I Broke Free - Again

[I Broke Free]

It has been over two years and at least three or four message-boards ago since I first posted my anti-testimony. I could probably find a copy if I looked hard enough, but I think I would rather not be influenced by it. I do remember that I was much angrier than I am now. Much of the progress I have made in reducing my anger is due to the friends I have made her. (Pitchu and Reach certainly come to mind).

 

Much of the anger I was expressing was due to how Christianity was affecting me at the time, rather than when I was a member. I will be 45 next month, and my short stay in Christianity took place when I was only 16 and 17 years of age. Looking back that far is difficult for me; not because it is unpleasant, but just because it was so long ago. It is very difficult for me to remember the motivation behind my decision to join the Mormon Church. I can conjecture based on the troubles I was having at the time, but I cannot be certain that I am not going to leave something important out.

 

I grew up in an unusually stable and loving home. My parents married in their early 30’s; my father was fireman and my mother stayed at home with my older sister, my twin brother and me. My parents created a wonderful environment for us. We never moved and knew all our neighbors on the cul-de-sac by their first name. I never once saw my parents yell at each other in anger, let alone physically harm each other or us. It was very Leave-it-to-Beaver like.

 

My mother was moderately religious, at least to the point where she felt it was her responsibility to drag the family to church each Sunday. It was also obvious that my father, though obliging, did not care for the weekly outing much. Fortunately it was a very liberal denomination. The minister never scared me at all; he just bored the hell out me. All I can remember about Sunday school was felt boards, Jesus’ obsession with sheep, and the feeling that Alan Funt was about to break into the room and scream, “Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!” The whole Christian story felt like it was just that; a story. I couldn’t get over how seriously the adults were about it. I knew enough not raise my doubts with my mother, but my brother and I were certain that these people were just guessing. By the time my brother and I were eight years old, even my mother had gotten tired of the ordeal and we stopped going altogether.

 

My family remained healthy and close, even after leaving the church going behind us. I recall years of camping trips, outings, Disneyland and general good fun. My father and I became especially close. While I did not enjoy many of his favorite activities (bird hunting), I was always welcome as company and he insured that I would have a good time. I found that I could talk to him about anything; at least “almost” anything.

 

There was one thing that was starting to trouble me and I found it impossible to talk with anyone about it. From the time I as about nine or ten, I could remember looking at boys and thinking how cute they were. I was not ashamed about this because I had no idea what homosexuality was. I did know enough to keep it a secret, thinking it would go away, because hey “I’m normal.” When puberty hit at the age of 13, it was obvious to me that my attraction to boys was not going away, but instead had gained a sexual component that it did not have before. I was terrified! What very little I had heard about homosexuality was not good. Not good at all! I managed for the next three years by isolating my homosexuality to a different part of my brain dedicated to masturbation. The rest of time I was completely asexual and became quite good at ignoring it. Eventually though something had to give. This is where my hunt for a cure took me back to god, because the preachers on television could cure anything with God. This is also where much of what I am about to say is conjecture on my part.

 

I wanted more than anything to be heterosexual. It was the only family structure I was aware of that was capable of providing the love and belonging that I had known all my life. From what little I was allowed to get my hands on, homosexuals live a depraved, perverted, underworld existence; void of love and acceptance. (Remember, we are talking about the mid-1970’s) Taking that into account, I decided that what I needed was discipline and a strict social structure. That would be my ticket to a cure. So I began shopping for a church at the age of 16. My brother thought I had lost my mind. In between my sophomore and junior year I did my research. For reasons still unknown to me, I gravitated to both the Seventh Day Adventists, and the Mormons. (The wackier the better) Both seemed equally appealing. So how did I make up my mind? That was easy, the Mormon Church was more conveniently located; so I chose that one.

 

Looking back I can tell you this. The people I met there were really nice to me, but I was so out of place. There I was in church, 16 years old, and all by myself with no family around me at all. I am sure I made them uncomfortable. They had no idea I had an ulterior motive. They wanted me to bring my family in, but I kept making up excuses. If I was looking for structure, then I certainly found it. I did not have a minute to myself in the Mormon Church. I was busy six days a week with church activities, and yet the schedule and structure did nothing to eliminate my homosexuality. In fact I was having fantasies about the males in my Sunday school class. I was too embarrassed to discuss the issue with the church elders; instead I just kept trying to believe in the unbelievable. I figured if I actually believed this stuff, then maybe I would be cured. But how do you force yourself to believe in something that you think is a fairytale? I tried! I would write out what I was supposed to believe hundreds of times, thinking that would help. (I developed OCD at this time too.) But I knew in my heart that all faiths were just guessing. There was no point in continuing, so one day when I had crying fit on the way to church, I just gave up.

 

I was not crying because I failed to believe in god, I was crying because my attempt at becoming heterosexual had failed. I am not as angry now at the Mormon Church as I once was. Like I said, the people were very nice to me. I chose to join their funny little cult. I have read absolute horror stories from others here, and know my experience was tame in comparison. What angers me is how almost all Christian denominations treat homosexuals. The Mormons are just one of many. I eventually learned to accept myself for who I am. My sister and I both came out to our parents two weeks apart. It was a shock for both of them. My mother learned to accept it, and my father actually learned to embrace his gay children and show genuine pride in their relationships and accomplishments.

 

I guess I really don’t have an anti-testimony per se, since I never believed in the first place. What I do have is admonishment for the Christian faith. I just hate the way the use their Bible to justify their own prejudices and in the process destroy so many lives. Let’s face it. They’re just guessing!

[Purple Rhino]

Hey IBF,

 

Thanks for posting this. I'm glad that your experience wasn't as horrifying as some. Maybe someday future kids wont feel the need to seek out a 'cure' for their feelings. Personally I believe that if there were no bullshit preachers out there we as a society would be much further ahead with true acceptance of all persons.

 

It's great to see that today you're enjoying life and sharing your love with another.

 

Like me you didn't fail to cure your homosexuality you accomplished acceptance and self-love in a time where virtually no role models and very little understanding were available. Most opressed minorities have some influence at least with family for guidance and understading, ie. Jewish children with Jewis parent(s), but as a gay child there still is very little support to be found that feels safe.

 

It's a pleasure to get to know a little more about you, so thanks again for posting this.

 

PR

[I Broke Free]

Your welcome PR. I realized as I was writing my post lat night that compared to most people here, I have lived a relatively charmed life. I experienced no physical or sexual abuse as a child, in school, in church, or in either of my relationships. The only truly difficult period of my life was after the death of my first partner when I became a cocaine addict for three years. I could easily start looking for scapegoats for that happening, and for awhile I did. I learned though that if I did not take full responsibility for my addiction, I would never come out of it.

 

The main reason I spend so much time here is because it does allow me to recognize some of the “mental” abuse that I had to endure and did not even recognize it at the time. This was especially true during the period when I tried to be a Christian. I was a 16 year old frightened and naive kid looking for help, and all I found was a society and a church ready to confirm my worst fears about myself. I don’t want another a generation of gay kids to grow up in the same ignorance and fear that I did.

[pitchu]

IBF,

 

It's so good to read this re-visitation of your story.

 

In a way, the stress you put on how normal and "natural" your life has been is illuminating in and of itself: Even people with great sources of strength around them, and warm support from family can find their hopes and psyches dashed by the kind of xianity that promises cure but delivers poison.

 

Fortunately, as opposed to the years you were growing up, there are now many outreach programs available to GLBT kids. Even so, The Church continues to do its level best to counterract any benefit accruing to any individual who'd like to think s/he can be human without first forfeiting to Jesus his/her deep and unique humanity.

 

I'm so glad you're here!

[Reach]

IBF,

 

I have to say this is a hard thread to read. You said, "I wanted more than anything to be heterosexual." I grieve for several reasons and one of them is that your time and energy were wasted trying to merge into what you conceived as a "normal" world, with "normal" people. Because of society's rejection and villification and because of its "norms" you were made to suffer pain and deep, inner and very personal turmoil, needlessly. It should not have been that way. Also troubling is the onslaught of mixed emotions - namely guilt, heartbreak and fear - you had to contend with. How heartbreaking for any young person to come to an awareness of what, at such a tender age and according to his limited perspective and understanding, he does not want to be!

 

I celebrate with you that you came to accept your whole self.

 

I hesitated in responding here without more thought but I wanted to say thank you for sharing your life with us for the time you've been here; thank you for becoming the honorable man that you are and thank you for opening your heart to me when I was still a Christian and trusting me with your friendship. Knowing you has been both a privilege and a valuable education. You are a treasure to me.

 

Much love,

Reach

[I Broke Free]

Pitchu & Reach,

 

Thank you for chiming in here. (I knew you would) You both picked up on the major themes I was trying to incorporate into my testimony (I knew you would).

 

Yes, I was fortunate in many respects. As a boy, I became aware that I was not going to be able to fit into the prescribed mold presented to me by society and the church, but at least I had support in finding other options. For that I am truly grateful.

 

I can honestly say that I am glad that I am homosexual. Not just because I have learned to accept it and find happiness, but because it provided the push that I needed to question everything! My twin brother is an excellent example of what I would probably have become if I had been heterosexual. Growing up in “Leave it to Beaver” land has its downside. He was and is frightened of change and unpredictability. Six months after my excommunication from the Mormon Church, he joined it! It was a perfect match. His family life is just like a Mormon TV commercial. He never has to question anything because the way the church wants him live, is the same way he would have chosen anyway. Except now he gets the added bonus of believing that its God’s way too. And just like in balloon analogy I used with Pitchu regarding her daughter, my brother and his family are living in this beautiful balloon (with a nauseating happy face painted on the outside) and only allow me near, because they trust I have left my needles at home. I learned along time ago that I am only allowed near if I behave myself and do not question any of their beliefs; they are not up for discussion, let alone debate.

[pitchu]

Sincere question, IBF --

Ultimately, is it worth it for those of us in this position to maintain the pretense of relationship at the expense of our precious, hard-won needles and thorns?

[I Broke Free]

Sincere question, IBF --

Ultimately, is it worth it for those of us in this position to maintain the pretense of relationship at the expense of our precious, hard-won needles and thorns?

 

 

Yes

 

Because we still love them.

 

Of course this begs the question; "Do they really love us?"

[pitchu]

Yeah, it's the impossibility of grasping the answer to that second question that makes the interaction feel so empty.

[I Broke Free]

Yeah, it's the impossibility of grasping the answer to that second question that makes the interaction feel so empty.

 

I understand. Christians rarely meet half-way. We are the ones who have trudge on over to “Christian Land,” put on the proper disguise, and discuss the weather.

 

Love really is meeting someone half-way. Love is sometimes putting a clothespin over your nose and diving in. (That’s what we have to do)

 

Do they love us? Maybe they do; but not in any kind way that makes you feel happy about it. It’s an icky (technical term) kind of conditional love that makes my skin crawl sometimes.

[pitchu]

Oh, you say you love me,

But I get suspicious, Love...

 

I could swear on your bible

That it's just fictitious love.

 

Any time I start feeling

A deep delicious love,

 

Your whip goes crack,

And you start loving me back

With that look like I'm a sinner

You'd gladly eat for dinner,

While loving every bite

With the Heavenly delight

Of a vicious

Malicious

Love...

[Loren]

Dennis, thank you so much for posting your rewritten story! I can't commiserate with you in shared experience, but the man you are who has graciously and softspokenly loved his way into our community truly has had a special place in my heart from the beginning. You do so much good here. This place truly wouldn't be the same without you.

 

Loren

[Loren]

Yeah, it's the impossibility of grasping the answer to that second question that makes the interaction feel so empty.

It seems to me that this is the basic lesson of learning where to place our expectations of payoff in a loving interaction. If we expect the payoff to come from those we are loving, it can feel empty. If the love I expect to enjoy comes from me, then it won't be empty at all. There will be just as much love there as I decide to put there.

 

Disappointing, yes, but not empty. This is the way of the warrior who takes full responsibility for the results of his actions and atttitudes. Otherwise, our happiness is at the mercy of others.

 

I know you, Dennis and Reach all understand what I'm saying, because over the course of time I've seen that you are all warriors.

[I Broke Free]

It seems to me that this is the basic lesson of learning where to place our expectations of payoff in a loving interaction. If we expect the payoff to come from those we are loving, it can feel empty. If the love I expect to enjoy comes from me, then it won't be empty at all. There will be just as much love there as I decide to put there.

 

Disappointing, yes, but not empty. This is the way of the warrior who takes full responsibility for the results of his actions and atttitudes. Otherwise, our happiness is at the mercy of others.

 

I know you, Dennis and Reach all understand what I'm saying, because over the course of time I've seen that you are all warriors.

 

Thank you Loren, you were able to spell out the feelings that I found difficult to put into words. I would never dream of ending my relationship with my brother and his family. Yes, in many respects the relationship is shallow and unrewarding, but I can’t help but notice that my continued presence in their lives requires some effort on their part too. My brother and his wife treat my partner and my sister’s partner with great respect and have obviously told their children to do the same. (This was not the case years ago) We may not have met in the middle, but they have taken a few steps in right direction.

[Reach]

I Broke Free: "Do they really love us?"

 

Yeah, it's the impossibility of grasping the answer to that second question that makes the interaction feel so empty.

Adding to what Loren said, I think the transaction feels so empty because we look for our return on our investment (ROI) to come from the same source to which we have made our contributions. As we have all seen, 'taint necessarily so.

 

Looking on my own life, I know that I have chosen to love, even when unrequited and I will continue to love with no apparent ROI except for this - what doing so has made of me. In the process of loving those who would not return the same, I've grown and it is my integrity that has moved to a higher level.

 

"They" may not really love us much at all, but I've grown to like myself more and find it easier to admire the woman in the mirror. It is who I've become in the process of giving myself in this way that has been my greatest ROI. The investment has been in me, after all. Unfortunately, there always seem to be some painful sacrifices and costs involved in making investments but there is a real return.

 

Having taken full responsibility for my choices of behavior, my happiness is truly mine and no one can take that away from me.

[pitchu]

I do appreciate the points of why the love is given and the nature of the returns to self. I can't help but register, however, that in contrast to my daughter, there's an infinitely brighter gleam of connectedness in my dog's eyes when I pet her.

[Lanakila]

Wow, just wow. This thread and your testimony IBF has been truly moving.

 

A question for y'all though. How long do you hold on and pursue a relationship with NO Return on the investment? How far can/should a person go towards making a relationship work?

 

I ask this because I gave up on my father since I deconverted. As a fundy I always kept up both my side and his side of the relationship. He is a fundy Pentecostal but still a person who does not ever make a move towards me. His pentecostalism has nothing to do with it imo. He is just an ass, and goddamnit I am tired of pretense. There is no relationship there, so I just stopped trying. Of course I got no reaction from him, and that proved to me that it was all me before.

 

I really don't feel guilty, but it does sadden me.