Daffodil Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 After reading about the Duggar scandal and then learning more about the Christian Patriarchy movement, I started to wonder how you gentlemen out there felt about being expected to be the "head " of your wife (if you were ever married) and head of the home. I ask this because I know in my home, my husband was never really comfortable with that role. It used to frustrate me no end that he would not take more of a leadership role in our home, and I used to both slyly and overtly try to push him in that direction. I am ashamed at my behavior now, and wish I had never played those stupid manipulative games with him. I am also now deeply thankful that he was never like the domineering, controlling "heads" that we sometimes hear about in Christian circles. He did not become a Christian till college and was not raised in a Christian home. His parents both had master's degrees and careers, so I suppose that is why he balked at the role. Anyway, any thoughts? Were you uncomfortable with it or just accept that that was the way it was supposed to be? Was your transition to a secular home life difficult? Just curious. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ Fuego ♦ Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I never adopted it. I saw others that behaved this way and I thought they were jerks. Especially toward the end when I visited a missionary compound down in Mexico. Women were like emotionless robots and guys were in control, and subservient to the main guy. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller2 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Can't say I ever saw it in the UK tho I was aware of it thru christian books from the USA.I heard plenty of shit in seminars from women complaining bout how we needed more men who would b leaders but I too was raised in a non religious house with parents who had advanced degrees and careers.After my parents split ,the second half of my childhood was exposed to alot of feminist 'voices' and although I never liked it but I must say to this day I don't understand why one so many from one gender can't be content leading themselves and enjoy the freedom of that but each to their own I suppose.why the hell do so many people feel they need a leader?lol 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jds22 Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 Got "saved" when I was 15 and have been married for 27 years now. I knew what role the bible wanted me to play but I never went for it. My wife and I are equal partners. Different, but equal. My wife comes from a very strict fundy home and her father and brothers play the head of the household role to the max. It drives me nuts. I can't stand being around them and I really feel sorry for their wives but the wives are conditioned to take it and look at it as their Christian duty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GraphicsGuy Posted June 10, 2015 Share Posted June 10, 2015 I was definitely not a "head of the home" type when I was married. I was (and still am in most ways) very passive. My wife was a "rule with an iron fist" type AND a fundy at the same time, so you can imagine the mixed bag of "right and wrong" that existed within the home. Let's just say that whatever was okay for her was usually not okay for the rest of us (me and the kids). Anyway...that part of my life is over and done with (HOORAY!) and my current SO is far better suited to me. It is definitely an equal partnership (I think I got the better end of that deal) and there is definitely none of that "head of the household" bullshit going on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted June 13, 2015 Share Posted June 13, 2015 My wife has no more intention of being ruled by me (despite the attitudes of older members of her family) than I have of being ruled by her. It makes for a lot of bickering and a lot of laughs. And that makes life with her interesting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sylensikeelyoo Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 This is the thing that got me in trouble in my Christian days. I had a huge problem with allowing my husband to "rule" over me, as I was kinda the queen bee of my house growing up, having my daddy wrapped around my finger. As an adult and happily married, I also have my husband wrapped around my finger, but yet make him feel as though he's calling the shots. This made my Christian walk very difficult and guilt ridden. I struggled so much with the thought of having a man, or anyone rule over me. I am a very Alpha personality and for the longest time, I thought I had a demon in me, because I couldn't be okay with anyone having "dominion" over me. I struggled with guilt and depression over the ordeal. Now that I am not a Christian, I am happy again being me. I am also less of a bitch too, because I am comfortable asserting my dominance, but not running people over, or crushing anyone's spirits, as I had a tendency to do when repressing myself. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 The entire concept of men who have to lead the family was totally alien to me, at least in a religious context. Of course conservatives used to (and still are) see it that way but I've always said GFY. Never heard that preached from the pulpit or such either. If anything, I've encountered the exact opposite - insane over-the-top "feminists" (they really don't have any right to the title but that's what they call themselves and the media call them like that too) who insist that whatever men think and say and do is automatically bad and wrong and evil and thus women are always right. I despise these exactly as much as I despise patriarchy-supporting conservative morons. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Funny that. Mrs E is no bra-burning feminist - but she is always right. At least, that's what she tells me when we argue... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Well now that sounds... rather normal. I mean, if both sides were not convinced that they're right, there wouldn't be much of an argument at all no? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffodil Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 Thanks for your responses everyone. Thurisaz, I agree completely with you on the radical "feminists". They have never spoken for me and never will. I absolutely agree with all efforts at equality, but to vilify one sex to hold up another is just stupid. I've always wondered at the men who are married to some of these women. What is their take on it? I guess part of my reasons for bringing up headship in marriage is because the focus of criticism always seems to be on what it does to women. I think it hurts men, too, when it imposes a role on them that they don't necessarily want or feel is right. They're stuck feeling guilty for not being the leader that's expected of them, for not being "man enough" to lead their families. Am I off base here? I mean, clearly plenty of men probably like having an excuse to treat their wives like one of the children, but not all do? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 My husband tried that *once* when we were dating. I followed his lead and it turned out he was completely wrong. That moment changed how we operated. A curious thing I see in the North American church is that many women give much lip service to the "headship" thing but the reality is completely different. They like to think their husband is in the (god-given) driver's seat. But in reality, sure, he may be in propped up in the driver's seat, but she is right behind him in the back seat, with both legs draped over reaching to the brake/accelerator, and both hands over the seat too, gripping the steering wheel. It would be funny if not so sad. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffodil Posted June 14, 2015 Author Share Posted June 14, 2015 You know, Positivist, you're right, but don't ever suggest that to a Christian! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted June 14, 2015 Share Posted June 14, 2015 Seems like common sense would say two heads are better than one. A unified leadership of both people is smarter to me. We also alternate leadership depending on the situation. I take the lead in spider killing and checking out strange noises. She leads in getting bills paid and negotiating payments. We have different things we excel at or at least do better than our partner. Putting one in charge of a relationship merely because of their gender is silly. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellinas Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 Well now that sounds... rather normal. I mean, if both sides were not convinced that they're right, there wouldn't be much of an argument at all no? That is a truth only evident to those not involved in the argument...! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sybaris Posted June 15, 2015 Share Posted June 15, 2015 My X and her husband fell into a Christian cult that strongly advocates the uber-patriarchal role. On top of that her husband is 5'0" so he also has that short man's complex where any opportunity to exercise some authority is done with great zeal. Anyway, it was like fuckin' pulling teeth to get any information or answers out of her about our daughters cause EVERY question had to be run by her husband and it would always be 3 days before I would get a response. When she would answer it would be prefaced with, "According to Bob's wisdom blah, blah, blah........." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolaida Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 My husband tried that *once* when we were dating. I followed his lead and it turned out he was completely wrong. That moment changed how we operated. A curious thing I see in the North American church is that many women give much lip service to the "headship" thing but the reality is completely different. They like to think their husband is in the (god-given) driver's seat. But in reality, sure, he may be in propped up in the driver's seat, but she is right behind him in the back seat, with both legs draped over reaching to the brake/accelerator, and both hands over the seat too, gripping the steering wheel. It would be funny if not so sad. Yes, this. My mom always took me to Proverbs 31 claases and women studies about how a woman was supposed to act according to God. My mom always claimed that's hwo she was, but she's nothing like that! She's controlling and my dad always deferred to her and when he didn't it'd be a huge fight (same to this day). But she did always insist he say the prayers, lol. Sybaris..... I feel for you, having to deal with all that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burny Posted June 17, 2015 Share Posted June 17, 2015 We took the headship thing very seriously. I hated it. I was the only one who had a job and I hated it. My wife got to stay home with two kids and didn't have to make decisions or worry about putting food on the table. On the other hand she was treated like a lowly servant some times. I'm ashamed of that. Since deconverting, she is getting a university degree and plans to work. We now do everything together as full equals and we are both feminists. Life is MUCH better now! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted June 18, 2015 Share Posted June 18, 2015 Seems like common sense would say two heads are better than one. A unified leadership of both people is smarter to me. We also alternate leadership depending on the situation. I take the lead in spider killing and checking out strange noises. She leads in getting bills paid and negotiating payments. We have different things we excel at or at least do better than our partner. Putting one in charge of a relationship merely because of their gender is silly. This is how I have lived in both my marriages, and it's how I was raised with my parents and how my ex-husbands' parents lived. Two intelligent adults working together synergistically, each bringing their own strengths and each growing through the relationship, seems to be the best and most sensible arrangement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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