Everything Came Crashing Down...

[LookingGlass]

Hi all.

 

I was debating whether or not I wanted to post in this area, since I still war with myself over the topic of my de-conversion. It's something so personal, and I already know I'm going to cry before I finish typing this post. But I've kept it all bottled in, with no one to talk to, and I've even found myself just speaking aloud to no one because of my lonliness. I feel I'm going insane...so I need to tell someone what happened.

 

My parents met through a mutual friend after each of them had been through a divorce. Eventually they got married, each bringing a child from a previous marriage into the relationship. I was the first-born baby girl between them, and three followed. My parents were both devout christians and I remember going to sunday service, sunday school, prayer meetings, picnics, brunch and choir rehearsals for as long as I can remember. The church has forever been a part of my life. Though my family would relocate often (usually because we couldn't afford to stay in the place we were living), where ever we moved we always found a new church home right away.

 

Though my parents were very devout, my father had a very dark past that brought the family a lot of pain. He was never drunk, but he had a violent temper. He kept a lot of people in his social life fooled with his quick sense of humor and good looks. But whenever I or my siblings would do wrong, his anger would come out in him hitting us, and my mother would plead with him not to be so rough with us. However this went on for a long time, and his threats, hitting and insults became a regular part of life. Sometimes my parents would get into loud arguments and I and my sisters would huddle in our rooms to cry and pray. Once my father hit my mother and he was sent to jail. At one point, I think I had just started high school, I got so bitter at my father that I didn't even cry when he hit me (yes, he even whipped me in high school). I would just glare at him until he walked away. There was so much anger in my house. It was especially apparent in my two younger sisters, who were just as ill-tempered and stubborn as he was. I was peaceful like my mother, so I was often the brunt of their abuses. All of this made me cling to my faith all the more.

 

So, my first year of high school I met Cara, who was to become my best friend. I had just moved to the city and I didn't know anyone. Cara invited me to her church, which was a non-denom evangelical church. I really loved it there, especially the music and the way the pastor taught from the bible in a way that was enthusiastic and relevant to everyday life. I continued to go to the sunday night youth service with Cara and met more and more people my age who were "radical for christ." We prayed for each other, did bible studies and even went to In N' Out Burger after church every wednesday night. I even brought my excitement for Jesus home, encouraging and praying with my mom and setting the "spritual" standard for my younger sibs. If any of them had a question about the bible or about faith, they would come to me.

 

After I graduated high school I was admitted to a local christian university. I think the year I spent at the university was the happiest of my life. I got to move out of my dysfunctional home and be surrounded with more kids who thought along the same lines as I did. College was a real blast. But after my first year I got suspended because my grades were really suffering. I pleaded with admissions to give me another chance, but they suggested that I go to junior college for a semester and re-apply after I had built a decent transcript. I was so discouraged, but determined to return to my beloved school.

 

The semester after I enrolled in a local junior college, but was forced to drop out for financial reasons. I got a job instead to try and help my family. Around that time is when I had met Jacob in a chat room. He was an african student studying computer science in Germany. Of all the people I had ever met online, I was very attracted to him. He had such a warm personality and very strong character. We would talk for hours through instant messanger and voice chat. I had never felt so connected to anyone in my life. I longed for the day we could meet in person.

 

One day, my parents had another one of their huge fights, this time resulting in my dad moving out of the house. I was shocked. I was sick of their fighting, but I never imagined them splitting up. Shortly after, my father filed for divorce. My family was in a lot of financial trouble at the time and all the stress put my mother in the hospital. One of my youngest sisters ran away from home and my younger brother would spend days away from the house. I was the only one there with my youngest sister. I'd never felt so much grief.

 

That christmas is when Jacob came to see me. I was elated the first time I saw him at LAX. We spent the holidays together, and had been talking about getting married. We had decided that we would announce our engagement at my mother's christmas party. Everyone was really happy for us, but I didn't tell my dad, who wasn't at the party.

 

The following March, Jacob returned and we got married at city hall. I was 19 and he was 27. No one was there except for my mom and her boyfriend. A lot of my friends and family were happy for us, but some were very upset and disappointed (especially my dad). I was still sure I had made the right choice, but the problems started after we were married.

 

We didn't have a place to stay, so we stayed with my mom and siblings to help her with the rent. The place wasn't that big, and I could tell there was a lot of tension. Jacob found my siblings to be very rude and disrespectful (which they can be a lot of the time). My youngest sister was the worst offender. She was spoiled rotten and had no problem calling him names or ignoring him. Thankfully, my mother liked Jacob and they had a good relationship.

 

Over time, I tried to return to school, but had to drop out semester after semester to find a job and help my family keep a roof over their head. It was hard because my sibs mistreated my mother and husband and seemed to take all of my efforts for granted. For a period, Jacob wasn't authorized to work in the USA, and my mom was disabled, so the burden was on me to provide income. My mom's boyfriend also helped, thankfully, but it was hell taking any job I could find. I continued to pray and read the bible, hoping things would get better, but after a short while, I finally said to myself, I just can't be a christian anymore. It was as if my faith had ceased to aid me.

 

My journey away from my faith was gradual. At first I was so busy that I hardly had time to think of it, but as time progressed, I felt weak, and in those times that I would usually go to church, sing a praise song or read the bible, I found nothing. I had nothing to rely on to "lift me up again." So I merely cried myself to sleep most nights, Jacob not having any idea what was wrong with me.

Eventually, I got fed up living with my family and Jacob and I got a cheap studio apartment "out in the desert," hoping that we could find jobs when we moved there. I continued to struggle with my lack of faith, becoming more an more depressed since I had nothing to help me cope with the changes. I hated the neighborhood, our apartment was so small and we were both working minimum wage jobs at a hotel. I quit at the hotel to do a paper route, which I had to get up everyday at 1.30 AM to do. After a couple months of that I got a job working graveyard at a truckstop. By then I had become a very angry, confused person, so different from the person I was only a year ago. About a month later I was accused of stealing money and let go from the truckstop.

 

It has been nearly a month since I got fired from the truck stop. I'm now 20 years old, unemployed and not going to school. My husband still works at the hotel and is earning his computer science degree online. My marriage is struggling now because I didn't know my husband well when we got married. I really thought that it was God's will for us to be together. Combined with our financial woes and our differing beliefs (or lack thereof), Jacob and I have been struggling with each other. And I literally have no life. Most days I stay at home with nothing to do, nowhere to go, having no clear purpose in life. Every day I think how much happier I was back in my college days when my faith was strong, but I can't talk myself into believing in Jesus and God again. And I really tried my damnest to believe again. I figure if he really loved me he wouldn't have let me stray so far away. It was my decision, I now. Everyone has free will....yeah, and a toddler has free will to jump into a swimming pool unsupervised but that doesn't mean I would let them. I feel like if there is a God, he's just letting me drown, and I'd rather believe that there is no god if he's anything like that. I've delt with depression all my life, but never anything like this. Jesus christ was my whole life...suddenly he's not there anymore. It's like coming out of the matrix. I've thought so many times of taking my own life but I know how much pain it would cause my mother. I could never stand to hurt her. She's always been there for me. And also I have a baby on the way....damn, I sure picked a hell of a time to leave my faith. I know I'm not ready to be a mom.

 

One day I have everything figured out and the next it turns out I have to figure out everything for myself. I know why people retreat into religion, because life sucks when you don't know what the hell you're doing. I haven't told anyone except for my husband, and I'm sure he doesn't believe me still. I'm still searching for some kind of hope out there....the flame inside me is burning low, and I feel myself dying every day. I wish I could be happy again. I really do. But for now, here I am. And that's what happened.

[Guest singlecoil]

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. I know that life is hard at times but you can get through it. Sometimes the best answer is to just decide to take one problem at a time not focus on the totality of your problems. One problem at a time. If you want to pm me I can tell you my story. The world I worked 16 yrs to create came crashing down around me, so while I may not know exactly what you're up against I know what it is like to leave god at the same time life deals you a bad blow. Life has chapters that quite frankly stink. but if you handle one problem at a time you can get through it. Keep your chin up!

[charley]

Your misery stems from your being abused by your father, and you are right in your intuitions that their is no jeezus to change that. The more you take charge of your life, face and overcome challenges by your own efforts, the prouder and happier you will be. No one can do it but you.

[Ex-COG]

Oh dear, you've been through a lot! Here's to you for making it this far!

 

I think it's important to get some outside help with your life. If you have a YWCA in your area, they usually offer counseling and programs for women. You may be able to get assistance there, along the lines of skills for your marriage and child rearing. If you're low income, you should qualify for some type of state aid. Contact your state/county family services for WIC, food stamps, medical aid, etc.

 

You have more than just a Christian detox going on here, you've got a rough family past to get over, a rocky marriage to work on, and a financial situation that sucks. As singlecoil says, handle one problem at a time, and you'll get through it. Sounds kind of "off the cuff" I know, but if you try to face everything at once, it will crush you. Take one thing at a time, and the first step should be to take care of yourself. You're worth it.

[pandora]

I'm sorry that you are having such a tough time right now. I know that life is hard at times but you can get through it. Sometimes the best answer is to just decide to take one problem at a time not focus on the totality of your problems. One problem at a time. If you want to pm me I can tell you my story. The world I worked 16 yrs to create came crashing down around me, so while I may not know exactly what you're up against I know what it is like to leave god at the same time life deals you a bad blow. Life has chapters that quite frankly stink. but if you handle one problem at a time you can get through it. Keep your chin up!

 

 

Exactly. I deconverted at a very inconvenient time in my life too. Not th esame circustances as you, LookingGlass, but I know exactly what you mean. The emotional pain becomes much more intense, and even though you want to believe, you can't, and you haven't yet been "on your own" enough, so to speak, to have really found any good coping strategies.

 

LG: Welcome to the site. I hope we can be of support to you! It really does sound like you're stuck... I can't imagine how tossed about you must feel now. If he is getting a degree online, perhaps you could too... that would make you more able to leave the situation if it ever comes to that.

[cathuria]

I know why people retreat into religion, because life sucks when you don't know what the hell you're doing.

 

A mind that is capable of that thought is a mind with great potential.

You've stopped believing in the Bible -- that was the easy part.

Now you just have to start believing in yourself.

[Godless Dave]

Your misery stems from your being abused by your father, and you are right in your intuitions that their is no jeezus to change that. The more you take charge of your life, face and overcome challenges by your own efforts, the prouder and happier you will be. No one can do it but you.

 

Not only that, you were neglected by your mother. You say she was always there for you, but she stayed with a man she knew was hitting you, and then relied on your income to support her and her other kids. It is going to be very tough for you to come to terms with how both your parents mistreated you and took advantage of you, but facing it head-on is the only way you will overcome it.

[bob]

Lookinglass...wow!

Perhaps the best medicine for me, when I am struggling, has been the knowledge that there are others who can sympathize, others who understand how I am feeling. All of our stories are different, but many times the pain is the same.

Here is a little story of me.

[Gnosis of Disbelief]

Oh my.....you've been through a lot. It must have pained you to

put that all down in writing. Hope things do get better for you, but

sometimes it just takes time. Take it one day at a time, one

problem at a time....that's all you can really do.

[snookums]

Hi Lookingglass

 

thanks for allowing me to read your story.

 

You are absolutely right..you do have to work it out yourself...meanwhile take a break now and then.

You sound like a very strong person.

 

..*hugs*

 

P.s. I like your screen name.....it was hard to recognise myself in the mirror - that was sometime ago but I kept looking and looking and now I think I know and understand myself a lot better.

 

so yeah...keep on 'looking'...

[LookingGlass]

Hi all, thanks for all of our outpourings of support and advice. I really appreciate it. It really does help when other people can sympathize with you. I recently moved back with my mom and stepdad because I wanted to be closer to them instead of living out in the desert on my own. It's been really tough, but I'm glad that I'm at least back home now. I don't really have anything against my mom. Being married to my dad has made her stronger, in that she can stand up to people more effectively now. I think the only reason she stayed with him so long is that she was taught that a woman needs to depend on another man for financial support, and she was scared to be on her own with four kids. She regrets staying with him so long, but I guess it's a lesson she just had to learn the hard way.

The first sunday I was here I was being told that I needed to go to church to get some inspiration since I had been through so much. I hadn't told anyone about my decision yet. It made me really sad, because going to church together had always been a family tradition. I kept insisting that I felt too sick to go out, and they said alright. I felt like shit the whole day, especially when my mom brought home a recording of the day's service. I could barely handle it. A couple nights ago I told her that I couldn't go to church anymore and I no longer believed the bible. She said that it was an attack from the enemy and he just wants to get me not to believe so that I would be depressed. But I just insisted that I had my reasons for not believing, not wanting it to turn into an argument. She said that I had to do something if I wasn't going to go to church because it wasn't good for the baby for me to be depressed all the time. I agree with her on that...I'm trying to find something else to do. I went to the library to try and find some books on coping and religion, but I felt so weighted down that I couldn't even bring myself to read. I just started crying in the library, and couldn't get myself to stop for the life of me.

That night I went to bed feeling all but suicidal. I realized just how much I had trusted and believed in christianity and what a horrible, dastardly trick it was for someone to play on an unsuspecting mind.

The next day I felt better, actually bothering to do my hair and go outside. I've been trying to do my best...I know I need to see a counselor or something but I've always been scared of what I would have to say to them.

The biggest issue that I have been struggling with is purpose. When I was "saved," I was sure that my entire reason for being was to tell others about Jesus and how much he loved them, that he died for them to save them from sin and hell. That was my purpose, the foundation of my life. Now I always think to myself, If Jesus didn't die, and there is no heaven and no hell, then why are people here? If there is no war over the souls of men, what good are we? We're all just 6.7 billion dots on the face of the planet...what signifigance do I have? What scheme do I fit into? Why am I here? And I've heard people say that you're suppose to create your own purpose in life, but somehow that never satisfies me. Sometimes life is good, sometimes it's bad, and then you die. If our only reason is to procreate and further our species, why do we further it? Is it just natural instinct that makes us afraid of death and gives us the desire to live on?

Okay, that is my rant for now. Thanks again everyone for reading. I really do appreciate it.

[Taphophilia]

Hey LookingGlass,

 

When you find the answers let us know, because everybody else here is still trying to figure them out. You're not alone in how you feel or think. Christianity, as bogus as it was, gave us answers to these questions, and now we are left to fill the void.

That's primarily what this site is all about, supporting you in your journey to find your own truth.

The only thing that I can tell you is that you're beginning your journey and that's a painful step. You will never find the answers, disappointing but true. All you can find is what is inside you and discover who you are. Believe strongly in yourself and your child, and everything else will eventually fall into place.

 

Taph

[Fweethawt]

The biggest issue that I have been struggling with is purpose.

Go take a nice long look in the mirror. Then, after that, look down at your belly. Then, if you have to, take another look in the mirror.

 

How much more purpose do you need?

 

Try not to get tied up with how much purpose you want.

 

At least, not right now anyway.

[LosingMyReligion]

LookingGLass you have been to hell and back.

 

I can relate to you alot. I grew up in a less than ideal household(My father was a violent alchoholic who eventually died, and my older brother mentally and physically abused me for five years), and had many of the same issues...

 

Christianity, much like you, was there for me when I needed it the most. When I joined the church I was at a very low point and it is the welcoming and sense of belonging that you get that makes you feel brand new...Not the holy spirit. People need people and when you are enveloped in the Christian fold it feels wonderful...

But then, for some of us, the reality sets in when the real world and our curious minds kick in.

 

Don't feel bad. You will get past this low point. I can tell you that I am still learning to find strength from all the damage that the religion has wrought in my life.

It is great that you found this site because we can all get through this together.

 

Personally, I still believe in a higher power...I just don't believe in bible god. As you said a real parent would keep their children from harm and straying to far...Not let them crash and burn.

 

That is what makes me so mad. The church says god(of the bible) loves us all like a father but life whips our collective @$$es on regular intervals. A parent who did that would be arrested for abuse!

[Curtdude]

....That night I went to bed feeling all but suicidal. I realized just how much I had trusted and believed in christianity and what a horrible, dastardly trick it was for someone to play on an unsuspecting mind.

The next day I felt better, actually bothering to do my hair and go outside. I've been trying to do my best...I know I need to see a counselor or something but I've always been scared of what I would have to say to them.....

 

Hi Lookinglass,

 

Welcome to the site, but it sounds like you are going through multiple, complicated life changes and tons of pain. Loss of faith, new husband who you did not really know well, abusive father, well-meaning but still-in-the-cult mom, new baby on the way, interrupted university education.

 

Please take your own advice and see a counselor. A third party, not related to you and more objective, can really help sort things out and put you in connection with essential services that you will need in the coming months, like health care for you and your baby. Some liberal churches, like the Presbyterians, offer professional counselors at a much reduced rate. You are in a crisis mode, looking for direction and not getting the help you need from those closest to you.

 

This site (ex-c) is helpful for some things, but, like your marriage started out, meeting others over the internet has its drawbacks: we cannot give you the physical, loving, affirming one-on-one that only someone can who is right in front of you. Google "counseling services" along with your geographical location, and I'll bet you'll find some resources.

 

Best to you, take care and do what I did. See someone who you can talk to and help sort out your emotions. Big internet hug!

[Guest Fallen Angel]

You're so young - but you know you will get through this. Even though the loss of faith leaves a big hole, you can fill it with meaningful things - your new baby for a start. Then eventually there will be new friends, new challenges - all sorts of things that you find interesting and worthwhile in THIS life, rather than hanging around aimlessly waiting for the next. Don't be afraid to reach out to the secular community. There are plenty of good people out there who are loving and good and helpful because they can be - not because some silly old book says they must be.

 

Hugs and all the best sweetie - you'll make it.

[LookingGlass]

Hi all,

 

I've been meaning to post but this is my step-dad's compy and he's a little iffy about people using it...plus he's hardcore Church of God in Christ and he'd go ballistic if he knew I was visiting this site. I just wanted to say that I'm feeling a lot better know. I'm going to start going to counseling soon..I've had to kick myself in the ass about it, but it would be for the best. Me and my husband are getting along a lot better now. We moved back into my mom's house and it was for the best. Some of the pressure is off of me. It's been good for our relationship. Still feeling lonely, I need to get myself since of my friends were evangelicals and I can't relate to most of them anymore. I haven't formally told any of them, but we've grown distant lately.

I can't tell you how much it means to me to be able to come back to this thread and read your encouraging words over and over. It helps to remind me that it's not the end and there is life after xtianity. Thanks so much. Take care and God bles---er...sorry, force of habit.

 

-LG-