How To Deal With My Father.....?

[Wade]

Just to give a little background information my testimony is here. My father is as about fundie as they come. I have other issues with him as well (abusive childhood and such), so I haven’t talked to him in about two years. I definitely haven’t talked to him since becoming an “EX”.

 

I am wanting to make contact with him but I am not sure how to handle a few things. He is the one that is responsible for a large part of the brainwashing when I was a child. He was and still is deeply into the cult. He will probably always be.

 

So how do I separate the religion from the man? I have a huge amount of anger towards Christianity and what was done to me mentally. I am still paying the price.

 

I am not sure I am going to be able to talk to him and not have that anger toward him, since he was the one who constantly pushed me deeper and deeper into his version of the cult. He was the one who was abusive to me as a child and justified it with the bible.

 

At this point in my life I can say that I truly hate Christianity and what it has done to me. But I don’t want to hate my father.

 

Any advice that I could consider would be appreciated.

[gliph]

Hi Wade.

 

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I grew up in a xtian household as well, although my mother was at the helm. She is still very very into it. Have i told her? No. Will I? I don't know. I see the struggle you are having though, because I felt very similar after I came to the conclusion there was no god and really felt "unplugged" too. Somedays I want to call her and try and help her out of it, but I don't think it will help. If your father is as into it as you are saying, it might not be the right time yet. Honestly, you'll probably know when and/or if the time comes. I've really decided to not say anything for now. I think it would be too hard for her. It is something that is sooooo foreign and so evil, she wouldn't know what to do. In the same way that you feel so different because you are outside the xtian matrix, he is still plugged in and anything you would say to shake that will be very hard to hear or understand.

 

So it isn't the best answer, but I look at it this way: its easier for me to pretend for her sake. If i have to go to the random church service here or there, or bow my head for a prayer at a meal, I can do that. Its better than dealing with her emotion and guilt for "losing me".

 

Hope that helps, and gives you another way to look at it. Who knows, there are a lot of people on here that have found family members to be loving, respectful, and caring... Please keep us posted on what you decide.

 

 

-Gliph

[Lizard]

Wade, you have more than one issue to resolve as I'm sure you know.

 

For your own peace of mind, speak to your father. What you choose to tell him or not tell him, that is your choice.

 

Given that you were in the cult for 30+ years, I have to assume you are an adult, and not a "new" adult.

 

I can't relate to the fundie parent thing. My parents were so far removed from christianity that there was no hint of it in them. But, the part I can relate to is the distance from a parent.

 

My father died when I was 20. We had a fairly good relationship, but I miss him terribly, even after 26 years.

 

My mother and I had issues. Deep-rooted ones. She died in 91. We came to some closure before she died. We had many fights and arguments over the years, mainly because we were so different. My lifestyle was not what she would want for me..or more likely for herself. That is, my lifestyle at that time. I was the blacksheep..drinking, drugs, sex the whole enchilada. And while she was hardly a religious woman, she was "pure", if you know what I mean.

 

Even if you never tell him of your deconversion, have that conversation anyway. The one that catches both of you up on "life" in general. If he asks, and you do share, leading him to go off on you, you will have the comfort that you tried to reconnect.

 

Either way, you won't have the regret that you never tried..after it is too late to try.

 

*hugs* to you..

[greasemonkey]

Hiya Wade!

 

It's different for everyone I'm sure, but I'll give you a little glimpse into how it went for me. My dad is a retired S Baptist preacher ...my two older brothers are also atheist/agnostic (oldest bro is gay even). It's tough on the pops; there are a few abuse issues even, but the fact remains he just did the best he knew how to do at the time. He's not a bad guy; I admire him in a ton of ways (he just wasn't the greatest dad in the world). Even in spite of some really bad stuff, I know he was just doing what he knew how to do. Doesn't make it right. Just makes him human.

 

Eventually we have to learn to take responsibility for ourselves and let go of the past. No matter how bad they were, they didn't "make" us turn into anything. EVERYONE has trauma, and even though placing blame is an easy way to feel like we have a "reason" for being how we may happen to be; fact is though, we always had choices, and the ones we picked are still ultimately our own responsibility.

 

As far as my relationship with dad on a religious level, I always just fall back on the "honor they father and mother" crap with pop. I just tell him I can hardly be "honoring" him by pretending to believe in something I don't just so he feels a little better about it. We have had a great "friends" relationship for over 10 years (give or take), and I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'll be 40 this year, so I'm not saying this happenned in a weeks time or anything. It took us a long time to work through the abuse issues; turns out he got most of the same shit from his folks. I forgave him for it, and most importantly, I forgave myself. Some little part of us still wants to blame ourselves when we've been brought up in "the cult." Lots of de-programming to do.

 

Agreeing not to talk religion was the first step for us. Once that was out of the way, we have actually gotten to be pretty good friends. Not great friends, but good friends nonetheless. The second step was getting to know him as a person instead of a dad. Once you can begin to empathize with each other, it gets easier.

 

You might not be ready to do that. He might not be either. Just remember that how you choose to interpret things is a choice. If you or he can't handle it, don't feel bad about it; just go on with your life the best you can.

 

thats all any of us can do.

[JGJ@ReligionisBullshit]

I told my father four or five years ago that I was atheist: he used to go to church every Sunday. He simply said that he has had his doubts at times. And that was about all that was ever said. I can only infer that he respects my beliefs. He did mention, about a year later, there was a preacher-man who wanted to talk to me and I said he was welcome to my sacrificial altar at any time. Havn't seen him yet though. I have told all my family members that I am an atheist at one point or another, but they know me and don't want to visit my altar so my lack of religion is not discussed, just ignored. A loving family accepts it's family members no matter what religious beliefs are or the lack of them. I don't try to open their eyes, and they don't try to open mine. There is no tension, anger, or whatnot.

 

Let's say that you tell him. How could he react?

a. Disown you and never speak to you again and write you out of his will.

Is your relationship with your father more important than being true to yourself?

 

b. Accept that you can make your own decisions but it still leaves tension between the two of you.

Is it worth the tension or possible arguments every time religion is brought up?

 

c. Accepts that you can make your own decisions and religion is just a topic not talked about.

I doubt that you could get an e. Totally accepts your beliefs and even though relgious differences are discussed there is no tesnion. In your case, neither c or a possible e is probably not going to happen since his religion is such a huge part of his life. People who devote themselves to religion so fully tend to be quite defensive, and where thier logic fails to persuade, anger and perhaps violence usually follows. Is it worth it?

 

d. He's a closet atheist himself.

The complete tension breaker and the hope of all atheists, and a complete rarity.

[godlessgrrl]

Heya Wade -

 

Whether or not you decide to reconnect with your dad is entirely up to you; I can neither recommend it nor discourage it.

 

The one thing I do recommend though is that you really think long and hard about what you want to get out of reconnecting. What do you want from your dad - what kind of response? How do you want the conversation to go? What are you expecting to have happen? What will you do and how will you feel if things don't go the way you want?

 

Because I can guarantee you that things won't go the way you want or the way you expect, even if they go well. And I guess I bring it up because I've seen too many abuse survivors (myself included) try to reconnect (or outright confront) a parent, and it just blows up in their face and hurts all over again.

 

So I think it's handy to know what you want and what you expect, and then maybe get a handle on what you really think is realistic too. Just so if there's some pain or letdown, it isn't as personal and isn't as damaging as it could be if you're not prepared.

 

Sometimes I think that coming to grips with our parents is one of the hardest things we have to do, but one of the most essential. It's very hard to give up things that you hope will happen, and hard to just look at them as people separate from you and your existence - but also very liberating. It was much easier for me to detach from them emotionally when I started looking at them as strangers, in a way - just this husband and wife who just were and are who they are. Not my parents.

 

Anyway I'm kind of rambling. I won't tell you not to try to contact your father, only to be prepared for it psychologically and emotionally, as best you can.

 

Good luck in any case though.