Daffodil Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I've realized a weird thing going on in my mind. It has been almost a year since I last entered a church on a Sunday morning and it feels great still. However, I'm finding myself ashamed to let people around me know that I went to an evangelical church for many years. Here's the situation: I live in a college town that is on the conservative side of the fence, but is still a college town, so there are all kinds of people and beliefs here, even if the majority is Christian. When I pick up my kids after school, we stay so they can play on the playground while I chat with other kids' parents. The other parents are now somewhere between "acquaintances" and "friends" to me. I really enjoy talking about anything and everything with them, but I get nervous when anything about their churches comes up. One is Mennonite, one is Methodist, one owns a business with her husband and doesn't go to church (I don't think), and the others are professors wives and don't go to church as far as I know. I mentioned a long while back that we attended an evangelical church, and now I really wish I hadn't. They all seem to accept me just fine, but I think they are more liberal-minded than I am and I worry that my residual Christian conservatism wil expose itself and embarrass me. There have been a few times that I know I said something small-minded and instantly regretted it. Does anyone else feel this way? I want to be over the mental disease of Christian conservatism, but I know I'm not there yet. Urgh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 No. It explains why so much of my life has been a fucked up mess and makes me proud of how far I've come in life since deconverting 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythra Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I'll make this easy. What Jeff said. here's a hint, Daffodil. Small minded people say small minded things and never realize they said them, never realize what it must have sounded like. you're okay. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jeff Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Daffodil. I answered the high level question but to your situation with your friends, yes I've embarrassed myself many times and I'm embarrassed a bit by my past but I find that when I explain to people that I am embarrassed by it but I'm moving forward they seem to actually respect me for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amateur Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 Maybe with xmas coming up, you can find a way to casually mention that you and your family won't be attending any xmas services or church activities because you're not affiliated with a church any longer. I mean, it shouldn't be too hard to find an opening for that, and let it go at that, unless someone wants to discuss it more (maybe someone else would enjoy a non-churchy friend!), since people do talk about xmas in general and what they're going to do over the holiday break, etc. If one of them invites you to their xmas church service, just say, "No thanks! We're enjoying not attending church!" And if you're a naturally more conservative person, then great, be that. If that's who you are, then that's who you are. If your conservatism is more related to church, I think it'll gradually go away. But if it's who you are, then embrace it! Real friends, and most normal people, can deal with friends who have different views than they do, as long as they're within the realm of some type of normalcy that they can understand. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moanareina Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I felt embarrassed for quite some time but this has passed with me moving on and on in my journey of life. Today I can say with boldness that I have been a member of a fundy church for many years and also why and how it came I left. I guess it has also to do with the years and distance I have now...it's exactly eight years in December that I have left church to find God on my own...and ending up losing faith all together. But also a big role played my current process of building up self esteem and radically accept myself. It has started about two years ago with some speeches I watched online about radical acceptance and self love, a week where I meditated exactly on these topics (with the very speaker of this speeches) and then the DBT I started this spring. I have always been more on the liberal side of the spectrum but being fundy christian of course also shaped my mind...but that unshaped somewhat naturally and one by one. We all have a small mind in certain areas and no one is perfect. And, we all change our minds once in a while. So there is no need to feel ashamed for saying something like that. And if you realize you said something small minded and why it was small minded and all, that's a great thing I would say. Something you should and can be proud of. You will automatically head to the mind that your personality actually has if you are true to yourself and accept where you are right now and that it is exactly the place you need to be. It is not a requirement to be openminded...but to be yourself and to feel good in your own skin is something we should all strive for. Just be and enjoy the company and as long as they are talking to you they are cool with you I guess :-). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeThinkerNZ Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 I think if they are genuinely liberal minded people then they would have nothing but compassion for someone who got out of conservative Christianity. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lilith666 Posted November 11, 2015 Share Posted November 11, 2015 Nope! I am LOUD and PROUD! My past with Christianity is a reminder of my independence and ability to stand up to brainwashing. But I can see how you would worry about your "small-mindedness." Things we were raised with can stay with us even after we consciously reject them. Just remember that you are not what was done to you and you can move on from that. Hanging out with diverse types of people certainly helps. Then again, your worries might be at least partly in your mind. Other people don't notice and pick on our weird behavior as much as we do it to ourselves. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Autumn2909 Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Sometimes. Part of me wants to move somewhere new so I can start over as my true self. But then I get really conflicted... some close friends of mine I met through the church... one has also de-converted.. and I wouldn't have those friendships with people without having been in church Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ALackOfColor Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 I feel this way too, sometimes. Mostly it has to do with the fact that I have "Christian Tattoos" that people like to comment on at the grocery store or at the coffee shop. It's generally embarrassing because they say positive things about them with the assumption that I still believe so I just smile and move on, lol. I do plan to get them removed or covered with something different. I don't really enjoy having the marks of my old religion permanently on my body. But what can I say other than I was stupid and convinced I would be a Christian forever! But generally speaking, when co-workers would ask me about my "faith" or my tattoos, since they aren't complete strangers, I would tell them the truth and have a nice chat about it. Pretty much all of them are accepting of my beliefs now, and most actually agree with me. I think most people are generally more open minded than we think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mythra Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Damn. I'm glad I never got any Jesus tatoos! I have friends that know I'm an ex-believer who occasionally ask questions, like what is a charismatic or pentecostal, etc. I think they respect the wider perspective I have from being in both worlds. I'd much rather tell people I'm an ex-fundy than have to ask them if they're saved. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duderonomy Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 Daffy, do you talk to them the same as you talk to us? Because we all like you. Maybe you are too self conscious about it? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daffodil Posted November 17, 2015 Author Share Posted November 17, 2015 Daffy, do you talk to them the same as you talk to us? Because we all like you. Maybe you are too self conscious about it? Awe, thanks Dude! I'm an introvert, so being self conscious is my modus operandi. I had become much less self conscious as I grew older, but this deconversion has thrown me back into it. I really appreciate your responses, everyone. I need to just relax about it and enjoy the conversations, knowing that no one is perfect. (Easier said than done!). I think I'm going to look for an opportunity to let it be known that we don't go to church anymore, then leave it at that. If they ask for more info, I'll elaborate, but that's it. Incidentally, we have been going to our old church life group this semester, at my husband's request, to see if it would be helpful in maintaining relationships. It's been weird and a little uncomfortable at times, but not bad. Funny thing, though, even hubby is questioning the point of continuing now, so we may be letting that go as well after December! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
disillusioned Posted November 17, 2015 Share Posted November 17, 2015 In response to the OP, no, I'm not ashamed. But I don't advertise it either. If it comes up, it comes up. I'm happy to talk about it. But I'm probably not going to bring it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
traveller2 Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 I'm embarrassed of my christian past and as a result dont mention it very much atall.Most folks I know offline i have only really gotton to know since deconverting and only a couple know of my christian past and can scarce imagne me in that role.Mostly I dont see the need to bring it up.I think its been about 7 yrs since i started to move away from it so its all a fairly long time ago, people dont need to know.Im just glad its in the past,the present and the future are whats important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dichotomy Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 I feel embarrassed for once having very strong, evangelical, charismatic, conservative, pentecostal beliefs. *but* I only had them for a few years and became liberal and wishy washy in my faith long before I lost it, so in that respect I'm quite proud of how I've moved on and grown as an individual. My friends of *now* are always amazed when I tell them of stories from my pentecostal days. Don't worry about the fact that you're on a journey and growing and changing as a person. Look to where you're going and where you are rather than worrying about what you once were. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mwc Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 I've found that people usually shit themselves when you tell them that you've stopped being xian so if you've found people that are cool with that then I wouldn't worry. mwc Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
disillusioned Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 I feel embarrassed for once having very strong, evangelical, charismatic, conservative, pentecostal beliefs. *but* I only had them for a few years and became liberal and wishy washy in my faith long before I lost it, so in that respect I'm quite proud of how I've moved on and grown as an individual. My friends of *now* are always amazed when I tell them of stories from my pentecostal days. I sometimes feel a little awkward about the fact that I used to be part of the YEC crowd. I mean, I have perfectly good excuse. I was homeschooled, and thoroughly indoctrinated. But I'm a science teacher, so I hang out with quite a scientifically literate crowd. It's hard for them to understand how I could have ever believed something that we all recognize is obviously false. Hell, even my wife is still shocked sometimes when I tell her stories from the fundy days. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mike D Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 I am not ashamed at all. I am who I am today because of who I was. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Prometheus Posted December 8, 2015 Share Posted December 8, 2015 Wait 10 more years and you won't be worrying about it anymore Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bhim Posted December 9, 2015 Share Posted December 9, 2015 Very interesting topic. I'm glad to hear that so many of you have gotten over this. As of this past summer, it's been 6 years since I was a Christian (and I was a Christian for 6 years, so there's a certain symmetry in this time of my life). I'm a scientist and work with other scientists; these are certainly not small-minded people, most are not Christians, and even those few who are are highly liberal Christians. Thankfully I don't have a single evangelical Christian in my life, but yet somehow, I am ashamed to admit that I was once an evangelical Christian. Part of my reluctance in mentioning this is that the narrative of my life is much less 'non-standard' if I simply omit the six years of my early adulthood. When people ask about my religious beliefs, I tell them - truthfully - that I was raised Hindu, continue to identify as such, but don't believe in the supernatural. Mentioning that I once converted to evangelical Christianity is at best an awkward deviation from this narrative, and at worst will invite unwelcome questions about how I could once believe in a religion that I now vilify very publicly. Surprisingly, when discussions of Christianity arise, no one ever wonders from whence came my cover-to-cover knowledge of the Bible, and for the moment I'm quite content to continue to omit the part of my life for which I was an evangelical. It works for me, your milage may vary. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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