Growing Up With An Open Mind

[GreenXero]

Greetings all,

 

I have been reading the forums on this site for about a month now, but this is my first post. First off I would like to say that this site is great and has answered a lot of my questions about dealing with family and friends. There is one question I have that has not been asked or I have missed while reading the forums. What and when should I tell my children about being an atheist?

 

For some quick background(until I get a chance to post my testimony):

1. I don't think I was ever really a Christian, because the stories never made sense to me even as a child, but I am just recently coming to terms with calling myself an atheist.

2. Even though I didn't believe the stories, I was scared of being a bad person by my mom and others who were religious.

3. I am divorced from a woman who claims to now be religious or just has religious people around my kids alot.(hard to tell when I have a distant relationship with my kids)

4 My kids are nine(son) and seven(daughter) years old.

 

Basically, I don't want my kids to grow up with the fear of having only two choices, which are Christianity or torturous death for eternity. I went through a lot of mental anguish over the years because of my choice to be "non religious" even though I have strong morals. Because of the divorce my kids only see me during the summer and at some holidays and I want to be prepared for the subject to come up.

 

I hope to get the great advice I have seen in other threads, because I can really use it.

 

Thank you in advance.

[Open_Minded]

Greetings all,

 

I have been reading the forums on this site for about a month now, but this is my first post. First off I would like to say that this site is great and has answered a lot of my questions about dealing with family and friends. There is one question I have that has not been asked or I have missed while reading the forums. What and when should I tell my children about being an atheist?

 

For some quick background(until I get a chance to post my testimony):

1. I don't think I was ever really a Christian, because the stories never made sense to me even as a child, but I am just recently coming to terms with calling myself an atheist.

2. Even though I didn't believe the stories, I was scared of being a bad person by my mom and others who were religious.

3. I am divorced from a woman who claims to now be religious or just has religious people around my kids alot.(hard to tell when I have a distant relationship with my kids)

4 My kids are nine(son) and seven(daughter) years old.

 

Basically, I don't want my kids to grow up with the fear of having only two choices, which are Christianity or torturous death for eternity. I went through a lot of mental anguish over the years because of my choice to be "non religious" even though I have strong morals. Because of the divorce my kids only see me during the summer and at some holidays and I want to be prepared for the subject to come up.

 

I hope to get the great advice I have seen in other threads, because I can really use it.

 

Thank you in advance.

 

Welcome to the board GreenXero:

 

Your post interests me because I grew up in a household where my parents left the church (I was in my early teens). During my teen years my father would have fallen into the camp of Agnostic/Athiest.

 

Even though I consider myself Christian now, for many years I did not.

 

So.... about your children. The greatest gift my parents ever gave any of us children (beyond unconditional love) was teaching all of us to think critically. My father was more vocal about his beliefs than my mother. (She considers herself a diest to this day). Our evening meals were either about politics or religion (or both). My father did not preach, he asked questions - lot's of them. He was always gentle, but he expected his children to be honest about the world we live in.

 

There were books all over the house. Some of those books were about how to read the Bible, or about other world religions, etc.. We were encouraged to read.

 

And most of all, as we became adults and chose our own paths we had support - lot's of it. Some of us consider ourselves Christian, some don't. All of us are quite liberal and critical thinkers when it comes to all of life, including religion.

 

One book that I would suggest as a gift to your children (I've given it to all of mine) is ONENESS: GREAT PRINCIPLES SHARED BY ALL RELIGIONS by Jeffrey Moses.

 

http://www.onenessonline.com/

 

This book is short, easy to read and can serve more as reference book, than a read from cover-to-cover book. Even younger children can find things in it. Basically it pulls common principles together and shares readings from all the world's major traditions. My children each have a copy and I have overheard them in conversations with other kids defend a more universal spiritual perspective.

 

Again, welcome to the board and I hope some of this helps.

[Pariah]

I'm still a long way before I should even be thinking about having kids, but I will probably take my kids to a Unitarian Universalist church where they teach kids about all religions and about non-theistic philosophies (or so I've heard).

[Antlerman]

Basically, I don't want my kids to grow up with the fear of having only two choices, which are Christianity or torturous death for eternity. I went through a lot of mental anguish over the years because of my choice to be "non religious" even though I have strong morals. Because of the divorce my kids only see me during the summer and at some holidays and I want to be prepared for the subject to come up.

 

I hope to get the great advice I have seen in other threads, because I can really use it.

 

Thank you in advance.

Greetings GreenXero,

 

Oh boy... I'm feeling a dagger across the years of my past stabbing into my heart reading this post. Hopefully your situation is not as painful as mine was.

 

My ex and I split when my son was 3 years old. When he turned 4, she moved him 2000 miles away. She remained in Christianity, I left it. She raised him as Christian and eventually home schooled him through some evangelical Christian home school program in his latter teen years.

 

My contact with him was most via telephone, with occasional, rare visits in person. He never spoke much of religious idealism until he hit his teen years, and anything prior to that I never really challenged anything outright in his world at that age, outside of just casual, non-threatening comments such as, 'yes, that's one way to look at it...' But the rhetoric didn't begin until his teens.

 

I began challenging him as I felt he was getting more of an age to take responsibility for these sorts of things. He would call me an atheist because I challenged his group’s particular reading of the bible (at that time I still believed in God - moderately of sorts). He would say that I don't believe what God says so that makes me an atheist, etc.

 

Alas, eventually I became exactly that. Now that he is in his 20's I find myself actually wanting to argue religion with him! This does not make me happy. I have been puzzled why, here at this site dealing with fundis, or even in person, I am far more patient and insightful into what motivates them, trying to speak to the real heart of why they adopt these views, yet with my son, I want to take him to task and basically obliterate the fallacies of all his views! I can't say I'm too happy about this.

 

So the answer I think is what may be of some perhaps small value to you: I was a fundamentalist when I was his age, as he is one now. I am arguing with him with the full weight of my knowledge and experience today as though I were trying to change myself at his age. I am projecting my values on him and trying to make things different for him as I would like to do to me 20 years ago. Do I wish him to be more open minded? Yes, but am I speaking to him for my benefit, or his?

 

I'm not sure if there's anything there of value in any of that, but I just threw it out there anyway as it brought up a lot for me.

[Checkmate]

First, Welcome to the forums, GreenXero!

 

Second, here is a thread from another forum I frequent concerning a similar topic. Atheist Parents - What Do You Tell Them?. It may help, may not.

 

Third, as much as I would LOVE to offer crucial, sage advice, I can't. There are WAY too many variables involved, and we're not even remotely familiar with enough to offer good advice. How you handle things will depend largely on how truthful you are, combined with how much truth your children can handle. (How mature are they? What personality type are they? Who, in this divorce, are they attempting to please? Who do they fear? And on and on the factors go.) Of course, this is all balanced against what type of brainwashing they are receiving and how deeply it gets implanted. (What type of church is it? Fundy or Liberal? Charismatic or Conservative? Bible-based or spirit filled?)

 

I cannot tell you precisely WHAT to tell them, but the WHEN is a little easier. Tell them WHEN they are ready. When they ask questions. When the subject presents itself, don't dodge it. If religious brain washing rears it's ugly head in a way that affects relationships, then it's time for a sit down and a chat. Don't be afraid to use the Bible against them. Cognative dissonance works better on children than on adults. Kids don't like looking stupid. They are more savvy than we like to give them credit.

 

Most importantly, though, is for YOU to present a carefree and even comical attitude towards religion. Don't tense up and act afraid of the subject. Remember: your kids MAY have been told that atheists are bitter, angry and afraid of god. If they detect these emotions from you, you will have confirmed their pastor's words.

 

OK. I've said way more than I wanted, considering how little I know. Just read up on religions and Christianity and be prepared to expose the seemy underbelly if/when the time comes. You being a parent to whom they can come and question freely will score a helluva lot more credibility points with them, than with a parent and church that force feeds them info and forbids free thought.

 

Don't worry too much. Even IF your kids get brainwashed early, this forum is ample evidence that this doesn't mean it will be forever! Chin up!

[Eponymic]

Be honest, that's paramount. If they ask tell them. Make sure that you phrase it as positively as possible.

 

Certainly teaching them to think for themselves is very important.

[Lycorth]

I've pondered over this often, since I may be having kids one day, and I do think I will just raise them to think for themselves. I will not be afraid to tell them "I don't know" and will perhaps only emphasize that they avoid religions that dogmatize or claim to have a hotline to heaven or such, for these things are often abused by religions that practice them. I will not raise them to have a certain religion or another, but will be sure to raise them to not be afraid to have doubts and ask questions, as that is the only way they will avoid really getting burned by a religion.

[GreenXero]

Thank you for the responses, they give me some things to think about.

 

I think my son is quite a bit like me and is very skeptical, so my only worry for him is feeling like an outcast. That is how i felt growing up due to having different beliefs and having no one to talk to about it. I guess it is just a judgment issue as to when to talk about it. I would like for it to be something that my kids ask me about, but if I am correct about him feeling out of the loop, then my son will not ask me. He may think he is the only one that doesn't believe, which means I will need to initiate.

 

My daughter on the other hand is a complete follower and seems to take everything she is told as truth. She is a fundie's dream pupil, so I want to try and get her to think for herself. As a very logical and skeptical person I will have a lot of trouble trying to her. I think for her it could end up more like I am programming her to believe my way and then she goes home and is reprogrammed. I am not sure that the programming ping pong cycle would really be the way to go, so maybe I will talk to my son and just try to instill a little mental strength into my daughter for now.

 

Thank you Mr. Grinch for the link. They seem to be on the exact topic I was looking for.

[♦ nivek ♦]

GreenXero,

 

Several things as a parent of a 13 year o old son, raised totally sans church-help is this:

 

"Never loose the wonder Son"

 

"Don't let *them" settle any issues with pat answers and religious sounding bullshit."

 

"Cowering is for herd animals"

 

"No matter what happens, lead, there are always those who will follow."

 

"Pick your fights carefully, there is no help from on high to come rescue your ass."

 

Make sure the kids have a love of books. If they can read and understand they are ahead of the pack already.

 

Stay involved in the education processes. I am one grouchy sonofabitch when it comes to the SkuKL and what they demand. Am the parent, not them. am responsible for the Boy, never have signed off any of my duties.

 

Beastie find the time to twist the brains of the fundie/evangelicals at school.

I've not encouraged him to do so,however when he is well armed ith freethought and dis-religious information, it is almost natural for him to spar with the resident churchies..

 

Tell kids truth and allow them to think...

 

kL