I'm sad that there's so much of the distant future that I'll never know about, but I'm ok with knowing that I'll be dead and I won't care. Other people's deaths, though, are harder. I hold on to the memories of them, and sometimes "talk" to their "ghost" like I used to pray to god even though I know it's all in my head. And in a way... I don't want to stop doing that, because I'm afraid that if I "let go" too much I'll forget about them entirely and I feel like I'd be loosing part of my humanity if I lost the pain of the grief. It scares me sometimes, to forget the way a person looked or moved or what we used to do together. I forget the past pretty easily and I feel like a horrible person if I let the memories of my dead fade that way too. So I keep their birthdays on my calendar, their contact information in my address book, pictures of them, mementos... something to keep the memories alive. Heaven, actually, was less of a comfort to me as a christian than it was to others. Because people change through their lives, and friends I've not talked to in a while, sometimes it's hard to catch back up. How much more so would that be true for someone who'd gone through death, gotten a "resurection body" in heaven that has a whole different set of sensations and experiences than the ones I'm continuing to experience on earth? It just felt like they'd be in a such a different mode of existence that I'd never be able to relate to them in the same way I did when they had flesh and blood on earth. And "praying to the dead" was one of those creepy Catholic things that we Baptists weren't supposed to do, so your dead were lost until you after your own death anyway. I always figured that funerals were about the survivors mourning their loss, not being sad for the person who was supposedly in heaven, so I didn't understand why "they're in a better place" was assumed to be comforting. *internet hugs* Death sucks. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Over in the Ex-Christian Spirituality part of the forum, some of us have the notion that maybe things don't quite end at physical death. So while I'm an atheist as far as someone on a throne handing out judgments or some kind of supreme parent, or a paradise of sorts, I think there is more to us (and other life) than just biology. My reasons are that my wife and I seem to recall events and people from other lives. This isn't uncommon, but can't really be established as evidence despite some having rather vivid memories. Yet for me, it gives me something to ponder and perhaps a bit of hope for more fun down the road. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted May 23, 2015 Moderator Share Posted May 23, 2015 Becks, I totally relate to your post. As I was suffering about losing my belief in the christian god and jesus, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I may never see my mom, dad, sister, friends, other relatives including my Nanny's who I loved very much ever again. I had to ''re-grieve'' them all. It contributed to my depression in the last four years, but I was getting better as I accepted the reality of reality. Today, I'm OK about it. I just hope at my point of death, my brain will bring them all to me (in hallucinations) as I die. I am watching this right now in my own home as My MIL is dying and is calling out to certain people. She seems quite calm about these hallucinations. They seem very comforting. The other day, she told me she can't wait to see grandpa to give him a big kiss on the cheek. As her brain and body breaks down, I suspect there will be more hallucinations within the next month.(if she lasts that long) It's gut wrenching and slightly interesting to watch this before my very eyes. I tell her I love her everyday because I don't suspect I'll see her again. It's on of the hardest parts of deconverting. We're here for you hon. Hug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becks Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 Thank you for the hugs!!! I really appreciate your thoughtful responses. These last two weeks feel like my life is starting to unravel and It's making perfect sense. I left Christianity but apparently repressed all my thoughts about it, like closing a door on a very messy closet. Now I've opened the closet and everything is spilling out and I have to sort it all out. Margee I understand what you're saying about watching your mil, when my younger sister (we were 1 year apart) was dying of cancer she was hallucinating and kept telling me she was talking to people on the other side but couldn't tell me what they talked about. She was 18. I assumed at the time it was loved ones coming to take her home. Maybe it's a nice thing if that happens, to ease the brain of fear of death while the body is shutting down. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becks Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 Over in the Ex-Christian Spirituality part of the forum, some of us have the notion that maybe things don't quite end at physical death. So while I'm an atheist as far as someone on a throne handing out judgments or some kind of supreme parent, or a paradise of sorts, I think there is more to us (and other life) than just biology. My reasons are that my wife and I seem to recall events and people from other lives. This isn't uncommon, but can't really be established as evidence despite some having rather vivid memories. Yet for me, it gives me something to ponder and perhaps a bit of hope for more fun down the road. I've had similar thoughts, maybe I'll come over to that forum and see what you all are talking about. Thanks Fuego! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EyesOpened Posted May 23, 2015 Share Posted May 23, 2015 Thank you for the hugs!!! I really appreciate your thoughtful responses. These last two weeks feel like my life is starting to unravel and It's making perfect sense. I left Christianity but apparently repressed all my thoughts about it, like closing a door on a very messy closet. Now I've opened the closet and everything is spilling out and I have to sort it all out. Margee I understand what you're saying about watching your mil, when my younger sister (we were 1 year apart) was dying of cancer she was hallucinating and kept telling me she was talking to people on the other side but couldn't tell me what they talked about. She was 18. I assumed at the time it was loved ones coming to take her home. Maybe it's a nice thing if that happens, to ease the brain of fear of death while the body is shutting down. You described what i was looking for about the transition in my own life at this point. Seems like we kinda said we will deal with this mess later and now is that time. Hard pill to swallow. You are not alone and i totally understand where you are coming from. There are many people on this site that will help you go through this, myself included. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Becks Posted May 23, 2015 Author Share Posted May 23, 2015 Thank you for the hugs!!! I really appreciate your thoughtful responses. These last two weeks feel like my life is starting to unravel and It's making perfect sense. I left Christianity but apparently repressed all my thoughts about it, like closing a door on a very messy closet. Now I've opened the closet and everything is spilling out and I have to sort it all out. Margee I understand what you're saying about watching your mil, when my younger sister (we were 1 year apart) was dying of cancer she was hallucinating and kept telling me she was talking to people on the other side but couldn't tell me what they talked about. She was 18. I assumed at the time it was loved ones coming to take her home. Maybe it's a nice thing if that happens, to ease the brain of fear of death while the body is shutting down.You described what i was looking for about the transition in my own life at this point. Seems like we kinda said we will deal with this mess later and now is that time. Hard pill to swallow. You are not alone and i totally understand where you are coming from. There are many people on this site that will help you go through this, myself included. thank you! I'm with you and we can get through this together as much as possible. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sdelsolray Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I've been fine with knowing hell doesn't exist. I've been ok with heaven not existing but sad off and on that I don't get to live forever. I think RennaissnceWoman was right when she described how our brains may have to go through a "re-wiring" of sorts after deconverting. I was sitting here thinking how awful it was when my dad unexpectedly died in a car crash when I was 9 years old, and my grandmother, trying to comfort me, said he was in heaven and would always be watching me. I would have preferred some hugs instead. Hugs didn't happen in my family. Anyway, the context I was thinking of today has to do with how I mixed up my dad with the bible God always watching me and have suffered a lot when being alone. For another forum I think. Suddenly I realized I will never see him again! My dad, whom I loved and admired more than anyone else. Some dumb reason I thought I'd get to see him and all I want to do is ask him if he's proud of me. Is he proud of what I've accomplished after the total shit that went down for years after his death? I'll never know and now I'm crying my eyes out. Yeah, I just made my first connection with death and atheism. Yes, hugs. You still have your memories. Use them often. Also, you have the ability to surmise whether you father (if he were still alive) would tell you he was proud of you. Just apply some intellectual honesty, some emotional honesty and a bit of introspection. I don't know if this will help, but one thing that helped me was realizing that I am not that important, which may initially sound counter-intuitive, but really opened the door for me to learn how to balance the things factors that surround me daily. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Castiel233 Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I like to think of those that we have lost, sleeping peacefully beneath the soothing and gentle rays of sunlight. I was very close to my Grandma, she used to cook my schools dinners and make the tea and was, well, you know a proper Grandma. She went to bingo and had a little dog called fluffy. She was one of the most important people in my life and I was with her when she passed away. She died in the company of me and my mum (her daughter). She passed away as gentle and without a fuss, as serenely as a river calmly rejoins the ocean. I know I will never see her again, but having her in my life for 31 years was a great blessing for which I will always be grateful 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wyson Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I also totally relate. My dad died when I was 10 and my family coped by going to church. I felt he was waiting for the rapture and I would see him again. In a very real way, the God of the Bible became my surrogate dad. When I deconverted in my mid 20's it was a double wammy. I had to mourn the loss of my real dad and God at the same time. It was hard to talk to anyone about it because from the outside, no one could see that there was anything wrong. I wish, knowing what I do now that I went for bereavement councilling. It was v. hard to cope by myself. I feel for you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted May 24, 2015 Share Posted May 24, 2015 I'm with Fuego on this one - atheism and the finality of death seem to me to be separate issues. From my standpoint - coming from a family that did not believe that to which I gravitated in my Christian days - it's far better not to have to accept that my deceased father, aunts and my eventually to be deceased other relatives are not bound in screaming agony for ever. Even oblivion is the better option. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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