A funeral

[SmallStone]

My grandmother died a month ago. TIA, but save your condolences for those that really need them. She suffered a massive stroke ten years ago and has battled with numerous other maladies since. She was 87. Her life was full and joyful. I would feel sad if I hadn't had so much time to prepare and wasn't so overwhelmed with the joy of having known her.

 

My Gma was a Baptist. She used to be a Sunday School teacher. One Halloween (~1955), Gpa & Gma were throwing a party for the kids in the 'hood. The minister came by and gave them a good scolding for celebrating the devil's holiday. My Gpa ran him off the property with the pitchfork that was part of his costume, yelling "You come back here you sonuvabitch, you're gonna meet the devil on the end of this pitchfork if I catch you". Gpa is a crank of truly unbelievable proportions. It's a majestic thing really. That ended their church attendance. To the best of my knowledge, Gpa was never too religious. He surely isn't now. Gma continued to believe all of her life but didn't participate publicly after the pitchfork incident. She was kind about her belief, but was a hell of a teetotaler.

 

My first cousin is, however, very religious. Insanely so. I'm sure the Christian Church probably gets as much of their money as her and her family do. The minister from their church was chosen, in equitable fashion, to do the speaking. The funeral consisted of a 1 hour visitation at the funeral home, a 10 or 15 minute sermon/eulogy at the funeral home, a 5 or 10 minute sermon/eulogy at the cemetery, and then food and drink at the nearby Christian Church.

 

The visitation went as well as can be expected I guess. The first eulogy was typical. Nobody really knew the person whose virtues were being extolled. The sermon was another story. I tuned most of it out and have no clue what was said because I was busy sitting there looking at my Gma's face for the last time.

 

I did catch one thing though: Psalm 14:1. "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good". There were nine family members sitting in the front row, four of them openly non-religious. One of them being Gpa. I sat there boiling. By the time it was over and I had to help load her up, I was livid. It's one thing to know intellectually that xtianity corrupts humans to a point where they are no longer recognizable as such, it's one thing to remember what it is like to experience the result of that hideous transformation, but it's entirely another to experience it at an otherwise weak moment. It made me think of some of you guys here that deal with it personally on a more regular basis. I haven't dealt with it for some time. As usual, hats off to you people.

 

At the cemetery, Mr. Minister unleashed another bullshit fueled avalanche. I was really trying not to pay attention and was doing a pretty good job of it. I was thinking that I was glad that I could at least help heft my Gma around in her casket after she was kind enough to rock me in her rocker. I was standing there with my arm around my dad thinking about how he was doing, and about what son would put their arm around me when it came time to bury my own mother. In short, I was dealing. And the mother fucker says it again. "The fool hath said in his heart, There is no God. They are corrupt, they have done abominable works, there is none that doeth good". I gave up thinking about my Gma, my family, and myself and just withdrew ala Michael Valentine or Derek Flint. The only other option was to rip this thing's voice box out of its throat with my hands which, while just, would have been less than appropriate.

 

We left the cemetery men to their work and walked to the church. Though distraught, my mother was on the ball. She walked over to me and gave me a hug. "I know. I'm so proud of you. It will be over soon". Mom rocks. My sister was a wreck over Gma. I walked her over to the nearby grave of a childhood friend of ours that died in his youth. Car + liquor + tree == dead young man. Perspective rocks.

 

Once all fifteen or twenty of us were assembled in the refreshment area of the church, Mr. Minister launched into a blessing on the food. He got out a sentence or two and Gpa had had enough. As we were all standing there with our heads bowed, we heard: "Ok, that's godamn enough. I've been listening to this whiny bullshit all day and I've had enough of it. If I have to hear one more fucking word of it somebody is going to have to bury this yahoo today too. Now let's eat".

 

Friends, I wish you could have been there. Gpa worked in the boiler room of a factory all of his working life. He has shot guns all of his life. Without ear protection. When the man speaks, he yells. This time was no exception. His words boomed off of the ceiling and walls and drowned out the minister's voice as if, instead of Gpa, it was biblegod himself delivering a message. The prayer couldn't be finished. There was no 'amen'. He stormed off in a huff and did not show his face again.

 

The rest of the day passed without incident.

[Purple Rhino]

SmallStone,

 

I could've used your Gpa at many of my families funerals!

 

PR

[white_raven23]

Good for your grandpa!

 

Age-ism sucks, but occasionally works in one's favor. If anyone under 50 had said those words, there would have been social censure directed at them.

 

Your grandpa is worthy of my respect because he demands that which he deserves from others.

 

Funerals ar for those left behind. And as your grandma's life partner, he deserved respect and consideration from that pious dick.

 

Those "holies" like to think they are immune from people like us. That we'll all just quietly bear the tirade for as long as their voices can sustain them.

 

I hope you bought your grand-daddy a beer!

[♦ nivek ♦]

Gpa and Lazaus Long....

 

Good for the man and you who suffered through the All American Majik Show..

 

Condolences on her passing amigo, glad you had her in your life as fully as you did.

 

n

[narcissist]

Smallstone, your Grandpa rocks!

[Loren]

SmallStone, I LOVE your Grandpa!

 

I wish I could look the man in the eye and shake his hand.

[Fweethawt]

SmallStone, I LOVE your Grandpa!

 

I wish I could look the man in the eye and shake his hand.

 

A big fat ditto to what Loren said!

 

 

I've also taken a mental-note to not forget to look for an opportunity to do the very same thing in the event that I get a chance to.

 

 

jesusfuckin'christ! It was a damn funeral, not a revival!

[Eccles1:2]

They just won't put themselves in anybody else's place. Imagine how they'd be if someone took the opportunity at one of their funerals to point out how the bible contradicts itself and to explain how their departed friend didn't go to heaven after all.

 

Fortunately, my experience with the Anglican minister who presided when my Dad died Christmas 2003 was completely different. He was courteous, unobtrusive and compassionate, picking out only positive things about Dad's life that everyone could relate to.

 

SmallStone, I applaud your Grandpa. Next time you want to kill somebody, think of what he would say and you'll feel a little better.

[Reach]

How wonderful for you, Smallstone, that release you must have felt when dear old grandpa let those words fly! I think it was totally appropriate that he be the one to speak up.

 

While it's unfortunate for you that you were ever in this horribly uncomfortable situation, I admire your strength and resolve to restrain yourself so as not to make a scene at your grandmother's funeral. That says a lot about your own integrity.

 

I can imagine that you will make certain that your own funeral will never be anything like this one. I know I will.

 

Hats off to you!

Reach

[SmallStone]

Thanks for the kind words all. And yeah, the man is pretty incredible.

 

Gpa'a action on that day certainly dispelled a lot of tension. However, in the time since, I've realized that I really do need to write this asshole and let him know exactly what I think. I'll report any exchange in this thread.

[-Demona-]

It's been said several times already, but I just want to reiterate: your grandpa's awesome. It was well within his right, as your grandmother's life partner, to speak up.

 

And tough titty for the preacher man. From the sounds of it, he was quite the pompous ass and deserved to be put in his place by the man your grandma loved.

 

His words boomed off of the ceiling and walls and drowned out the minister's voice as if, instead of Gpa, it was biblegod himself delivering a message.

Just one thought comes to mind: "Mwahaha! I hope you captured that moment on film! "

[I Broke Free]

Thanks SmallStone, I love stories with happy endings.

 

Nothing is more presumptuous than a Christian planning a funeral! Everyone is supposed to “pretend” that the deceased would have wanted his life presented in such a fashion. It’s disgusting.

 

My parents made sure that neither Christian custom nor the funeral industry would mar their passing. Both of their cremations had been paid for in advance. There was no funeral, no fancy urn, no one making assumptions. We followed their instructions and had a backyard memorial service for both of them. Their neighbors, friends and old coworkers sat on lawn chairs and drank beer until the wee hours of the morning. We had a blast. On the following day, the immediate family drove up to the Mohave Desert and spread their ashes in their favorite spot overlooking a desolate valley.

 

Total cost for both deaths. Less than $1,500

The memories, priceless

[pitchu]

SmallStone,

 

Being a gma, myself, I'm heartened by your description of your love for her.

 

I'm absolutely ecstatic about your gpa's outburst. All day I'll be grinning, thinking that somebody, somewhere, stood up to a pious punk for all of us!

[dustmouse]

Props to you grandfather, my friend. That man is someone to be admired!

 

 

On another note:

 

jesusfuckin'christ! It was a damn funeral, not a revival! 

 

 

Has anyone ever been to a 'christian' funeral that wasn't made into a song-and-dance revival show on some level?

 

As I think back over all the years of funerals I have attended, only one was not - and that, while being held in a church, wasn't being led by a pastor. It was for a teacher in the school I graduated from and it was her 'Life Celebration', about a month or so after she died... and it was MC'd (so to speak) by her best friend, another teacher who is openly homosexual (a not looked well on thing where I grew up) and openly non-Christian (again, another not looked well on thing). But it was probably the most fulfilling memorial service I have ever been to.

 

 

All the rest have been made into "Life is short, come be saved by the blood of Christ now!" events. Even services for kids in my school who were more non-Christian than most who died (in my class, there was 1 suicide and 4 from car accidents). And all were made into shows.

 

 

 

So I ask, have you ever been to a service that WAS led by a pastor that WASNT made into a revival?

[☆ TexasFreethinker ☆]

We need more folk like your grandpa.

[Mr. Neil]

That's the greatest story ever.

[spidermonkey]

SmallStone ~

 

That reminds me of a funeral I went to about 6 years ago. One of my dad's church friends passed away from cancer. She was a member of the Assholes of Ghod cult I attended, but not her husband. From what I remember, he wasn't too fond of the church, and did NOT want our pasTARD giving the funeral. Her funeral was at a local non-fundy church. At one point, the pastor giving the service handed the mic over to our pasTARD who was there. I can't remember what all he said, but I do distinctly remember him giving an altar call. How tasteless to exploit someone's time of mourning for proselytizing!

 

I only caught a small glimpse of the husband's face as he walked out of the church with his sons after the service. He did NOT look happy at all, and I don't blame him! If only he had spoken up, like your grandpa!

[♦ nivek ♦]

Kellie's former boss at Library...

 

"Little Old Lady" of 68 passed from a congenital heart condition while in London on a trip she was taking with her granddauhters..

 

Mrs. T was a world traveller, a stockman/farmers wife, a Confederate hitorian, and RKI of the War of Yankee Aggression that was often called da and night for her expert research.

She rode horse, fed her critters, took care of her home, raised her crack addled daughter's kids as her own.

Shot like I could imagine Annie Oakly or Mrs Topper did with her rifle.

Grew, cooked, canned her own foods.

 

Proud to call her Sensei at School. One lipped off to her at risk of loosing body parts..

 

Was religiously part of a group of bible studiers who met in each others homes. never her heard her espouse any religous dogma,never argued the merits for or again' anything..

 

All around cool lady and friend to hundreds of persons both large and small.

 

I was proud to know her.

 

At her proceedin's the big haired minister asshole started to get off herife and onto the skyDaddie shit..

 

Ya know I had a bad case of allergies and had a big ole booger.. 'AWWWW BULLLL CHITTT!!" Several times.. I kinda ruined bighairs preeeeeching when politely as I could asked the gent to "get back on Mrs T's life" as that is what we were commemorating..

 

Kinda took wind outa buffalobutts sails..

 

I hate that shit, the preachers taking advantage of a captive audience..

 

"AwWWWwWWwWW BuLll chITTT!"

 

n