Stamps1962 Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 http://www.ex-christian.net/topic/55775-time-to-let-go/#.VfLrhBFVhBe Hopefully the above link will work so I don't have to explain all over again. I could not continue with it and had to post a new thread. I had left off a couple years ago with things a bit stabilized, I saw him around the holidays in 2013 then not much at all afterward. My son really wanted to get together for breakfast with him during ther Holidays last year and I talked to him at lest three times- always some excuse. Last time I called he suggested we both come to some breakfast his church men's group was having (!) I declined and not much after that. I'd more or less decided not to try again. Two weeks ago I got a call from his brother in law. To my shock he told me that my friend's wife had died. She'd had respiratory issues for years but I had no idea it was so serious. Seems she was hospitalized and, rather than going on a ventilator as suggested she signed a release and elected to go off support- she died two hours later. It came as a shock to everyone who knew her, my friend apparently was not consulted in this, Her funeral was a week ago. I had a talk with my friend at the viewing and briefly at the funeral. I seriously think he has dementia. He got up and gave a long tribute at the funeral- his brother in law told me he had to talk him into toning it down because he had some anti Catholic references in it (the wife converted after marriage). What I found especially chilling was his affect and behavior at the service. The congregation was standing at the opening and singing ALL the verses of 'How Great Thou Art'; he was standing on the front row with his eyes closed, his arms held up and swaying back and forth. In the two encounters we had he seemed to want to try to talk to me about my soul. I managed to put him off and told him we'd get together in a couple weeks. I am terribly conflicted. I want to comfort him and be there for him. What I do not want or need is some attempt at proselytizing by a guy with possible mental issues. He will be all alone now- in a large house. His daughter lives out of state. The brother in law said some things that makes me think his family is looking to me to help him keep in reality and I don't know if I can shoulder that burden. I'd appreciate any helpful suggestions. I know he is not my responsibility but a part of me feels like he is. How can I best cope here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fweethawt Posted September 11, 2015 Share Posted September 11, 2015 I know he is not my responsibility but a part of me feels like he is. How can I best cope here? If you're really feeling this torn about it, then it's time to set yourself up with some personal boundaries and see how things play out. Decide for yourself how much you are willing to be there for this person and do not allow the situation to force you beyond that. As time progresses, you can allow yourself to back down a bit. Life sucks sometimes. You can't be everyone's savior. And if you find yourself going through hard times, you may or may not have someone be there for you. How you react in either situation depends on what you expect from yourself and others while you're experiencing these things. Either way, at least ONE of the players is going to have failed expectations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamps1962 Posted September 17, 2015 Author Share Posted September 17, 2015 Thanks for the reply. I plan to call the brother in law this weekend to see what is going on and get his assessment of my friend's emotional state before calling him. I am prepared for a long weepy rambling conversation when I do but that's ok- it is how i'd probably be as well. He and i have not been close for years now. He seems to have a network of support in his church so that's a positive at least. . It's strange- these people were very 'pro-life- and a couple decades ago when my father was in a near vegetative state and his doctors wanted to taper down life support she jumped in without even asking me and called the doctors, arguing with them. I thought then it was none of their business. I never told them so, but was annoyed. Then years later she gets sick and without asking her husband or family signs off on life support and dies three hours later. I understand she told someone she wanted to 'go be with the Lord.' In a way i can understand her not wanting to prolong her life if she was suffering, it just seems ironic. I first met her back about 1973. She was sort of a free spirit, Liberal- had worked in the McGovern campaign- and Catholic. She was transformed by dating and marrying my friend. I can't say in a positive way but there's no sense dwelling on it, it is what it is. May update on this if there is any interest, if not, it's ok, it is my journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RenaissanceWoman Posted September 19, 2015 Share Posted September 19, 2015 The guy has had a helluva couple of years. His own brush with death, and now the death of his spouse. You are correct to suspect that you may be in for more drama than you are willing and able to process. Fwee is right about boundaries: think about what you can do to help, and how you can maintain it. Don't volunteer to visit every week, for example, because you will tire of it quickly. Maybe decide to bring lunch to his house the first Tuesday of the month, and bring a nice bag of fresh fruit with you every time or something. Send a card once a month. Simple things that you can stomach and maintain. People tend to swarm around for a short bit after a death, but then fade away quickly -- just when the surviving spouse really needs the company. Mention long-term intervention with the brother-in-law; does he have any suggestions or is he willing to make any small but regular commitments? And dare I say... maybe consider contacting someone in the church's men's group to discuss real-life practical commitments from them. Maybe the men's group could meet at his house one Saturday a month or something, and bring pizza and do their little bible study there. Or get them to have a volunteer pick him up for church or go to lunch after. Heck, I don't know. Many churches have a "meals ministry" where people volunteer to bring food to a person's home after a death or after the birth of baby; you might see what they are willing to do, maybe once a month for three months or something. (Probably best not to ask for too much, but still, I would ask for something.) At least it would get someone at his house, which would be helpful. Church people sometimes need to be prodded and reminded of ways they can share the love of Jesus, just sayin'. A decent church will at least do something, even if it's only a one-time deal. Even his daughter might be willing to call him somewhat regularly if you suggest it to her. Make others aware. You could do him a huge favor by getting others to interact with him regularly (others who, I'm sorry to sound harsh, enjoy his company a little more than you do at this point... damn, sorry I can't think of a nicer way to say it). That way, you are still helping from afar, but you do not have to face the dilemmas yourself. Heck, I don't know. I'm just throwing things out there. There might also be organizations like Senior Services and maybe even hospice in his community, who provide services for guys such as him. (Sounds like he and his wife didn't need hospice, so they might not get involved after the fact, but they often have grief support groups and such open to all -- which I admit he may not be at all interested in attending.) I honestly don't know if any of those services are free, and your friend may rebuff the intrusion, but it might be worth a couple of phone calls. My point is... If dealing with him yourself is going to be too draining for you, you can still support him by finding others who can do it. Don't put it off either, or you may never get to it. Decide to make 6 phone calls in the next week, for example. Then be done. Or plan to follow up with some of those calls in say, a month. This goes along with setting boundaries, by also setting realistic goals. You seem like you want to do something. Just don't bite off more than you can chew, and do what you can from afar. That is still honoring the friendship (as it may be at this point), and easing your conscience a bit. I hope this is helpful in some small way. Sorry if it's a rambling mess and doesn't solve the problems -- but other ideas may spark something in you. You are a good person for still caring, after all the angst. You will figure out something. Peace to you, dear Stamps. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stamps1962 Posted October 6, 2015 Author Share Posted October 6, 2015 I doubt many are interested in this but I did wind up getting together with him a week ago. We went out for breakfast- something we hadn't done in a long time. He seems very different now; actually nicer to be around, we had a couple of disagreements while discussing stuff and he prefaced what he said by sort of apologizing, which I told him wasn't necessary. The old edge he had is gone- it's sort of amazing. My wife says she thinks it was his wife that was the problem. She was a convert to fundamentalism and probably was the driving force in his being so hard line. She had been an insurance underwriter for years and lost her job when Obamacare was enacted. I think they blamed 'Liberals' like me for that and sort of took it out on me. She's gone now and he seems more free to be himself. Time will tell. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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