Letter To Parents

[somanyquestions]

Dear Parents letter.rtfI posted yesterday about my recent de-conversion, and mentioned my intention to send a letter to my parents and in-laws, which most people suggested that I not do. The reason that I plan to do this is because my family is already suspicious and already harassing my husband and I (which I know is bound to get worse), and it's getting difficult to hide and to lie. Rather than end up in a situation in which I am forced to come out due to confrontation, I wanted the opportunity to lay out what I want to say with foresight and without interruption. The letter is not an effort to de-convert my family (I think that might be impossible, anyway) - I just don't like the feeling of dishonesty I'm currently faced with. My mother-in-law constantly calls and asks me to pray about things. My dad will call on a Sunday to ask if we've been to church. I just want to lay it out there.

 

I just finished editing the letter. I am attaching it for anyone who is interested in seeing what it says (it's about 3 pages.) I am not going to send it for a few days, so if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to put them in the comments. I have removed my name and my husband's name from the letter. This isn't because I don't trust you guys or something...it's more because I don't want someone who is surfing this site to be able to figure out who I am. I'm not ready to come out to the whole world yet!

 

After finishing writing this, though, I started to feel afraid. What if I'm wrong? What if I suddenly find out that Christianity is real, and I have to eat my words? Am I going to Hell because of this? It's all a little scary...

[Travi]

Dear Parents letter.rtfI posted yesterday about my recent de-conversion, and mentioned my intention to send a letter to my parents and in-laws, which most people suggested that I not do. The reason that I plan to do this is because my family is already suspicious and already harassing my husband and I (which I know is bound to get worse), and it's getting difficult to hide and to lie. Rather than end up in a situation in which I am forced to come out due to confrontation, I wanted the opportunity to lay out what I want to say with foresight and without interruption. The letter is not an effort to de-convert my family (I think that might be impossible, anyway) - I just don't like the feeling of dishonesty I'm currently faced with. My mother-in-law constantly calls and asks me to pray about things. My dad will call on a Sunday to ask if we've been to church. I just want to lay it out there.

 

I just finished editing the letter. I am attaching it for anyone who is interested in seeing what it says (it's about 3 pages.) I am not going to send it for a few days, so if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to put them in the comments. I have removed my name and my husband's name from the letter. This isn't because I don't trust you guys or something...it's more because I don't want someone who is surfing this site to be able to figure out who I am. I'm not ready to come out to the whole world yet!

 

After finishing writing this, though, I started to feel afraid. What if I'm wrong? What if I suddenly find out that Christianity is real, and I have to eat my words? Am I going to Hell because of this? It's all a little scary...

The what-ifs will be the death of you if you let them. Hell is a fictional place created by a vile "god". Just remember, a god who has to create a place of eternal torment isn't very loving, and definitely not worthy of worship. That god is worse than most historical dictators that have initiated mass genocide.

 

It can be a tough chain to break, and if you don't think you are ready to do this - then don't. It can take time, days, months, even years. Best advice I can give is think about it, meditate on it, and if you have the slightest hesitation, then wait. Don't rush, as that can cause A LOT of problems. So, just take your time - enjoy the freedom and breathe first. Then, make your decision

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hi, SMQ, welcome from me, too, to this site.  Your letter is a very good sum-up of a thought-process leading to a new appreciation of reality.  it is exhilarating to read.

 

I can't say how well tailored it is to your individual parents.  But since you've invited reactions, here are a couple of mine:

 

1. do you want to say in the beginning why you're expressing your status in writing instead of discussing it at first in person?  May not be necessary - just a question I had.

 

2. do you give them enough hand-holding? You know your family, I don't, so I can't judge that.

 

 

Citsonga on here wrote a very long letter to his parents some years ago.  It outlined his reasons for deconverting.  He can probably send you a link to it if you're interested in some of the reasoning he used.

 

As a fellow former pentecostal, I appreciate your take on speaking in tongues and the other things that we used to think was direct experience of God. 

 

You are so fortunate to have your husband, so the two of you can take these steps in life together.

 

Hugs, ficino

[mymistake]

 

After finishing writing this, though, I started to feel afraid. What if I'm wrong? What if I suddenly find out that Christianity is real, and I have to eat my words? Am I going to Hell because of this? It's all a little scary...

 

That is the indoctrination talking.  It's understandable.  I was indoctrinated too.  This fear is the only

 

defense Christianity has against losing your income.  But fear can be a powerful barrier.  But when

 

you think about it if anybody in the last 2,000 years ever found objective evidence that Christianity

 

was true the Christians would be so proud of that they would be bragging about it.  And if in the last

 

2,000 years not one of the millions of Christians ever found any objective evidence then chances are

 

it will never happen.   Doesn't it seem absurd that God wants us to have a relationship with us so God

 

hides from us?  Everything about God screams "imaginary".

 

 

 

 

But about your letter - I understand what you are saying.  Your parents and in-laws are already

 

harassing you and you realize they will never stop harassing you so you might as well get the next stage

 

over and you want to do it on your terms.  I can relate.  You should expect some fallout from your letter

 

but it shouldn't be too hard to handle as long as you are prepared.  Figure out ahead of time when and 

 

how you will tell them to back off.  I wish you the best of luck.

[Burny]

The one thing that kept me from worrying too much about Hell, was the honest question, "which Hell, exactly, are you scared of"?

 

Remember that over the years there have been many different xtian versions of Hell and many different ways to end up there. Do you worry that wearing pants will send you to Hell? What about limiting the amount of children you have? The original people of Yahweh don't even believe in Hell, and certainly don't believe in an afterlife the way most xtians do (speaking of the Jews of course). Do what free people do when they're scared of something, rather than people who are stuck in childhood superstitions - RESEARCH the evidence!

 

Once you do some basic Googling on the topic of Hell and where the modern (fundy) versions of it come from, you will clearly see that it is an invention. It isn't taught in the Bible and it's obviously no more real than Viking, Aztec or Muslim hell. If you decided to be scared of a "bad place" when you die - you'd have to spend a lifetime researching 1000's of different ideas on how to avoid it. And then you'd waste your one and only life on a question you can never answer because it's a belief based on ignorance and fear rather than evidence and rational thought.

 

You are busy sacrificing for your FREEDOM. Remember to KEEP IT. Good luck!!

[TrueFreedom]

I agree with ficino's suggestions.  I also would not personally present anything to debunk their beliefs unless asked or challenged, but I don't blame people for wanting to present specific information which lead to their deconversions.

[midniterider]

Dear Parents letter.rtfI posted yesterday about my recent de-conversion, and mentioned my intention to send a letter to my parents and in-laws, which most people suggested that I not do. The reason that I plan to do this is because my family is already suspicious and already harassing my husband and I (which I know is bound to get worse), and it's getting difficult to hide and to lie. Rather than end up in a situation in which I am forced to come out due to confrontation, I wanted the opportunity to lay out what I want to say with foresight and without interruption. The letter is not an effort to de-convert my family (I think that might be impossible, anyway) - I just don't like the feeling of dishonesty I'm currently faced with. My mother-in-law constantly calls and asks me to pray about things. My dad will call on a Sunday to ask if we've been to church. I just want to lay it out there.

 

I just finished editing the letter. I am attaching it for anyone who is interested in seeing what it says (it's about 3 pages.) I am not going to send it for a few days, so if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to put them in the comments. I have removed my name and my husband's name from the letter. This isn't because I don't trust you guys or something...it's more because I don't want someone who is surfing this site to be able to figure out who I am. I'm not ready to come out to the whole world yet!

 

After finishing writing this, though, I started to feel afraid. What if I'm wrong? What if I suddenly find out that Christianity is real, and I have to eat my words? Am I going to Hell because of this? It's all a little scary...

 

If Jesus were real I think he would actually appear to believers and non-believers as well, especially if one of his flock was saying adios to him. I said adios to him and, like usual , he never said a thing.  He's had about 15 years to make an appearance and have a chat with me since I told him goodbye. No reply. Nothing. He's completely imaginary.

 

No God, No Jesus, No Satan, No Hell. If you pull off the mask of that Jesus who you used to pray to , you will discover it was really yourself you were praying to and getting answers from.

 

Reading your letter. Might edit this later. Off hand , I'd say stop answering your phone when these annoying people call. Let them leave a message. If they dont need a ride to the hospital then dont call them back on Sunday.

 

Good letter. Covers a lot of points they may bring up. Now if you send it then they probably wont ask you to pray for anything anymore...but of course your hands might be full with them trying to reel you back in. Watch for their stages of grief over this. Be kind, be firm and dont take any crap.  

[BlindReason]

Somanyquestions,

 

From your letter:

"I have found that there is a whole community out there of people who were born-again Christians who have been through the heart-rendering process of de-conversion."

 

Did you perhaps mean heart-rending?

 

I feel I should also point out that your husband's name appears once. If this bothers you, maybe an admin will take the attachment down and let you resubmit.

[Daffodil]

Your letter is well thought out and loving. You reiterate several times how you don't want to convert them, only inform them. I think you did a great job! Please let us know how they respond!

[Jeff]

Good luck. It will likely be a rough go for a while no matter what you write.

Especially if you are already harboring any doubts about your statements.

Take care of yourself and stick around here for help.

[christar]

Dear Parents letter.rtfI posted yesterday about my recent de-conversion, and mentioned my intention to send a letter to my parents and in-laws, which most people suggested that I not do. The reason that I plan to do this is because my family is already suspicious and already harassing my husband and I (which I know is bound to get worse), and it's getting difficult to hide and to lie. Rather than end up in a situation in which I am forced to come out due to confrontation, I wanted the opportunity to lay out what I want to say with foresight and without interruption. The letter is not an effort to de-convert my family (I think that might be impossible, anyway) - I just don't like the feeling of dishonesty I'm currently faced with. My mother-in-law constantly calls and asks me to pray about things. My dad will call on a Sunday to ask if we've been to church. I just want to lay it out there.

 

I just finished editing the letter. I am attaching it for anyone who is interested in seeing what it says (it's about 3 pages.) I am not going to send it for a few days, so if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to put them in the comments. I have removed my name and my husband's name from the letter. This isn't because I don't trust you guys or something...it's more because I don't want someone who is surfing this site to be able to figure out who I am. I'm not ready to come out to the whole world yet!

 

After finishing writing this, though, I started to feel afraid. What if I'm wrong? What if I suddenly find out that Christianity is real, and I have to eat my words? Am I going to Hell because of this? It's all a little scary...

After it's all said and done

 

What was it that they ever had?

 

A 2000 year old book

 

And a world full of want

 

And let me tell you

 

That's the only card they ever had

 

And if want is all they ever had

 

Then they will fight and kill over it

 

Until want destroys them all.

[wyson]

Will you report back and let us know how it went? I think its a good idea also not to go into details and leave it open for them ask if they are curious. Did you think about writing about the behaviours you would like to see from them? I think being a bit more assertive would help. You have pitched it right in terms of I will respect you, however the please respect me bit is a bit weak. Overall the letter feels like a self justification and that you are inviting them to dialogue. Getting into any sort of dialogue with religious people, in my experience has been an exercise in frustration. Its better to make your position known and then for the issue to be swept under the carpet as soon as possible. It isn't honesty that makes relationships possible. Its compartmentalising and ambiguity. The honesty at all costs is a Christian hangup.

I would never dream of writing a 49 page letter like Citsonga. In my old Christian circles and family, that would automatically be treated as 49 pages of delusion. 49 pages of delusion is obviously WORSE than 1 page of delusion. Them writing me a 49 page letter regarding why I should go back to Christianity would equally have been treated with contempt, because at the end of the day, what I reject, and what they accept is simple. Faith. This is the crux. The reasons for gaining or loosing faith can be complex, but at the end of the day it boils down to this single issue.

What has been successful for me is a simple defense of my position to not have faith and enforcement of my right to not have faith. It hasn't involved arguments / logic / reasoning at all. I did try this approach in the beginning, but it created negative feedback and resulted in a lot of arguments.

So my advice would be to keep it simple, and set some boundaries, spelling out expectations of their behaviour. It doesn't have to be harsh, you can simply say something like, "It would make me so happy if you just allowed me to enjoy my decision not to believe without being questioned". "I provide you with a list of titles/articles I feel explain my position fully and you may refer to these if you want to understand my reasoning further" "I would be pleased to discuss Christianity further with you if you read through these titles and fully entertain their significance without prior judgement."

Will they read these texts?  Probably not.  So the deeper reasons will remain ambiguous to them.  This will allow them to maintain THEIR faith without dialogue and for them to sweep the issue under the carpet.  This is compartmentalisation.  This is good.

For at the end of the day, to them your deconversion isn't about your faith, but THEIR faith and the questions your leaving creates for THEM. Make it easy for them to maintain their illusion. Remember that illusions are fed by misinformation / lack of information and ignorance, so refrain from giving more information than you need to communicate your position.

Also, don't say things that will make their heckles rise and make them leap to the defense of their beliefs.

So this is good:

"A lot of people suggest that you “study the Bible” when going through a crisis of faith. In truth, studying the Bible is what led myself – and many others – away from Christianity."

 

Its about what you think. Its personal.

This isn't so good:

"Truly deep and objective Bible study reveals the true character of the “God” of the Bible and reveals its foundation in mythology"

This is a universal statement that attacks whats they believe in. It is asking for a believer to leap to the Bibles defence.

You could rewrite it thus:

"Many scholars including those in respected theological schools such as Bart Ehrmann at the Princeton Theological Seminary feel that the Bible developed as a part of ancient mythology and is therefore in essence a mythological text. I am finding myself agreeing with this viewpoint rather than views presented by pastors at the Church. If you want further information, you can read Professor Ehrmann's book "Jesus was a secret Hobbit".

The second statement is substantiated, deflects and shares responsibility for the "wrong" perspective with "authority", gives them a possible avenue for further investigation and most importantly it doesn't directly attack what they think and believe (like, they don't know how to truly and deeply read the Bible?!)

Anyway, good luck!

[HolyGoat]

I really feel for you, Somanyquestions. My in-laws are very devout christians as well, and I have a LOT of anxiety about them finding out. I wish you the best of luck and would LOVE to hear how it goes. Brace yourself for some kickback (as I am sure you know) and keep us all up to speed!

 

We're here for you!

[★ Citsonga ★]

Dear Parents letter.rtfI posted yesterday about my recent de-conversion, and mentioned my intention to send a letter to my parents and in-laws, which most people suggested that I not do. The reason that I plan to do this is because my family is already suspicious and already harassing my husband and I (which I know is bound to get worse), and it's getting difficult to hide and to lie. Rather than end up in a situation in which I am forced to come out due to confrontation, I wanted the opportunity to lay out what I want to say with foresight and without interruption. The letter is not an effort to de-convert my family (I think that might be impossible, anyway) - I just don't like the feeling of dishonesty I'm currently faced with. My mother-in-law constantly calls and asks me to pray about things. My dad will call on a Sunday to ask if we've been to church. I just want to lay it out there.

 

I just finished editing the letter. I am attaching it for anyone who is interested in seeing what it says (it's about 3 pages.) I am not going to send it for a few days, so if anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to put them in the comments. I have removed my name and my husband's name from the letter. This isn't because I don't trust you guys or something...it's more because I don't want someone who is surfing this site to be able to figure out who I am. I'm not ready to come out to the whole world yet!

 

After finishing writing this, though, I started to feel afraid. What if I'm wrong? What if I suddenly find out that Christianity is real, and I have to eat my words? Am I going to Hell because of this? It's all a little scary...

 

Good luck with dealing with your parents. I know it can be frustrating. I also understand your worry about finding out you're wrong about the religion; I had the same concerns early on in my deconversion. As you learn more and more, though, that will fade.

 

I would never dream of writing a 49 page letter like Citsonga. In my old Christian circles and family, that would automatically be treated as 49 pages of delusion. 49 pages of delusion is obviously WORSE than 1 page of delusion. Them writing me a 49 page letter regarding why I should go back to Christianity would equally have been treated with contempt, because at the end of the day, what I reject, and what they accept is simple. Faith. This is the crux. The reasons for gaining or loosing faith can be complex, but at the end of the day it boils down to this single issue.

 

Yeah, everyone needs to approach it in the way that works best for them in their own situations. In my circumstances, being very detailed was necessary and it served its purpose, but I can certainly see how it could create problems in some other circumstances. There's no one-size-fits-all with this issue.

[wyson]

 

 

I would never dream of writing a 49 page letter like Citsonga. In my old Christian circles and family, that would automatically be treated as 49 pages of delusion. 49 pages of delusion is obviously WORSE than 1 page of delusion. Them writing me a 49 page letter regarding why I should go back to Christianity would equally have been treated with contempt, because at the end of the day, what I reject, and what they accept is simple. Faith. This is the crux. The reasons for gaining or loosing faith can be complex, but at the end of the day it boils down to this single issue.

 

Yeah, everyone needs to approach it in the way that works best for them in their own situations. In my circumstances, being very detailed was necessary and it served its purpose, but I can certainly see how it could create problems in some other circumstances. There's no one-size-fits-all with this issue.

 

 

Totally agreed.  If my mom were a truth seeking Christian, a detailed letter would have made complete sense.  As she is a truth denying, faith affirming Christian, a letter citing reason and logic would have been binned after a couple of paragraphs.

[somanyquestions]

 

Also, don't say things that will make their heckles rise and make them leap to the defense of their beliefs.

 

So this is good:

 

"A lot of people suggest that you “study the Bible” when going through a crisis of faith. In truth, studying the Bible is what led myself – and many others – away from Christianity."

 

Its about what you think. Its personal.

 

This isn't so good:

 

"Truly deep and objective Bible study reveals the true character of the “God” of the Bible and reveals its foundation in mythology"

 

This is a universal statement that attacks whats they believe in. It is asking for a believer to leap to the Bibles defence.

 

You could rewrite it thus:

"Many scholars including those in respected theological schools such as Bart Ehrmann at the Princeton Theological Seminary feel that the Bible developed as a part of ancient mythology and is therefore in essence a mythological text. I am finding myself agreeing with this viewpoint rather than views presented by pastors at the Church. If you want further information, you can read Professor Ehrmann's book "Jesus was a secret Hobbit".

 

The second statement is substantiated, deflects and shares responsibility for the "wrong" perspective with "authority", gives them a possible avenue for further investigation and most importantly it doesn't directly attack what they think and believe (like, they don't know how to truly and deeply read the Bible?!)

 

Anyway, good luck!

I want to say thank you to everyone who has responded. It is great to know that I have a community of supporters! Wyson, thank you for your suggestions on how to alter some of my wording so that the letter doesn't sound so much like an attack on their beliefs. I will also be fixing some other things that you guys have pointed out. 

 

The reason I am doing a letter rather than a face-to-face discussion is because  (1) my parents live in another state and face-to-face wound be impossible; it'd have to be over the phone and (2) although my in-laws are close by, a face-to-face conversation would likely result in an uncomfortable confrontation. I am pretty quick on my feet, but my husband has trouble thinking of responses in the moment and needs time to process thoughts before he responds to things. If we had a conversation with parents, it would likely devolve into arguing, and I'd be by myself in the conversation because my husband would likely have difficulty thinking of what to say on the spot. While I am pretty diplomatic and could likely handle a confrontational situation without destroying relationships, I frankly don't want to put myself in that position. I'd rather write something because it allows me to get all of my thoughts out at once without interruption and allows me to edit what I say before I send the letter. I agree that too much logical argument in the letter is likely to be rejected - however, I want to include some because I need it to be clear that this was a logical decision, not one made out of pure emotion or "being hurt." My brother-in-law became an atheist years ago. Although the decision has since been backed up by logic and reason, originally his break with Christianity resulted from some traumatic experiences. My in-laws chalk his decision up to this and constantly pray for him and talk to him about coming back, deluded into thinking that they will change his mind (sadly, I must admit...I used to fervently pray for him to come back, too.) My husband and I talked to him about what it was like to come out to his parents (aka also my husband's parents and my in-laws), and he suggested to us that we be honest and direct. He knows the situation best - he's been through it and he has the same parents! We are going to visit him this weekend and I'm bringing the letter with me so that I can get his feedback in addition to the feedback I've gotten on here. In addition, there is one family member that I think could actually benefit from the logical side of it...my mom. She has made some comments here and there that make me think that if she looked into it fully, she would likely de-convert as well. My dad, when I was much younger, was not a Christian and made a lot of comments that make me think that he used to be very open to the kinds of things I've been reading, but after his conversion he has been...well, very closed minded and severely religious. I think if my mom starts to look into things, though, he might as well. I sincerely believe, though, that my in-laws may be a hopeless case.

 

There has been a small snag in my letter plan...my mother-in-law called last week to inform us that she will be going in for heart surgery this week or next week. It is a relatively minor procedure, but she is supposed to stay away from stress until after her surgery. I definitely don't want to say anything to her about this stuff until she is recovered from the surgery - I am literally afraid that this could give her a heart attack. We had planned to "come out" pretty soon, probably soon after our trip to see my brother-in-law, but now we need to wait until my mother-in-law is sufficiently recovered so that a shock like this will not affect her heart. 

 

I will definitely keep you guys posted on how it goes!