TotalWreck Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Well, once again I got weak (I've been going through a tough time lately), and in my moment of desperation, I decided to pray to "God" again. Like I'd done many times in the past, I did my whole, "God, if you just do this one little thing to let me know you're listening and that you're there, I'll start believing and praying again." It was a simple little request that a powerful "God" surely would've been able to do to let me know he was there and listening. But sure enough, nothing happened and my little request did not come to frutation. I feel like such a fucking fool and I'm angry that I wasted two days trying to bring "God" close to me, knowing damn well I've been disappointed enough in the past to know better by now. Why do I keep "relapsing" so to speak? Am I ever going to learn? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duderonomy Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 First, tell me what you did as a de-converted Christian that was so unusual? I hope whatever you are going through gets better. I don't know enough of your story or situation to really say much more. Edit: I should have said as an Ex-Christian, but you knew that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Avandris Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 You are definitely not alone. I find myself doing this quite regularly at the moment. I pray and I beg and I plead for God to please just show me He's there. All I ever receive is silence and I'm left feeling frustrated with myself. I think it's normal, particularly if you've spent a long time as a Christian. I think at times it feels like betrayal, here I was thinking I was in this deeply personal relationship with God, that He loved me but He can't do one little thing to save me from my unbelief. Of course I now know that's silly, He was never there to begin with, but it's a hard thing to let go at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HolyGoat Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 I think your situation is completely justified. Granted, you don't believe anymore, but when hard times hit, logic and reason fly out the window. All you want is something, anything, to give you some hope, peace or comfort. Don't beat yourself up for it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mymistake Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Eh, sounds kind of normal. I deconverted in a different order than you did so I dealt with prayer earlier. For me at the end I would only pray that God would grow back the limb of a specific amputee that I saw every day. I never told the amputee that I was praying for him. Instead I followed the Bible directions exactly. It was a completely selfless prayer. I prayed quietly when I was by myself. I don't know how long it lasted but I decided that I would not pray for anything else until God healed that amputee. Of course that never happened. Later on when I gave up on praying to God I still wanted to break the habit so I started praying to Captain Kirk of Star Fleet. I prayed the exact way I would to God or Jesus but I changed the names. That broke my habit really fast. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheOutsider Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Forget praying to Jesus, try praying to Hastur the unspeakable one, if he's real you won't live long enough to regret it, if he's not real, it's just as productive. Much more exciting, don't you think? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Travi Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Well, once again I got weak (I've been going through a tough time lately), and in my moment of desperation, I decided to pray to "God" again. Like I'd done many times in the past, I did my whole, "God, if you just do this one little thing to let me know you're listening and that you're there, I'll start believing and praying again." It was a simple little request that a powerful "God" surely would've been able to do to let me know he was there and listening. But sure enough, nothing happened and my little request did not come to frutation. I feel like such a fucking fool and I'm angry that I wasted two days trying to bring "God" close to me, knowing damn well I've been disappointed enough in the past to know better by now. Why do I keep "relapsing" so to speak? Am I ever going to learn? I did this when I started dating my ex-girlfriend. She knew I had deconverted originally, and had asked me to try it all again. For her, it was worth it. So, I basically did the same thing: I challenged God to make the relationship a success and get her through the troubles she was dealing with. I told him he does that, and he has me back for good. Of course, the relationship fell apart - but she did get through her troubles and is living her life now. People look at me and say: "Well, God got her through it all!" and I reply: "But I lost the woman I loved." So, the usual excuse is: "Well, God has a better plan for you then." Either way, relapsing is normal especially if you drowned in it growing up like I was. Now, I don't make arrangements for anyone when it comes to my faith, or lack thereof. If you can't accept me as a non-believer, then you don't deserve me at all. But yeah, eventually - after repeated failure, it'll sink in. Just give it time. Let God fail you a few more times, and it becomes clearer as time goes on. Know why God fails you? Because God doesn't exist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest sylensikeelyoo Posted July 15, 2015 Share Posted July 15, 2015 Yeah like everyone said, we have all done that and some of us still do. What's that about old habits, seeing as we are ex-Christians and all that? LOL There's no reason to feel stupid. Even if you do what Travi did and re-convert for a while because, you know, Christian pussy. *shrugs* we all have our reasons. Regardless, God isn't real no matter how bad we want him to be. No amount of prayer is gonna change that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller2 Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 Takes a long time to purge oneself of the archtype and the desire to ask help of a father in the sky who can help us etc.im five yrs or so in to deconversion and on occasion feel like praying when things get too much.its so ingrained. Be kind to yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MoriahConqueringWind Posted July 16, 2015 Share Posted July 16, 2015 You ARE learning. Right now, or just then, you had a learning experience that reinforced the fact that there's no sky daddy up there looking after you waiting to pick you up and kiss your boo-boos while overlooking the boo-boos you inflict on others. (Not saying you personally go around hurting people, just saying that last bit is key, core and center with believers, ALL the time, innit? They ALWAYS think their crap don't stink like everyone else's.... You don't really want to go back to being one of those morons, do you? Chin up, you're way better than that. You have to be, because you're HERE! Seriously, I relapse all the time. Only with me I get way freaky results. Your lack of results is way more typical and normal. I've been an atheist for 4 years now, after seeking to find freedom and detox from religion for a good 3/5 of my entire life. The other day I actually caught myself getting mad at "god" for, get this, NOT EXISTING. WTF? LOL. It gets better. Don't beat yourself up. We all have our little moments. Cheers. M Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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