Dating

[Guest]

I have a question, in particular for the ex-fundamentalists on this website in regards to dating and relationships. It's quite important for me that I be able to discuss my background, and that anyone I'm dating be willing to try to understand the impact it has had and continues to have on my life, with deconversion and all that comes with that. Deconversion doesn't just magically happen, its a process. Every time the topic has come up with potential dates, silence has largely been the response, or what definitely seems like disinterest, in the topic, in me as a result of it, or both.  At this point, I have no interest in dating, I have other priorities in life, but I"m wondering what kinds of experiences others have had.

[disillusioned]

Well, I'm not dating, so I can't answer from that perspective. But I have discussed this with a few friends and colleagues that I've met since deconversion. Their reactions have ranged broadly, from complete disinterest to blatant shock and awe. Only one or two have actually wanted to talk about it extensively though. And this is fine with me. I'm well out, and I never make a point of raising the topic. When it comes up, it comes up naturally, in the course of another conversation. I'm happy to talk about it, but I also get that most people (at least around where I live) don't really understand what fundamentalist Christianity is, and so they aren't really equipped to talk about it. Even my wife doesn't really get it, and we started dating before I left. So that's probably part of it.

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, disillusioned said:

Well, I'm not dating, so I can't answer from that perspective. But I have discussed this with a few friends and colleagues that I've met since deconversion. Their reactions have ranged broadly, from complete disinterest to blatant shock and awe. Only one or two have actually wanted to talk about it extensively though. And this is fine with me. I'm well out, and I never make a point of raising the topic. When it comes up, it comes up naturally, in the course of another conversation. I'm happy to talk about it, but I also get that most people (at least around where I live) don't really understand what fundamentalist Christianity is, and so they aren't really equipped to talk about it. Even my wife doesn't really get it, and we started dating before I left. So that's probably part of it.

Yes, I certainly don't discuss it with people I work with, or people in general, unless it comes up somehow and people express interest in it. Maybe I'll feel differently about this in a few years, but right now, it does seem if someone expresses interest in me and yet is uninterested in what has had such a large impact on my life, that the prospect of a relationship isn't too great. I suppose this is because I'm still very much in recovery mode, learning to live a different way.

[disillusioned]

Just now, TruthSeeker0 said:

Yes, I certainly don't discuss it with people I work with, or people in general, unless it comes up somehow and people express interest in it. Maybe I'll feel differently about this in a few years, but right now, it does seem if someone expresses interest in me and yet is uninterested in what has had such a large impact on my life, that the prospect of a relationship isn't too great. I suppose this is because I'm still very much in recovery mode, learning to live a different way.

 

I think this is right. For you, this is the most important thing in the world. For most others, it isn't really a thing. Does that mean that you can't have valid relationship with others if they don't understand this? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe not right now. Maybe, if you develop a relationship with someone, they will become more interested in this as they become more interested in you. .

[Guest]

Just now, disillusioned said:

 

I think this is right. For you, this is the most important thing in the world. For most others, it isn't really a thing. Does that mean that you can't have valid relationship with others if they don't understand this? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe not right now. Maybe, if you develop a relationship with someone, they will become more interested in this as they become more interested in you. .

The problem is that it has to be disclosed relatively quickly, because I've grown up in a hole, as I like to put it, and it makes finding things in common (things people discuss in the first few dates) more difficult. And so I either quickly change the subject or give non-committal answers when I don't want to reveal this part of my past. I'm not great at all at doing this and come across as uncomfortable. Talking about my past too soon is definitely a turn-off for most people, that much I've found out. In any case, its just something I've been thinking of lately.

[disillusioned]

Seems like maybe you just need to find yourself first then. You said already that you aren't prioritising dating right now. I expect that this will get easier in time.

[Guest]

28 minutes ago, disillusioned said:

Seems like maybe you just need to find yourself first then. You said already that you aren't prioritising dating right now. I expect that this will get easier in time.

You hit the nail on the head with that one.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

6 hours ago, disillusioned said:

Seems like maybe you just need to find yourself first then.

 

Yep. Religion is a touchy subject at all times, so people are more interested in who you are rather than who you aren't. Even folks I know who are very similar in life outlook thought I was very obsessive about leaving Christianity when we first met about 7 years ago. I've since stopped talking about it much and focus on other things. The only time it comes up with others is if they talk religion to me first, or wonder why I'm different than I was 10+ years ago.

 

[Eugene39]

Your question totally resonated with me. I am incredibly lucky that I got to date and am now married to an ex-Christian from this board. We don't discuss the aftermath of leaving Christianity as much as we used to, but it is the best thing ever to have someone in my life that totally understands and she has been through a lot of the same crap as me. In both our cases, leaving Christianity has defined how our families and most of our former friends treat us. Obviously, you can't custom order a partner from the universe (although I feel like that's what happened to me), but it sounds like having an understanding partner is important to you. I'm glad that you recognize that, and am hopeful for you that you will be able to find someone in the future perfect for you. 

[Guest]

58 minutes ago, Eugene39 said:

Your question totally resonated with me. I am incredibly lucky that I got to date and am now married to an ex-Christian from this board. We don't discuss the aftermath of leaving Christianity as much as we used to, but it is the best thing ever to have someone in my life that totally understands and she has been through a lot of the same crap as me. In both our cases, leaving Christianity has defined how our families and most of our former friends treat us. Obviously, you can't custom order a partner from the universe (although I feel like that's what happened to me), but it sounds like having an understanding partner is important to you. I'm glad that you recognize that, and am hopeful for you that you will be able to find someone in the future perfect for you. 

Yup, this is much how I feel. It would be a lot easier with someone with a similar background that I don't have to explain this subject to, and I think ultimately they will not be able to understand it anyway, particularly if they have been non-religious their whole lives. I have talked to a couple others married to those with a background similar to mine, and although they make a great effort to understand, it isn't the same as having this in common. When I was dating it just seemed that the topic would eventually exasperate people, which really frustrated me, because it's an important part of my life. I don't want to have to feel like I need to censor myself in this area.

[Axelle]

Well I guess I was lucky enough to find a very logical and open-minded guy who is very interested on religious debates like this (we met in a typology site, he's an INTP). But I get how it can be an issue in general. It has happened to me when trying to make new friends. 

''So when's your birthday?''

''October''

''Oh, you're a Scorpio!''

''Ehh yeah but I don't actually believe on all that''.

''Ah, what do you believe in?''

 

*Activates ''to rant or not to rant'' mode on* 

[Guest]

5 hours ago, Axelle said:

Well I guess I was lucky enough to find a very logical and open-minded guy who is very interested on religious debates like this (we met in a typology site, he's an INTP). But I get how it can be an issue in general. It has happened to me when trying to make new friends. 

''So when's your birthday?''

''October''

''Oh, you're a Scorpio!''

''Ehh yeah but I don't actually believe on all that''.

''Ah, what do you believe in?''

 

*Activates ''to rant or not to rant'' mode on* 

Lol. The questions inevitably arise when you get to know new people. My religious beliefs so controlled every aspect of my life that to some degree it's impossible not to admit that I really can't relate to what people commonly talk about when getting to know each other. Tbh it's a little infuriating for me, because I really don't want to make my background the topic of conversation with everyone, and I'm not so great at thinking when put on the spot.

About dating though, I am of the same opinion, it will never work with someone who isn't open-minded/interested enough to be able to debate these topics with me. But, that pretty much goes for every topic, not only religion, I've just concluded I have a personality type (INFJ) that is only going to get along with other philosophical types, so that's a requirement.