Myrkhoos Posted July 14, 2019 Share Posted July 14, 2019 Issues from family and church are showing their face here. And from wherever. Like this mental habit of trying to guess what the rules are and please everyone by producing a nice image. I cam here, I think, searching for the support, emotional support first, and intelectual, for things I thought and I still wish I had found in my community. Feel still a little guilty about that. A liitle more actually, but guilt is an issue anyway. The whole habit , although complex in manifestion, boils down to, what can I do, to make you accept me and not hurt me. The classic childhood abuse thinking. I feel dependent on you, but you seem also threating and I am afraid, terrified of you, so I need to develop way of coping with the situation. Lie, cheat, fawn, manipulate, run, conceal, you name it. This is how I feel about God. Either do what he says, immediately, or else withdrawl, a combination of neglet - God goes away from you and abuse, God will punish, inflict pain on you. So the situation is abusive, I feel. I tried to be a good christian, not to offend anyone, and here there is the urge and the fact, that I have to be a good ex christian, or will be sent away, punished, etc. That fear which grips the heart, collapses all rational thought, and sends in a frenzy of denial, self denial, psychotic breakdowns, addictions of every sort. That terror which I think is the essence of some forms of this religion. Conscious, or unconscious. But, trying to be honest, I am still ambivalent about Christianity, I am still ambivalent of most everything. The rig was swept under me. And I am in weird place, personally, where i would like a palce to just relax and recover, but have no idea where to find something like that. No money, no job, no stability, being in a bad place. And just seeing that yeah, I could try and believe this some kind of divine test, but that is just my mind, it is just my thoughts. There is no angel or anything telling me this. What I thought was true, a lot of the time was not, and I am staring to see this, in therapy also, so what kind of trust can I have in my perceptions? I do not know where I am and where I am going, but trying to please on this forum so they will like will get me the exact same thing as before - pain and suffering. So I do not like labels, that much. I do feel, though, that if God is this being for whom I feel the utmost terror and disgust, than Hell seems better. Who knows, maybe that is it, and our ideas are just ideas. I am in the process of seeing emotions, thoughts, ideas , opinions, as just that. Not saying they are real, or they are not real. Or what that even means. Some Buddhist sects have this idea of not naming, of mind stopping, because that kind of speculation leads nowhere. I kind of like that. Finding solace not in knowing, but in not knowing. In knowing the not knowing. In this sense, the only goal of true morality is in emptying oneself from inner objects. Compassion is just a way of seeing the other. It is not pure sentimentality, not that is wrong in itself, but it can cloud the mind. You just give and let go of experience. Receive and let go. One cannot let go if one does not receive. I do not know, and maybe it is ok. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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