My Husband Is Angry

[Bael]

When my husband was a Christian it seemed he was always struggling with depression. He was always down about this or that. Then he finally gave up his beliefs. Now he cusses all the time. He even gives people the finger on the freeway. He doesn't believe people are good inside. He says that even the best Christian friends he had are all selfish people who really only care about themselves. I feel that he is right to a point but that he shouldn't be so negative all the time. I use to know him before he became a Christian, he was so easy going and happy. Then I had to get him to become a Christian now I feel that it is my fault. He won't get counseling. What can I do?

[Lycorth]

Ughhhh... I wish I could help. I know that when I deconverted, I was pretty negative all the time, but that was on account of a bad, bad breakup, not the deconverstion. Is there something else that can be bugging him badly enough? Or possibly he's just having a hard time coming out of the cult?

[white_raven23]

How long ago did he leave christianity?

 

One of the pressures of the "cult" is that anger and negativity are "not allowed", and bad feelings aren't felt by "real" christians....who are perpetually content with shiny clean faces.

 

To abandon religion is to finally feel permitted to FEEL. And the more you sense that the religion you left had pulled the wool over your eyes, the more angry you feel. And now you are actually allowed to feel it. But there is also a lot of pent up, backlogged anger too. Which is why places like this forum are beneficial as safe "venting" zones for all that backed up emotion.

 

When you look around and see just how deeply imbedded religion is in our society, even where you see non-religious people unknowingly affected by it....there is a LOT to be angry about.

 

Your hubby needs a place where he can REALLY vent......then he'll probably be less openly hostile in general.

 

Hope this helps.

[Eponymic]

there is a LOT to be angry about.

 

Your hubby needs a place where he can REALLY vent......then he'll probably be less openly hostile in general.

 

Hope this helps.

 

As much as anything, yes hopefully he will get it out of his system & realize he doesn't have to be that way. As much as anything the more you can show him what there is to be positive about, the more he will start to realize it. No forcing it or anything, but just giving a positive viewpoint & angle towards things will start opening & turning his mind back into the positive machine that it was when you first met him.

[snookums]

Angry...is a perfectly normal response to situations or whatever is bothering your hub. Especially Re: the transition into a different life. Christianity doesn't really allow for the expression of 'anger' and maybe more of the emotions a human being is capable of feeling.

 

Its difficult to be around 'anger' but to get someone else to progress out of it so its more comfortable for you isn't really possible or a good thing for the person.

 

Try and stick it out...and ask yourself what 'anger' is communicating to you.

 

Frankly I'd get very angry if someone was telling me that I 'should'n't be so negative all the time' if that's how I was feeling.

 

People who are angry usually want/need to be listened to and their feelings acknowledged.

 

Its normal.

[Bael]

Thanks, I really like what you all shared. I will write more later.

[Fweethawt]

From what I've learned by my own experiences and those of a lot of people here on this site, there is a lot of anger that is felt once you realize that the religion was all just a mental game/illusion.

 

So far, we all seemed to have pulled through to a point where we aren't so negative (all of the time). Perhaps your husband needs more time to work through this? I don't really know. Everybody is different.

 

How long has your husband been out?

[pitchu]

Bael, this is a tricky but potentially potent tack to try... it's often worked for me:

 

When you genuinely understand and agree with the point of his anger, let him know it. With strong conviction, but not anger.

 

He'll likely feel relieved that someone gets what's going on with him; he'll see you more as a partner than an adversary or wet blanket or wife-cowering-in-corner; he'll feel effective instead of stymied; he'll learn, from observing you, a method of expressing his feelings which will ultimately serve him (and you!) better.

 

But don't fake it. He'll know, and he'll get even madder.

[Bael]

My husband said he quit believing about 2 years ago but we still were going to church up until last September. Thanks Pitchu I will try it.

[Amethyst]

Writing is a good way to release emotions. Suggest that he keep a journal (and you should promise not to read it without his permission, because everyone needs a safe place to vent without the possibility of being judged).

 

Exercise is also a healthy way to release pent-up emotions.

 

But, keep in mind that not all anger is unhealthy. It's much, much healthier to express it than to bottle it up inside and then explode when something or someone lands on the hair-trigger.

[Bael]

Just yesterday he came home really upset about his job. He is a teacher who has done quite a lot for his school. Well, they have this award every year for "Teacher of the Year" Every year someone else gets the award. He always feels that they get it for popularity. He points out that he puts in more effort, more of his free time and money but that he doesn't have the right friends and he doesn't get the recognition that he deserves. I kinda feel that the award shouldn't matter to him and that its is the satisfaction of his job that should be important. But he doesn't see it that way. I just wish he would be the happy person I use to know.

[pitchu]

Could you hand-make an award for him? For whatever you see? Maybe "Struggler of the Year" or "Rookie Freethinker of the Year." He may just want (and deserve) some damn award.

 

It's been my experience that most men are so very different from most women in their need for recognition from the wider world. As little boys, they seem to have a keener attachment to the idea of their "destiny" and of the need to "make something of themselves."

 

I don't know how old your husband is, but if he's of an age that's putting pressure on him to attain some level of recognition for his life's efforts (before it's too late! ), this could be a particularly hard time for him, given that so much of his life would have been given over to spiritual endeavors he's now disavowed. The sense of wasted effort and resources may be putting him in a kind of crisis now.

 

He may not be able to be the happy man you knew -- not if that man's happiness was pinned to the conviction that his reward for his goodness awaited him in the hereafter. But he may be able to become another kind of happy man.

 

It sounds like you love him deeply, Bael. You may want to think about how to start from beginning places of happiness with him -- the smallest most uncomplicated bright moments, gifts, memories, as signs to him of your love for him and your conviction of his worthwhileness. And he may even fight these off, preferring his state of self-denigration and his fury at feeling that beating up on himself is all that he deserves.

 

Meanwhile, you need to find rewards for yourself, too, just for suffering through this with him.

 

All of this is just what I'm gathering from what you write and what I've observed in my own relationships, and it may not be on target for you and him at all. So just take it for what it's worth, okay?

 

I'm so sorry you're feeling such distress.

[Angel]

Hi there,

 

I know when I left first left christianity, I was angry and negative alot because I felt so deceived, especially after devoting more than 12 years of my life to it.

As far as the award, maybe he feels that all of his efforts are under appreciated and under valued and would like some recognition that he is good at what he does. I know that if I have tried my best and given my all, if someone else walked off with an award that I felt that I deserved (and to boot, they received it because they are popular), that would make me angry and feel like a failure......which would also help along that anger he has been feeling. I wished that I had some advice to give, but I am at a loss. I certainly hope that things improve and that he is starting to feel better about things and about himself. Take care.

[Bael]

Thank you for all the good advice.

[ynotbegoodtoall]

When my husband was a Christian it seemed he was always struggling with depression. He was always down about this or that. Then he finally gave up his beliefs. Now he cusses all the time. He even gives people the finger on the freeway. He doesn't believe people are good inside. He says that even the best Christian friends he had are all selfish people who really only care about themselves. I feel that he is right to a point but that he shouldn't be so negative all the time. I use to know him before he became a Christian, he was so easy going and happy. Then I had to get him to become a Christian now I feel that it is my fault. He won't get counseling. What can I do?

 

Tell him to write his ex-imony down. Start from the beginning, and work up to the present. Tell him to write it all down, why he started to doubt his religion, what brought him to whatever conclusions he's at, and so on. Writing it down helps because he can get his thoughts straight, and he can take on each thing that angers him individually. I wrote my eximony that I titled the Godly Christlike Atheist as a sort of personal identification. It helps me understand where I am today and how I got here.

 

Hey and if that won't work, tell him to try Prozac or Wellbutrin, jk.

 

Good Luck.

[jjacksonRIAB]

When my husband was a Christian it seemed he was always struggling with depression. He was always down about this or that. Then he finally gave up his beliefs. Now he cusses all the time. He even gives people the finger on the freeway. He doesn't believe people are good inside. He says that even the best Christian friends he had are all selfish people who really only care about themselves. I feel that he is right to a point but that he shouldn't be so negative all the time. I use to know him before he became a Christian, he was so easy going and happy. Then I had to get him to become a Christian now I feel that it is my fault. He won't get counseling. What can I do?

 

I've been known to cuss or flip people off on the freeway. When people threaten me, I give them my address. What's wrong with that? I agree it's rude, but counseling?

 

[Guest singlecoil]

It's possible that his anger has nothing to do with his deconversion and more to do with work (just another idea). I know that I am much happier since I left the church, but my job has been a constant source of anger and frustration and the need to vent that frustration has nothing to do with my lack of belief.

 

I enjoy venting my traffic frustration now though because I don't have to go ask anyone to forgive me afterward. Maybe in traffic he is just enjoying his new found freedom?

[Amethyst]

Yeah, I get a lot of venting done in traffic because I can't safely vent out loud at work. I don't flip people off, but I do call them names (with my windows rolled up, of course. There are way too many crazy people who might actually go after me for that). I also vent on my blog sometimes. It's better to get it released in a healthy manner than to bottle it up until the last straw touches the camel's back.

[Guest singlecoil]

I do prefer yelling at people to flipping them off because, like you, I don't want to get shot. But every once in awhile you just need to give someone the digit.

[jjacksonRIAB]

My brother related to me a road rage incident he was involved in. A guy intentionally cut him off and so my brother got a little hotheaded and started returning the favor.

 

Guy sped off and at the next intersection he was standing there with a scattergun in his hands. My brother stopped doing that.

 

Me, I learn things the hard way, but if a guy did that to me and I managed to win somehow, I wouldn't be opposed to a little bit of cannibalism just to prove I mean business.