jasonother Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 My testimony is different from what I hear most others on here give. When I was about 10 years old, my father moved away to another state, leaving me fatherless. At about the same time, a Baptist group brought a children's "ministry" to the neighborhood, and from that I heard the message of God being a Father to His Church. I was very attracted to that, and heartily accepted Christ as my Saviour and God as my Father. I went down during altar call and told the pastor that I was there to "accept Christ into my heart." I was soon thereafter baptized, and I remember as clearly as if it happened yesterday that just before the baptism I was praying to God to give me of His Spirit. Even from that early age, I would have quiet times in my room alone with The Lord. I would shut the door, and study The Scriptures. I truly looked at God to fill the void that had been formed in my heart due to my father's abandoning us children. I stopped going to Church for years, but continued to always feel close to God, and to pray. When I was 19, I felt an overwhelming conviction of sin. It was like The Scripture Says "Woe is me, for I am undone, for I have seen The Lord of Hosts, and I am a man of unclean lips." It hit me like a ton of bricks and I thought that I was damned to hell. I would come to look on this even as a fulfillment of The Scriptures "Whosoever shall fall on This Stone shall be broken." "As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten," and God "scougeth every son who He receiveth." From that point on for the next four years, I literally utterly denied myself for The Lord. Though it was at a crux point in my life for pursuing an education and a career, I literally denied myself of those ambitions to instead pursue The Lord. I fasted very often, sometimes for days on end. I read The Word of God hours every day, memorizing many Scriptures. When I finally did get a job, I would rip up money, telling God that I was doing it to prove that my love was toward Him, not toward materials. I fanatically denied all for The Lord. From reading The Scriptures, I truly thought that Jesus Taught that whosoever doesn't live in misery and deny all and cry day and night with sorrow could not be His disciples. This whole time, I truly thought that the end of the world is at hand. I have always had a very negative outlook on the whole world and on people, thinking everyone to be selfish and evil. My grandmother used to tell me that reading The Bible can make one crazy....it certainly did make me crazy! Finally, I moved away from that small town to a larger city. I got tired of being miserable all the time, and living that sort of lifestyle was simply not reasonable. One does have to provide for themself. I finally got a decent job, which I put a tremendous amount of effort into, as I have a strong desire to succeed. I got tired of praying hours a day, I got tired of denying myself. I got tired of being miserable. I grew away from The Lord gradually, though not fully. At the height of my "backsliding" last fall I angrily said "Oh my God!" From that point on, I feel that God has withdrawn His Spirit from me, and that thus I have committed the blasphemy of The Holy Spirit. I felt like a tree that was withered, like the life was sucked right out of me. Immediately I went into major depression. I would stare blankly for hours, just feeling such tremendous shock. I lost my job because I fully expected that God was going to strike me dead. Being filled with tremendous anxiety and depression, I was simply unable to go to work. I think I'm like Saul who was filled with The Holy Spirit, but angered God, thus receiving an evil spirit afterward. I'm a gay man, and I've been in love with my bf since the first day that I met him. And he loves me very very deeply also. Our relationship was never sexual...it's true love, unselfish love. He has been supporting me for the last several months, and he also is terribly grieved for me over my situation. I never allowed myself to love someone before I met him, as I considered myself dedicated to God only. Even for about the first year after we met, he would want to hold hands and I would not allow it as I felt for me to indulge my feelings would be less than faithful to Jesus Christ. Sometimes I think that God sent him into my life to test my faithfulness to Jesus. I feel that I was one of those who was not only called, but also chosen. "Many are called, but few are chosen." I still feel hopeless to this day and still expect that God is going to destroy me. I wish I had never been born. I could never commit suicide as I'm terrified of hell. And I actually love life; I'm just grieved because I think God is going to slay me. I have so many talents and interests that I would love to pursue. I don't know why I'm putting this on here, except that it makes me feel better to talk to others who also are not perfect. I always feel guilt, but reading other posts makes me feel better about myself. jason Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
futurekid Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Wow, I generally avoid trying to explain the folly of Christianity to the Christians I interact with on a daily basis because they seem to be happy in it, but for you I will definitely make an exception. The short version of what I have to say is go read the site in my signature. In a nutshell I was a perfectly happy, heterosexual, Christian who had a healthy relationship with and loved Jesus and who had logically reasoned out how God could actually exist. I read this site and within 48 hours I literally had not an ounce of belief left in my body. For someone who already has strong incentive to disbelieve it should be a Godsend - lol. Best wishes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitchu Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Jason, Your story is touching. And scary. I'm truly sorry for the anguish you're going through. It puts me (and maybe others) in an awkward position, because it's not clear whether or not your posting in the Testimonies of Former Christians forum means that you no longer consider yourself Christian. What we might have to say to you would likely vary, depending on this point. (Also, if you're still a Christian, this thread could be moved to a more appropriate forum.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
euphgeek Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I feel that I was one of those who was not only called, but also chosen. "Many are called, but few are chosen." I still feel hopeless to this day and still expect that God is going to destroy me. I wish I had never been born. I could never commit suicide as I'm terrified of hell. And I actually love life; I'm just grieved because I think God is going to slay me. I have so many talents and interests that I would love to pursue. Why not look at it from a logical standpoint? If you think that God is going to destroy you, wouldn't he have by now? And what about people who actually have done bad things? God hasn't struck them down, has he? Now I realize that this is probably an emotional issue for you, so logic may not persuade you. But if God is pure good (e.g., the feeling you get when you do a good thing is from God) then how can the fear of hell or the fear that God is going to destroy you be from God if those thoughts make you miserable? I hope this helps you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkepticOfBible Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 How do you reconcile your homosexual life with the outright condemnation of homosexuality in the bible? The god of the bible hates gays. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapdog Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Jasonother, I think you made the right decision to post, and in doing so to talk to others. The last time I heard a Christian say, "Oh, my God!" at something trivial was last week. This term has entered the popular youth lexicon and young Christians say it all the time, insincerely at that. All of the dozens of Chrisitians I have heard say this phrase are, to the best of my knowledge, still alive and well and still at the same level in their Christianity. Now I never said OMG and I never will: when I was a Christian I considered it offensive to God. Since I don't have a god anymore, I have no need to say it, in vein or not. One thing I suggest you do is read: not the Bible, but books on Jesus. Read authors that talk about how Jesus never claimed to be any more a son of God than he considered his fellow Jews to be, and how he never claimed to be the Messiah and his capture and execution were unexpected. Read about how the first visions of Jesus were over a hundred days after he died, and how the different gospels are inconsistent, not least about the locations of where these visions happened. Read about how perhaps 80% of the words ascribed to Jesus in the New Testament were probably never his words. I would bet a lot of money that he never said anything about an unforgiveable sin. At any rate, we have mentioned that plenty of Christians have said this phrase and still feel loved by God. My interpretation is that both your own feelings and theirs are purely products of their own situations, and they have nothing to do with God. I thought I might have committed the unforgiveable sin when I was younger. I spoke at length to ministers who just couldn't believe I was worried about that kind of thing. Of course, the real problem is that no-one even knows that the unforgiveable sin is. And did you know that the Roman Catholic Church thinks it can declare someone's sin as unforgiveable, on a case by case basis? This stems from their insistence that their word is God's word by virtue of the fact that they said it. I suffered from mild obssessive compulsive behaviour as a teen. Actually, it got extreme. I can talk about things like walking back home and missing the school bus to check if the light switches were fully off so the metal contacts weren't accidentally left close to each other and could cause a spark and burn down the house (I'm actually planning to demolish this house one day since it is on land that deserves better), but that was nothing. I couldn't respond to people that were talking to me because I was trying to complete those symetrical phrases that I needed to complete in my head in order not to have to do them all over again (akin to little nursery rhymes and comprising sets of four, which then need to be done in 16s, since the four is just one set of four and is unbalanced). Even now, if I do something I did back then just for the hell of it, like wave my arm in front of my face to clear my field of vision like a windscreen wiper, I suddenly have to keep going like I did back then, not satisfied that I really cleared my entire field of vision. This proves I'm not different, that I still have this disorder, so to speak (it is actually caused by a brain message getting stuck and going back and forth from the source to where it is supposed to end up to tell yourself that you have completed something satisfactorily), but these days I can just get used to that feeling that what I did was not complete. Likewise, you have feelings of something being wrong and needing to be fixed, even though you know in your head that this just doesn't fit with how the world should be. You need to get used to the feeling that something needs to be done. Once you do, the feeling will go away and you will see life much, much more clearly. I don't know if you ever struggled with your sexuality, but you probably know that many young men do when they feel homosexual attraction. They can hate themselves, etc. But once they accept the way things are, just like any non-Chrisitian who has come to realise he is a non-believer, their turmoils are replaced by a deeper understanding of life, the universe and most importantly themselves. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aqua Kitty Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Hi Jason, I'm just going to offer some practical advice. It sounds like you're working through some extremely intense emotional issues, which are accompanied by depression. My advice is to see your family doctor and see about the possibilty of some medication to help with the depression. A close friend of mine went through a painful divorce a few years ago and experienced many of the same feelings you describe. Some anti-anxiety medication helped her immensely, and today she is doing much, much better and feels good about her life again. I wish you all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jose Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I wholeheartedly second Aqua Kitty's recommendation. You're not even going to be able to begin working through the many issues you have until you can face the day with a spring in your step and a clear head. If you're unsure of what to ask, try going here and taking the test. Print it out and bring it with you to the doctor's office. I don't envy you your situation, but there is help and hope. Go to the doctor. Don't worry about how much it costs, nothing is worth the anguish you're going through right now. Go now. Go, go, go... Why are you still here? Go! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Jason, I know that making this post was very difficult for you. It was certainly difficult for me to read. I hardly know how to react. As a gay man who was once a Christian I think I know a little about what you are experiencing, but I still feel at a loss for words. What can I say to make it all better? Unlike you my (real) father remained close to me all of my life. (He died in 2002 when I was 42 years old) When I rejected Christianity at the age of 18 as a means to ‘fix’ me, my father was there to pick up the pieces and accept me for who I really was. Knowing that my father loved and accepted me as his gay son was critical in learning to accept and love myself. Jason, I don’t have any quick answers for you. We all deal with issues like this differently and find success through many different avenues. Do look for support through ‘real’ people like your boyfriend, you will find their support and human touch far more helpful than any father-in-the-sky. IBF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Open_Minded Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Jason.... you are getting some wonderful advice here. I've never been where you're at now, so there really isn't much that I can add. You should know though, that not all Christians look at being gay as a sin. There are many, many Christians who acknowledge the biological issues involved with sexual orientation. I belong to a large family - six children. One of my brothers is gay. He has a very healthy and loving relationship with his partner. Their relationship is every bit as sacred as the other marriages in our family. Even before my brother came out, I decided that every human is created beautiful and perfect. By the time life takes its toll on us we may not feel, or act that way. But we are created perfect - every single one of us. You are who you are, and there are many, many Christians who would say to you what I have just said. I'm a gay man, and I've been in love with my bf since the first day that I met him. And he loves me very very deeply also. Our relationship was never sexual...it's true love, unselfish love. He has been supporting me for the last several months, and he also is terribly grieved for me over my situation. I never allowed myself to love someone before I met him, as I considered myself dedicated to God only. Even for about the first year after we met, he would want to hold hands and I would not allow it as I felt for me to indulge my feelings would be less than faithful to Jesus Christ. Sometimes I think that God sent him into my life to test my faithfulness to Jesus. Jason ... please consider the possibilty that your boyfriend has entered your life because you need to feel unconditional love, and that this is a blessing - not a test. Please do keep us posted, Jason - we do care. In Peace: Open_Minded Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jasonother Posted March 2, 2006 Author Share Posted March 2, 2006 Thank you so much for all of your support and encouragement. I really appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotBlinded Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Jason, If you have time, check out the Spirituality thread. It is wonderful and very insightful. Here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pariah Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 I lost my job because I fully expected that God was going to strike me dead. But he didn't, fortunately. Now that you have an experience that contradicts your Christian views maybe its time to seriously rethink that view from the ground up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curtdude Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Hi Jason, You sound distraught. Like the rest of the posters here, I have no Supreme Answer. But I can relate. I'm gay also and was once a fervent, all out for Jesus True Believer. The religion you are looking to for comfort and identity, IMHO, will never offer you safe haven because it rejects your homosexual identity completely. I know some of my MCC brethren and sistren will object, but the Book they use condemns us in both the OT and NT. Some brotherly advice: You know, Jason, when you're not invited to the party, take it as a hint. Don't go. Don't set yourself up for disappointment by wishing you were good enough. No one is, particularly us homos. We are not invited and we are not welcome. Fine. I'll find my life elsewhere. And I DID find my life elsewhere, outside of the religion that says that I'm the bane of society, the reason for its ills, and a sorry excuse of a man. I got professional therapy, worked through my hangups with my sexuality, and moved on with my life. You'll need to also, unless misery is an option. The fact that you wrote such an honest, heartfelt post tells me that you are not interested in living in misery. Let your boyfriend help you (if he can) and now is the time to ACT. Only your ACTION can help you now, not god, not anyone else. You can and will create your own life, but it's up to you now. You must be your own father. I know this is true. I did it. Take it easy, bro. Big hug and take care. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greasemonkey Posted March 2, 2006 Share Posted March 2, 2006 Hi Jason Wow. Where to begin.... Well, I wish I could get my oldest brother on here to talk to you. I'm a Southern Baptist preachers kid and my oldest brother is gay. When he started to realize his orientation he attempted suicide something like three times; he was married and a father of two on top of the religious bit. He was utterly conviced that god hated him and believed death was his only way out for a very long time. I was going through a very severe depression at the time myself, and in a way feel fortunate that we got to know each other more in that time than ever before (he's 10 years older & moved out when I was 8, so we really didn't know each other very well); we kind of gave each other an unconditional "anchor" of sorts. He had a really hard go of it, but he came out better than ever before from all the heartache; even as an extremely above averge dad (as both his kids would say in a heartbeat, too), which is a story for another day (or thread). Dad's retired now, and even he loves his son like life itself regardless of his sexual orientation, or his own religious problems with it. I won't lie & say thier relationship is great, but better than a lot of stories I hear. One of my brothers and my really good friends is gay (retired psychologist), and was studying to be a baptist preacher (it was ironic, it turned out later he went to the same college at the same time as my dad, although they never met then) ...he went through numerous programs trying to "cure" himself of homosexuality, but none "worked". He's still actually quite religous, but has reconciled it somehow, so I guess it can be done... I'd really recommend you get some help for the depression; my brothers and my experience's were in the dark ages of anti-depressants (80's), but nowdays they can really help in getting over that "hump" that is so difficult in such a hard emotional place. Just a quick thought for you to digest on the religious issue before I end this: most religions base the notion of the "age of accountability" on the idea that god is loving, so he wouldn't send children to hell before they had a chance to accept god. This notion is nowhere in the bible, in fact, it says nothing even close to it. If you feel a need to believe in god, you might want to dwell on the thought that if he can accept children even though it's not written anywhere in the bible, then he can certainly accept you too. Although I don't espouse religion to deal with much of anything, I'm sure anyone on this site would rather see you turn into a raving gay fundy than a dead unhappy homosexual gentleman with no sense of his intrinsic value as a human being. Love can be pretty freakin' elusive for the best of us; if you happenned to find it with another man, then you are a lot better off than a lot of people who didn't find it with the wrong woman. Best of luck, and we hope you see you around here more often! -GM I don't know why I'm putting this on here, except that it makes me feel better to talk to others who also are not perfect. I always feel guilt, but reading other posts makes me feel better about myself. oh, and by the way... what did you mean by this statement?! We're all utterly perfect here!!! (let us all now join hands and sing the first stanza of "Oh Lord, it's Hard to be Humble") Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LosingMyReligion Posted March 4, 2006 Share Posted March 4, 2006 Jason, I can relate to you. I'm gay and the best thing that I could have ever done for my self esteem was move away from Christianity. You don't have to pretend to be something that you are not anymore. You can love and accept yourself in entirety. I tried being a gay christian for a minute and it just didn't compute. No matter where I went my feelings and lifestyle were considered an abombination...So I feel no desire to praise a god who hates me for the way that HE made me. I can't tell you what to do, but all I can give you is some advice. You are not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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