Seeking Truth In The Maelstrom

[Guest Ghost In The Machine]

My background is very simple. My childhood was normal, with the exception of not knowing my birth mother until age 24, I had a loving family, and lots of good role models. I played baseball until I was eleven or twelve, and was a devoted Boy Scout. We went to the lake every summer for weeks at a time and life was idyllic.

 

I probably lost my faith in religion shortly after this period. Actually I was probably, in reality, seven or eight years old when I realized that much of what I heard in church contradicted the christian tenet of "Love they neighbor" and "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".

Real christians wouldn't do some of the things I had seen people do to each other on the television.

 

Also, at the time, my grandfather was an elder in the Reorganized Church Of The Latter Day Saints. I went to Sunday school every weekend with my grandparents (my father and step-mother rarely attended. I read the bible but only half believed what I read. Somehow, I just knew that much of what the church had tried to teach me was, at the very least a half-truth, and the rest was an outright lie. I was taught about tithing, the ritual where you give ten-percent of your money to God on a regular basis, I assume for the priviledge of being saved. I always wondered why the church needed money if God was so all-powerful. Anyway, I heard the usual "if you don't believe in God and Jesus, you'll go to hell" and "you shouldn't ask THOSE kinds of questions".

 

I couldn't accept the belief the God simply IS, and has always been there. I asked simple questions like "If God created the heavens and earth, and all things upon it, then just exactly who created God"?

 

I distinctly remember the day that I told my family that I wouldn't go to church any longer, because I no longer believed in God. They were crushed, and somewhat outraged. I felt like I lost some of their love that day. That loss has never left me. Yet, even though I no longer believed, I still clung to the idea that my grandparents couldn't possibly believe anything that was a lie.

 

As I entered my teens, I noticed that my family (my aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.) didn't treat me the same as before. I somehow became the black sheep of the family because I didn't believe and was no longer invited to certain family functions, unless my parents forced me to attend with them. I felt out of place. I felt censured. I picked up a guitar and practiced endlessly trying to create my own anchor of sorts. Eventually I became a fairly de3cdent guitarist and formed a rock band and started playing gigs around town, and also experimented with booze and drugs for a short time. My life never seemed to level out completely.

 

All during my formative years I would ask my father and grandparentswhere my birth mother was, and wanted to know why I never heard from her. Didn't she love me? Again time passed. When I was 24 and was married to my first wife. I began actively looking for my mother. My first wife was supportive in my quest.

 

I received information from one of my relatives about mom's whereabouts and made a few phone calls, but nothing came of it immediately. My wife and I decided to vacation at the lake over one Fourth of July weekend, and upon our return, there was a message on the answering machine from a woman asking me to call her about my mother.

 

Reluctantly, I made the call and when they answered the phone, I identified myself, then heard "Honey, I've been looking for you for 24 years". It was my mother! I was so shocked and stunned that I had to hand the phone to my wife. After regaining my composure, Mom and I spoke for the first of many extended calls. During those calls I learned that my grandmother had kept my mother from seeing me because she was afraid she would be a bad influence on me.

 

Well, at that point, I was infuriated that someone would lie to me and hide the truth about my mother for all that time. After that initial conversation I called my grandmother to ask why everyone had lied to me about my mom. She only said that my mom was not to be trusted and she threw away all the letters and gifts that had been sent. She said she only did it to protect me, but it sure didn't feel like it!

 

Sometime later, a year or so I think. My wife and I had a son, and couldn't wait to tell mom that she was giong to be a grandmother. Then one day I received a call from my mom's husband saying that she had been working and had collapsed on the job and died from a heart attack. She would never know her grandson and I would never have an opportunity to develop a relationship with my mom.

 

Several months went by when I learned that my wife was secretly sleeping with my supposed best-friend behind my back. A gut-wrenching divorce soon followed, as my wife quickly moved in with my ex-best-friend. I couldn't believe that if there was a god, a loving God, how could he tear my wife and mother away from me in so short a time.

 

Then in the late eighties, my grandparents both passed away. When the church was contacted regarding their deaths, the churches response was, "we know that they had been devout followers and we will miss them, but all we can offer is our sympathy. 60 years of tithings, and all they would do is say sorry! That was my final confirmation of the non-existence of God, and the greed of organized religion.

 

I apologize for the rant, I guess I still needed to get that off my chest. Anyone else with a similar experience?

[thunderbolt]

Hey GIM

 

Welcome to the forums, and although I cannot relate to the details of your particular story, I can relate to the fact that religion screwed you several times over. Like you, I found that they peddle a product which they cannot support.

 

Thanks for sharing your story, and enjoy!

[Ouroboros]

Welcome Ghost-In-the-Machine (acronym GIM?)

 

Just a reflection ... we've gotten many new members lately! Wazup with that? Is it the fullmoon?

[pitchu]

Welcome, GIM.

 

There are ex-Mormons on the board who'll be able to identify well with the particulars of your story. Others will identify with your early escape and the terrible price you paid. And all of us will be glad for your joining this community of rationality.

 

Thanks for telling us about you.

[SkepticOfBible]

Should this post in the testimonies section?

 

Welcome GIM

 

So sorry to hear that life has been rough to you.

 

Hopefully we are able to help you out here.

[knowmad]

Greets Ghost In The Machine, welcome to the world of people with fucked up lives. You're not alone as we all have and I wept when I read your story of all the shit you've been through and I can only say one thing about it all.

Know deep in your heart that your real mother did love you.

Circumstances may have prevented you from recieving this love while you were growing up but she did so let that become a part of you.

 

There is good in the world, hard to find but when you do find it cherise it and build on that and do your best to create a better world for future generations. Don't let the shit drag you down.

[Guest Ghost In The Machine]

Thanks, normally I don't really dwell too much on the subject, but it seemed appropriate that I explain why I became am ex-christian. I simply knew that if there really was a perfect, omnipotent and loving God, he wouldn't allow such atrocities to occur. To anyone.

 

Adversity building character is one thing, but that would seem to be overkill in any language. I know my Mom loved me, and that is all there is now. It's always in the back of my mind.

 

Also, I know that I'm personally responsible for a lot that has happened in my life up to this point. I've made some good choices and I've made some bad ones. I'm not trying to blame anyone for the things that happened. I've learned to be much more careful about whom I trust, whom I let into my life, and how I live it.

 

This forum has really been a breath of fresh air in how I view my life from here on out. Thanks for the support.

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Greets Ghost In The Machine, welcome to the world of people with fucked up lives. You're not alone as we all have and I wept when I read your story of all the shit you've been through and I can only say one thing about it all.

Know deep in your heart that your real mother did love you.

Circumstances may have prevented you from recieving this love while you were growing up but she did so let that become a part of you.

 

There is good in the world, hard to find but when you do find it cherise it and build on that and do your best to create a better world for future generations. Don't let the shit drag you down.

[knowmad]

LOL overkill ! I used to think the same thing about my past while I was questioning the whole gawd thing. Just doesn't add up does it.

 

Blame: I lived with a born loser for most of my life and I was always angry and confused as to why people and the world were so against me, the a few years ago this preacher proudly told us that WE are to blame for everything that has happened to us.

 

A few days later I was thinking of that statement because it just didn't seem right. I reasoned hypothetical scenario of a very young child becomming permanently damaged from being raped by their parent how the fuck can the child be to blame for that?

 

The preacher was wrong, out of balance, going from one extreme to the other.

Then I realised that for me the correct way to deal with shit is to know that regardless of who is to blame for the many things that have happened in my past, I are personally responsible to fix my present life to create that better future.

 

I may have not have had any power in my past circumstances but I have all power to create my future.

Blame doesn't fix anything but it gives me a point of reference to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me now.

To me blame is just establishing the source of the problem, I then move on from blame to cure leaving all emotional baggage that blame tries to heap on me and keep me trapped in the past.

[Guest Ghost In The Machine]

To me blame is just establishing the source of the problem, I then move on from blame to cure leaving all emotional baggage that blame tries to heap on me and keep me trapped in the past.

 

I agree. The future's already looking much better.

 

It's a shame that more people don't take stock of themselves regularly, develop a new outlook on life, and overcome the emotional baggage. However, some folks will always be content to piss and moan their way through life. As far as my future is concerned, emotional baggage deserves no quarter. My story's only point was to demonstrate how I became an ex-christian. You can indeed work through it, but the emotional baggage is always with you nonetheless.

[knowmad]

My mother is still strobly concerned about being accused of something that happened to her when she was very young, almost brings her to tears when she recounts what happens.

This emotional baggage weighs on her even after so many years.

There's a big difference between being emotionally affected by an experience and having permanent memories of said experience.

 

We can't remove the memories but we sure as hell can remove the inner pain we choose to keep. And it's as you say, taking stock of ourselves to look at why we still feel pain about experiences long gone.

 

When my X left me I went through a few years of wanting justice or an explanation as to why the marriage fell apart.

By the 6th year I had understood the dynamics of the marriage failure, even though the X still hasn't explained why she left, accepted my findings and left it all behind and moved on.

 

I suppose we will all go through something similar when we leave xiantity and the time it takes to have closure of deconversion is proportional to how much time we spend evaluating the whole thing within ourselves.

 

With that said I must concur that we will always carry some level of emotional baggage but definately not as much as when we first started addressing the issues.

How about we go from emotional baggage to emotional wallet that does not weigh us down but it's easily excessable for reflection.