The "chosen" Life

[emperrya]

Hi there. I've known about this place for quite awhile, but have rarely really taken a good look at the website. Now that I have, and have seen all the amazing support, I feel a bit more comfortable contributing. The compassion shown here towards people online is far more than I have ever experienced in my so called religious experiences and it made me cry just knowing there is a place to go to at any moment where maybe I don't have to worry about fighting to be treated like a human being. Thank you to whoever created this forum and the guidelines.

 

So...I grew up in fundamentalist christianity. It operated more like a doomsday cult as the emphysis was mainly on the end times, the Left Behind books, literal translations, and having towards being (and staying) saved. I left the faith in high school. I remember feeling as though I was being driven mad. I was tired, frustrated, and scared by how I literally could not get thoughts about God out of my head. Of course, I certainly didn't have a nice idea of who God was, so it was kinda like being followed around by an emotional abuser 24/7 who could also read my thoughts and arrange punishment according to anything I did. I was never sure if I was saved and the pressures of the church gave me anxiety/depression. I think I may have gotten hit a bit harder than other teenagers in the group because I admitted I was depressed. I was told God hated depression and turned his back on those who had mental illness. I had to try even harder to get into heaven. Eventually, I became suicidal, but also starting to doubt God's existence. I guess it didn't take much to convince me the whole thing was bullshit, as a friend did for me. I already had half a foot out the door. It was still pretty traumatic. I was 15 years old and suddenly no idea how life worked anymore. I had no idea what this meant about who I was, how society functioned, and if I should trust anything my parents and other adults said. The end result of leaving the church was horrific. My parents turned against me and people actually wanted me dead because I was no longer a christian. I had to live in this environment for three years and developed an eating disorder. I was not allowed to seek help for it.

 

A lot of crazy things happened after that...but I'll just cut to 5 years after high school when I was in NYC. I was a mess, had no idea it was from PTSD, and ended up joining another cult that wasn't entirely christian, but definitely had its roots in it. I spent seven years involved with the group. I was not in NYC for a majority of this time, but kept membership through phone sponsorship. I was given a similar life or death story about how I needed this group or I would die because I was somehow crazy and only they could help. My attempt at self help to cure my depression and unknown trauma spiraled into accepting this message that something was inherently wrong with me and I was a terrible person. Through this group I have recieved enormous psychological abuse, was made homeless a few times, told to never trust my instincts, recieved constant threats about my health and wellbeing, and I became very hopeless and suicidal. I thought it was all my fault. Somehow I just wasn't doing something right or wasn't enough and that was why I felt so terrible. I never knew what I should have done different. I experienced exhaustion and several breakdowns while in this program and trying to be a full time college student (to which they didn't really approve of).

 

So, I decided to move back to NYC in 2012. I was still in the group. I was mainly excited to be in the city with them. One of the leaders was a good friend of mine at the time and kept talking about this awesome church she was going to. I felt so low at the time that I was willing to do anything, as usual, to feel better. I wondered if I should go back to church. What if my former church was right all along...at least about something with this God thing. So, I started going to church with this person and was met with a very different and very positive version of God. It made me feel like a martian, to be honest. I had no idea what anyone was talking about. But it was definitely intruiging. I was doing it as more of an experiment and never proclaimed to be a christian. I started meeting with a very nice associate pastor who undid a bit of scriptural twisting and started to change my mind about pastors and church leadership all being complete assholes. Actually, the environment at first was such a contrast to the cult group that it made it much more obvious to me that I had fallen, again, into a destructive group. It was another really traumatic time for me. I had just moved to NYC three months prior and most of my relationships in the city were in this cult group. I refused to talk to any christians at the church at the time besides that pastor. I was also living with a group member. My friends in the group said we would still be friends if I took a break for a bit (I told them I needed a break to focus on therapy in order to hopefully avoid another catastrophic exit.) Precisely as I left though, absolutely no one called, texted, or invited me anywhere. Two months later, my roommate told me that people were saying very nasty things about me. That if I was out then I was crazy and no one should talk to me. I guess they got to her because several weeks later I was kicked out of the apartment during Hurricane Sandy.

 

Anyway...so I wasn't ok. I found out there were therapists who specialized in treating former cult members and started getting help. It led to meeting a lot of people like me, which was awesome, and then led to me needing to go to a residential treatment center in Massachusetts specifically for cult members. These people had spent 40 years in the field and were the most amazing human beings I will probably ever meet. At the time, I liked this new church I mentioned before so much that they became involved in my treatment outline. The fact that one of my cult leaders and several members were in the congregation was definitely a problem. The treatment center told the associate pastor this was a situation that needed to be monitored. They likened it to a domestic abuse situation. I really wanted to stay friends with this cult leader that had brought me to the church. I tried reaching out to her and tried explaining what I was learning. The end result was her writing an email to my therapists telling them that I was a liar and was crazy...which of course only made my case about the group stronger. My relationship with this leader had been tumultuous even before I had left the group and it was really hurtful. Much of it was the result of rumors and accusations that just were not true. She would verbally attack me at church for not being more outgoing there even though she knew my background. Post treatment center, she started playing with my head and that was when I cut ties. At my first Sunday back at church, she lashed out at me in front of half the congregation, which ended in a certified therapist, who was a church leader, breaking things up. The attacks continued though...in more subtle ways. They greatly affected me. My pastor would ask what was wrong, I would tell her, and then....after all they were warned about....I would be told over and over that it was all in my head. Nothing had actually happened. I felt like I no longer had protection anymore. Slowly, I felt more and more invalidated at this church with the people I was supposed to be getting help from. They claimed to know nothing about cults, but at the same time were talking and acting as if they were above the experts at the treatment center. Questions would be asked in a way that placed blame on me instead of the group. I was accused of dehumanizing this cult leader when I had only shared a few events that had happened. I was starting to get triggered being inside the church and was viewed as though I had 5 heads instead of maybe knowing what I was talking about. They did not ask what I needed, they told me what I needed. I just wanted the support that was promised to me. I felt like I had to really fight for it, so I did. It took a toll I didn't realize until it was too late. Now I was just pissed. I was tired of being invalidated. And I started asking questions as well. Mainly, about their finances. There was really only one leader I could ask questions to who didn't seem defensive. I was just curious why there was so much emphasis on finance and money. They made a 20 minute mini-sermon every service about giving. Sometimes, it was straight up manipulative. Telling people that if they gave money even though they couldn't afford it, god would reward them financially later on. It made me so mad! I wondered why the head pastors kept talking about how they kept needing money just for themselves. The hurricane flooded their basement, the head pastor had a knee surgery....lets give an offering....lets give them all kinds of free labor as well. Any other person in financial need is mostly just stared at and left to the sympathy of a few wealthy congregants, it seemed. The pastors, however, lived in the West Village, sent their kids to private school, had an SUV, etc. They needed money? There is also very little to no outreach at this church. They are tax exempt, but all the money they get goes to their own operations. They said "why start an outreach when you can join another already established." Fair enough, but if you have little interest in using your money to help the community, operate your church like a business and pay up.

I switched pastors. It wasn't a good idea. I don't think this person even wanted me in the church. I don't remember why, but I gave her my therapist's phone number when she asked for it. She would say things to me like "you are the worst thing that has ever happened to me." I got frustrated with the lack of support and started lashing out. My anxiety was incredibly high and this pastor kept putting the blame entirely on me instead of her triggering questions and hurtful comments. I felt like I was being treated like I had committed a crime. So, she started calling my therapist. Something he didn't really like and said as much to her. Then I let her in for a session and she told my therapist what kind of treatment I should be receiving and skewed situations to make her look a certain way. My therapist told her to find a therapist of her own cause he wasn't interested in "couples counseling." lol. Then another leader started talking to me about the problems he saw in the church and that a lot of people were not happy with the way things were heading. I warned him that it looked like a situation of a church about to go "rogue."

Shortly after this, I recieved proof that my pastor had violated confidentiality by sending an email to two leadership friends of mine detailing personal conversations I had had with her and about my cult situation. It was entirely inappropriate. When I asked why she sent it, I was told to leave the church. Afterwards, I tried phoning the office to talk to the head pastor to see if I really was kicked out. I tried other leaders, etc, and absolutely no one would answer me. Because of my violent previous experiences with religion, I began to panic. I did not know what was going to happen next. I kept trying to text and phone...nothing. Months later, I was finally given a meeting with the head pastor. Instead of asking what the hell had happened, I was scolded about bothering him and the office. I was then told that the church leaders could say and do whatever they wanted and if I had any objections, I was not to tell them about it, I was just supposed to tell my therapist and shut up at church. I went to this meeting thinking I would be able to have a fair discussion. I barely was able to talk at all. They already decided what had happened, why, and what to do next. I was very scared, shaking, and just wanted to leave. The leader who had previously shared how much he didn't like the church was suddenly going back on everything he said and kept asking "why are you still upset about this situation." Basically "why can't you get over it already?" It seemed shady as fuck. I decided people like that will have no place in my (AGAIN) having to start over. I apologized a few months ago to the pastor for lashing out at her and she told me I didn't deserve to have any friends. Someone pointed out that she acts like this whenever she can't get caught. Like, in a phone or one on one conversation. It makes me very angry that she can get away with telling people that they are shit and will not be held accountable because "she can say and do whatever she wants." It seems to me this church, C3 Manhattan, is more interested in making money and bringing in people exactly like the head pastors, than actually being a church. It was like a country club.

 

Anyway...thank you for reading this far. This was definitely a story in a nutshell and I dunno if it makes sense. But right now I find myself struggling to make friends and I suffer from a lot of lonliness and grief. No one from the church calls, of course. There was an email sent out to the leaders about me. My therapist said I now have social anxiety, but I definitely never had it until I started working with that pastor. The treatment center is pissed by the way the church treated me. I see a huge difference in my confidence and personality. I struggle to just leave my apt anymore, even though there are a lot of cool things out there I would like to do. I lack a lot of motivation and I've never been one to lack that, so I dunno what to do with myself half the time. Its very tiring fighting that everyday. I feel like...the way they seemed to see me. A bad person who is worthless. I dunno what I did to deserve these labels except try to get help. Its interesting that the only people who have defended the church's actions is...the church leadership. I'm still waiting to share my side of the story.

 

Soo...in my lifetime (I'm 30), that is what christianity has contributed to my life.

[directionless]

Thanks, @emperrya , that was an interesting extimony. It sounds like you stopped believing in Christianity 15 years ago, but you have a social need for church that has kept you involved? I hope your therapist can help you find alternatives to church society.

[GuyGone]

Laura Schlessenger used to say "don't try to get love from the devil".  Whatever you think of Dr. Laura, that's good advice.  Some people simply will not take responsibility for their actions.  Until they are willing to, expecting them to act like someone who does is just a waste of time.  You can't expect people to be something they aren't interested in being, even if it's something mature, sane adults should be.  We've all got at least one relative like that, right? 

 

It sounds to me like you aren't done with church yet. I don't know if it would help, but I wrote an ebook on Amazon titled "Slow poison" under the pseudonym Ben There.  It is about how to tell if your church is toxic.  If you read it, I suspect you'll see your previous church there.  Maybe realizing how it's dysfunctional will make it easier to break away, emotionally and mentally.  Or maybe not.

[emperrya]

Oh, I'm quite done with church and religion! I wish that things would end on a better note with these people, but I guess maybe it is a waste of time and it would just bring more hurt. Maybe soon I'll find some real friends to make it less painful. Thank you for the book recommendation though. I will have a look!

[older]

Whew. You certainly have been shit on. As you have discovered, one of the hazards of Christianity is that it becomes a social system that tends to trap people inside it. Getting out of that can be quite a challenge, and establishing friendships outside of a religious or philosophical context when that's all you have had in the past is hard to do. But you have taken steps and you will succeed. Check out a community college for a class you might take — something fun. Lots of thinking people there.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Welcome! Hope we can provide some online support for you.

 

Having been in the church office and seen both sides of the business, many pastors are simply businessmen or women, making a living off of fleecing the gullible. Others take it seriously, but like the power position and aren't afraid to use it for their favor. Most elders get elected because they have business savvy, not because they are especially kind or good. On the flip side, many pastors are overworked, the subject of lots of gossip, and ultimately are humans with no more halo over their head than the rest of us screw-ups. Plus all the promises that they rely upon from their non-existent god don't ever work, but they preach them anyway. Religion is a mind-fuck from the outset, so it isn't odd that the fallout from it yields many broken lives and some truly messed up individuals in charge of churches.

[dangitbobby83]

I wish I could give you a big, long hug. 

 

I haven't suffered as much trauma as you, but I do have a friend who was an independent baptist and ended up leaving. She was literally disowned by her parents, so the situation sounds a lot like yours.

 

Christianity, even some of the more liberal sects, offer nothing but psychological harm to people. Those who escape unharmed are either lucky or had a church that primarily ignored the nasty parts of the bible. The idea that you're worthless without god, worthy of nothing but hell and damnation is awful. 

 

I'm glad you're here! We'll all support you as much as you need. Be sure to continue professional, secular therapy and we'll do what we can to be here for you.

[Margee]

Anyway...thank you for reading this far. This was definitely a story in a nutshell and I dunno if it makes sense. But right now I find myself struggling to make friends and I suffer .

Welcome to Ex-c emperrya and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am in a bit of a hurry right now so I will return later to validate a few things for you. Your post made me furious  at how these people brainwash you to think you are the bad or crazy person. I'll be back later hon. For now, read this article and see if you can recognize some of the stuff that was done to you on purpose. Hang in there. You are home. I'm so glad you are here.

 

http://www.orange-papers.org/orange-deprogram.html

 

((hug))

[BeauCat]

Just finished reading your post. I can only speculate that your impression of the church leadership ring true- they are more interested in building their empire than supporting the people who made it (financially) possible. People who use others this way don't make very good leaders...it sounds like you were collateral damage.

 

They preyed on your trust. Like me you were told from birth that church leadership is wise, fair, and functions with the authority of God. I remember holding people who take those titles and the power it gives them to a higher standard...and like you I've seen them use their position to their own selfish gains with little regard for others. These people tell you God is the answer and that you will have acceptance, love and support that the world can't offer you, and of course as soon as you tested that it wasn't true.

 

My advice is to walk away from all of them and focus on yourself.

[florduh]

Welcome, and thanks for sharing your story. We'll try to help, support and inform any way we can.

[Geezer]

So happy for you that you managed to recognize you were in a cult & found a way out. I hope folks here will be able to contribute to your healing. Lots of folks here can empathize with at least some of the things you've experienced. Glad you found this site.

[Guest Furball]

So...I grew up in fundamentalist christianity. It operated more like a doomsday cult as the emphysis was mainly on the end times, the Left Behind books, literal translations, and having towards being (and staying) saved. I left the faith in high school. I remember feeling as though I was being driven mad. I was tired, frustrated, and scared by how I literally could not get thoughts about God out of my head. Of course, I certainly didn't have a nice idea of who God was, so it was kinda like being followed around by an emotional abuser 24/7 who could also read my thoughts and arrange punishment according to anything I did. I was never sure if I was saved and the pressures of the church gave me anxiety/depression. 

 

I went through some of these similar problems as well. I was brainwashed with calvinistic and puritanical christianity. Because of that, I too had horrible thoughts of god as an abuser who was watching my every little step and ready to be quick top punish me for even the smallest thing. The good news is, is I am completely recovered from the death cult of christ-insanity. This website as well as educating oneself on the history of christianity and god will lead you to be free from its psychological grip on you. Thank you for sharing your ex-timony. You're very brave and you have all of our support on here. Welcome!

[Guest Furball]

Soo...in my lifetime (I'm 30), that is what christianity has contributed to my life.

Isn't it strange that people tell you christianity has all the answers you're looking for, and that it's a religion of peace and love when really it provides no answers at all that are based in reality and the only emotions it inspires are those of fear, guilt, shame and anxiety?

 

Glad you're free of that death cult.