Convoluted Escape Planning! Yay!

[dichotomy]

 

I should really know when to stop talking. I apologize.

No no, we're here trying to help you stay safe now and in the long run, so the questions we ask aren't to judge you, it's so we can help you better. It's hard to think straight when living with someone abusive, though of course you're the one who knows your situation better than any of us.

 

That sounds very good that you have a friend to help you. I was terrified about renting the apartment so my friend actually phoned the landlord pretending to be me, and set things going.

 

So your mom has many friends, I get that, but what can they really do? I have had my mom phone around the little town we lived in for "advice" when she thought I was going astray in my teens, and then told me about everyone she'd called and what they said, to make me feel bad. It surely didn't help my social phobias. Well, when I moved out, I left the little town. In bigger towns I had a clean slate, as the original social circles were tiny.

 

I only had to make sure I could afford it somehow, because of course the raging of my mom included stuff like "you'll return home crying", and it would have been horrible if she'd been right.

 

 

I agree with yunea in every way here. People aren't questioning you in "challenging" or judgemental regards, merely to clarify and understand better so as to be able to support and advise more appropriately.

 

We all write and say things in an emotional blur at times and sometimes things don't get out properly as a result, so it's fine to say "I think I was being a bit OTT there" or "I'm beginning to realise that this might not be a good idea." or indeed "I haven't explained what the issue with my mom's behaviour is properly let me expand" No one will think less of you for that.

 

I am starting to wonder if you're giving/allowing your mom too much power over you though. Not in a conscious intentional way, just in your mind. You sound very fearful of what she may say and do, what she may get others to do. But the reality is that there is very little she can do. Even if she does have lots of friends and people in the community that she spreads her lies and unfounded "concerns" about you too, that doesn't actually have any true or real impact on you, your decisions, your life. She can only prevent you from doing stuff if you allow her. Even if it feels like she has that control and authority or influence over you, she doesn't. If you are free to walk out of that house then you are free to do as you wish. It will take planning, and consideration for you finances and future, there are better ways to leave and there are worse ways to leave, but you can, and most likely will, leave, and your mum will have to decide for herself how she wants to react to that. If she's emotionally volatile and abusive and tries to make things hard for you, it'll be difficult but you'll be able to get through it with a few friends for support and strength of mind.

[RenaissanceWoman]

...

I still have a feeling I'll be kicked out of the family even if I am honest. :/

 

This may be the best thing that ever happens to you.

 

I had to cut contact from my manipulative and abusive mother when I was 19, and did not have contact for 16 years. After a few years of very limited contact, she is now cut off again, going on 15 months and probably forever. The freedom, I assure you, is worth whatever drama or broken family ties you are imagining.

 

My situation was a little different, because I graduated college at 19 (yeah, I'm one of those overachiever types) and got married and moved 600 miles away at age 20. My mother missed my college graduation, my wedding, my divorce, my second wedding 8 years later, my graduate school graduation, the building of my new house, the birth of my child, my career ups and downs, my travels around the world, everything. She heard about stuff from my sister who still lives near her and has contact, and I admit I got a little twisted satisfaction in knowing that my mother was probably crying to her friends, many siblings, and church about missing it all. (20 years later my sister is figuring her out finally, and slowly severing ties too.)

 

Moving away, no one knows about my mother's nonsense unless I tell them. I am me, a new person, a good person; they only see me for who I am now. Of course, with friends, eventually the innocent question comes up about where my parents live, are they still alive, stuff like that. Then I usually give enough info to make it clear there is no contact, and people almost always want to know more. It's funny because as horrified as they are and as unbelievable as my story can be, they always have compassion for me and respect me more for what I went through and who I am now. You can get there too. Trust me, you don't need her.

 

I admit I initiated contact with her after all those years when I was in the depths of post partum depression. My dad is a misogynist and had no sympathy for me (he was a "snap out of it" type), and he knew my husband was a good man, so he didn't feel in any way compelled to give me any comfort or emotional support. (He's afraid of emotional stuff, jerk.) Even my sister was a little clueless (with three kids of her own, she had never experienced any trouble.) I got desperate and called my mother (after 16 years!) because I just hoped that she "had to" still love me and tell me nice things. (I'm telling you, I was out of my mind.) She and my sister made the long drive to visit me for a couple days, and that did help a lot. I maintained verrrrrry arms-length contact with my mom, only talking to her every 3 or 4 months or so, occasionally sending her photos of my child, stuff like that. She behaved herself. I was in control, and she knew any slip-up would cut her off again. It was a powerful place for me to be.

 

Fast forward about 9 years (last summer), and my little brother (well, not little, he was 41) got cancer. My brother had cut contact with her for 23 years when my parents divorced, and my dad still hates hates hates her, so she was never going to know what was going on. My sister and I felt a little responsibility to at least inform her, but my sister did not want to betray my dad and brother. I said fuck it, I'll do it. So I filled her in, in the beginning. Then she called the hospital to check on him (like 5 minutes after I had just filled her in very completely), and the innocent nurse asked my brother (who happened to be walking past with my dad on an exercise walk) if he wanted to talk to her. (Trust me, mother did it just so she could tell people oh poor me -- I had to call the hospital to find out because he still won't talk to me, oh boo hoo hoo.) My dad was convinced I was the one who had called her (because he and I had just had a little spat at the hospital -- he's a button-pushing mean-spirited guy). So here I am, 300 miles away from my home, family, work, and life for three weeks by then, exhausted and freaking out about my beloved brother, and now my dad is pissed at me too. It was awful. My mother knew exactly what she was doing. Psycho bitch. My sister got pissed and called her to chew her out for putting me in that position. I know my mother was milking that drama with her friends and family too. So that was the last she heard from me, and it's been 15 months. She knows I'm done with her now. And when I was asked to write my brother's obituary several months later (and it was approved by my dad and sister), I did not include her name. Wow -- that's harsh.

 

You mentioned that you are worried about her friends and the people around town. Forget them. They have no power over you. None. Eventually (this was instant for some but took 20 years for some), my mother's friends and family members fell away from her; they figured her out. They did not bother me. (Well, I worried for several years about what they were thinking and saying about me, but eventually I realized that was a waste of my time and energy; who cares about those people if they take her pathetic side?) There was only one... At the end of my last college year, I did get one nasty letter from a long-lost cousin I hadn't seen in literally 15 years (I was 19 at the time), who had bought mother's story. My sister got pissed and called her and set her straight. I never heard from anyone else. You are a legal adult. Unless you are threatening them in any way, there is nothing they can do. Stay away from them. Give them no info or ammunition against you. There is nothing they can do to you. Nothing.

 

And you don't want them in your life anyway. Why? Because they've known you since you were a baby? So what? They know you and still take your mom's side? Screw them. There is nothing there for you. Stay away. Make new friends, even if it's just one close friend and a handful of decent regular acquaintances. You get to choose who is in your life. You get to choose. YOU get to choose.

 

I am not going to lie... There were many times I wished I had a mom to confide in, to seek advice, to share my joys and sorrows. Even to this day I get jealous of others whose moms support them, give them all kinds of free babysitting, share in their joys and struggles, and talk to them every day. (Once my friends realize this bothers me, they tone down their mentions of their great mother relationships out of respect for my angst and regret.) But I can assure you that it is possible to push through life without your mom at your side. It was often a lonely feeling, but I knew it was for the best for me. I cried sometimes, and I sought counseling for a while. I became my own woman, maybe the hard way, but I did it. You can do it too.

 

I realize that times are different now, and your living situation is different. Things could suck for you for a while until you get on your feet. But I'm telling you that you don't really need those family members as much as you currently think you do.

 

Some of your life dreams and plans (education, etc.) may have to be put on hold for a bit, but you can still get there if you work at it and want it bad enough. Yeah, it's gonna suck and you're gonna be sad and jealous of others who have it easier. You're gonna wish your mom was normal and supportive. I'm sorry to say, that's not going to happen; she is not going to become "normal" toward you, at least not for a good long while. You're gonna take longer to get where you want to be.

 

Some kids are born with wealthy parents, so going to any fancy college is no problem. Some have great parents who aren't wealthy but support them as best they can to get through a state school or help them with a down payment on their first house or whatever. Some of us have shitty parents. I can easily work myself into a crying jealous fit if I think about this, how unfair it is. It's just life. It's not fair. But I refuse to be a victim of my circumstances. I have to make the choice to rise above it, to work extra hard to get where I want to be. However, I do believe that in many ways I am a better, more compassionate person for having done things the hard way. And my friends see this is and respect this and love me for this.

 

I still have angst and issues, and I'm messed up in some ways. You probably will too. But I know I have the power to make choices, to avoid people who hurt me, to work on my issues if I choose to, and to push forward with the positive aspects of my life. The only other option seems to be to shrivel up in my victimhood and never get anywhere. I choose not to do that.

 

You have choices to make. Keep working, and you'll get there. Trial by fire perhaps, but you'll get there. If your family abandons you, it's their loss. You can become who you want to be, and share it with whomever you choose. YOU choose.

 

Good luck, my dear. I'm sorry for your situation, I really am. Be strong. You can do it.

 

Peace to you.

[Daffodil]

Sorry about how my question came off. Not attacking or being sarcastic, just trying to understand, as others said. Of course it's easy for me to say, "You're an adult! Don't be intimidated!" But I don't walk in your shoes. I just want so much to see you succeed and get away from her and that aweful situation. Good luck!

[older]

LadyN:

 

After reading what you've written in both threads I can tell you are a smart and strong woman. You will get through this. I hope today is a good one for you.

[LadyNightingale]

Sorry about how my question came off. Not attacking or being sarcastic, just trying to understand, as others said. Of course it's easy for me to say, "You're an adult! Don't be intimidated!" But I don't walk in your shoes. I just want so much to see you succeed and get away from her and that aweful situation. Good luck!

No, no. Really you didn't, I was just having a particularly bad day. A WTF kind of day. I just should've taken a breather before trying to talk about it. I can see why you asked.

 

The thing is I got some advice to just go along with everything to keep the peace so nothing bad happens. In this case at minimum, I would put my name as a possible candidate and put off the other stuff.

 

At the very worst, I would write the essays but either accidentally delete them, put so many spelling errors and grammar mistakes it would slow things down, just write in the essay that I actually don't want to go and that it's a waste of my time and their's to read my file(that's actually worked for somebody), or submit them but call later and say I changed my mind.

 

 

I should really know when to stop talking. I apologize.

No no, we're here trying to help you stay safe now and in the long run, so the questions we ask aren't to judge you, it's so we can help you better. It's hard to think straight when living with someone abusive, though of course you're the one who knows your situation better than any of us.

That sounds very good that you have a friend to help you. I was terrified about renting the apartment so my friend actually phoned the landlord pretending to be me, and set things going.

So your mom has many friends, I get that, but what can they really do? I have had my mom phone around the little town we lived in for "advice" when she thought I was going astray in my teens, and then told me about everyone she'd called and what they said, to make me feel bad. It surely didn't help my social phobias. Well, when I moved out, I left the little town. In bigger towns I had a clean slate, as the original social circles were tiny.

I only had to make sure I could afford it somehow, because of course the raging of my mom included stuff like "you'll return home crying", and it would have been horrible if she'd been right.

I know. That wasn't appropriate of me. Part of it is probably just misinterpreting and I was already pretty defensive yesterday but, that's on me I was acting inappropriately. I apologize for that.

 

Well the thing is my mom is very rich and so are her friends. I have learned never to piss off the rich. I still have a fear in the back of my mind that she might sue me or say claim in a court of law I'm mentally incompetent.

 

Oh yunea, I can totally relate to parents telling people who aren't involved. I swear asking for prayers in code for gossip. I don't necessarily care about someone I don't know or interact with on a regular basis but, people I do, I definitely care if she pulls them in.

Yeah, getting out is going to take quite a bit of money, I want to stay only as long as I have to. I don't want to be near them for a long time and I can't risk having to go back. It would be horrible, I'd never hear the end of it.

 

 

 

 

I should really know when to stop talking. I apologize.

 

No no, we're here trying to help you stay safe now and in the long run, so the questions we ask aren't to judge you, it's so we can help you better. It's hard to think straight when living with someone abusive, though of course you're the one who knows your situation better than any of us.

That sounds very good that you have a friend to help you. I was terrified about renting the apartment so my friend actually phoned the landlord pretending to be me, and set things going.

So your mom has many friends, I get that, but what can they really do? I have had my mom phone around the little town we lived in for "advice" when she thought I was going astray in my teens, and then told me about everyone she'd called and what they said, to make me feel bad. It surely didn't help my social phobias. Well, when I moved out, I left the little town. In bigger towns I had a clean slate, as the original social circles were tiny.

I only had to make sure I could afford it somehow, because of course the raging of my mom included stuff like "you'll return home crying", and it would have been horrible if she'd been right.

 

I agree with yunea in every way here. People aren't questioning you in "challenging" or judgemental regards, merely to clarify and understand better so as to be able to support and advise more appropriately.

 

We all write and say things in an emotional blur at times and sometimes things don't get out properly as a result, so it's fine to say "I think I was being a bit OTT there" or "I'm beginning to realise that this might not be a good idea." or indeed "I haven't explained what the issue with my mom's behaviour is properly let me expand" No one will think less of you for that.

 

I am starting to wonder if you're giving/allowing your mom too much power over you though. Not in a conscious intentional way, just in your mind. You sound very fearful of what she may say and do, what she may get others to do. But the reality is that there is very little she can do. Even if she does have lots of friends and people in the community that she spreads her lies and unfounded "concerns" about you too, that doesn't actually have any true or real impact on you, your decisions, your life. She can only prevent you from doing stuff if you allow her. Even if it feels like she has that control and authority or influence over you, she doesn't. If you are free to walk out of that house then you are free to do as you wish. It will take planning, and consideration for you finances and future, there are better ways to leave and there are worse ways to leave, but you can, and most likely will, leave, and your mum will have to decide for herself how she wants to react to that. If she's emotionally volatile and abusive and tries to make things hard for you, it'll be difficult but you'll be able to get through it with a few friends for support and strength of mind.

I admit I might be. I'll try not to bend to too many requests relating to religion. I'm not bring up the residential program even in a tangential way. If she is nagging me about it I'll hold off as long as I can. The thing is, I need to comply more because she realize something is up. I can't have her ruining the plans I've already made. But, you are right. I need to not give her more control than necessary. And it does seem like lately I've been more on edge, perhaps I need to reexamine a few things.

 

 

Other posts will be responded to in next post of mine. I need to move to a computer.

[LadyNightingale]

Continued from previous

 

 

 

...
I still have a feeling I'll be kicked out of the family even if I am honest. :/

 

This may be the best thing that ever happens to you.

 

I had to cut contact from my manipulative and abusive mother when I was 19, and did not have contact for 16 years. After a few years of very limited contact, she is now cut off again, going on 15 months and probably forever. The freedom, I assure you, is worth whatever drama or broken family ties you are imagining.

 

My situation was a little different, because I graduated college at 19 (yeah, I'm one of those overachiever types) and got married and moved 600 miles away at age 20. My mother missed my college graduation, my wedding, my divorce, my second wedding 8 years later, my graduate school graduation, the building of my new house, the birth of my child, my career ups and downs, my travels around the world, everything. She heard about stuff from my sister who still lives near her and has contact, and I admit I got a little twisted satisfaction in knowing that my mother was probably crying to her friends, many siblings, and church about missing it all. (20 years later my sister is figuring her out finally, and slowly severing ties too.)

 

Moving away, no one knows about my mother's nonsense unless I tell them. I am me, a new person, a good person; they only see me for who I am now. Of course, with friends, eventually the innocent question comes up about where my parents live, are they still alive, stuff like that. Then I usually give enough info to make it clear there is no contact, and people almost always want to know more. It's funny because as horrified as they are and as unbelievable as my story can be, they always have compassion for me and respect me more for what I went through and who I am now. You can get there too. Trust me, you don't need her.

 

I admit I initiated contact with her after all those years when I was in the depths of post partum depression. My dad is a misogynist and had no sympathy for me (he was a "snap out of it" type), and he knew my husband was a good man, so he didn't feel in any way compelled to give me any comfort or emotional support. (He's afraid of emotional stuff, jerk.) Even my sister was a little clueless (with three kids of her own, she had never experienced any trouble.) I got desperate and called my mother (after 16 years!) because I just hoped that she "had to" still love me and tell me nice things. (I'm telling you, I was out of my mind.) She and my sister made the long drive to visit me for a couple days, and that did help a lot. I maintained verrrrrry arms-length contact with my mom, only talking to her every 3 or 4 months or so, occasionally sending her photos of my child, stuff like that. She behaved herself. I was in control, and she knew any slip-up would cut her off again. It was a powerful place for me to be.

 

Fast forward about 9 years (last summer), and my little brother (well, not little, he was 41) got cancer. My brother had cut contact with her for 23 years when my parents divorced, and my dad still hates hates hates her, so she was never going to know what was going on. My sister and I felt a little responsibility to at least inform her, but my sister did not want to betray my dad and brother. I said fuck it, I'll do it. So I filled her in, in the beginning. Then she called the hospital to check on him (like 5 minutes after I had just filled her in very completely), and the innocent nurse asked my brother (who happened to be walking past with my dad on an exercise walk) if he wanted to talk to her. (Trust me, mother did it just so she could tell people oh poor me -- I had to call the hospital to find out because he still won't talk to me, oh boo hoo hoo.) My dad was convinced I was the one who had called her (because he and I had just had a little spat at the hospital -- he's a button-pushing mean-spirited guy). So here I am, 300 miles away from my home, family, work, and life for three weeks by then, exhausted and freaking out about my beloved brother, and now my dad is pissed at me too. It was awful. My mother knew exactly what she was doing. Psycho bitch. My sister got pissed and called her to chew her out for putting me in that position. I know my mother was milking that drama with her friends and family too. So that was the last she heard from me, and it's been 15 months. She knows I'm done with her now. And when I was asked to write my brother's obituary several months later (and it was approved by my dad and sister), I did not include her name. Wow -- that's harsh.

 

You mentioned that you are worried about her friends and the people around town. Forget them. They have no power over you. None. Eventually (this was instant for some but took 20 years for some), my mother's friends and family members fell away from her; they figured her out. They did not bother me. (Well, I worried for several years about what they were thinking and saying about me, but eventually I realized that was a waste of my time and energy; who cares about those people if they take her pathetic side?) There was only one... At the end of my last college year, I did get one nasty letter from a long-lost cousin I hadn't seen in literally 15 years (I was 19 at the time), who had bought mother's story. My sister got pissed and called her and set her straight. I never heard from anyone else. You are a legal adult. Unless you are threatening them in any way, there is nothing they can do. Stay away from them. Give them no info or ammunition against you. There is nothing they can do to you. Nothing.

 

And you don't want them in your life anyway. Why? Because they've known you since you were a baby? So what? They know you and still take your mom's side? Screw them. There is nothing there for you. Stay away. Make new friends, even if it's just one close friend and a handful of decent regular acquaintances. You get to choose who is in your life. You get to choose. YOU get to choose.

 

I am not going to lie... There were many times I wished I had a mom to confide in, to seek advice, to share my joys and sorrows. Even to this day I get jealous of others whose moms support them, give them all kinds of free babysitting, share in their joys and struggles, and talk to them every day. (Once my friends realize this bothers me, they tone down their mentions of their great mother relationships out of respect for my angst and regret.) But I can assure you that it is possible to push through life without your mom at your side. It was often a lonely feeling, but I knew it was for the best for me. I cried sometimes, and I sought counseling for a while. I became my own woman, maybe the hard way, but I did it. You can do it too.

 

I realize that times are different now, and your living situation is different. Things could suck for you for a while until you get on your feet. But I'm telling you that you don't really need those family members as much as you currently think you do.

 

Some of your life dreams and plans (education, etc.) may have to be put on hold for a bit, but you can still get there if you work at it and want it bad enough. Yeah, it's gonna suck and you're gonna be sad and jealous of others who have it easier. You're gonna wish your mom was normal and supportive. I'm sorry to say, that's not going to happen; she is not going to become "normal" toward you, at least not for a good long while. You're gonna take longer to get where you want to be.

 

Some kids are born with wealthy parents, so going to any fancy college is no problem. Some have great parents who aren't wealthy but support them as best they can to get through a state school or help them with a down payment on their first house or whatever. Some of us have shitty parents. I can easily work myself into a crying jealous fit if I think about this, how unfair it is. It's just life. It's not fair. But I refuse to be a victim of my circumstances. I have to make the choice to rise above it, to work extra hard to get where I want to be. However, I do believe that in many ways I am a better, more compassionate person for having done things the hard way. And my friends see this is and respect this and love me for this.

 

I still have angst and issues, and I'm messed up in some ways. You probably will too. But I know I have the power to make choices, to avoid people who hurt me, to work on my issues if I choose to, and to push forward with the positive aspects of my life. The only other option seems to be to shrivel up in my victimhood and never get anywhere. I choose not to do that.

 

You have choices to make. Keep working, and you'll get there. Trial by fire perhaps, but you'll get there. If your family abandons you, it's their loss. You can become who you want to be, and share it with whomever you choose. YOU choose.

 

Good luck, my dear. I'm sorry for your situation, I really am. Be strong. You can do it.

 

Peace to you.

 

 

 

It might be but, my family is pretty close all things considering. It's pretty tough. I certainly hope I don't regret anything. 

 

I admit I'm getting very sad over possibly not having a healthy family dynamic. I'd love to invite my family to my wedding if I get married someday, talk to them about what I'm accomplishing, tell them about friends etc... I love them to bits but I know I'm going to break their hearts. But they have broken mine. I might be able to keep my sister's favor but, she's a liberal christian and I still think she is a little upset about me being an atheist.  I am happy about the aspect of moving away and starting fresh. And I've made so many mistakes over the years and I'd like to make an honest woman out of myself.

 

I've had to set myself back but, all I really want from life is peace. 

 

I hope I can find people to confide in, if it comes to that. 

 

 

LadyN:

 

After reading what you've written in both threads I can tell you are a smart and strong woman. You will get through this. I hope today is a good one for you.

 

Thank you. I don't fancy myself strong or smart but, I'll accept the compliment.

 

Today my mom was being very eerily nice. I'm on edge a bit. 

 

 

Sorry for short responses, using family computer.