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Jesus Resume


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Found this somewhere, read it:

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.raptureready.com/soap/resume.html

 

Address: Ephesians 1:20

Phone: Romans 10:13

Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus

 

 

Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my resume' because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume'.

 

Qualifications

 

* I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19)

* I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7)

* I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7)

* I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)

* The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14)

 

 

Occupational Background

 

* I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).

* I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.

* My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-17)

 

 

Skills Work Experiences

 

* Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:1.

* I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).

* Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See I John 1:7-9)

 

 

Educational Background

 

* I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).

* In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).

* My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a lamp unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).

* I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).

 

Major Accomplishments

 

* I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).

* I laid down my life so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15).

* I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).

* I've miraculously fed the poor, healed the sick and raised the dead!

* There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot - the BIBLE. You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.

 

 

References

 

* Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance

 

 

In Summation

Now that you've read my resume', I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital! position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6), and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15).

 

Send this resume' to everyone you know, you never know who may have an opening! Thanks for your help and may God! bless you!

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Hello. My name is Jesus -The Christ. Many call me Lord! I've sent you my resume' because I'm seeking the top management position in your heart.

 

He forgot to tell about his expectations concerning salary a benefits. How many $$$ each month, and does he need a retirement plan or a free car??

 

I don't think I can afford it.

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Hello. My name is Jesus -The Kryasst. Many call me Lard! I've sent you my resume' because I'm seeking the top management position in your farts. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume'.

 

Qualifications

 

* I founded the flat earth and established the Sky Kingdom, (See Proverbs 3:19, Genesis 1:7)

* I formed man from the dust of the ground as a cool little doll, (See Genesis 2:7)

* I breathed into man the breath of life via my Holy Spook who is also somehow magically Me, (See Genesis 2:7)

* I Croaked in the Spook and Magically Undeadened Myself to redeem man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13)

* I kicked the Talking Snake's ass!

 

 

Occupational Background

 

* I've only had one employer. I work for the Holy Farter. (See Luke 2:49).

* I have been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful and disrespectful. But it's okay because I'm Perfect anyway because I say so because I'm GAWD!

* My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me. If he didn't, I would toss him into a flaming torture chamber.

 

 

Skills Work Experiences

 

* Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poorer via televangelists, disappointing the brokenhearted, enslaving believers, ignoring the sick, and so on (See Luke 4:1.

* I am a Crappy Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me are sheep, (See John 10).

* Most importantly, I have the authority, ability and power to magically cleanse you of the shit you do that pisses Me off. (See I John 1:7-9)

 

 

Educational Background

 

* I know everything because I am GAWD! (See Proverbs 2:6).

* In me are hid all of the treasures of bullshit.

* My Word is so powerful it can kick the Talking Snake's ass!

* I can even tell you all of the secrets of your farts.

 

Major Accomplishments

 

* I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times. I met with two other parts of Myself. (See Genesis 1:26).

* I Croaked in the Spook so that you may live, (See II Corinthians 5:15).

* I defeated the Talking Snake and his evil spooks! (See Colossians 2:15).

* I've miraculously fed the poor, cast evil spooks out of the sick and magically undeadened folks!

* There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www.bible-bullshitinside.com. You don't need an Internet connection or computer to access my website. Glory!

 

 

References

 

* Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance. Followers of other religions will do the same for their gods, but their gods are false. I'm the REAL DEAL! Glory!

 

 

In Summation

Now that you've read my resume', I'm confident that I'm the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital! position in your farts. In summation, I will improperly direct your paths, and lead you into second magical eternal life after this one is over, (See John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15). Wait too long, and I'll fry your hide!

 

Send this resume' to everyone you know, you never know who may have an opening! Thanks for your help and may Gawd bless you!

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Occupational Background

 

* I've only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).

* I've never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.

* My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-17)

 

Send this resume' to everyone you know, you never know who may have an opening! Thanks for your help and may God! bless you!

 

Interviewer's Question:

 

So why exactly are you unemployed? Was your job eliminated? :loser:

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Skills Work Experiences

 

* Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:1.

 

>Self edited for content not being within the Guidelines of self restraint and Mission of ExC<

 

Kiss my fuckin' fatass to the whomever penned this lightweight POS garbage..

 

k, cant-say_why_at_moment, but_pissed_as_fuck, L

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