Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus

[snookums]

Are Your Cats Old Enough To Learn About Jesus?

 

February 28, 2006 | Issue 42•09

 

People often ask me when they should teach the Good News to their housecats. I have but one answer: "What are you waiting for?"

 

A pet is a beloved part of your family, and as a Christian, you should do everything you can to guarantee that this valued member of your family receives the glorious eternal reward for which Christ gave His very life. Think of the alternative: your cat mired in darkness for eternity because you put off a 10-minute conversation.

 

My own cats accepted Jesus into their hearts before they even opened their eyes. The light of salvation has brightened their lives, but perhaps the most noticeable change has been in me. I am filled with warmth knowing their eternal souls have been saved.

 

Kittens' hearts, at birth, are filled with what theologians call "original mischief." Mischief, if left to grow on its own, can sprout into evil. That's why you must fill their hearts with Jesus instead. If you wait, your cats might find seductive role models among the back-alley strays and rough felines from the wrong side of town. You could also end up with an unwanted pregnancy.

 

That's why it's so very, very important to tell your cats about the life, crucifixion, and resurrection of Jesus as early as possible. The Nicene Creed is a good place to start: Recite it to them when they are about 10 weeks old.

 

Remember: If you give a cat a fish, it eats for a day. If you teach a cat to fish, it eats for a lifetime. Perhaps that's not such a good proverb to use in this case, since fishing is actually instinctual in cats. But Jesus is not. Your kitties need to know early on that there is a fisher of men and cats alike who can save their souls.

 

A lot of people say, "Oh, but Whiskers doesn't even answer to his name yet." They raise a good point: Sometimes you have to teach your cat at its own level. If you give your cat a rubber Jesus to play with, it will sense that there's more to this toy. If you give it a scratching cross, it will contemplate Christ's love and ultimate sacrifice while it stretches and sharpens its claws. I myself have put an image of Jesus at the bottom of my cats' food bowls. That way, when they finish their food, the face of He who provided it is revealed unto them.

 

Teaching your cats the Gospel of Christ isn't just important for their eternal souls, it is also the only way to ensure that they know an eternity of damnation awaits them if they scratch your favorite chair. Before they cough up a hairball on the rug or leave a dead mouse on the doorstep, they'll know—without being scolded—that they had better watch it, as a Final Judgment awaits at the hands of the Lord.

 

Of course, once your cat has accepted the Lord in its heart, it's ready to be baptized. The righteous cat is one that is born again in the eyes of the Lord. People think that baptism is a rite that requires a fancy baptismal font and a preacher, but that's simply not true. Just fill your bathtub with water, say a little invocation over it, ask your cat if it rejects Satan and all his evil, and then dunk it. Make sure it is fully immersed, in accordance with Scripture.

 

So now, all you have to do is choose your cat's baptismal name. My cats' birth names were Meowser, Fluff, and Mr. Boots, but their baptismal names are Ezekiel, Caleb, and Mr. Paws.

 

Remember, a cat may have nine lives, but it only has one eternal soul. We all must one day appear before the Holy Seat Of Judgment, and although my Oliver and Lady Twinkles passed on long ago from this vale of tears, I take solace in the knowledge that, when the time comes for me to receive the ecstasies of Heaven, all of my housecats will be waiting to spend eternity on my lap.

 

And don't get your cats vaccinated, either. The Lord will provide protection from feline leukemia.

 

source - the onion

[Ro-bear]

These instructions are intended for bathing a cat, but I think they would require little modification to work for baptism as well:

 

1.Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I found to be quite effective.

5. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside where he will dry himself.

 

Unfortunately, this only works ONCE, since cats are smarter than dogs and most people. So it actually may be more practical for baptism than bathing. Cats are pretty clean creatures anyway.

[Biggles7268]

My cats' birth names were Meowser, Fluff, and Mr. Boots, but their baptismal names are Ezekiel, Caleb, and Mr. Paws.

 

BWAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[jrmarlin]

That was too funny. What a scream!

 

I like these Onion stories. They rock.

[pandora]

Original mischief... I love it! I know this is a fact. No kitties are born without original mischief. It is not learned behaviour... even kittens who were raised by Christians from the moment they have been born have original mischief.

 

RoBear I think I'll have to try that method on my cats. Seriously. I'm sick of getting scratches from the cats of mine that aren't docile enough to just handle being put into the dark depths of bath water.

[Angel]

Ohhhh I get it..... my one cat is always into mischief, did not realize it was my fault! I never shared the gospel with her! OH NO!!!! Her precious little kitty blood will be on my hands!!!! LOLOL

 

What a riot! Thanks for sharing!

[Guest Pagan Chris]

Here is another good one from this week's Onion:

 

Poverty-Stricken Africans Receive Desperately Needed Bibles

March 13, 2006 | Issue 42•11

 

MARADI, NIGER—More than 60,000 urgently needed Bibles arrived to allay suffering throughout the famine-stricken nation of Niger Friday, in one of the largest humanitarian-relief operations ever attempted by a Christian ministry.

 

 

Africans gather in hopes of receiving the Bibles they have hoped for.

"Come rejoice, and feast upon the word of Our Lord, Jesus Christ," said Christina Clarkson, executive director of the Living Light Ministries of Lubbock, TX. "Those who were hungry, hunger no more, for the Word brings life."

 

An exuberant Clarkson said the Bible drop was the culmination of one of the largest and most aggressive grassroots fundraising drives ever undertaken by the organization, which was able to fund the mission largely through local charitable events, such as bake-offs, barbecues, and pie-eating contests.

 

"We absolutely would not be here today if it were not for the amazing generosity of the people back home," Clarkson said. "People everywhere opened up their hearts and checkbooks to us and said, 'Dig in.'"

 

Niger, ranked as the second-poorest nation on Earth, is experiencing its worst famine in more than 20 years, as a brutal drought last year was followed by a plague of crop-destroying locusts. An estimated 3.5 million of Niger's 12 million people are currently at risk of starvation.

 

"That's why it was so important for this mission to happen right now," said Clarkson. "So many people here are suffering. Disease, starvation, and lack of shelter are day-to-day realities in Niger. But once they hear the Good News of Jesus Christ and accept Him as their Lord and Savior—once they really take Him into their hearts—then they will see what poor comforts are the things of this world."

 

Due to the tireless efforts of Clarkson and other members of the congregation, the ministry was able to provide the needy with Bibles superior to the ones they use in their own church services.

 

"Handcrafted, genuine leather—best money can buy," said 61-year-old missionary Don Kostic as he ran his hand along the book's ornately embossed spine. "It's like my wife back home says: Nothing is too good for people who are ready to receive the Living Word of Christ."

 

Although the fundraising efforts were unprecedented, congregation members said Living Light would never have succeeded had they not obtained the generous support of an array of corporate sponsors, including Applebee's and Church's Fried Chicken.

 

"We spent so much money just to get here," Kostic continued. "After we had all the Bibles engraved, we still had to charter the plane. When we landed in Niamey, we could barely even afford ground transportation."

 

Undaunted, the missionaries purchased the best vehicle they could find, which turned out to be a used bread truck. "That old thing!" recalled Kostic, laughing. "We must've scrubbed it down a hundred times. You couldn't get the smell of freshly baked, vitamin-fortified bread out of it if your life depended on it."

 

Reaction among Niger residents has been mixed.

 

Moussa Yaouli, a 35-year-old farmer, was particularly interested to learn more about the doctrine of transubstantiation, which Living Light personnel told him involved the eating of wafers. "It is said to be a big wafer. I am sure it will feed many of my children."

 

 

Moussa Yaouli derives spiritual nourishment from his handcrafted leather Bible.

Though "spiritually gratified" by their work, many of the missionaries spoke about the difficulties of working in an impoverished country.

 

"It can be so hard being away from the comfort of our homes and our loving families," Clarkson confided. "I will admit, there have been times when I prayed, 'Lord, just help me get through this mission and get me back to Texas!' But when we rolled into town and people started running after the truck with those big smiles on their faces, I couldn't help but smile back."

 

Clarkson added: "And when we opened up the back of the truck and they saw that it was full of Bibles... Grown men and women wept in front of their children. That's how moved they were by the Holy Spirit. That's how I know it's all been worth it."

 

Clarkson said her mission will succeed in bringing the people of Niger "the spiritual sustenance they've been deprived of," despite such obstacles as the nation's 18 percent literacy rate.

 

"You say you're suffering. I say, let the good Lord do the suffering for you," she said. "You say you're exhibiting the deleterious effects of severe dehydration and chronic malnutrition. And I say that no matter what ails you, the Holy Bible is the best medicine there is."

 

The Onion

[Angel]

I read that one too.... scary thing about it is, some christians are actually like that!

I have seen first hand with some people... when they see someone in need, they get the good old fashion.."we'll pray for you" it is like...DUH, if you see someone hungry feed them!

The people I am referring to, they were going through dumpsters to find food and the church was not going to help them...just offered their prayers. My dad was absolutely furious. What made it worse, they had canned goods in the basement of the church...that they were saving for "their people" when they were in need. My dad raised enough of a stink, they finally parted with some of their stash. So if someone did not know any better, that story about the bibles could very well be believed! Sad, isn't it???

[Evelyn]

Thanks for sharing that article, Snookums! I loved it!

 

And good for your father, Angel, for getting that church to part with some of their food stash. I guess that church never read the scripture (pulling this from my memory here) "When you see your brother in need of food and tell him, 'go your way, be warm and fed' rather than helping him, what good does it do?" or words to that effect.

 

Hey, Brother Jeff, if you're out there, I think you need to preach the article, "Are Your Cats Old Enough to Learn About Jesus?" When I read it, I heard your voice............

[jrmarlin]

I was laughing so hard when I read this, I almost fell out of my chair. That is so great, I am bookmarking that Onion site. Hilarious!