Mnemosyne Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 Has anyone ever felt pressured to force themselves back into Christianity just to stop from hurting their loved ones (parents, siblings, partners, friends) - because you can't stand the idea of them crying because they must now believe that you are going to hell? Their desperate prayers that you know will never be fulfilled, the idea that maybe their last thought before death will be that they will not see you in heaven? How do you deal with it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
godlessgrrl Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 I've had brief spikes of this occasionally. It's occurred a few times in the past few years, perhaps the most prominently in the year 2000, when I got a divorce. I was drifting out of Xianity at the time and to be honest, I was seized many times with a panicked sense that I should just reconvert back to the full-on fundy I had been, so that I wouldn't hurt anybody by leaving my then-spouse. I wanted sometimes to just adopt the facade of the perfect little submissive fundy wife again. I thought if I did, then I wouldn't hurt anybody, because I'd end up being the quiet person who wouldn't upset the status quo. I'd do the good Xian thing and stay with my Xian spouse and do the Right Thing by putting up with his neglect, and try to fix my marriage by praying for him and being perfect. My family wouldn't be disappointed in me and I wouldn't devastate my spouse by leaving. I got out of that by understanding what the real alternatives were: if I stayed, I was either going to kill myself, or kill my spouse. No joke. If divorce were not an option, one of us would have ended up dead. So it just kept boiling down to choosing the lesser of 3 evils. I kind of had a twinge of guilt and "maybe I should go back" later on when I wasn't Xian anymore and I came out of the broom closet to my devout fundie-mentalist mother. She was shocked to find out the daughter she'd raised to be her own spitting image (we were, in fact, baptized together while I was in my teens) was actually a witch, and didn't want to have no truck with no Biblegod. I debated pretending to be Xian to please her, until I realized that I really wasn't interested in pleasing her at all. Now my attitude is a cold-hearted, "like it or lump it" one. I am what I am and I don't give a shit what anybody else wants me to be. Fuck 'em. Especially people who want me to change into something I'm not, but aren't willing to do the same for me. No damn way. It really just angers me that some people have this expectation that I'm going to become Xian again or pretend to be Xian just so that they can be comfortable with me and my life. That's narcissistic and selfish of them and I don't have any tolerance for it. I don't live my life according to someone else's comfort level. If they don't like it, they can find company elsewhere. So I guess in the end I got over it by getting pissed off and becoming a total bitch about it. But honestly, I like it better this way. I'm not responsible for making anyone else happy. Neither are you. You don't have to change something as personal as your spirituality just to please anybody else's fragile ego. If they think something's wrong, why don't they change, by giving up their belief in a bloodthirsty Bronze Age sheepherder's god? Yeah. So that's where I'm at. Thanks for reading. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lothartx Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 That is something I'm dealing with also. My wife is a fundie and tends to get angry instead of sad. I'm stuck on what I should do. I agree with with Mnemosyne in that's not your responsibility if someone is happy or not. They can chose to accept you or chose not to accept you. Saying the does not make life easy. I've found pretending to be something I'm not takes a greater toll than being who you are and living up to your potential. I'll have to keep an eye on this thread to see if what insight others have on this subject. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mnemosyne Posted February 26, 2006 Author Share Posted February 26, 2006 I am what I am and I don't give a shit what anybody else wants me to be. Fuck 'em. Especially people who want me to change into something I'm not, but aren't willing to do the same for me. No damn way. It really just angers me that some people have this expectation that I'm going to become Xian again or pretend to be Xian just so that they can be comfortable with me and my life. That's just it... my parents have accepted that I'm not Christian... my dad even said he understands that based on my personality type, i.e. being more logical/analytical, he can see why I can't find it in me to believe in God. My parents don't expect me to become Christian again, and I know they wouldn't want me to pretend to be something I'm not, for them. But I still feel really guilty for hurting them. Not so much selfish, because I know I can't force myself to be something I'm not, but just guilty that their hurt is a result of my actions even if it's not my "fault". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lycorth Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 I may have to be dealing with that in the near future. I have come out, either directly or by heavy implication, about my deconversion, and the reactions are mixed. From non-xian friends of course the reaction is favorable, but I have heard nothing from a Xian friend about it. It is going on several weeks since the email in which I explained everything, so who knows? But I anticipate some lengthy explanations are ahead, however, it's all good. I see no reason to allow myself to be pressured into doing something I don't want to do, and that's faking Xian belief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All Gods Fail Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 That's just it... my parents have accepted that I'm not Christian... my dad even said he understands that based on my personality type, i.e. being more logical/analytical, he can see why I can't find it in me to believe in God. My parents don't expect me to become Christian again, and I know they wouldn't want me to pretend to be something I'm not, for them. But I still feel really guilty for hurting them. Not so much selfish, because I know I can't force myself to be something I'm not, but just guilty that their hurt is a result of my actions even if it's not my "fault". Hi Mnemosyne! It ain't easy telling the folks you've left the faith, but it sounds like your parents are understanding at least, and aren't putting pressure/guilt on you to 'reconvert'. This a tough time for all of you, but especially you. You've got extra pressure from your deconversion, which can be rocky at times. The most important thing is, I think, to let them know you still love them and let it go at that. Let some time heal those wounds, and eventually you'll feel less guilty and they'll know you're still their little girl. And life will go on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cat Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 I am what I am and I don't give a shit what anybody else wants me to be. Fuck 'em. Especially people who want me to change into something I'm not, but aren't willing to do the same for me. No damn way. It really just angers me that some people have this expectation that I'm going to become Xian again or pretend to be Xian just so that they can be comfortable with me and my life. That's just it... my parents have accepted that I'm not Christian... my dad even said he understands that based on my personality type, i.e. being more logical/analytical, he can see why I can't find it in me to believe in God. My parents don't expect me to become Christian again, and I know they wouldn't want me to pretend to be something I'm not, for them. But I still feel really guilty for hurting them. Not so much selfish, because I know I can't force myself to be something I'm not, but just guilty that their hurt is a result of my actions even if it's not my "fault". I can so empathise with this. I did wonder at one point whether to keep everything secret, just so as not to hurt them, but at the end of the day it wouldn't have worked. My mother is "bitterly disappointed" in me and lets me know it, my father quietly upset. But to lie and continue to go to church was not an option I could consider once I recognised firstly that I didn't believe anymore and secondly, the harm I felt Christianity, especially Catholicism does. The one I most hate hurting is hubbie, who cried and cried at first, but is now getting more adjusted (though I think that's because he thinks I'll return to the fold.) I don't think you can avoid the feelings of guilt, in summary, but with time they get less (I hope anyway.) Just continue to show them you are your old loving self and it may influence what they actually believe in the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mnemosyne Posted February 26, 2006 Author Share Posted February 26, 2006 I think my parents are actually blaming themselves for my deconversion, thinking that they set bad examples, were hypocritical or something (which they weren't, really - they are both pretty good examples of Christians)... I tried to reassure them that if anything, their examples were good and not bad, but obviously people are far more self-critical of themselves than anyone who knows them is. But it makes me feel guilty, thinking that they feel guilty because of me. I think maybe I need to sit down and explain to them once again my reasons for deconverting. I'm just glad I don't live with them any more - that would be very awkward, and I really sympathise with ex-Christians who are in a situation where they continue living with their partner or family after their deconversion... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizard Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 My husband, who was never fundie (at least not in the time I've known him) was quite upset when I told him I no longer believed. On occasion, he eyes me with suspicion. I think he continues to believe to honor the memory of his mother more than any other reason. However, he does not go to church nor does he read a bible..or anything else for that matter. Well, there is the matter of changing my radio station to KLOVE every time he drives my car. He has asked that I not tell his sister. So, I haven't. I don't know what her reaction would be. Probably much like the song on the XM right now "Freak Out!" However, I would not lie to protect feelings. If asked outright, I would be honest. But that's just me. I break into a sweat when I attempt to lie.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ro-bear Posted February 26, 2006 Share Posted February 26, 2006 The effects of apostacy on those we love are sometimes more traumatic than the "falling away" itself. My father says it worries him that I have what seems from his perspective an anti-Christian stance. My mother says she is proud to have raised a son who thinks for himself. Both are nominally Christian, but lukewarm (no pun intended) for as long as I can remember. I'm really not anti-Christian so much as I am anti-religion. You know, "Love the sinner, hate the sin". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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