Drifted away from God

[ag_NO_stic]

On 10/30/2018 at 8:26 PM, LeKopo said:

Hi. Not sure who lurks these forums or who cares, but here's my story hoping someone can understand and relate.

It all started out with me going into depression and entering into darkness. It was scary, it was away from love and light. It felt like it was impossible to be normal ever again. I was in this state for about 2 months. Coming out of that, though, I was for some reason drawn to God. I was interested in the truth about existence. I would watch evolution vs creation, God vs Science, debates and it really felt like God was calling my name and drawing me to Jesus. There was a moment where it felt like I accepted Christ into my heart and believed he died for me. This pretty much started my supposed journey with God and my spiritual life. The first 3 months I was on absolute fire for God and had such strong faith. I went to church, read the Bible, prayed, etc. but it came to the point where I was living 2 lives. I was living my old life and doing the  things I used to do, spending time with old friends etc. and this cut me in half with God because it felt like I had to have sorrow and repent every time I'd turn away from that.

It got to the point where it felt there was nothing new to learn in Christianity and I started to look wider than Christianity and a little into Islam, and found that billions of people from different religions had the exact same conviction that they were going to heaven. And over a period of 2-3 months I drifted away from God, Christianity and started to circum back to my 5 senses. There was a point where I didn't have the passion for God and Christianity in my heart anymore and it felt like God's Spirit had turned away from me like a point of no return. I then had a mental breakdown and couldn't sleep for days and entered into a psychotic episode where I was seeing different things in people, delusions, couldn't eat, etc. I felt like an absolute zombie. People around me didn't understand and thought I was being weird so they couldn't help the fact I was really sick in the mind. My mum took me to the doctors and then transferred me to the hospital where I got medication and came into contact with mental health professionals. I then got sleep and started to heal and I feel back to how I was before depression and the roller coaster I went through.

But I still fear the lake of fire and punishment. I fear that God hates me and set some kind of curse on me. I also feel the sense of loneliness and emptiness, exactly how you do when you breakup with a lover in the real world.

My question is, does it get better? Are you able to overcome this fear? Am I actually going to hell and how do I live a life that is not bothered by this fear of doom and loneliness by breaking up with God.

 

No one can say with 100% certainty that hell exists, but we really have no reason to think it does at all. The only reason you think so is because some dumbass taught you the concept along the way. It was introduced by humans who thought they were speaking for god or maybe even just to control other humans with fear. But we're all just making it up as we go along. 

 

In answer to your question about it getting better, YES!!! 10000%! And, unfortunately, the best healer for you here is time. I know, your mind is racing, panic comes up randomly, the fear can be stifling and overwhelming and feel like it will never end. I got a lot of good advice on this site that has come true though. Just take a breath. After that breath, take another one. No need to rush this process, it's part of getting out of the indoctrination. Continue to breathe and remind yourself that nobody has the answers. With each breath, accept that you don't have control over it. We can't control whatever it is that happens to us when we die. Christians pretend that they do, but it's honest foolishness and ignorance. If christian predestination is real, you couldn't do anything about it. If hell is contingent on your choice to believe, well you don't. You can't make yourself believe if you don't. You can't control if you are convinced or not and, if there's a supreme being, where he wants to put you assuming he gives a shit.

 

If some kind of hell exists, it could be Thor's, the ancient egyptians, muslims....reincarnation....Jews don't even believe in it, and they believe in the christian god too. Hell will probably be more fun anyway, if we have brains in an afterlife outside of a physical realm that function enough like they do now to register pain, hell is probably air conditioned by now. 

 

Everything is going to be okay.  -hug- 

[jupiter789]

Hey man, I feel for you! What has helped me tremendously in getting over irrational fears (like hell, damnation, all that) was studying more about the origin of hell, the Jesus Story, etc...  Did you know that out of Mohamed, Jesus, King Arthur, and Dracula, Dracula is the only real historical character?  His story became legend, but his real name was Vlad III son of Vlad Dracul born 1431 (we think)  which means "Vlad the Dragon" Neat, huh! My degree is in History.  History set me free.  I just needed to be ready to accept what I would learn.  Youtube is full of videos you can watch for free.  Check out AronRa - I kind of stole the Dracula bit from one of his lectures, I think.  He's amazing!