In Limbo

[LosingMyReligion]

I'm a fairly recent deconvert, and for the last several weeks I've been in this limbo. Sometimes I don't even think about spirituality, but every so often I get into these really introspective/philosophical moods where I have to pause and ponder everything. Right now I feel so confused and conflicted about everything.

 

I was born and raised in the Baptist church. Infact, I've attended church every since I was a fetus. I can't remember a year of my life(except this year and last)that I haven't regularly been in church. And if I wasn't in church I was watching The Trinity Broadcast Network(TBN). However, many factors have culminated in my loss of faith.

 

About a few years ago I grew really tired of church altogether. I felt bored and unfullfilled. I assumed that it was "The Enemy(the trendy new turn for Satan, The Devil, and Beezlebub)" trying to get me to back slide. So I prayed harder, went through these fasting rituals and read the bible dilligently. My mom told me I should find a good bible based church so that I could get back on the Christian track. So I started going around visiting all kinds of churches. But I wasn't getting anything out of any of them. I was just going just to be going. I could have saved so much gas and slept in on Sunday...But I felt this insastiable need to be there just because everyone said I should.

However, issues that I've been dealing with my entire life, namely my sexuality, began to manifest them even moreso. Of course I attributed my interest in the same sex to satan and I tried to repress it even more. But at this point the more I tried the more of a burden it become. I finally just said, "Screw it I'm gay..." And it has been a load off my mind. Infact, I felt free...And I was always told that by accepting Jesus and leading a sin free life I would be at peace.

I went through this period(just over a month ago)where I tried to be a "gay christian" just to hang on. But I knew that it wasn't possible. The more I read the bible I realized that the god inside of it hated me just because of something I can't change. If god is so full of love and compassion why did he damn me from the cradle?

With that I let go of Christianity and now I am trying to navigate this weird path in my life...

 

I am so afraid right now. I'm afraid now that I have given up on everything that was programmed into me. It's like being inside this cozy little nest where everything and everyone is the same...And then realizing that there is a whole other world out there, literally and figuratively. I always thought I would be a Christian and lead the perfect "Christian life" just like Kirk Cameron and Chelsea Noble on TBN do.

Now I don't know what the hell I believe in or even if I still believe in anything, and it scares the living crap out of me.

I left the church behind, for my own well being, as a man finally coming to terms with his true self...And now I sometimes feel like I miss it. Before I converted to Christianity I was in a huge depression...And when I accepted Christ into my life I came alive. But, now, in hindsight I realize that it was the love and acceptance people showed me. At that point I had no friends and no closeness with my family(except my mom), and when I converted everyone embraced. My mom was so proud of me, and even the deacons and minister(who turned out to be a child molester) welcomed me with open arms. When you are a rejected and outcast teenager acceptance works miracles for your self esteem...And sometimes it even felt trendy to believe in Jesus. People had their "Jesus Freak" t-shirts and bumper stickers...They listened to Christian Rock Bands(and oxymoron if I ever saw one) and everything.

In that lifestyle you feel like you are really apart of something...I had been having questions, doubts, and fears the entire time but atleast I fit in somewhere.

 

Now I feel like part of my identity is missing. I used to wear the word CHRISTIAN like a name badge. Now, I don't even identify with it anymore. And sometimes I feel like I'm being sacrelige leaving it behind.

And on the other end I am so afraid that I may become an athiest or something. Growing up I was taught that athiesm was eeeevil and of satan and blah, blah, blah...I no longer believe that, but belief in there being more out there is so intrinsic to me. I just don't want to believe that it is all over when you die. Grant it, I no longer believe in the fairy tale of a heaven where you just sing hymns for all eternity...But it is hard for me to wrap my brain around the concept of there being absolutely nothing. However, I am allowing myself to actually think that this could be IT. What if there really is nothing?

But I believe in reincarnation, past lives, intelligent life outside of Earth, spirits, angels, and etc...But I am not certain of which diety is out there.

I guess it is in mankind's nature to question his origins? Perhaps evolutionary theories are not as romantic as a god who made us in his image? I happen to think that evolution is a beautiful thing. We are a natural part of this Earth, just like every other living thing around us.

I'm an aspiring Fantasy/Science Fiction writer so I've always been pretty imaginative...And I've always thought that, perhaps, just like I write my stories the bible writers could have written a really good story too.

Maybe "god" is energy? Maybe it was energy that created everything?

 

Sometimes I feel a bit of bitterness and resentment. It feels like I've been mind fucked my entire life. Everyone around me sold me a bag of goods and I didn't have a real choice.

 

I come from an African American background, and I'm anti Christianity because of the way it was used to hold people of my background back for hundreds of years...Yet, it is such a pervasive and dominant part of the culture. I sometimes can't believe how my family members hold so strongly too it. They literally think everyone is going to die and goto hell, except them. I literally feel like a stranger in a foreign land around my loved ones now. Everyone is hetero and Christian...And I'm the complete antithesis. Grant it, my cousin in Canada is gay but of course him and his husband are both "Gay Christians."

 

I'm in my mid 20's and I always thought I would have it together at this point of my life. But sometimes I still feel like a teenager with this angsty bull shit.

 

How did you cope with the transition from Christianity? Am I in a gradual process to agnosticism? I always said that I would never stop praising the lord Jesus Christ...And now I'm becoming a regular member on this website. So I can never say never again(Well, I just said never three times).

[Taphophilia]

Hi LMR,

 

It sounds like you are going through the process. The more you learn and understand about yourself and where you fit into your life, the better things will get.

 

You don't have to be anything. It's all right to not know what is out there. It's all right to make speculations, change the way you think about god, the universe, as often as you want.

 

It's all right to think. Christianity takes thinking away and tells you what to believe and how to believe. Now, you have to do it by yourself. That's the hard part.

 

Taph

[Mythra]

But it is hard for me to wrap my brain around the concept of there being absolutely nothing. However, I am allowing myself to actually think that this could be IT. What if there really is nothing?

 

This was a shock for me too when I began to give up on the idea of Heaven. The more I thought about it, the less it bothered me. Now, I take it for granted that I shall cease to exist one of these days. And it's fine.

 

Look at it this way. You've already been dead. For billions of years. Up until twenty something years ago - you were dead.

 

Did it bother you? Was it a problem?

 

You share a common end with all other living things on the face of the earth. You're in good company.

 

Of course, I'm an atheist. I have no use for any religion or idea of an afterlife. Not everyone on this site feels the same way. And I have enormous respect for some people on this site who are not atheists.

 

Even if I do think they're out to lunch.

[The Sage Nabooru]

My personal opinion stays the same, that one should NEVER, EVER, EVER let anyone else influence him.

 

Only you know what is right for you. Don't ask others what you should do, be they Muslims or Atheists or whatever. Read up on other religions yourself. If you find one that fits you, great. If not, seek your own path. Experiment, find what works for you. Not what works for someone else. That's what got you into this mess in the first place.

[qadeshet]

Your reaction is perfectly normal. Many of us experienced something similar. The Christian version of "Reality" can be comforting. The Church tells you what to think and believe so you don't have to think for yourself. Now you're on your own with no direction home. Explore your newfound freedom. Your journey is just beginning.

[LosingMyReligion]

Thank you all. I didn't mean to come off like some whiney wet blanket...But sometimes I just have those days where I really stop and think about it.

 

This religion has been the basis of my life my entire life...And the process of letting go of it all is a bit frightening.

 

Now I am going through this process of learning to believe in and depend on myself. I've never done that before. Everytime I did anything I would pray and hope that everything would be okay. However, I know that I could walk out and be struck by a bolt of lightning and be dead...even if I did pray that morning.

 

I really do feel cheated sometimes. I hold no ill will or resentment to my mother. She is a very religious woman and she did the best with me that she knew how...But now I am growing up and I have to deal with it.

 

Perhaps there is a heaven...and perhaps there is Nothing at all. I'm open to both possibilities. I still consider myself a moral person who wants the betterment of himself and the rest of society.

 

I guess I need to just be free of it for a while...all religions. It really does feel like I've been duped.

I admire Jesus the man for his principles of love and forgiveness...But the elevation of him to superhuman status mind fucked me big time.

 

Anyway, thank you all again. It just helps to spill your guts sometimes.