Definition Of ‘hurting Someone’….

[scotter]

This question is about the ethical and moral implication of ‘hurting someone’. How do you define ‘hurting someone’?

 

If a person A does something behind B’s knowledge, and say that B would never know or find out, so A is hurting B or not?

 

I use a quite commonly happened example as a reflection:

 

Say the husband is cheating on his wife (or sub. with boyfriend girlfriend), and say the scenario is the wife would never know nor find out, things are as usual: the husband stills loves the wife, he takes care of the household, just that he has another woman.

 

So is the husband hurting the wife? ….Yes, because the husband is displaying this as-usual image of a good and loyal husband, but the cheating automatically makes the image a lie. And lies hurt people, whether the lies get cracked or not.

 

Or, would some say technically it is a ‘no’ (because the presumed scenario setting is the wife never finds out, although it does not normally happen in real life), because technically nobody gets hurt.

 

Scotter respects what you say on either.

 

What is your definition? What is your opinion?

 

I like to ask your thoughts on this.

[benjaburns]

Say the husband is cheating on his wife (or sub. with boyfriend girlfriend), and say the scenario is the wife would never know nor find out, things are as usual: the husband stills loves the wife, he takes care of the household, just that he has another woman.

 

So is the husband hurting the wife? ….Yes, because the husband is displaying this as-usual image of a good and loyal husband, but the cheating automatically makes the image a lie. And lies hurt people, whether the lies get cracked or not.

 

Or, would some say technically it is a ‘no’ (because the presumed scenario setting is the wife never finds out, although it does not normally happen in real life), because technically nobody gets hurt.

 

In this case I would say no, at the moment the husband isn't hurting the wife only because she hasn't found out...yet. When she does she'll be hurting pretty badly. However, even if she never finds out I don't think that stops the act of adultury from being morally bad. He's still betraying the trust of the marriage, though that's a little off topic.

[GreenXero]

Since this has actually happened to me, I agree with Benjaburns. The wife is not at the moment being hurt. I was cheated on and until I knew I was not really hurt. This might come down to ignorance is bliss. I think it is wrong to do and would never do something like that even if I would never be caught.

 

I am not sure how this question is about morality, because you set the question up with a bias. You say the husband is "cheating" wich basically sets it up as not being moral or ethical. Some spouses have an agreement that they can sleep with other people. That is their choice and in that situation it would not be concidered cheating.

 

I guess what I am trying to say is you told us that the husband was "cheating" so that automatically tells us what answer your looking for.

 

You could have also asked: "If someone steals money from you and you don't know, are you hurt?"

 

what if you change that situation around to: "You lose money out of your pocket and don't miss it, are you hurt?"

 

Rambling on at work has made me lose track...... sorry if this is incoherent.

[Bodhi-in-Training]

If they never find out you are not directly hurting them or are you? Firstly you are hurting yourself. Unless you are a completely cold person, you are going to experience guilt and fear that they will find out. That in turn may have a direct impact on the relationship and how you deal on a day to day basis with your significant other. Most likely a negative effect. So would I say you are hurting them? Yes.

 

Just a thought.

[scotter]

 

Thank you Green and Ben.

 

About the bias on choosing the word 'cheating', as mentioned, I respect your thoughts because this forum is about sharing. In addition, you revealed your personal experience which I appreciate. There are swinger clubs all over in North America and if it is agreed between couples, it is their personal options. Basically marriage-cheating is an example that I hope to illustrate the question. The example of 'stealing money' is not as close as the marriage-cheating example I can relate to.

 

See, what get me stucked with 2nd answer-'No' in my deeper 'philosophical' inquiry is, 'hurting someone' is contingent on whether it gets found out or not; not on the nature of what A does, that's what puzzled me here, when I come to think of this issue of 'definition of hurting someone'.

 

For first answer 'yes', it is also a personal opinion. This is not to say I agree or disagree with members who say 'yes' or 'no', but to collect opionions.

 

Thanks Bodhi too.

[GreenXero]

I think morality and ethics really show when a person does what they think is right even when they know they can't be caught or the truth won't ever be found out.

 

This is where the Xians "should" be doing the right thing more often because according to their belief they have someone that always know the truth.

[Lycorth]

I think morality and ethics really show when a person does what they think is right even when they know they can't be caught or the truth won't ever be found out.

 

This is where the Xians "should" be doing the right thing more often because according to their belief they have someone that always know the truth.

 

That's very true. The husband isn't hurting the wife at all by fooling around behind her back, but he is hurting himself by encouraging unethical behavior in himself. Doing one unethical thing encourages a person usually to crank it up a notch and be more unethical when the chance presents itself. That can lead to a person becoming a total slimeball over time - kind of a slippery slope or snowball effect. Doing good encourages doing better - doing bad encourages doing worse, in general. See what I mean? It's like exercise - lift a little and develop your ability to lift more, for example.

 

"Hurting" someone is doing something that will cause the person offense or harm, either immediately or over time. Taking money repeatedly could certainly be considered "hurting" someone, as eventually more money will be taken and the person's property will be depleted.

[white_raven23]

Using this example...yes pain is being caused. When people are married, they have entered into an agreement of sorts. In this agreement they have publically declared the intent to share one life. Just about anything one of these two people does "on the side" has the potential to emotionally, financially, or publically harm the declared partner.

 

What if a wife decides to run a side business where she has a 900 number and is paid to talk dirty on the phone? If her husband is unaware of the activity, does it hurt him? I say....yes it does! What if he runs for public office, and some rat looking for dirt on him discovers that his wife is a phone sex operator? Even though the activity "harms no one" and is solely limited to the phone....the husband will still feel betrayed and cheated because his wife kept it from him.

 

Though it would likely have been another matter entirely if he'd known about it all along.

 

Just as extra-marital affairs can be painful, it might be a different story altogether if the married couple have an sexually "open" marriage. These relationships continue to function because the people involved respect the need for complete and honest communication. It wouldn't surprise me one bit if communication lines in open marriages are more solid and reliable than ones in more traditional joinings.

[scotter]

Thank you all for the inputs. I am glad I started the thread. After reading the contributing posts and some thinking, I come to two definitions of 'hurting people':

 

1. realizing negative emotions in someone as a consequence of something done undesirable to the person

 

2. discounting a genuine relationship which the victim party otherwise deserves

 

After constructing the two definitions, I have chosen for myself one definition over the other. And I think each chooses the definitions according to his/her values.

[SilentLoner]

well, I definielty think that affairs while married do hurt the person who is being cheated on, one way or another.

I once overheard a discussion similar to this where a good answer was put foward:

"If you have a tumor and you don't know about it, is it hurting you?"

[Taphophilia]

I would put that along the same lines as:

 

If the husband steals money out of a joint checking account and the wife doesn't find out about it, is that wrong?

 

Taph

[snookums]

Is this about lying?.....you know that excuse - that lying by omission is not really lying....*hehe* or blaming it on 'bad intelligence' - is that an oxymoron or what?

 

nah...Its just a moron saying it........I still want to know where the fuck all those 'weapons' of mass destruction' went!