Sometimes I Really Really Just Want To Lie About It.

[Guest Zoe Grace]

There are times when I really deeply regret my family ever finding out about my unbelief. I wish that I could not let my anger and outspokenness get the better of me, that I hadn't looked at this from my perspective but from theirs. At the time I was all worried about my "rights" to be me.

 

What good are rights when your family is all broken down and crying over their superstitious beliefs about your soul?

 

Sometimes I want to lie. I've fantacized about creating an elaborate lie about coming back to jesus ( I would go to a different church of course, cause i wouldn't really go. Hell I dont' want to waste THAT much time on the lie.) you know, to comfort my family, so they can stop worrying about it and get as much happiness out of their lives as they can.

 

My mother broke down and had a crying fit over it tonight and was babbling about the devil like some delusional psychopath. And less than a week ago, my grandmother was crying about the same thing. I know supposedly when dealing with a delusional person you shouldn't feed that person's delusion, but the bible belt feeds it for them.

 

I cannot begin to understand the mind of someone who believes truly in a "loving" god who would do to me what they think he would do, and yet they still love said being. It's insane. The entire thing is just so fucked up. I don't know what to do about them. I know this is emotional manipulation.

 

But I also know they aren't orchestrating this to get me to go along with them, they truly believe these things and fear for my soul.

 

I know if i lied, I couldn't keep up such an elaborate scheme forever. I don't know what to do. I feel guilty that they are in pain because of my nonbelief...but then I feel angry that I am made to feel guilty because of their retarded superstition. help.

[Checkmate]

Hello, Zoe! Long time, no "see". I'm sorry to hear about your dilemma, m'love. And as much as I wish that I could help you, I can't. My "easy answer jar" is empty. Again.

 

The problem as stated is NOT yours, but your loved ones. THEY are the ones who are screwed up and they need to get over their delusions. They are the ones who need counseling, not you. I'm certain you've talked until you're blue in the face. You've probably given them all sorts of resources to read, and attempted to mollify their unfounded fears. All to no avail. It's like the saying goes, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." Well, you can lead a theist to common sense, but you can't make them think either.

 

I would not return to church or pretend re-conversion. You couldn't keep up the charade, and in the end your family would be hurt even more by your lying about it.

 

I say just keep being the decent human that you are and eventually, maybe, they will see the light. Rome wasn't built in a day. It took US a long time to escape the cult. Give them some time.

 

And if they NEVER get over it, then that's just one more reason for you to hate Christianity. But don't you DARE accept the blame yourself. You've done nothing wrong.

[All Gods Fail]

Zoe-

 

That's a tough spot to be in. I'm becoming more and more convinced that, as far as 'born & raised' ex-christians go, it just isn't that good an idea to come clean and tell your religious family and friends you don't believe. I've heard a lot of new converts worry about doing this, and I really think it's unnecessary. Let them figure it out over time. You might be able to avoid crying moms and terrible guilt.

 

After all, we're not under some kind of obligation to broadcast our beliefs (like the xtians have to). Stop going to church, bible studies, choir practice, etc., and everyone will eventually get the picture. It might help soften the blow, and give anxious family members more time to adjust.

 

But since the cat's out of the bag, I'll echo Grinchy's advice. It's not your fault you wised up. Your family will have to understand that eventually, but it's not your problem.

 

Just try to be the same loving daughter to them you always have, is my advice. Your family sounds like they're basically pretty decent folk, so I'm sure they will be glad to see you by leaving the faith you didn't become a crackhead/Satanist/lesbian/commie and are still their 'little girl'.

 

Patience is the key!

[Manta]

Agreed, patience is the key here. In the meantime, go outside and enjoy life in whichever way you prefer. There's nothing quite like being able to explore all of those things you've never let yourself do in the name of theism.

 

When it comes to your family, tell them the truth, you can't believe something which makes no logical sense, no matter how much they wave the bible in your face. If the devil works with logic and god works with rhetoric and unquestioned faith, then they're on the wrong side.

[Amethyst]

*Sends hugs*

 

Zoe, it is not your fault that your family cannot accept you for who you are. They are emotionally manipulating you, and from all accounts doing a good job of it. You're going to have to stand up to them even though it's hard. Don't be rude about it, but be assertive.

 

America is still a free country. You have the right not to believe. Don't let anyone else take that right away from you.

[LosingMyReligion]

Zoe, I'm going through the samething you are. However, I made the mistake of telling my mom that I am questioning the bible...That I don't agree with everything(primarily because I'm gay so I sorta have to for my own sanity)in it...

 

I agree with everyone else. Just stop attending church and everything altogether and lead your life. It is hard dealing with "true believers"in Christianity. There is no reasoning with them, and there is no compassion(even though they believe they are the most compassionate non judgemental people in the universe).

You just have to be yourself. Eventually they will stop crying and believing that you will goto hell.

[Curtdude]

....They are successfully sucking me back into their religion. Not in belief, but by keeping me in some way enslaved to their beliefs, if through no other tool than emotional manipulation.

 

I'm just not having that. Unfortunately. I'm the grown up now. And they aren't.

 

Hi Zoe, Long time no see!

 

That is a very sensible insight you wrote. Ain't that the truth. The enslavement of religion can be our totally annoying preoccupation with it, even if we think it's bunk (which btw, it most certainly is).

 

Hehehehe, I moved 900 miles to get away from this kind of emotional manipulation and sometimes even flat out arguments. It helps to be far away from it, but I still have to deal with the "I'm prayin' for you" crap over the phone.

 

Along with TheGrinch, I have no easy answers, except what you said at the end: "I'm the grown up now." Part of being grown up (I've learned very slowly...I'm rather thick-headed) is that sometimes those we love hurt us. Damnit. And there's no resolution. It just hurts.

 

Take care.

[Lycorth]

I haven't yet mustered up the testicular fortitude to tell my folks, and it may be better that way - both of them are in ill health and telling them, even though they're really quite soft on Xianity, may be too much for them to hear (that I've left the family religion and all). So while I'd love to pull something out of my seemingly-bottomless Easy Answer Jar™ for you, I'm pretty much at a loss.

 

But not wholly. All I can say is the stuff you may not want to hear. Just hang in there, distance yourself from your family if you must, but don't let the meme force you into apeing Xian behavior to appease anyone. You've gone out of the closet, and it will not serve you one bit to go back in. All you can do is just keep being the good human you know you are, and stay the course. Religion is nothing to bust up a family over and never should come between friends, but if others are using it as an excuse to let it constantly come between you, the best thing you can do is just put some space between you and the offenders, continue to be polite and show that you're loving, and still show that you're a part of the family even though they insist on treating you like an alien creature.

 

Good luck to you and I really hope things pan out. I know I'll be in a similar situation someday...

[Ro-bear]

I'm sorry your folks are so worked up about this, Zoe; that's a real price to pay for being yourself. I'd like to add my opinion to that of others here who have rightly pointed out that this situation is not your fault, so don't let that consideration add to your burden.

 

Best wishes from the friendly apostates chez Ro-bear and family.

[pitchu]

I'm glad to see you posting again, Zoe, but sorry you've had five years of this torment.

 

What you say is true -- you can't change them.

 

After more than three years of relative estrangement from my fundy daughter, we've gradually come to making tentative and carefully constructed outreaches to each other. She sends me the non-charismatic school work of my grandkids; I send them non-inflammatory gifts (not all that easy to find, btw), and we exchange rare but kind emails.

 

There's a sad removedness to our relationship, but it's truly all we can manage.

 

Maybe you could set some guidelines for what's acceptable interaction.

[godlessgrrl]

Ouch. Clingy, emotionally manipulative family is a pain. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, etc.... though not much on the issue of religion, fortunately. I've been lucky.

 

I guess the only thing I could say is kind of to reiterate what's already been said. Your family took the blue pill. There's nothing anybody can do about that. It's their choice. They've learned and remained with a belief system that causes them mental anguish of a sort, but it's their own damn fault. Not yours. Could they ever get out of the system? Who knows? When it comes down to it, I think that human beings in general tend to stick with what serves them - and for whatever reason, I suppose it serves your family to have taken the blue pill, and to keep acting the way they do and believing what they do. There's nothing you can do about that.

 

That said, there's no reason you have to take their bullshit, either. If they're just way too sobby and manipulative and intense, I think it'd be perfectly fair to draw a line. Like if your mom goes into a sobbing fit or whatever, to tell her gently that you can't talk to her when she's upset and emotional like that, but you'll be happy to talk with her later when she's calmed down. And then leave. Or hang up, or whatever. Or maybe your idea of some kind of physical distance is a good one - just something to draw a line and let them know that you just aren't willing to deal with them when they're being whiny emotional leeches about everything.

 

I dunno. My advice is free, but I don't know what your family are like overall, so mostly what I hope is that you manage to understand somehow that it isn't your fault at all, and it's okay not to put up with it. And that I hear ya and wish you luck.

[Merlinfmct87]

I know this sounds cold and heartless

 

No, it doesn't. You are being put on an emotional rack and you are sick of it. Wanting off isn't heartless, it's a given of being human.

 

Putting up with manipulation and constant guilt trips is not a requirement of being 'a good little girl/daughter.' This comes from personal experience.

 

If they won't stop laying emotional mines for you to set off, the only thing for it is to tell them to shove it. They can grovel and pummel happily without your contribution.

 

Merlin

[pitchu]

They can grovel and pummel happily without your contribution.

 

 

Ay, and a fine mental picture of Fundies in Action i'Tis!

[Ms. K]

There really is no easy answer.

 

As much as I would loooooove to tell my husband's parents that I am no longer Christian, and it's people JUST LIKE THEM that have played a big part in waking me up from the brainwashing, that would not be respectful of Mr. K.

 

However, they fully deserve the gleeful look on my face, and the announcement that not only am *I* not Christian, the kiddo is not Christian, either. In fact, the kiddo wants to be Wiccan. I don't really practice much of any religion, but I describe myself as a firmly agnostic deist with vaugely pagan leanings.

 

But, we don't speak to them at all, I haven't spoken to them since September, and Mr. K has not spoken to them since January. That's because they play the emotional blackmail game, and have all of Mr. K's life, not to mention, the completely shitty things they say to me, to my daughter, and about all of us.

 

My point to you is this: My in-laws play the same emotional games your family does. They think they are right, and we are wrong, and it DOESN'T MATTER if it's the subject of religion, or politics, or the way we dress, or where we live, we're always going to be wrong, so to them, they are completely justified in their bullshit. Your family is always, always, always going to justify their horrible behavior because they are trying to "save your soul".

 

You can either give up the dream of having a normal relationship with them, and that's hard, I know that, believe me, I'm living it with Mr. K EVERY DAY. Or, you can deal with what you've got, and make the best of it.

 

The choice is truly up to you. I can tell you that I would probably give up having a "normal" relationship, and deal with the outcome *I* wanted. And that's what I have done. And that's what Mr. K has had to ultimately do.

[Purple]

My mother really is very cool and fun when she's not being a psycho.

 

If it is any consolation, that is what my 18 year old says about me, and I'm certainly not a fundy.

[Manta]

It appears to be going better for you already. If you have your Mum respecting you, it won't be long before others follow suit. Just remember that thoughts can't be heard, they will still worry about you silently. Don't get aggrivated with this, just accept it.

 

Keep posting if you feel that it helps. But if you're just getting angry every time you do, then I urge you to stop.

[BlueGiant]

Good to see you back, Zoe, for starters.

 

WRT your family , I guess there isn't much more to say in the advice department, you'll do what you have to do.

 

Hopefully they will realize what they were doing (not sure if they would realize it until it was pointed out to them).