Supporting friend through bereavement

[Lydie]

I have an old friend who knows I no longer go to church or believe, but we have never gone into detail- mutual unspoken agreement. I think she thinks I am ‘angry at God’.

 

She has suffered a loss. I don’t know how to support her and I think she hates even to see me as I represent the idea that death is the end, not a magical castle in the sky.

 

How do I support her. I’ve said sorry for your loss, brought some food but I don’t know how to be when I can’t say the usual ‘in a better place’ guff.

[Storm]

Its tough in this situation, for sure, but this is a perfect time to demonstrate that Christianity doesn't have the monopoly on empathy. For me, when my father died unexpectedly when I was 21, the thing that meant the most to me was when my 2 best friends came over to my house and we just went for a walk. Neither of them said much, but they just stood by me and let me know that they were there if, or when, I needed them. I talked a little bit on the walk, but mostly we were just quiet and walked. That time did more for me than just about any other thing that others did for me.

 

There aren't any words that you could likely say that would help in this situation. Its all about action. Just simply being there and helping out with whatever your friend may need will be all that is needed, even if its from a distance. No words need to be said. No debates, nothing. Let them have their moment to grieve, let them think however they want about the person that died. There isn't anything that you could say that  would change their mind anyway at this point.

 

Christianity (and religion in general) is a coping mechanism of life. We know it isn't the best one, or even a rational one, but it is one. Let it work its course, and the time for debate or rational thinking will come when there is less emotion involved and the grief has been processed.

 

Hope this helps.

Good luck

[Lydie]

Thanks for that thoughtful answer Storm. I will just ‘be’ there.

[older]

There is a book out there, the title of which I forget, about what not to say to people who are grieving, but the bottom line was: just listen. No comparisons, no personal stories, no unsolicited advice. Just listen. 

 

The best thing that happened when my son was killed years ago was a friend, who lives three hours away, called and said that if I ever needed to get away, his couch was available. While I didn't take him up on it, it was the kindest thing anyone did for me. Some of my closest friends totally ignored the whole thing. We were too upset to eat so most of the food was tossed. The greasy Costco lasagna, of which we got several, was the last thing we wanted to see or smell. Fortunately, only one person said anything about "being in a better place," and that's not what even the believers really want to hear at that time.

 

Don't pretend it's not there. Just take her to lunch and listen. When things settle down, perhaps offer a girls-only road trip for a weekend.

 

[RachelSkates]

I am at a loss. My life revolved aorund God so now I have no idea how to communicate. I am the crazy lady on the street corner wearing funny clothes. I am not kidding. No one talks to me anyway. I am one step from the shelter. I talk to myself. BElive me, I was fragile before, but it exploded after being abused by a man in our church. Never recvovered. So I really have no idea. I wish I had a friend to even try to comfort, but I have no friends. The Mighty One threw me into a pit and left me there. No friend shere.