Feeling A Bit Lost And Empty...

[moanareina]

Hi everyone

 

Some of you know my struggles of the past week and also that I started with methylphenidate. So I am not sure if this all is side effect or I actually am more aware of my own emotions. But somehow it is weird. There is a mix of excitement and also emptiness and somehow feeling a bit lost.

 

This week I am examining why I am spending so much time online. Because I feel like I am wasting much time that could be used productive. For some reason I feel drawn to check my facebook, mailbox and forums I am active in just to see if something happened and also if someone responded to something. Then I keep scrolling and it takes a bit effort to leave it alone again.

 

Today I noticed how I felt lost in my day sorta. Like there is so much day and I can do this and that, so where to start and what for? Also it is a day off and I am not really obligated to do anything. So I planned my next week and the idea came up that I should take some time each day where I asked myself some questions like: What do I expect of this day? What do I wish to accomplish and most importantly, how do I feel and what are my needs and how can I meet them. And maybe take a good walk while pondering those questions.

 

Today I was somewhat productive and I could be happy. Now this empty feeling comes and goes. Somehow I look forward to go to bed.

I also feel a bit lost with it. There are many ideas for what to do with my life and time and I am happy that things start to form and fall into place. It is just right now it all feels somehow meaningless.

 

Maybe I spend too much time alone, don't know. Yesterday I was invited at a party and some friends of mine where there and we had a really nice evening. I felt good and enjoyed the company. I thought I would relax and have an easy day today. Now I was too lazy to really do what I find relaxing...like going outdoors and spend time in nature.

 

Sigh. I hope I am on to something and can really find out what this is about and how to deal with it.

 

I guess this also is the reason why I am not too fond of my psychologists suggestion of deleting my facebook app from my phone and thinking about reducing my friends list. Because it is not really about facebook and social media. It is about this emptiness. And I really don't see a point in reducing online time as long as I have not resolved the reason why I am spending all this time online. And I think once I have resolved the issue, it will not really be necessary.

 

I took a social media break once for one week and I watched a telenovela in Italian instead...

 

And well, it already helped to word this out. I guess I ll do some meditation on examining that feeling and try to accept it and be patient and good to myself.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Jeff]

Online helps me sometimes with that empty feeling too.

I was telling Becks today that I think online forums are valid time spent kinda like pen pals used to be back in earlier times. A bit more shallow maybe, but a valid support and valid friendships I think.

You hang in there ok? Sorry you're feeling a bit empty.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

I think online time can be really valuable and healthy.  At times I have cut down and allowed myself a certain number of hours per day, and this meant spending say an hour at the start of the day and using the other hours carefully so I got the most out of them.

 

I also try to cultivate offline friendships and activities.  Everything in moderation.

 

I dont know anything about the medication you are on.  My experience is more with antidepressants and the meds used to augment them.  Maybe (and I am speculating here) you are having some low moods, and maybe the new med is affecting that.  Maybe it will get better on its own or you might need to tell your dr about it and possibly add or change or increase an existing antidepressant.

 

Often when we have had depression, anxiety or similar issues for a long time, we forget what it feels like to be well, and we don't notice when we are unwell and might benefit from starting or adjusting meds for those symptoms.  Just something to think about.

[moanareina]

Thank you guys.

 

The thing with me spending all this online time is that it seems to increase that empty feeling. That's why I really want to get to the roots of it.

Because at the same time I too feel that all the forums and social media help me as well because people here are really helpful and honest and all. It helps to not get stuck in my own mind as it happens when weird emotions just jump on me once in a while.

 

So I take a break today because for one I got up at 10.30am and that's too late for the med since it is a retard product and lasts for about twelve hours. Maybe I ll continue tomorrow. But today I am also observing the difference.

 

I do have mood swings a lot. I learnt to take every day as it comes and be aware of how I feel at the moment and just allow it. That's a very helpful strategy. On the stimulants though I felt overwhelmed because there was that desire to be productive (and it was really fun to just do things that normally just pile up and wait to be done) and at the same time that empty feeling and it was quite intense. I somehow was up for a good walk but then I felt not really in a mood of going out of the house. A weird combo.

 

So I see what to do. For one I try to stay positive and see it all as an experience. It's an experiment and it can work out at the end and if not there are still many ways to go. And one I'm already on and works is awareness. Just might also need some more practice with it.

[Margee]

moan, I'm sorry you're going through some confusion. I give you a big cyber hug today. I sure hope you do OK with the new medication. Talk to your doctor about it and see if you are experiencing any side effects.

 

I can only speak from my own experience but I personally had to give myself permission to be 'lazy' at the computer. Let me explain. My mom used to tell me all the time, ''You can 'play' after all the work is done''. I did chores and errands at a very young age. We were expected to make our beds and help mom with all the housework and cooking. that wasn't a bad thing. Thing is.....the housework and errands never stop, so 'playtime' for me was very limited. I had to always get the work done. Getting involved with fundamentalism where I would eventually try to become 'perfect' for god didn't help any!! There was bible study, going to church 2 times on Sunday, being a good girl, etc.... Everything had to be 'just so'' before I would sit and 'waste time'.

 

I always felt guilty spending too much time on the computer, but you know what moan? I've discovered that It's my very favorite thing to do. And yes, I could spend hour after hour on it and I have done that. That's when the empty feeling hits me because I know I am neglecting myself, my life, my friends, my errands, my chores....etc. So I personally had to take the bull by the horns and find the right balance. Now I get stuff done for the day (I make a checklist) and I try hard not to make the list so big anymore. I used to want to do it all in one day. I don't push myself that hard anymore. I allow 'tomorrow' to get more done. I like my cyber friends. I can only handle so many 'real' people in my life because I personally find too many people drains me. So again, finding the balance is so important (like FT mentioned). 

 

I am also observing that the majority of humans go through moods swings all day. Again, I think that humans put too much stress on ourselves and cause  a lot of our own misery. I know I do. I've always been too hard on myself. I want everything just perfect and I finally understand that it's probably never going to happen. Age has taught me this. I think it is so important to take control of our brains. We need to be the commanders of ourselves. The way we talk to ourselves is so important. I catch myself constantly being negative and I have to change my self talk all the time. I have learned that the stress response is so important. I need to learn how to calm myself (my brain) down. This is where self talk comes in. Telling ourselves (the brain) strong good things about a stressful situation. Stress comes from the old brain for survival and it's there for a reason but it's up to us to make ourselves feel safe again. (The tiger has stopped chasing you)

 

 Don't be so hard on yourself hon. Get some important stuff done, meet a friend every now and again for coffee, create a small social life, go for some nice walks and play on your computer guilt free. A lot of humans are always feeling guilty and stressed. We live in too much stress. Today, I am telling myself not to stress. And I hope you do the same hon. But I will try to get a couple of important things done today.... also including a 20 walk.

 

We're her for you. As florduh always used to say to me, ''Now go have some fun!!''

 

((hug))

[Ellinas]

Perhaps the answer is to experiment a little.  Try a day or two without the computer, try a day or two saturated by your screen.  Which leaves you in the better frame of mind?  Once you know that, you can try working out the right balance for you and structure your days accordingly.

[florduh]

Because it is not really about facebook and social media. It is about this emptiness.

 

Really think about that sentence.

[Guest sylensikeelyoo]

I am a pharmacy student and while I am not qualified to give any counseling whatsoever on medications, I highly recommend telling your Dr exactly what you told us. Your dosage may need adjusting. The symptoms you are describing could be from your new meds. I hope you feel better! HUGS!!!! <3

[moanareina]

 

Because it is not really about facebook and social media. It is about this emptiness.

 

Really think about that sentence.

 

 

florduh, I am not quite sure how you mean that. It would be helpful if you gave a bit of explanation to your thought. Thanks :-).

 

 

Also thank you all for the great responses. I just took two days of a break and tomorrow I ll have the general medical test that is about my thyroid, liver and kidney functions and blood stuff and heart rates. My doc will provide the data to my psychiatrist and I thought I will ask for an appointment there as soon as he gets them and then talk about the effects and side effects and my experiences of the past two weeks.

 

I am also thinking about getting a second opinion with a neurologist and psychiatrist because I think it is really one sided to just do a diagnosis on question sheets and interviews.

[florduh]

florduh, I am not quite sure how you mean that. It would be helpful if you gave a bit of explanation to your thought. Thanks :-).

 

 

 

 

Social media tends to replace real life for some people. It's like porn, no problem if you have a normal healthy sex life, but if porn becomes a replacement for real life, then it's more difficult to establish normal relationships with real people.

 

So what I meant was that the fake life actually is the problem, or at least a big contributing factor to creating a less than satisfactory social life and viable relationships.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

 

Because it is not really about facebook and social media. It is about this emptiness.

 

Really think about that sentence.

 

 

florduh, I am not quite sure how you mean that. It would be helpful if you gave a bit of explanation to your thought. Thanks :-).

 

 

Also thank you all for the great responses. I just took two days of a break and tomorrow I ll have the general medical test that is about my thyroid, liver and kidney functions and blood stuff and heart rates. My doc will provide the data to my psychiatrist and I thought I will ask for an appointment there as soon as he gets them and then talk about the effects and side effects and my experiences of the past two weeks.

 

I am also thinking about getting a second opinion with a neurologist and psychiatrist because I think it is really one sided to just do a diagnosis on question sheets and interviews.

 

 

I think it's ok to call the psychiatrist and tell them about the symptoms, to see if the dosage needs adjusting.  If they wont discuss by phone, then make an appointment asap.  I think waiting weeks is too long. Unless the symptoms are mild, I guess.

 

The main/only way a psychiatrist can diagnose a patient is by question sheets and interviews.  The initial interview should be at least 45 minutes.  I would only seek a second opinion if I had doubts about the accuracy of the diagnosis.  Also, is a neurologist necessary?  Are you having neurological symptoms? What does your regular/family doctor think?  Usually they refer you to a specialist when the issues are beyond the scope of their own training. Mild issues can usually be dealt with by a primary/family doctor.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

 

florduh, I am not quite sure how you mean that. It would be helpful if you gave a bit of explanation to your thought. Thanks :-).

 

 

 

 

Social media tends to replace real life for some people. It's like porn, no problem if you have a normal healthy sex life, but if porn becomes a replacement for real life, then it's more difficult to establish normal relationships with real people.

 

So what I meant was that the fake life actually is the problem, or at least a big contributing factor to creating a less than satisfactory social life and viable relationships.

 

 

I dunno, is online interaction "fake"?  As Margee said, it can be a better way of interacting because real life interactions can be draining for some people. I'm a bit like that these days, due to being an introvert, and having fatigue issues.  I can be online with close friends for several hours and not be tired, while if I spend a couple of hours with a friend in real life, it can be exhausting.  I don't see my online friendships as fake.  Sure there are some fairly superficial/cursory acquaintanceships, but I don't spend as much time on them.  Mostly, I am either engaging with people who are quite important to me, or on information/issues that are quite important to me.  Just my two cents worth.

[florduh]

Okay, FTNZ. Maybe "fake" is the wrong word. My point is that with online interaction or relationships there may or may not be a real person at the other end. Even if someone online really is who they say they are, most human communication and interaction is nonverbal and much gets lost or misunderstood when not dealing face to face. Even dealing with people you actually know in real life is a bit flat and empty when it's reduced to 1s and 0s. I think when cyber life replaces real life, it makes satisfying relationships in real life that much harder. If one needs to build social skills and confidence to navigate a world full of flesh and blood people, then retreating to the keyboard becomes counterproductive. Introversion can be overcome and that helps one in every aspect of professional and private life; it can't be overcome if you don't join the party but rather settle for the easy interaction of the Internet.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Okay, FTNZ. Maybe "fake" is the wrong word. My point is that with online interaction or relationships there may or may not be a real person at the other end. Even if someone online really is who they say they are, most human communication and interaction is nonverbal and much gets lost or misunderstood when not dealing face to face. Even dealing with people you actually know in real life is a bit flat and empty when it's reduced to 1s and 0s. I think when cyber life replaces real life, it makes satisfying relationships in real life that much harder. If one needs to build social skills and confidence to navigate a world full of flesh and blood people, then retreating to the keyboard becomes counterproductive. Introversion can be overcome and that helps one in every aspect of professional and private life; it can't be overcome if you don't join the party but rather settle for the easy interaction of the Internet.

 

I agree with you, except for the idea that introversion can be overcome.  It don't think it can, but more importantly I challenge the idea that it should be overcome.  Introvert Pride is now a thing

 

I agree that social skills should be developed, and that it helps in professional and private life.  I guess I'm in introvert with social skills - I can do face to face interaction when I need to, having spent a long time learning how.  At times in my life, I've been considered the life and soul of the party.  I'm just middle aged now and a bit "over it", to be honest.  I still do it when I have to, and I rest afterwards. 

 

I think younger people, say, 15-25 year olds, do need to get off the internet and develop those social skills in practice.  So your message for those readers is spot-on.

 

Back to Introvert Pride, there are many advantages to being an introvert.  Susan Cain wrote an excellent book on the subject:  http://www.thepowerofintroverts.com/

[florduh]

Yes, people are taking pride in everything these days whether warranted or not.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

Yes, people are taking pride in everything these days whether warranted or not.

 

[moanareina]

Thank you guys.

 

And it is not that social media is replacing "real"-life experiences. I take spending time with people in a physical place over social media any time. And I also am establishing new relationships and also picking up old ones. Now my job is really a thing that makes this a bit harder because I am working shifts and weekends and all. And because I am more the spontaneous type. I hate planing weeks in advance. I live in a country where most people are not really spontaneous and if you want to meet them you need to plan ahead.

 

Just the other day I spoke with a friend who told me how proud she was she stopped smoking and how she told this to her therapist and her therapist was like: Well, you might have stopped smoking but have you taken care of the reason you needed to smoke or have you replaced smoking with something else? That's what I am mean. I can delete all my social media accounts but I think it won't really solve the issue. I think this too is the reason why it is hard for addicts to get clean and stay clean. I saw an interesting research with rats recently. They gave the rats drugs and then installed a bottle with drugs and one without where the rats could go and serve themselves. They chose an environment in which the rats where isolated and also was unpleasant. The rats chose the drugs. Then they took those same rats and had the drug bottle and the non drug bottle in an environment that was nice and also with other rats etc. The rats slowly stopped to drink from the drugged bottle. I know rats are not humans. But I think this is spot on.

 

And today I am actually feeling better already. I guess it is all about being aware and taking care of my needs.

 

Thank you all for being awesome.

[moanareina]

 

I think it's ok to call the psychiatrist and tell them about the symptoms, to see if the dosage needs adjusting.  If they wont discuss by phone, then make an appointment asap.  I think waiting weeks is too long. Unless the symptoms are mild, I guess.

 

The main/only way a psychiatrist can diagnose a patient is by question sheets and interviews.  The initial interview should be at least 45 minutes.  I would only seek a second opinion if I had doubts about the accuracy of the diagnosis.  Also, is a neurologist necessary?  Are you having neurological symptoms? What does your regular/family doctor think?  Usually they refer you to a specialist when the issues are beyond the scope of their own training. Mild issues can usually be dealt with by a primary/family doctor.

 

 

Thing is, it seemed so easy to get a diagnosis. Those questions are really hard to answer because one day you would say yes and the other day no depending on your mood and perception of yourself and others. That's why I feel very insecure with all of this. And there are other methods as computer tests for example. As they do with neuro-feedback. And why a neurologist? Because there is this tremor I never really felt a problem until a friend mentioned it and since it crosses my mind once in a while. But I will see what the blood tests will be like because I have been told that it could also be the thyroids. Ah and also because I have a hard time to relax and thought it could be something with my nervous system.

 

And I just took a break with the meds. That is no problem, they are not like other meds where you need to build up over weeks for them to start do their job. Some take them on weekdays only or just when they need to get things done. I will see if I try again. But I might. For now I want to get my blood pressure up to normal because I need to feel like my normal self to try again with the meds. Otherwise I will never know what is effect and side effect and what is just other stuff. For example right now I feel nervous probably because my heart has a lot of work due to low blood pressure.

[Travi]

One thing you may want to look at, as the others said, talk to your doctor about the side effects and feelings. The low blood pressure, is this something you have always dealt with? Or is it something that just came along recently since you started the new medicine? Your body takes time to adjust to new medications, and all of this could be from it.

Hopefully everyone comes back okay in the tests and all of it is shown to be just the adjustments. Primarily, take care of yourself and leave nothing to chance right now. If ever in doubt, definitely consult with your doctor

[moanareina]

Well, low blood pressure is nothing new to me though it is nothing I constantly battle with. It just happens once in a while. Especially when it is not really nice outside and I stay indoors all day...which I did. Also I suspect B12 and Iron to be low. Just took supplements. I am also aware that my body needs time to adjust to meds. It is why I continued until I felt like it was too much especially since I needed a good nights sleep again. And yes I will talk to the doc, no worries. I just want to have another try to better be able to know what is going on.

 

I once took a drug for my skin and it gave me crazy headaches. But the headaches only came after about six weeks into treatment. I stopped taking it and when my next visit at the doctor was (needed to control my blood for it...and no I would not do this again cause it really is a crazy drug and I think it did some damage...but I was young and wanted to have clean skin so bad) I told him about the headaches. He went: That is not possible because if it was from the meds it would have occurred in the first week of taking it. So I started to take em again and the same kind of headache came back...so I knew it was the med.

[VacuumFlux]

If you figure out that the feeling of emptiness is something you need to address and not just a side effect of medication...

 

Do you have any hobbies? Anything you care a lot about? Anything that you get excited about doing and feel sad if you miss the oportunity? Any good friends that, after time with them, you go home with a smile and a feeling of contentment? You said that being in nature is relaxing for you, is there anything more specific about nature that you like and would want to learn about or spend more time experiencing? If so, then instead of trying to stay away from the computer, I'd recommend planning (like actually schedule time on the calendar, not just wishful thinking) to do something else that makes you happy and look forward to it, so that you don't even miss the computer time. I find that to be much more effective for lifestyle change than telling myself "no" to something. And if you don't know what makes you feel that way, experiement to see if you can find something.

 

I've got a bit of a problem with a computer addiction myself. Mostly it happens when I'm depressed or sick and just can't find the energy to do something I'd enjoy more, or when I'm lonely and don't think to just ask a friend for some face to face time (the internet is great for some coversations, but other times I just need a hug). And then I feel guilty and mad at myself. But when I'm feeling better, and the craving for computer time hits... I actually get mad at that craving because I'm excited about something else I want to do, and the excitement and the something else (often an art project for me) win out. When the rest of my life is in better balance, the urge to check the computer doesn't rise to the level of a "craving", it's just one more thing that I could choose to do if I'm in the mood for it.

[moanareina]

Ah VacuumFlux...yes that is all I am talking about. And when I am doing well I can easy resist that urge or don't even have it. And when I go online it does not have that drag.

 

I am just developing new hobbies and I also try to build new relationships and also take care of old ones I still value. But with my mood changes, that is really not that easy because I do have that stupid fear that if I will be in a weird mood and spend time with someone this person might think I was boring and not want to meet with me again. And I often feel lost with planing a day because of that feeling of "what for?" or "after doing something fun is before doing something fun...and what then?". Now I have talked about this today with my psychologist and somehow I felt like being at the right place with her for the first time. We also talked about the meds and agreed that the meds would not have priority and we would work on my mood regulations before doing anything with meds. We talked about borderline personality again and it does make sense to me. She said that empty feeling I described would be a main issue with BPD though she does not think I would qualify for a full diagnosis (I guess I worked through many issues that could qualify for a full BPD-diagnosis myself somehow already...and I am proud of that). But I guess I could profit from DBT (dialectic behavioral therapy). So now I need to find a so called skills group (the one they have is full already and a new one will not be started until December and there is no sign of a participant wanting to leave the group) and that somehow scares me a litte. Like to go to another place again. How do I find such a group. I am left with the internet. Though I might ask her for addresses.

 

And now...I do some more research and "soul search"

[directionless]

I was reading about borderline personality disorder and saw this quote:

People with BPD tend to have trouble seeing a clear picture of their identity. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy.[35] They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This difficulty with knowing who they are and what they value can cause people with BPD to experience feeling "empty" and "lost".[35]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder

 

Emptiness made me think of meditation. This video about depression has some good insights from Ajahn Brahm. One thing he says is that to strengthen your body, you move it, but to strengthen your mind, you hold it still.

https://youtu.be/4N_jjY7W_fs

 

Also emptiness might give motivation to fill the void left when eliminating a bad habit.

[moanareina]

Thank you directionless

 

And yes this describes it pretty well though I do know more and more who I am and what I want but sometimes there comes that feeling of everything just being for nothing and not ever getting somewhere I really enjoy. Then everything feels meaningless even though I like the life I am living.

[moanareina]

Maybe a short update.

 

My general doc just sent me the lab results yesterday...yes yesterday, funny eh. However I am pretty healthy, but there is an iron and vit b12 deficiency which I suspected and already started to take supplements and also a severe vit d deficiency which came by surprise but at the same time is not all too strange. I think it has to do with my diet and not being too careful with supplementing the critical elements such as iron and b12 and also d. I did supplement but was not too serious about it.

 

However, priority now is, to get the levels up again. I am glad I waited for the results before continuing with meds or so.

 

I also informed my psychiatrist and my psychologist.

 

And I have an appointment for a pre-talk for a so called skills group for borderline patients. I am a little scared but then again, what can happen? I think it will be an interesting year and help me to get to know myself better.

 

OK...and...just found out I passed my logic 1 test, whoot! My first university lecture has been completed successfully :-).