Caring for aging evangelical parents

[Here]

I have struggled for years between the virtue of coming out to my parents outright as someone who just does not believe in Jesus anymore (and convincing them I'm headed for Hell while inviting them to prosthelytize at me for the rest of my life) or of living my adult life independent of their spiritual intrusion in peace. Now my mom, who lives with my dad an hour away, has dementia, needs my care, and is embracing spirituality (in step with my dad) more than ever before. My mom writes evangelical literature, which has always been her outlet for my entire life.

 

Today, the conversation was that she feels she cannot accept in-home care (which she desperately needs) before finishing her Christian booklet on salvation in an effort to equip my brother and me with the Truth we cannot do without. She will never finish this work because of her dementia. Every micron of this situation exhausts me.

 

At this point, her delusion takes on a new dimension. I can't help but care for her in person on the regular. My visits are made less pleasant when my dad (who's painfully racist and homophobic) reads Bible passages to me. I much prefer to send him for a break from caretaking when I visit.

 

Their spiritual needs include that they want me to show devotion to Jesus, and that's just one aspect of my mother's slow decline that I would so gladly do without.

 

I wonder if there's anyone else who has gone through this stage of their relationship with their fundamentalist parents who might share their experience.

 

Best wishes to all. 

[mymistake]

I'm so sorry to hear.

 

If your mom has late-stage dementia then for the rest of her life you are going to relive some event from the distant past.  The best thing you can do for her is accept her condition.  When she is in a happy mood you are going to repeat the same conversation over and over again.  Try to make it a friendly conversation.  It won't mean anything to her to have an honest conversation about religion.  She won't remember it a few hours later.  It's better to choose words that make her happy even if you don't believe what you are saying.  If you want to avoid religion then you should think of a topic that she would love and direct her to that.  But remember it needs to be something that happened about 30 years ago or whatever time where she still has memories.  For example you could ask her to tell you all about the day she got married and ask her questions about all the details.  Or you could ask her to tell you about the day you were born.  Make good use of "What happened next?".

 

I would not recommend coming out to you dad.  You can if you want but it seems like a huge headache for no reward.  Christians who have embraced comforting lies for decades are not looking for truth.  I came out to both my parents when we were all younger but my motivation was that I wanted them to hear it from me directly rather that from a rumor.  I thought the news would spread like a wild fire but I was wrong.  Everyone I have told has kept their mouth shut about it.  I guess they don't like to talk about the religion failing.

 

 

 

 

 

[Orbit]

21 hours ago, Here said:

I have struggled for years between the virtue of coming out to my parents outright as someone who just does not believe in Jesus anymore (and convincing them I'm headed for Hell while inviting them to prosthelytize at me for the rest of my life) or of living my adult life independent of their spiritual intrusion in peace. Now my mom, who lives with my dad an hour away, has dementia, needs my care, and is embracing spirituality (in step with my dad) more than ever before. My mom writes evangelical literature, which has always been her outlet for my entire life.

 

Today, the conversation was that she feels she cannot accept in-home care (which she desperately needs) before finishing her Christian booklet on salvation in an effort to equip my brother and me with the Truth we cannot do without. She will never finish this work because of her dementia. Every micron of this situation exhausts me.

 

At this point, her delusion takes on a new dimension. I can't help but care for her in person on the regular. My visits are made less pleasant when my dad (who's painfully racist and homophobic) reads Bible passages to me. I much prefer to send him for a break from caretaking when I visit.

 

Their spiritual needs include that they want me to show devotion to Jesus, and that's just one aspect of my mother's slow decline that I would so gladly do without.

 

I wonder if there's anyone else who has gone through this stage of their relationship with their fundamentalist parents who might share their experience.

 

Best wishes to all. 

 

I'm very close to being where you are. "Coming out" as a nonbeliever is not an option, as my mom is too far gone to handle it. When I am there, I just grit my teeth with the racism and God talk. I figure I don't have very long to be with her, so I keep the peace. Hang in there is all I can say; it will be over soon, and then it will be a different kind of sad.

[older]

Caring for aging parents is difficult enough without the issues you are handling. I know you didn't ask for advice but I'm going to write about a few things we learned the hard way:

• Be sure the paperwork is up to date: wills, end of life instructions (do-not-resuscitate orders), family trust if appropriate. This can be a difficult topic but it will make things easier by orders of magnitude when the time comes. It's worth the money to talk to an attorney who specializes in such issues.
• Also find out where their important documents are kept: life insurance policies, bank accounts, etc.
• Get a power of attorney for health care and one for legal affairs.  This is perhaps the most important item on this list.
• Get yourself signed on to the main bank account with a credit or debit card so you can pay for things they need directly without the ordeal of reimbursing your personal account.
• Check into nursing homes before you need one. When the time comes for that you may not get more than a day's notice.
• Find a support group for caregivers.

Your parents may decline to cooperate with this: "God will take care of us." If so, use their religion to tilt them in your favor: "Yes, Mom and Dad, but God spoke to me in a dream and he told me to tell you that you need to help me care of you." (Or whatever phrasing you think will work.)

 

It's a tough road to travel. Best wishes to you.

 

 

[older]

Something to add to what I wrote above:

Get a 3-ring binder and keep detailed, dated notes of everyone you talk to regarding your folks care. For any phone conversation, send a written summary of what was discussed to the person you talked to. Keep copies. Print out all emails. Keep all receipts and note what they were for. Keep every piece of paperwork you get. At some point some bureaucracy will toss you a denial letter for something you or your parents deserve, or a demand for payment or return of monetary benefits provided, and you'll need all that evidence to support your appeal.

 

This sounds like a lot of work, and it is, but trust me, you'll need this at some point in the future.