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This is my story, feel free to comment.


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Hi everyone

Just a disclaimer, I am not on here to be rude, argue with you or be mean, I'm just here to tell my story, you may agree or disagree that is your right!


So here goes, I'm a South african woman, I grew up in a church called the "NG church" which is a chirstian church, but to be honest more focussing on the old testament aswell, strict rules and a constant fear of going to hell, much like the church the Simpsons go to ha ha!


I grew out of it, didn't really go to church for years after that, but always believed in God. I always felt he was watching over me.


Last 1/2 years I was a born again christian, I went to church 3 times a week and even got baptised. I felt a connection with God and I felt like my life was amazing and perfect, but that was a great delusion.

The Chruch led me to believe that if I praised God, give some money to the church and live a godly lifestyle that my life would be amazing, and that I could get what I want eg money or a car or job or cured of any sickness if I had one. And I believed it all, but you see its all about a mindset, I was in a mindset that it went well so I felt like it did, at the end isn't it about what you make of it?


I've had prophets of God come to me and tell me a lot about my life and predictions, that still bother me and scare me till this day. I was without work for 4 years and very depressed about it, the church said to me well have you prayed enough? Have you had enough faith that you will get a job? The answers to both were yes, but still the church said okay, maybe God didn't want you to work, or maybe this is just part of Gods devine plan, which to me was absurd! I needed a job to get money and grow. 


Strangely Christians had an answer to anything, and if they didn't have an answer they would simply say: well just keep praying and believing or God is in control and you should trust him. I did all that, but I realised if you want something you got to work for it, you can't just pray and expect it to happen and learned that the hard way!


Love has always been an issue for me, I always felt a desire to be loved and married one day and still do, there had been Christians telling me that doesn't even know me: God doesn't want you to marry thats not his plan for you but to serve Him. But some then would say God placed desires in your heart? Which confused me and hurt me. 


These days I look back and realise how delusional I was, like a dream world. A lot more confused me, like a pastor who would pray for you and you just collapse to the ground? Of Gods power? That never happened to me before, I always thought what is wrong with me? Everyone is falling but me? Have I little faith? Thats what they told me.


To be honest I still believe in God, and Jesus, but I don't understand Him, or a lot in this sick world. I still have the fear of burning in hell for eternity just because I don't pray or have a strong relationship with God anymore. 


Christianity is about loving God and people, I still do both, but still my mind spins alot of all that unanswered questions I have and I know people on here is going to say to me be an athiest and get on with it, but I don't want to be and please respect it! 

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