SunNSand4me Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Hi, all. I'm new here and wanted to introduce myself. I've been on the path to becoming an ex-christian for the last couple years. I'm 34 and live in the "bible belt of the north" (near Grand Rapids, Mich.) I grew up attending Catholic church, which in my parish and family meant a pretty simple belief in Father/Son/Holy Spirit and not reading the bible. Attended rarely in my teens, not at all in college. Started attending a Presbyterian USA/Congregational "liberal" church with my then boyfriend (now husband) about 12 years ago and we both gradually became bible-reading "real christians," moving to a second church (extremely fundamental) and then to one we're members at now (not as fundamental but pretty close). Since I read only bits and pieces of bible passages as a child, it wasn't until my early 20s that I started to really read scripture. I love learning and studying in general, so I really enjoyed (finally) understanding what the bible actually stated and meant. I enjoyed bible studies, books, sermons because I was learning. But like many of you, in my quest to learn, I continually realized that the stories and facts didn't all connect or make logical sense. It comes down to a question of faith, and my faith was lacking in a major way. Never mind all the less-than-loving exchanges I had with christians over the years or the fact that I never fell over or started to speak in tongues when a pastor prayed for the "holy spirit to come upon" me (maybe 4-5 yrs ago at this tent revival I attended). Like you, there are so many stories I could tell of how I was turned off to this religion, but I still continued on in my journey. Judgements, hypocrisy and gaping factual holes finally did me in. And I was growing increasingly irritated when people would ask "is he/she a christian?" about someone else, especially when I'd ask for prayer for that person. Ummm, errrr, hmmm, well, a christian according to what criteria? Why does that matter and what business is it of yours? I've been attending church very, very infrequently lately and told my husband about my 100% loss of faith this past fall. What horrible timing ... he had just accepted a deacon position at our church. He reads the bible each day and is a believer but is not a fundamentalist at all in his thoughts or actions. He's the least judgmental person I've ever met. He's never given me a bit of grief or guilt about not attending church or our small group bible study ... "If you don't want to go, don't go." He's sad in certain ways but loves and adores me either which way. I see him as a firm believer with a simple faith in a loving god. He doesn't see the inconsistencies and wackiness I see and might not ever since he doesn't care to search for them, even though he is a super intelligent person with a mathmatical/scientific mind. One can hope. It will be interesting to see how our relationship evolves over the next couple years. While I don't feel badly about saying adios to church or the invisible man in the sky, I do feel badly about the social aspects of things we were involved in that I won't be involved in anymore. But I have to remind myself that this will be an opportunity to meet new people in my community who are probably much more open minded and diverse. As I shift socially, though, I want to be careful to be just as respectful and non-deconverting (?) to christians as I would be to a buddist, muslim or hindu. To each his own. We have two children in elementary school, and they know mom's not really into the whole church and prayer thing anymore. I no longer pray with them at night; I talk with them instead about what they're grateful for. I think I should probably sit down with them and officially drop the news that I won't be going to church anymore so they don't have to ask me anymore if I'm going. Thanks for reading my story. Please post any feedback you may have, especially insights about spouse and kids. By the way, I know I'm either agnostic or atheist, but because of societal pressure I'm sure I won't refer to myself in these terms. I'll probably sugar-coat it so it's easier for friends/family to swallow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highvoltage Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Welcome to Ex-C! I'm not married or don't have any kids, so I can't offer any advice there, but there are others here at Ex-C that can. I can relate to feeling bad about losing the social connection with church. I don't regret at all leaving God or religion behind, but sometimes I feel bad about losing that network of people that comes with attending church. Not being able to participate in their activities and such. But with time you meet other interesting people though, and build new networks. Maybe even find new activities to do with them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Peach Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Welcome! I'm glad you've finally "seen the light" so to speak. I'm 33, married with two children. My husband is a simple believer like yours and was a stand-in preacher at a small country church at one time. I used to hope that he would deconvert like myself, but it is really no longer an issue. I just want him to be happy with whatever he believes and so I won't criticize his beliefs out of respect for his feelings. I feel that if my husband is truly happy, then why not leave well enough alone?...at least as long as it isn't hurting anyone. If he wants to be a Christian, then I support him all the way. I no longer hope that he will change, like I used to when I became a new "de-convert". I wish you all the luck in the world. Just remember, you and I know Christianity is false, but if someone can derive happiness out of it and doesn't use it against people, then why not focus on something else because it is benign and no longer matters anymore. I guess I had to learn the hard way because I used to have a hard time refraining from putting down Christianity or religion in general when hubby would talk religion. I still slip up every once in a while. It upset him a lot, but now I'm a better wife and more considerate of his feelings. Oh, and I wouldn't worry about sugar-coating it to anyone. If you are strong in your unbelief, why not express it when asked? They probably really do want to know if they are asking, and besides, maybe you could teach them a thing or two? If you think they will put you down or judge you, then maybe you shouldn't be associating with these people anyway. Heck, my mom told me I was possessed of all things!.....LOL! Can you believe that? My own mother. Oh well. That was a few months ago. Now, I think she is afraid to bring it up again because she knows I might be right.....she'd have to do some thinking. Some people may be willing to think if they are truly searching for answers in order to find peace in their lives away from the cult of Christianity or religion in general. I remember a time when I wish there would be others to talk to about this on my way out (I was a very devout follower and studied constantly), so on the outside, some would have thought me to be a conservative. I'm really a liberal! Best of luck, and again, welcome! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ nivek ♦ Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 SunNSand4me, Welcome to ExC! Won't promise that life, that nasty place where we actually have to be with humans and assorted problems (compared to tv, or the net, where we fix everything in an hour!), will be *better* by spending time here. The big however is that you'll have opportunity to find others who share parts of your life and journey, now where you are at, where you've been, and can help chart a good where you might want to go from here. ExC is the best place to spend on.line, on.ass time learning and finding some direction, reason and a bit more purpose. I too am a parent, my son, elBeasto, is now 13. Raised sans help of the church and good intentioned folks from the scarey_squad. Beastie is an honor roll student, polite, well mannered, and more than well adjusted. Hasn't missed the scared straight by gohwd and the bots at all.. (Screw the unseen, don't fuck with the Old Man! ) Be welcome here and join in. kevinL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
All Gods Fail Posted April 3, 2006 Share Posted April 3, 2006 Hey SunNSand4me, you're from my neck of the woods (GR area)! Hell of a place to be an infidel, eh? Sounds like you've got a pretty decent spouse - glad to hear he isn't a fundy. And I think you've got a great attitude about meeting new friends outside the church. Try and get involved with some non-xtian charities or groups (art, women's groups, etc). Believe it or not, there are a lot more of us atheist/pagan/heretic types around west Michigan, and lately I think our numbers are growing. John Calvin was a jerk! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
philo Posted April 5, 2006 Share Posted April 5, 2006 Hey SunNSand4me, Enjoyed reading through your story. I think it's a big step when someone actually can start expressing and talking about their doubts. I've been out of the church for many years, and it was my wife that kept attending. She always enjoyed the social aspect of church and wanted me to attend to keep that alive. I was never really verbal about convincing her to think as I did. But every once in a while when we'd have some deeper discussions I'd share some ideas with her. Eventually, she did make the break from religion, but I really think it was due to her own efforts and in her own time. A little advice regarding children. Mine are now 21 and 23. I would stand by your convictions. If you doubt Christianity, and perhaps see how detrimental it can be to your children, then show them a different and better way. I like this quote: "Just think of the tragedy of teaching children not to doubt." Clarence Darrow My children grew up with an agnostic/atheist. They were taught to challenge ideas and to question everything. They are now freethinking adults who are not easily lead by others. I'll step off the box now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eponymic Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 By the way, I know I'm either agnostic or atheist, but because of societal pressure I'm sure I won't refer to myself in these terms. I'll probably sugar-coat it so it's easier for friends/family to swallow. I like to think of it as showing how much positivity has come out of your de-converting, rather than sugar coating. Because the truth is, you're the better for it, in many ways likely. And the more you see that the more they can't deny it. And as long as you're positive & open about it, they have even fewer weapons to combat that pure honest truth than they do the negative backlash that often comes with deconversion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelle Posted April 6, 2006 Share Posted April 6, 2006 Welcome Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
futurekid Posted April 8, 2006 Share Posted April 8, 2006 By the way, I know I'm either agnostic or atheist, but because of societal pressure I'm sure I won't refer to myself in these terms. I'll probably sugar-coat it so it's easier for friends/family to swallow. Ha ha! When I first deconverted I referred to myself as a weak atheist, but then I read this bit by John Brockman: I mean I don't believe: I'm sure there's no God. I'm sure there's no afterlife. But don't call me an atheist. It's like a losers' club. When I hear the word atheist, I think of some crummy motel where they're having a function and these people have nowhere else to go. That's what it means in America. In the UK it's very different. I think I'm just gonna tell people I don't believe and I'm an unbeliever if it comes up from now on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts