knowmad Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Do people have faith in gawds because they have no faith in themselves? Been thinking about this lately because I have realised since deconverting that I doubt my own abilities. I remember the day I converted 20 years ago, I was suicidal and living in a plastic and wood shack I built in the bush away from society, thinking that life was absolutely hopeless. Then I met a xain and I allowed the belief of a gawd to give me hope and purpose. It's comforting to know that there is a higher power there willing to help and everytime something miraculous happens it reaffirms the belief in that gawd. I can see why so many people choose to live this way. Yet 20 years later gawd never gave me those things he promised, especially a fucking sound mind. Now I'm learning about how to have faith in myself which wil be hard for me because I see no value in myself as yet but I'll keep looking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Skankboy Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Now I'm learning about how to have faith in myself which wil be hard for me because I see no value in myself as yet but I'll keep looking. I think you have a good point there Knowmad. I think alot of religous people are religious because they feel powerless against the idea of an impersonal universe. Having someone "at the wheel" gives you a saftey cushion and the potential to be part of something "more than yourself". Every person has value Knowmad. Everyone has a wealth of unique perspectives and experiences that have never existed before or since. That's why everything we do affects everyone else. Even if you can't percieve this influence, it's certainly there. You're on the right track though. You need to be able to see your own self-worth (a tough job after christianity, believe me) to be content in this world. Try to identify what you consider your positive attributes. Look for opportunities to use and build upon these. Try not to dwell on the past. It's there, you can't change it, so accept it and use it to guide your future actions. Harder than it sounds I know, but if this is the only life we get, I think it's worth the effort... IMOHO, Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Open_Minded Posted February 9, 2006 Share Posted February 9, 2006 Now I'm learning about how to have faith in myself which wil be hard for me because I see no value in myself as yet but I'll keep looking. I think you have a good point there Knowmad. I think alot of religous people are religious because they feel powerless against the idea of an impersonal universe. Having someone "at the wheel" gives you a saftey cushion and the potential to be part of something "more than yourself". Every person has value Knowmad. Everyone has a wealth of unique perspectives and experiences that have never existed before or since. That's why everything we do affects everyone else. Even if you can't percieve this influence, it's certainly there.... Wow ... Skankboy ... wonderfully said Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knowmad Posted February 10, 2006 Author Share Posted February 10, 2006 Totally see your point skank boy. It seems that when I think about things I look at them with me completely out of the picture or that I cannot see that I do or can have a positive influence on others. Shit , for the first 10 years of xianity I believed that I was the only one that gawd didn't love. Massive negative mindset to overcome but I'll get there piece by piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 It is very hard at first when you walk away from christianity to see anything good about youself, (from experience) because we are taught that we are no good, unworthy, without god. Once we have walked away from the biblegod, all that seems to come back and haunt us. Like some had mentioned before, everyone has good qualities, sometimes it is harder to see when you have been blinded for so long thinking they were god's qualities. Christianity works against building self esteem, instead builds up the biblegod. All your faith ends up going no where. It does take work to have faith in yourself, especially after christianity. It can be a slow process, patience with yourself is a plus You will get there! At least you are trying to see the good in youself and have faith in yourself, that is a wonderful start. I wish you the best! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lycorth Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 That is so true, knowmad. So many people place all their hopes in Xianity because they have no hope in themselves. They can't do a thing right, are "weak" and "sinful", and they buy into the "I'm a steaming dog turd without Jesus" line. They go whole-hog and spend their lives with their souls sold to a nonexistent sugar daddy, never realizing it doesn't do a bit to help their self-esteem. Or else, they give you some crap like "I have good self-esteem because I belong to Jesus Christ!" Meanwhile, they rant and rave about how screwed-up of a sinner they are, yet heaven forbid you call it as you see it and say they have self-image issues and their religion is only making it worse. Jesus is their only hope for a decent life after this one is up, after all. It was very frustrating for me to deal with hardcore Xians, like my ex. She was always like that, thinking she shit marbles because she was "faithful" and not an eeevil skeptic, but the first one to behave beyond insecurely, even bashing herself at times for not being "good enough". I've heard a lot of people like that, and it sickens me every time. It's bad enough to think that you're nothing without a certain real-world person; it's worse when you think you're nothing without an imaginary friend. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All Gods Fail Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 knowmad, remember that stupid 'Footsteps' story, about how God walks with someone down a beach, and the person looks back and notices there was only 1 set of footprints sometimes? And god says "That was when I carried you"? I got news for you - those were the times you walked by yourself, on your own 2 feet. God didn't get you through the tough times. You did. Give yourself the credit you're due. If you've come this far (and I assume you're no longer living in the brush somewhere), you came under your own power. And you can go farther still - anywhere you want to. That doesn't sound like a worthless person to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amanda Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 All God Fails... that was a wonderful post! So true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angel Posted February 10, 2006 Share Posted February 10, 2006 knowmad, remember that stupid 'Footsteps' story, about how God walks with someone down a beach, and the person looks back and notices there was only 1 set of footprints sometimes? And god says "That was when I carried you"? I got news for you - those were the times you walked by yourself, on your own 2 feet. God didn't get you through the tough times. You did. Give yourself the credit you're due. If you've come this far (and I assume you're no longer living in the brush somewhere), you came under your own power. And you can go farther still - anywhere you want to. That doesn't sound like a worthless person to me. VERY well said!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
knowmad Posted February 11, 2006 Author Share Posted February 11, 2006 As I was reading the posts I saw that I acknowledge the positive things people say about me here and throughtout my life, I agree with them and it makes me feel better but then I noticed that is not what I believe baout myself. That deep knowing that has I have programmed into my psyche, never saw that before. It would seem that I have detached myself from myself for preservation sake I figure, too much pain to address I suppose. At CF.com I started a thread in the questions to believers section,titled "Does god take holidays?" In it I was looking for answers as to why god, who has in the past never left me or forsaken me all of a suddn, and when I needed him the most, dissappeared. They came up with all sorts of answers to which I could logicaly never agree with. Most of them became frustrated at my refusal, but my arguments were sound. LOL they were expecting me to just blindly accept that god sometimes rufuses to respond, but I argued that it is said that, "He NEVER leaves us or forsakes us" I asked this after I deconverted just to see if I was missing something, I wasn't. God just never existed inthe first place. And of course one of them mentioned the Footprints thing. Even when I was a full on jesus freak I never liked that poem, just seemed out of character fro god to behave like that seeing as we are the weak one of the relationship. Anyway, the detachment I am beginning to see most likely reached it's peak when I was 20ish. I had a massive mental and emotional breakdown for 2 weeks. I was an empty shell capable of only two things, eating and shitting. Ah the great circle of life lol. After the swirling of uncontrolable thoughts subsided in my mind I took my drawings, the only thing that was symbolic of any worth of me and I burnt them. And as I was burning them I remember that this was the last part of me to die. I wanted to remove any evidence of the old knowmad that I hated so much and start a fresh. A couple of years later I became a xian and god seemed to make sense to me about all the confusion and pain inside. 20 years later, I deconverted because he never freed me from all that, even though that was one of his promises. But during the last 10 years I have been learning how to see that i have strengths and weaknesses and Have learnt how to accept them, work on the weaknesses and develop the strengths to the best of my ability. During this time I saw that my perception of myself was becoming more and more positive and I began to actually like myself, but of course it as stil based on what others, especially what god perceived of me. I was still denying what I actually thought of myself. Self, self perception regardless of external perceptions of me was never really addressed. The last ten years have ben a journey of learning how to be self sufficient as I was never one to frantically ask for god's help. Sure I would ask for advice but I new that it was me that had to do the work. So I suppose now, in my deconverted state, the self sufficiency has stepped up another level to include being fully responsible for seeking answers to problems, especially those internal ones. I have programmed myself over the early years to never seek knowledge to fix a problem, thinking "shit this is my life, it's fucked just accept it" These last 10 years I have been learning how to seek out knowledge and apply it to fix all my problems. Only just now have I begun to see that the biggest problem is that I have a built in mindset that I am incapable of fixing anything because I am of no worth and have no abilities. Lies of course, but a lie that I have believed for so many years. So strong are these lies that even when I do acheive things I don't acknowledge them enough to build on them. So when I have'visions' of becoming a very successful author my old negative programming tells me to stop being silly, that I will amount to nothing, stop wasting my time and just be that nothing that you wer destined to be. Not anymore, this is something I am willing to fight for. I am going to reclaim the life that was taken from me from such an early age. I have to reprogram my mind in many areas and I suppose during the last 10 years that is what I have been doing with much success. Yet there is still more to do. So many tangents to unravel. One by one ey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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