Thoughts On Marriage

[Poonis]

I was thinking about marriage (not for me, but the entity itself) and why people enter into it. Since I am not married, I can only speculate. My question is this:

 

Does marriage end in anything else other than (1) bitterness of divorce, (2) sadness of death, or (3) relief it has ended?

 

Here are observations to support this:

 

(A) Just yesterday my boss had his divorce finalized after 30+ years, and he says he is the happiest he has ever been, to which #3 applies. For his ex-wife, #1 applies.

 

( My grandmother died a couple years ago. For my grandpa, marriage ended in #2.

 

If you are married, how do you speculate your marriage will end? Has your marriage already ended, and if so, how? Am I incorrect on these three particulars of the end of marriage?

[pandora]

I hope that my marriage will end only due to death... but that doesn't just apply to marriage. Everyone dies at some point, so whoever you happened to be in a relationship with and form close emotional bonds with will cause you grief when they die.

 

The companionship love and friendship in a marriage are worth the risks to me.

[bob]

Mine just ended in November after 25 years, in divorce. It has been so very difficult. A very sad time in my life.

I don't see marriage as necessary. It is a religious / social contract which is all to often, broken.

If I had been in love with, and lived with a woman for 25 years, regardless of being "married" to her, when that relationship eventually ended, I would still be very sad.

[Angel]

I hope that my marriage will end only due to death... but that doesn't just apply to marriage. Everyone dies at some point, so whoever you happened to be in a relationship with and form close emotional bonds with will cause you grief when they die.

 

The companionship love and friendship in a marriage are worth the risks to me.

 

 

 

I am with you on that one. I hope that my marriage will come to an end only due to death. Today is our 10 yr anniversary :-).

I would say that it is worth the risk to me, I married my best friend and I have no regrets except that I wished we would have found each other sooner! We have had our share of bad times, but neither one of us would walk away from each other.

[Lycorth]

I am very sure mine will end in #2, given the way everything's gone so far. That's painful enough, though. But, it's worth the pain in the end for the joy it'll also bring in the here and now.

 

Happy anniversary, Angel!

[Eponymic]

Death is only painful due to the focus we give to ourselves rather than giving thanks & reflecting on all the good that someone has brought us when they die. It doesn't have to be such an endlessly painful thing.

 

To me it's being selfish to be miserable about someone's passing, especially because the person who died (if they loved you too) certainly wouldn't want you wallowing.

 

As for the other two, it's kind of the same thing. People started in love at some level when they went it, they just tend to forget that. There's no reason when they leave that it can't be on really amicable terms. Which means for the third that the relief is just a positive sign for both people that they are doing the right thing.

[BlueGiant]

Those three possibilities are three things we can garuntee happening at the end of any relationship between us and someone we get very close to.

[pandora]

Death is only painful due to the focus we give to ourselves rather than giving thanks & reflecting on all the good that someone has brought us when they die. It doesn't have to be such an endlessly painful thing.

 

To me it's being selfish to be miserable about someone's passing, especially because the person who died (if they loved you too) certainly wouldn't want you wallowing.

 

 

No offense, but I completely disagree with you. It is in our nature to grieve and denying ourselves that can cause severe emotional problems down the line. Of course, one healthy way to deal with it is to cherish the memories, but holding in tears for the reasons you mention just seems like way too much of a Christian attitude. I was told those very things, in a Christian context, when my father died, and it took me a while to get over the guilt for grieving and to finally learn how to grieve in a healthy way. It may be selfish, but it's necessary. It's not like the deceased will know or care... and besides, they would want us to do what helps us get over it, so to speak.

 

I do agree that it is important for relationships to end in a healthy way, though... but that's not always possible either.

 

 

The companionship love and friendship in a marriage are worth the risks to me.

 

 

Ditto, I love my husband and the two wonderful children that are a resulted once we got married. I'm not by any means implying it's a honeymoon all of the time but I treasure every moment with them. ;-)

 

 

Exactly, although I don't have kids yet. It's nice to have someone to come home to and share your day, your frustrations, someone to come home to and bitch to about life and who understands and cares for you. Maybe if my husband and I had deconverted fully before we got married, we wouldn't have gotten married, but I don't regret it at all. I think it's good to have someone to commit to, it seems selfish to me to start out and continue a relationship with the idea that anything could happen... I think a lot of closeness can be lost that way. But marriage isn't for everyone, and some people can handle the uncertainty and such. I just don't think marriage should be ruled out as a viable option just because Christians do it for different reasons than we might.

 

The honeymoon period is over for me too, but it's so much fun to work at regaining that innocent puppy love again... and again... hopefully for the rest of my life.

[Evelyn]

Marriage can be a good thing My husband and I celebrated our 17th wedding anniversary last month. We've known each other for 20 years now, my how time flies! I think, hope, that it ends for reason #2.

 

We work at it every day, though it really isn't work. We each make sure to tell the other that we love them and, our favorite phrase, that we are glad they are around. We are friends and partners as well as spouses. This works for us! Romantic infatuation and sex are great, but if you don't like to be around the other person on a day to day basis, then a relationship and/or marriage is awful.

[Dianka]

I think, hope, that it ends for reason #2.

...

We work at it every day, though it really isn't work

....

 

 

 

+

 

 

 

(2) sadness of death

 

 

 

 

Oh my...

 

 

To summarize: Evelyn works hard every day to end her marrige in death, although she says that it's not really work.

[Guest Shiva H. Vishnu]

Marriage is just another silly church.

[pitchu]

If only churches had the terrific silliness found in good marriages, some of us might not be at this site.

[Onyx]

Why are all the liberal and nonfundamentalist marriages are long lasting?

My grandparents on my mum's side are married for 50 years and still going, they are big time liberal Christians (My grandad attended a gay civil union wedding!)

Yet it's a happy marriage. Goes to show gay and lesbians can't destroy marriages.

 

Yet on my dad's side, the grandarents also had a long marriage but it was one of fights, boredom, sexual repression (Don't ask me how I knew they were sexually repressed) and dying to get apart. They died roughly one year after each other.

They were rabid Catholics, yet I had the nasty feeling that all was not okay in that marriage.

One of the earliest memories of mine was that both pairs of grandarents arguing over something ;like religious differences or something to that effect.

 

Why is that the liberal and nonfundies marriages are the longest?

 

[Lycorth]

Why is that the liberal and nonfundies marriages are the longest?

 

Tell me about it - I noticed that even during my rabid Catholic days. My relatinship right now can easily be described as quite liberal; my fiancee and I love each other and are deeply committed, but we're terrible pervs. Contrast that to my last relationship, where the girl I was engaged to was a rabid Catholic (as was I at the time). In the end, our religious differences (and even the most rabid Xians have them because it's human nature to have an individual take on religion despite all the dogmatizing one accepts) really contributed to the breakdown - namely her slave-like devotion to her church. I suspect that if I married the last one, that'd be one ugly marriage, whereas when I wed my fiancee, we'll have a very strong marriage, and a lot of fun besides.

 

Marriage has been around way longer than Christianity, it was a custom started in ancient times that used to be forced and still is in many cultures. I'm quite thankful that I was able to choose the person I want to hopefully spend the rest of my life with.

 

Very true; marriage is a human institution, not a heavenly one. There is no evidence of any god establishing the concept of marriage, and all the evidence in the world that human beings came up with this idea. It exists in all ancient cultures in some form or another, and certainly the Xian god didn't appear to those dirty Heathen scum to reveal the heavenly idea of marriage It's one of the things I hate most about Xianity, that it claims to be the source of anything good in society.

[Mike D]

I've never been married, but I can also say it's definitely not for me. I've seen too many people (including my own parents) endure years of unhappiness only to throw their hands up in the end and get divorced, leaving nothing but a mess in their wake. What a complete waste.

 

That's not to say that I don't think people can find the love of their life, get married and be happy till death do you part, but I think those people are in the minority.....and divorce statistics also seem to support that.

[Poonis]

I always think that if i get married, it will end in #1 bitterness of divorce. If I were to sublet this, it boils down to the following:

 

1. Child Custody

2. Child Support

3. Alimony

4. Asset Forfeiture

 

I have a plan, though. If I plan on getting married, I will life a life of poverty for when the time for divorce materializes. If I do not get married, then I will forge ahead with my life as it is now.

[Angel]

 

 

Happy anniversary, Angel!

 

Thank you!

[jrmarlin]

It's funny this post resurfaced to the top. I have been helping a friend go through a messy divorce as I stated in another post.

 

As for marriage, I got a divorce; however, I believe my ex and I were too young when we embarked on marriage to know we were getting into something way more than "Playing House." I think a lot of younger people believe that marital bliss is automatic because most times - at least, from my own experience - parents I have known seldom showed the ugly fights and disagreements over pet peeves.

 

Marriage between two people can be a very beautiful thing if both remember its a partnership in the ultimate sense. I also believe that people have to be on the same page in a ton of areas in life, philosophy and outlook to make a marriage really work at an optimum level. It is not all about sex without protection and a sure date on national holidays. There is a whole lot more to it. Both have to have achieved a strong sense of self -- and a sense of self within a couple before heading down the path to marital bliss.

 

The fairey tales never tell of what happens after the wedding. This is unfortunate because I feel this only leads to the misconception that marriage is a cake walk. However, if everyone is working in sync towards common goals with shared morality then marriage can't be beat!

 

All this being said, I am not opposed to pre-nups. They are vital and should be a part of every marriage "contract" as that is what a marriage in a sense is, a contract between two people...

[Fweethawt]

Everybody forgot the unspoken impacts, structure and mechanics of marriage. It's really a very impressive and complex infrastructure................. *clipped large post*

 

Oh Reeby, you can be so longwinded sometimes. I don't know why you didn't just come in here and say, "Hey y'all, it's cheaper to keep her."

[Taphophilia]

I have given a great deal of thought to what went wrong in my marriage. I would say without hesitation that the fact that I married one of the biggest ASSHOLES on the planet was a major contribution to it's demise.

 

Now for those who think I may be bitter in calling my ex an ASSHOLE I would like give an example of his ASSHOLENESS:

 

He not only refused to take me to the hospital when I begged him to do so, when I had acute peritonitis, was in severe pain, and vomiting blood, but he also made fun of me when I told him I thought I would die if I didn't get medical attention. Then he walked out the door leaving me to care for a two year old and newborn baby.

 

Asshole/Bitch radar is very important when seeking a marriage partner.

[Fweethawt]

Now for those who think I may be bitter in calling my ex an ASSHOLE I would like give an example of his ASSHOLENESS:

As long as you had dinner made and the kitchen was cleaned up before he got back home, I really don't see the problem here.

 

 

 

 

 

*frantically searches for nearest bunker*

[Taphophilia]

Now for those who think I may be bitter in calling my ex an ASSHOLE I would like give an example of his ASSHOLENESS:

As long as you had dinner made and the kitchen was cleaned up before he got back home, I really don't see the problem here.

 

 

 

 

 

*frantically searches for nearest bunker*

 

That is just one of those examples in a marriage where you can pinpoint the moment where you fell out of love and began to hate their fucking guts.

[jrmarlin]

I know in my situation I never hated my spouse but there are lots of incidences where I didn't like him at all. He was judgmental and dogmatic in life in general. It turned more into boredom with him than anything else. It was a shame because the sex was great but as for other life focuses and goals, we were on completely different pages. And we were completely uncompatible in many areas other than the physicality aspects of marriage that the pain of leaving was far less than the pain of staying.

 

Taph, I feel for you. I know it sucks to be in that position; however, there is always a way out. It's having the guts to get out -- there within lies the truth strength of being an individual.

 

It takes a lot of guts to call it quits. Much more than anyone ever gives anyone credit for the act of leaving -- but it is always a good thing when you do find someone you are truly compatiable with and that's a good day!

[Fweethawt]

Now for those who think I may be bitter in calling my ex an ASSHOLE I would like give an example of his ASSHOLENESS:

As long as you had dinner made and the kitchen was cleaned up before he got back home, I really don't see the problem here.

*frantically searches for nearest bunker*

That is just one of those examples in a marriage where you can pinpoint the moment where you fell out of love and began to hate their fucking guts.

I hope you didn't take my comment the wrong way. The way you worded it lead me to think that you did indeed get out of that relationship. So, I didn't think it would be that big of a deal to poke a little fun at it. That's all.

 

It was either that, or I go into a rant about how I would love to beat men like that to a point where my fists are nothing more than little piles of dripping hamburger.

[Taphophilia]

I've since divorced his sorry ass.

 

I stayed with him so long because I was a Christian at the time.

I had made a vow to god for better or for worse and just because I'd gotten the worst instead of the better I was still under the obligation of my vow. He finally had an affair and I was relieved. It was my ticket out of hell.

 

Fwee,

 

I thought your comment was hilarious!