I'm Living A Double Life

[Rosa Mystica]

Okay, so most people here probably know that I am a recent deconvert (deconvert in the making?) from Catholicism. I acknowledged in January that I likely did not believe in Christianity anymore, but that I still believed in a God of some kind. Since I discovered this, I have been in utter turmoil- for many reasons. One of the reasons is that my family does not know that I no longer share their beliefs. I cannot bring myself to tell them. My family is very abusive and prejudiced- any non-Catholic is seen as sub-human in my parents' eyes (esp. in my father's). He says that everyone who is non-Catholic is a pagan- including Protestant Christians! I am afraid to come clean about my disbelief in part b/c I'm scared my father will physically hurt me for it. I escaped from his abusive home almost two years ago, and am not financially dependent on either him or my mother (or anyone else but me, for that matter). That being said, he knows where I live, and I'm scared he'll come after me. He is an asshole who smacked me around in childhood, and has threatened my mother with death on a few occasions (and Christianity says to forgive- ha!).

 

I live a double life mostly by keeping my beliefs a secret, and attending Mass every once in a while. I attend church every so often, b/c my fucking parents keep asking about it all the freaking time! They are extremely nosy, and are unsatisfied unless they know every detail of my life. I'm not good at lying, so even if I lied about going to church, they would see right through it. In Catholicism, it is considered seriously wrong to miss Mass without a good reason. This is why my folks would flip out on me if they knew that I usually did not attend.

 

Did I mention that my mother works in the same building as me?! She does (albeit in a different department than me). This gives her the opportunity to butt into my business even more so than she could if we weren't in the same building. It's like there's no escape from her. I can't cut off contact, b/c she could easily find where I am. There's just no hiding from her- she'll always find me.

 

Now that I've finished ranting, I'm going to ask a question: should I continue pretending to be Catholic for my parents' sake? There is a safety issue b/c of past abuse. There's also the screwed up working arrangement that I have to deal with. Considering these circumstances, is honesty asking for trouble? I sometimes think it could be, as my family could easily trigger me. But hiding the person I am is tearing me up inside. It hurts more than I can even begin to describe. I spend many days sobbing over this.

 

I acknowledge that one day I *may* believe again. But, I don't want the beliefs to be forced by my family.

 

I don't know how to handle this, or what I should do to help myself. Please advise me- if you can.

 

Rosa

[jrmarlin]

While I empathsize for you in your position, the long short of it is, you will have to determine what you think your family and friends will handle balanced against how you feel about talking to them about your other life. None of us know your parents or you very well -- certainly not well enough to advise. Some of us have had a plethora of problems as a result of disclosure and some of us have not. The only one who can think through and judge the situation is you. This is the hard part. The thinking for yourself that often accompanies not believeing in crutches as before.

 

I wish I could give you some more meaningful advice but I really do take giving advice with a sense of responsibility and not knowing your circumstance in any intimate detail, I am at a loss as to how to advise you. But do know, my thoughts are with you and I wish you the best of luck regardless of your decision.

 

And just because you may or may not tell them now, does by no means mean you can't wait until a more auspicious time in the future to break the news. Whatever you decide will be the right decision for right now!

 

Good luck to you!

[Rosa Mystica]

Hi jmarlin,

 

Thanks for the response. It's not easy to be where I'm at. I tend to agree with your point about putting off telling them. Heh, that's kind of what I've been doing for the past couple of months. I know one person advised me to put off telling them until I have some more security in my new system of beliefs (and once I actually figure out what I *do* believe). This hasn't happened yet, so perhaps I will choose to wait a while longer still.

 

Thanks again.

 

Rosa

[pandora]

I tend to think that is it wise to wait to tell abnormally freaky family members until you do know what you believe. My husband told his mom when he "didn't know what to believe" and he got bombarded with phone calls, books, and other such bullshit. Now that he claims athiesm, they have cooled down a bit (sounds backwards, I know...)

 

It sounds like it could be worse for you, so while some on here say someone must be "out" to everyone as soon as they make the decision, I don't thijnk that is the best thing to do when one has psycho family members.

 

Peace to you, Rosa. Hang in there.

 

Oh, and I forgot to say that you will probably never figure out what you do believe. Some people do, but I tend to think that kind of faith is like a rebound relationship. Once you figure out you believe in *something* you can tell them that... I don't mean that you should have a whole big system worked out or anything.

[Taphophilia]

You don't need to tell them anything one way or the other, I put beliefs in the none of your business catagory (unless you choose to share that info) and let them think what they want. It sounds like your parents are control freaks who insist on controling your life even though you are an adult. Have you considered counseling to deal with all the issues associated with the type of family you had endure and help you set some healthy boundries?

 

Taph

[Rosa Mystica]

You don't need to tell them anything one way or the other, I put beliefs in the none of your business catagory (unless you choose to share that info) and let them think what they want. It sounds like your parents are control freaks who insist on controling your life even though you are an adult. Have you considered counseling to deal with all the issues associated with the type of family you had endure and help you set some healthy boundries?

 

Taph

 

Hi Taph,

 

I'm in counselling at the moment, actually. Re: boundaries: I *have* been avoiding my family more- despite my mother's whining that I don't contact her regularly. Uh, I'm not going to do that, you negligent mother, you! You didn't help me when I was getting abused. Why should I give a damn about what you think.

 

I *have* considered cutting the idiots out of my life, but am worried that I'll lose my relationship with my sister if I do. Of course, she usually sides with my father over me (despite the fact that he has a greater hold over her than he does me). Maybe she's not worth it either.

 

*Sigh*. I hate this...

[BigToe]

I am really sorry to hear you are in this predicament. It is kinda funny, when I was in my Baptist church going days, my mom didn't believe anything. Now that I don't, she's always talking about God this or God that. I've not told anyone in my family either, not because I'm scared, but because it hasn't dawned on me that I ought to. However, given what you've said about your family, I could understand it not being the same way.

 

If you are afraid of being hurt from the fallout of it all, perhaps you could get to where that wouldn't be a possibility (physically speaking) before you tell them?

 

*hug*

[qadeshet]

I don't recommend lying, but there is no need to broadcast your de-conversion to the world. Minding your own business is always a good policy. If asked directly, just be honest.

[Rosa Mystica]

I am really sorry to hear you are in this predicament. It is kinda funny, when I was in my Baptist church going days, my mom didn't believe anything. Now that I don't, she's always talking about God this or God that. I've not told anyone in my family either, not because I'm scared, but because it hasn't dawned on me that I ought to. However, given what you've said about your family, I could understand it not being the same way.

 

If you are afraid of being hurt from the fallout of it all, perhaps you could get to where that wouldn't be a possibility (physically speaking) before you tell them?

 

*hug*

 

BigToe,

 

I have actually written a letter to my family stating my loss of faith. I figure that I can e-mail it to them, and then just screen any phone calls I get from them (thank goodness for caller ID!). Trouble is, I'm too scared to send it! I realize that it's much easier to do this then tell them in person (something I won't do for my safety's sake).

 

I suppose that eventually, I will muster up enough bravery to send it. That day is not today, though. Still, my counsellor thinks I wrote a very eloquent and respectful sounding letter- and that perhaps I oughta send it. I'm gonna talk the matter over with her some more and see what she thinks.

 

Rosa

 

I don't recommend lying, but there is no need to broadcast your de-conversion to the world. Minding your own business is always a good policy. If asked directly, just be honest.

 

You're right, you know. You're absolutely right. I *want* to be able to do this. I just don't know if I'll have the courage to do so. Thanks to my mother's manipulative guilt trip tactics, I'm afraid the news could make her very sick- or worse. She's always using the "You don't know how long I have to live" line on me.

 

But you're right. Lying is *not* a good thing to do. I need to do the right thing- no matter how difficult it may be.

[BigToe]

Hey, just writing the letter, even if you don't intend to send it, is good practice. And to have a counselor you feel comfortable talking about all this with is great as well. From what you have said, I agree that not telling your family in person sounds like the safest way. I think you'll know when you need to tell them. And you are the only one who gets to make that choice. It is on your timing and no one else's. Just try not to compromise who you are in the meantime. *hug*

[All Gods Fail]

Just to second it, I say there's no reason to tell your family now. Maybe not ever. There's no law that says you have to disclose your personal spiritual beliefs to anyone.

 

Of course, it depends on what's best for you - but it sounds a little rushed. Maybe a few more months might give you a little more perspective. Hang on to that letter for a little while, maybe.

[Godless Dave]

 

I wish I could give you some more meaningful advice but I really do take giving advice with a sense of responsibility and not knowing your circumstance in any intimate detail, I am at a loss as to how to advise you. But do know, my thoughts are with you and I wish you the best of luck regardless of your decision.

 

This is off-topic, but I would like to take this opportunity to commend you, jmarlin, for spelling both "advice" and "advise" correctly, elevating you to the top 2% of spelling ability for internet posters.

 

As to the OP: I don't see any reason to make an announcement to your family. There are two possibile courses of action I can see when they ask you if you've gone to Mass: lie and say "yes", or say "no" but don't give an explanation.

[gliph]

Rosa -

 

I think you are right not to tell them. Especially with the history of abuse. I have not told my family either, and really consider it for their benefit. As some of the previous posters have mentioned the bombardment and harassment from the xtian family members once they announce they are no longer seaking "the true god" can be bothersome and sounds like it could be dangerous in your case. In my situation I decided that I know it would hurt them on a personal and spiritual level and they don't need that. Xtianity has messed them up enough as it is, you know?

 

 

-Gliph

[godlessgrrl]

Hmm. Here's what I think.

 

Let's just set aside the religious aspect of things for a moment, and look at your family for who and what they are, as you've reported them: controlling, abusive, angry, potentially violent people.

 

Step aside from the fact that they're your family for a moment, too. That can be distracting, because I think we'll cut our families a lot more behavioral slack than we would a stranger. What I hope you'll pick up is that it can help to just understand the reality of the situation: that your family is unhealthy, poses a potential danger to yourself, and is likely going to be that way no matter what you do. The Catholicism is merely a surface detail, a tool they use to justify and exercise the way they treat you.

 

That said, I have a couple of suggestions.

 

One is - if you're afraid of them, then I think you are perfectly justified in doing whatever you have to do in order to protect yourself from their wrath. So if you have to, lie. Yup - lie to them. Lie to them about your religion, your beliefs, the color of the sky, whatever. If it helps protect you, go right ahead. It may not be one of your usual values, but I'm a firm believer that your first duty is to yourself and to the preservation of your safety and your sanity. So I think it's okay to fake it until you can get some more distance between you and them.

 

Once you do, though, the next bit of advice (or info, or whatever) is that it's very, very liberating to realize that you don't have to live according to their expectations anymore.

 

I mean this is something that I think is true of everybody, really - as people grow up there comes a point where they have to differentiate from family and become more independent, which probably involves ditching a lot of expectations anyway. But for abusive families the ball game's a little different, I think.

 

I come from a family where, among other things, my mother was extremely critical. To this day I am sure she regards me as mostly a colossal disappointment, and it used to bother the hell out of me. Until at some point in my 20's I realized that she was going to treat me like subhuman crap no matter how perfect I was. In fact, god himself wouldn't have been perfect enough for her. So I reasoned that if she was going to treat me like that no matter what I did, then I might as well do whatever the hell I felt like. Because I really had nothing to lose.

 

So maybe when you're safer and have more space between you and your scary parents, that might be the time to take a deep breath and just really be who you are and really be honest about what you believe.

 

Bleah, and I just realized it's like 2:30 AM, and I've probably been rambling, and it's time for me to sleep.

 

Good luck, in any case.

[Amethyst]

It sounds like your parents are being very controlling. I don't know for sure if they are, but that's how the first post comes across.

 

You are an adult, from what it sounds like. You have a right to live your life the way you want to. Your parents should not be controlling you when you are an adult, especially if you don't live at home. That's an unhealthy relationship.

 

If they are being controlling, the only way you're going to be able to have the kind of life you want is to move away from them to where they can't reach you easily and get a new job in a building where neither of your parents work. Since you said you were phyiscally abused when you were young, I highly suggest getting professional therapy. At the very least, you should probably join a support group for those who were physically abused.

 

I'm not saying cut off all contact. But you can make the contact less easy for them. Don't answer the phone when they call, or say you will only be around at certain times because of your job. Don't respond to every single one of their e-mails. If they want to talk about religion, just say you're busy with work and can't talk to them. You have to take the initiative and stand up to them. It's up to you.

[Cat]

Hey Rosa!

I'm sorry things are still so difficult, but I was thinking a bit about your parents. You've been brought up with the mindset that your parents have certain rights over you and you have a responsibility to them to let them into your life, even when it goes against the grain, like your father being so abusive. That type of programming is hard to break and it produces a lot of "should" thoughts and feelings- I should tell them, I should keep in contact with them. I do this ALL the time...

Whereas the truth is different. Parents do not have rights over you, only privileges you give them and you are the one to decide whether or not they have earned any. And from what you say you have a father who abused you and a mother who for one reason or another did not stop it from happening.

I think if you try and see it like this and discuss it with your counsellor, maybe you can try and decide not what you should do, but what you want to do and what will be best for you...

Thinking of you

*hugs*

Cat

[spamandham]

Now that I've finished ranting, I'm going to ask a question: should I continue pretending to be Catholic for my parents' sake? There is a safety issue b/c of past abuse. yself. Please advise me- if you can.

 

Rosa

 

Yes!!! Fake it if your safety is at stake.

 

Rosa, please, better yourself in whatever way necessary to get out of this situation! If you are old enough to move out, find a way to do it! Move as far away as you can.

[Rosa Mystica]

 

Yes!!! Fake it if your safety is at stake.

 

Rosa, please, better yourself in whatever way necessary to get out of this situation! If you are old enough to move out, find a way to do it! Move as far away as you can.

 

I *do* live on my own. Have been on my own for almost 2 years now. Still, I'm afraid my father will show up at my residence and do God knows what to me if I tell him the truth. I'd never be stupid enough to let him in if I was alone or anything like that. And I *would* call the police if I believed he had plans to assault me at a certain point in time. Plus, my sweetie said that he would not hesitate to use physical force against my father if it was for the purpose of defending me (he's not a violent man, but is willing to do what it takes to defend me).

 

I keep telling myself: I'm safe. He can't hurt me anymore, b/c I don't live with him. But I'm still afraid, kwim?

[Lycorth]

I also agree that your beliefs are your own business and there's no need to tell a soul or justify a thing you believe in. I could say that I honestly believe in Svarog, Perun, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but I don't have to say a word in defense of what I believe in. Why? Because it doesn't hurt anyone or anything if you keep it all a secret. The only thing it does is leave the curiosity of the nosy unsatisfied, and that bugs such people to no end. But it doesn't hurt you or them in actual fact, so never ever feel bad about concealing personal beliefs. In the end, it's no one's business anyway. Having beliefs of your own isn't a crime nor is it unethical, and neither is the decision to conceal them.

 

If you have to lie to protect your safety or sanity, then do it. There's no Hell of unending torment waiting for you if you don't wave your beliefs around like a flag, or if you have to be deceptive to sheild yourself from other people's mistreatment. You don't endanger yourself one bit to lie about it if you have to, and if your folks are the sort who wil get ugly with you about it, it may be best that you keep it a secret. Like gwennie said, you've got to look out for Number One, especially because your parents won't. Unless and until they magically become more tolerant and seem like they'd be ready to listen, don't waste your time or bring needless pain on yourself.

 

I wish I could be open with my folks. They are not manipulative at all, but would be too confused and even hurt by my lack of acceptance of the family religion. So, to save all of us pain, I am still keeping my beliefs a secret. I act like I go to Mass, but just pop in to grab a church bulletin for my mother and go have a nice walk or a donut and coffee instead. But you may not be that lucky. Use the time in church to think and meditate on your beliefs and why you think them - let the atmosphere of the church have the opposite effect on you, if you can, and help in some small way to strengthen your own beliefs and not someone elses'. I wish I could be open with my parents, because living a lie is tough work, but what's best must be done, not what I'd like most.

 

I wish you the very best in all this, and hope you can indeed look out for Number One successfully.

[Rosa Mystica]

Varokhar,

 

Thanks for the kind response. I guess one concern I have is this: what if I one day convert to another religion and do formalized worship and all? Right now, I don't really have a religion, but a belief system only (theistic seeker-ism is NOT a religion!). I don't know if I ever will be religious again, but I acknowledge the possibility. If I'm formally worshipping in another system, I don't see how it could be feasible to keep attending a Catholic Mass (except for maybe very occasionally) Another thing: what if I get married one day and have a family? I'm in a serious relationship, so this may happen even in a couple of years from now. If I have a child and I don't raise him/her Catholic, then my parents *will* find out. No way of hiding something like that.

 

Here is the ugly truth: they will have to find out *eventually*. I agree that not telling them at all is the best thing, but in my case, that just won't work in the long term. Of course, if I *do* send the letter I was talking about earlier, then I will do everything in my power to avoid contact with them. Who knows- they may want nothing to do with me upon finding out. And that, quite frankly, is fine with me.

 

I'll figure something out. I absolutely refuse to keep altering my life so that I can put up a front for them. I'll do it somehow- when the time is right, and I'm more secure in my beliefs.

 

Rosa

I also agree that your beliefs are your own business and there's no need to tell a soul or justify a thing you believe in. I could say that I honestly believe in Svarog, Perun, or the Flying Spaghetti Monster, but I don't have to say a word in defense of what I believe in. Why? Because it doesn't hurt anyone or anything if you keep it all a secret. The only thing it does is leave the curiosity of the nosy unsatisfied, and that bugs such people to no end. But it doesn't hurt you or them in actual fact, so never ever feel bad about concealing personal beliefs. In the end, it's no one's business anyway. Having beliefs of your own isn't a crime nor is it unethical, and neither is the decision to conceal them.

 

If you have to lie to protect your safety or sanity, then do it. There's no Hell of unending torment waiting for you if you don't wave your beliefs around like a flag, or if you have to be deceptive to sheild yourself from other people's mistreatment. You don't endanger yourself one bit to lie about it if you have to, and if your folks are the sort who wil get ugly with you about it, it may be best that you keep it a secret. Like gwennie said, you've got to look out for Number One, especially because your parents won't. Unless and until they magically become more tolerant and seem like they'd be ready to listen, don't waste your time or bring needless pain on yourself.

 

I wish I could be open with my folks. They are not manipulative at all, but would be too confused and even hurt by my lack of acceptance of the family religion. So, to save all of us pain, I am still keeping my beliefs a secret. I act like I go to Mass, but just pop in to grab a church bulletin for my mother and go have a nice walk or a donut and coffee instead. But you may not be that lucky. Use the time in church to think and meditate on your beliefs and why you think them - let the atmosphere of the church have the opposite effect on you, if you can, and help in some small way to strengthen your own beliefs and not someone elses'. I wish I could be open with my parents, because living a lie is tough work, but what's best must be done, not what I'd like most.

 

I wish you the very best in all this, and hope you can indeed look out for Number One successfully.

[Lycorth]

That's the best thing to do, Rosa. Be true to yourself, look out for Number One, and when the time is right (if it ever is), you'll know what to do. If you have faith in anything, have faith in that.

 

If you do decide on another religion with more formalized worship, again, you'll know when the time is right to come out of the closet, drop churchgoing, and declare yourself. I am still very much exploring my Slavic and Germanic pagan roots, and forsee myself adopting much of the religion someday - there is much of it I adopt now. But the time is not yet right for me, for a number of reasons, and there is no Slavic pagan Hell or any Hell waiting for me if I don't make a big to-do out of it right now. I'm in charge of my own destiny, and of when and how I say or reveal anything - and so are you.

 

You'll know when it's time to say something. Till then, take refuge in the sacred soil of your soul and let yourself heal and grow naturally. In the end, it may be best that way

[spamandham]

I'm in a serious relationship, so this may happen even in a couple of years from now. If I have a child and I don't raise him/her Catholic, then my parents *will* find out. No way of hiding something like that.

 

You could break the news in a public setting (while your out at dinner) the way some people break up. It might be easier if you claim to be switching to Episcopal, maybe because of all the priest pedophilia scandals. Later you could say you've switched to Lutheran, then Methodist then Unitarian. By then they will have been worn down.

[Open_Minded]

Here is the ugly truth: they will have to find out *eventually*. I agree that not telling them at all is the best thing, but in my case, that just won't work in the long term. Of course, if I *do* send the letter I was talking about earlier, then I will do everything in my power to avoid contact with them. Who knows- they may want nothing to do with me upon finding out. And that, quite frankly, is fine with me.

 

I'll figure something out. I absolutely refuse to keep altering my life so that I can put up a front for them. I'll do it somehow- when the time is right, and I'm more secure in my beliefs.

 

Rosa ... just a quick post to tell you that you are doing an admirable job working the problem. You really are.

1. You're seeking support and advice
   
2. You know the decision is yours alone to make and accept responsibility for that
   
3. You're looking at all the angles
   

You'll figure it out - and find a productive way to deal with the situation - I trust that. You're right to not alter your life for the sake of keeping up a front. Everyone here has given such wonderful advice. My only input would be to not be too hard on yourself in the process. You're doing the best you can.

 

I remember when my folks left the Catholic church. It was easier on my father (as far as family goes). His family didn't make a big deal out of it. They were upset - but they did not allow the situation to separate them from my father. Mom, on the other hand, really had struggles with her family. It took her a lot longer to tell her mother. And during that time - so much of the struggle was the way she felt about herself and her relationship with her mother.

 

It's really important not to dump on yourself as you work through the problem. You are doing the best you can, and better than many. Many people would not handle things as productively as you are. IMHO anyway.

[Rosa Mystica]

 

You could break the news in a public setting (while your out at dinner) the way some people break up. It might be easier if you claim to be switching to Episcopal, maybe because of all the priest pedophilia scandals. Later you could say you've switched to Lutheran, then Methodist then Unitarian. By then they will have been worn down.

 

That's a good idea, actually. Either that or e-mail the letter...and realize that e-mailing it may mean never seeing my folks again (for at least a while). Hmmm...this might actually be my ticket to freedom.

 

Here is the ugly truth: they will have to find out *eventually*. I agree that not telling them at all is the best thing, but in my case, that just won't work in the long term. Of course, if I *do* send the letter I was talking about earlier, then I will do everything in my power to avoid contact with them. Who knows- they may want nothing to do with me upon finding out. And that, quite frankly, is fine with me.

 

I'll figure something out. I absolutely refuse to keep altering my life so that I can put up a front for them. I'll do it somehow- when the time is right, and I'm more secure in my beliefs.

 

Rosa ... just a quick post to tell you that you are doing an admirable job working the problem. You really are.

1. You're seeking support and advice
   
2. You know the decision is yours alone to make and accept responsibility for that
   
3. You're looking at all the angles
   

You'll figure it out - and find a productive way to deal with the situation - I trust that. You're right to not alter your life for the sake of keeping up a front. Everyone here has given such wonderful advice. My only input would be to not be too hard on yourself in the process. You're doing the best you can.

 

I remember when my folks left the Catholic church. It was easier on my father (as far as family goes). His family didn't make a big deal out of it. They were upset - but they did not allow the situation to separate them from my father. Mom, on the other hand, really had struggles with her family. It took her a lot longer to tell her mother. And during that time - so much of the struggle was the way she felt about herself and her relationship with her mother.

 

It's really important not to dump on yourself as you work through the problem. You are doing the best you can, and better than many. Many people would not handle things as productively as you are. IMHO anyway.

 

 

Thanks, Open_Minded. Your confidence in me is a huge help.