Myrkhoos Posted July 18, 2019 Share Posted July 18, 2019 So, Been wondering, is it real? It comes, this panick attack, with the absolute certainty that hell awaits me for my sins, and I have to confess and do exactly what God of the Orthodox Christian Bible says, and believe exactly what he says, and give anything else as demonic as wrong, any free thought, right now, otherwise demonic possesion is a given. The weird thing is that the the thoughts in this panick attack are not profound or coming from understanding, as what it is a sin, what is confession, how it works, who or what is God, who and what to trust, etc, it is more in the line of OCD thoughts, obsessive and strong, but confused and vey unclear. Like some sort of false hope/ritual, do this and you will be ok, saved. Exactly like OCD rituals. It scares the shit out of me, and provokes the flight/fight/freeze/fawn/fantasy coping mechanism all at once. The weird thing is that I tried for six years to do all that stuff, to force myself to believe, to obey, to confess, to get comunion, to stay in monasteries, to get exorcisms, visit holy relics, holy icons, and such, and very little progress. Once I tried psychotherapy and some natural anxiety remedies plus some other medical check ups and treatments it has started to subside. The thing is, at leat in the Orthodox Church, fear of hell, as in extreme anxiety, there are descriptions of monks falling into terror states and refusing to do anything but pray for forgiveness, is considered a virtue, a gift from God. My mind like goes blank, denies everything I read or know, goes into this is a real danger, I have to do this and this to escape, everything else, fuck that shit, like it doesn t matter how I feel, how and what I think, all that matters is escaping the wrath of God because I have a mild pornography addiction , weirdly enough provoked by the anxiety I live in , which prayer does not really make go away. I just see a God who issues commands and threats, demands total dedication and love , kills his enemies and even killed his own Son and gave him up to be eaten. I see a God that threatens people to Hell because they did not do works of charity, BUT that had to do with him, because doing stuff to them, means doing to Him. I see a God who asks complete submission. I see a God that creates danger and evil and then lets people fall into them and then blames them for them. I see a God that demands we be thankful for suffering and atrocities. I see a God that provokes Stokholm Syndrome in his followers, who start out fearing Him, like a victim, then loving him, being attached to Him, like little children to abusive parents, who uncounsciiusly deny everything bad that has happened, idealise parents and are fiercely loyal and interpret everything from them as being love and considering every other feeling bad. I see a God that plays mind games. I am terrified, and pure and simple terrified that THIS God actually exists. What if he exists? What if this thing, which I feel and think, these are opinions of course, is a monster, a total monster worse than any other monster ever, being all powerful, does exist? The terror, the sheer terror is amazing. I talked to a secular therapist friend, and said, you know, while I agree that child abuse, sexual and violent, is extremely traumatic, one does not understand the extreme point of anxiety if one has not experienced the fear of Hell. Of complete, eternal, conscious terror and torment with no escape. That is the reference point of anxiety. I feel like goung to Church and going trhough the motions just to relieve this extreme fear. God, it sounds like and addiction. Jehovah s witness with their anihilation theory sound nice in comparison to the Orthodox Church official version. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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