Need Some Advice About Somthing.

[traveller2]

It's a delicate matter about my childhood.its really a long time ago now,30 yrs and I want to stress that for a number of reasons.obe we all do stupid things both as kids and young adults.things we'd never do now.i kno I hav and of course when we r young we don't kno the full import of our actions.i did stupid cruel things too and I nor anyone else is who we were at 8 or 9 or 18 for that matter.second and following on from that bringing up such things with one who is now a stranger of 30 yrs is really pretty inappropriate.third I kno as a man I hav to deal with it myself for the most part.i can choose to therapeutically deal with it which is almost certainly the beat way to go about this however I could use some honest ex christian advice about this to lay some 'what ifs ' to rest.

As a child I was bullied several times.not exactly uncommon of course.it still haunts me tho.in a recent post I spoke of it and it has been plaguing me lately.once incident very much so but seriously both I and my bullies were like 8 or something.

Two boys pinned me down one day in the school playing fields and kept me like that for what seemed like ages,tormenting me verbally and several times stuffing grass in my mouth.today it might be pursued as an assault.back then....things were different.i certainly never spoke of it.

One of them,even then was a sick boy.he came from a 'good' home but even then I wonder exactly what his home life was really like as he had a very sadistic nature even if I discount that sole incident from him to me.the other kid was just a normal boy I suppose.

I looked him up last yyear.hes a family man now,owns his own bussiness as some sort of corporate social function company.good for him he's done well.

He may or may not recall that aafternoon.but I clearly do.i somtime think of emailing him.not abusive ly but just to introduce myself and ask him if he remembered that day.tell him how that day shattered so much for me.how it haunts me.see what he has to say.

So that's my request for aadvice.is it inappropriate? Should I just accept that young kids do cruel things and get help myself?I've been in counselling etc many many times as an adult.its not some huge gulf to span to return to it to address this tho some other approach beyond person centred counselling would likely b better I think.

I hav read a few stories of folk who did contact ex bullies and it was very healing fir them.but for all those stories I'm sure there r others where contact was ignored or made it worse etc and I can't help but feel that after all these yrs it probably just not really the right thing to do.its just it torments me.

[FreeThinkerNZ]

It's a tough call, I can see pros and cons.  I really don't know what would be best for you to do.  I guess if the chance of it helping outweighs the chance of it making things worse, I'd do it.  He might choose to ignore it, but at least you would have expressed yourself and made him think about it again.  I think often it haunts the bully for years to come.  He may have tried to forget about it but it keeps coming back to him.  Or he has forgotten about it, but apologises when reminded.

 

The people most responsible for what happened are the adults who didn't make sure they knew what was going on, and didn't create an environment where victims felt they could raise an issue and it would be dealt with.  I know it was a long time ago and it doesn't pay to judge the people of the 1980s with the standards of 2015 but yeah they could have done better.  This sort of bullying still goes on, I'm sure.  We need to do more to stop it.

 

Whatever you decide, good luck.

[Guest sylensikeelyoo]

It may be good therapy for the both of you if he's all grown up and possibly turned into a decent person. I don't think it would hurt to contact the guy. Whats he gonna do, give you a wedgie? He probably feels sorry for what he did and it could be good for him to say it to you and you to hear it from him. Best of luck to you, and I'm really sorry for what happened to you. I know what it's like to be bullied. Most of us do. It sucks and it can fuck with your head.

[yunea]

It might be that having kids of his own has made him rethink his own childhood. Maybe he wouldn't want his kid pinned down, grass in his mouth, listening to verbal abuse, and it makes him choke up thinking of it. Maybe he's hoping you've forgotten all about it and that's why he hasn't contacted you to apologize.

 

Or it might be that he hasn't thought of it and has trouble remembering it. Maybe he still lacks empathy the same way he did as a kid. There's honestly no way to say before you try talking to him.

 

I was severely bullied as a kid and teen too, and had major problems feeling any self worth well into adulthood. Christianity wasn't exactly helpful either with its emphasis on us being filthy.

 

So far I haven't contacted my bullies, though it seems most of mine didn't get very far in life. The worst bully is a taxi driver, another became a very young teenage mom, many less bad ones are still living in our tiny home town. I've not ever been to class reunions but I'm actually considering attending the next one if there is one because I finally feel I'm as much a person as they are.

 

Good luck with everything.

[mymistake]

I wouldn't and here is why: if you reestablish contact then you are giving this guy an influence in your life.

 

It looks to me that he had demonstrated that he doesn't deserve such an influence.  Now it is true that if he

 

has changed then he could give you some closure.  But that is relying on him.  What if he didn't change?

 

What little benefit you might received from a changed bully is offset by the risk you would place yourself in

 

if he chooses to harm you.  I would recommend that instead of contacting him you change yourself.  You

 

grow.  You learn.  You create closure on your own.  Learn to get past your childhood experience without

 

relying on questionable characters.

[Overcame Faith]

So sorry to hear of this terrible and cruel episode in your life as a child. You have received some excellent advice so far and I agree with all of them even though there are differing views on what you should do. My agreement with the wisdom of everyone who so far has offered advice and opinions just goes to show how no one can know what is the right thing to do.

 

Since no one, and especially I, do not know what is the right thing to do, try this. Try and decide what would be most helpful for you. As you think through the various possible scenarios, do your best to place yourself there in your mind so you can come as close as possible to feeling what you would feel in real life if that scenario played out. Try to think of as many scenarios as possible, everything from you doing nothing, to your contacting him by email, to sitting in a coffee shop with him to talk, to your sending him a peace offering like flowers or something and telling him you forgive him and asking him to forgive himself. Live through them all as best you can in your mind, then make your decision.

 

I hope you find the peace you obviously need and deserve.

[traveller2]

Thanks for your input everyone.ive been looking at ur answers as a bit of a rule against wish to measure my own somtime more emotionally driven decision/thought process.my decision is gny be to err on the side of caution and not make contact but instead try to find a suitable approach to change how I feel when I recall it.i live in a big city and tho I hav to research a bit there are plenty of practioners of various therapeutic approaches that could achieve this rather than some open ended talk therapy which I think I'm kinda burnt out with.

[Ellinas]

I think that's the right approach.  If you contact him you risk merely making yourself more vulnerable.