Thoughts on my high school clusterfuck?

[dobokdude]

Hey yall. Awhile back I made a post about how I was still struggling with something from my past I still felt conflicted about. Telling you right now, there was ALOT of codependency on my part(despite good intentions). It's defined as being when you occupy yourself with someone else's needs/problems at the expense of your own with a sense of martyrdom. I'm sorry to say that this is a pretty apt description of that past event, which was a clusterfuck that occured back in high school. Snack and drink recommended while reading.

Before anything else, I want to say that I realize I didn't handle this perfectly. Having Asperger's of not, I'm not a perfect person and have my flaws like everyone else. Plus I was a teenager who didn't know shit about life as well who has also had to deal with a dysfunctional family situation. Not that that excuses anything.

So let's start this Star Wars style: A long time ago in a high school far far away...

 

This was back towards I believe March of 2016. I was 15 and in 10th grade. There was a girl(no I didn't like her romantically) who I had geometry and english with. We started talking in English, since we both liked to contribute to group discussions and had some common interests. Thoguh towards the end of 10th grade and the start of summer, she didn't really talk to me much, and she even seemed a bit depressed at times. I talked to our English teacher about it since she's one of those teachers people like to go to for advice. She talked to my friend and then told me that my friend was upset over some bad things she has been experiencing at school.

 

So before I get onto this next part, let me just say that I regret this and had no bad intentions but I know full well I didn't handle this part well. So as I mentioned in the past I have Asperger's Syndrome which means I may do some things which are socially inappropriate not out of intent but I don't quite grasp social norms, but none of that is an excuse. So in the last week of school I gave her my phone# and email so she could contact me. But i didn't hear from her for the first few days of summer, so I got a little paranoid, assuming she must have forgot them or something. I ended up finding her dad's # off the internet and texted him asking her to contact me(yes,he was a bit weirded out), emailing our geometry teacher asking her to pass on my contact info to her. I know that was too much and while I wasn't trying to be a stalker that sure wasn't a good way to go about it. She did email me telling me that that was alot and was abit pissed. I apologized and offered to leave her alone but she said we could move past that. This was during the summer and things were fine for a bit, until August...

 

I got an email from her with her phone number(we had just been emailing) and she asked if I could do something for her. I texted her and this is basically what she told me she was planning:

 

-She was going to go from where she lives now, she moved during the summer to another by the train/bus alone, by herself. Her parents don't know and neither does anyone else aside from me, her therapist, and maybe a small other amount of people I'm not sure. But her parents she definitely didn't want aware.

 

-She's going there to meet some person she specified as a male. This isn't someone she has romantic intentions with, because I asked her if this was a boyfriend or an ex and she said no. She also said this wasn't anything illegal.

 

-What she had wanted me to do was to be a backup contact in case something happened to her. I had agreed at first. I asked her if she could text me periodically so i know she's alright, but she then said that she doesn't want to make this guy ''more suspicious''. She also said she isn't 100% sure if this was a good idea.

 

-This was on a Saturday, the next day on Sunday she texted me saying she doesn't want me in her plan anymore because this seemed too much for me and that it was her business and not to tell anyone else.

 

Now this was where I began to feel this was actually a bad idea. My friend is a young, small-framed petite, 16 year old who's traveling from one city to another to meet some guy who seems not really safe, and she's doing this alone without her own parents knowledge. Knowing that this could result in the typical missing girl scenario you see on the news all the time, I decide to tell someone.

I emailed our old English teacher telling her I urgently needed to talk to her at lunch. The reason for telling my English teacher instead of my mom was because my mom isn't one of those parents that i real strict with me and knows everything I'm doing and i felt she would overreact. Frankly I don't tell either of my parents things like this because with all the bullshit between them I don't look to them for much.I knew I had to tell someone, and my teacher like I said gives decent advice and considering how my friend had talked to her she could shed some light on this. I showed her the texts and explained to her , and while she couldn't tell me what my friend had talked about with her, she did say that this was related to what my friend told her and that she might have an idea of where she was going.

 

She ended up asking a school counselor and all she could end up doing was filing a report to CPS(she had to do it before after my friend had talked to her. She said my friend isn't experiencing physical or sexual abuse, but something is going on. Her parents aren't causing it but they re not preventing it either. My teacher said it was hard to explain what it was especially since my friend didn't even give her much detail.

 

I hadn't heard from my friend two days since that sunday, and i had called, left voicemails, emailed, and texted saying i was really worried(looking back it was kinda excessive). She finally got back at me on the Wednesday of that week, with a voicemail saying that she doesn't need my help, she's ''fine'' and to talk about something else.

We later argued over texts and here's what she told me since she lives in her new city (it's a higher risk area) she's always at risk anyway and she has her phone, charger, pepper spray, an app that alerts whether or not she made it to her location. She also has a nail polish that changes color if a drink has been tampered with, and that her that city wasn't as bad as her new one. She can take care of herself.

 

I then told her how i had showed our old teacher our texts and she texted back asking why I did that and tried to call me but I panicked and turned off my phone. She left a voice mail saying that if I was really being ''noble and considerate'' that I would have looked at things from her perspective and not told someone when she asked me not to.

 

So then after I gave us a few days to cool off, we talked on the phone and she said that she does have common sense and that between what i did during summer, I do too much and told me her parents are strict and don't let her go anywhere by herself and they don't know because they would try to stop her. I told her I don't want her to think I'm a bad person and she says we'll get better and that was that. She also mentioned that her parents being strict their judgement can't always be trusted. About two hours later, I texted her with some things I forgot to say and that while I did have questions, she could answer them when she felt ready. I also mentioned that I myself get frustrated with parents thinking they know everything(which I do). Big f*** mistake. She sent me a series of texts saying not to talk about this anymore and stop trying to relate to her because I don't get it. She even straight up ADMITS that she never said the guy WASN'T dangerous, but to just stop and stay out of it.

 

 

Now at this point, I hope you can see where my concerns were. I still think I fucked up in the majority of this whole thing,but I'm simply explaining what I thought at the time. All those things that my friend has to prevent something bad from happening are not foolproof. If this person she's trying to meet or someone else is committed to taking her money, phone, her viriginity or at worst her life they can and will get around those things. Pepper spray doesn't do squat against someone who's drunk, on PCP, or has really high adrenaline. Even if the police department is close to where she's going, who's gonna call them if something happens to her? At least that's what I was thinking at the time.

 

After that, I sent an email which was honestly pretty cringey looking back. The TL;DR of it was that I basically pointed out every nuance of why I thought this was a bad idea and even threw in some self righteous stuff about being a friend or yesman. Again, I didn't have bad intentions but that doesn't mean what I went about things perfectly She responded saying how it was rude, unnecessary how I was hell bent on being a savior of some sort(she wasn't really wrong) and basically a repeat of what she said about how she would have to go on her own anyway and there's always risk. but added at the end I should stop for my own sake before she ''did or said something rude or mean.'' Maybe I should have listened.

 

 

So after that I did drop the whole thing for a bit and we did some small talk emails, but then I sent an email saying I wasn't implying all those things about her and how I felt this whole thing had strained our friendship. I didn't hear from her for almost two months and I did end up informing her dad of what she was planning. But let me just say I eventually found I knew I might've royally fucked up. BADLY. Because during these two months I had tried to call and message her several times(which probably wasn't a good idea) and then I sent an email on a different account and she eventually replied. Long story short, she said she didn't care about my feelings or my ''duty'' to do what's right and that we were never friends, and that she was trying to get us to be friends because her dad was worried I would kill myself(she had told me back then that wasn't the case when I asked), and basically went off on me for continuing to get involved, calling me a ''crazy'' and a ''stalker'' She let a couple things slip about her dad calling her ''crazy like her mom'' and ''stupid'' and she didn't care what he had to say, but told me to stay out of it or she would get the police involved.

 

 

I then said sorry and asked if we could move past this, but she said no and to never contact her again in any way or risk police intervention. She stated she was blocking me on everything, also said how we were never friends because friends don't start things off like I did in the beginning and not to contact her father again and I had become more stalkerish, and she didn't want to hear from me again.

 

This was about 3 years ago as of this month. I've respected her wishes and have not contacted her at all since. And so after reading this, I hope you can understand why I was hesitant to share this. Yes I know I fucked up in more than one way. Yes I know Asperger's, my family life and being a dumb teenager who knows jack-shit about real life isn't an excuse. I wholeheartedly regret this and would do it over, but am still confused on the part regarding me telling about her potentially meeting a pedophile or something. I definitely shouldn't have accessed her dad's number in anyway, and this is something I don't want to happen again.

 

 

Sorry for the novel, but felt like getting this off my chest. Feel free to share your thoughts and input, as well as if you've ever had similar experiences.

[TEG]

I can understand the conflicted feelings that you are having.  If it makes you feel any better, people have certainly done worse.  I would: 1) chalk it up to inexperience, and whatever developmental condition that you have; 2) consider it a learning experience; and 3) maybe get some therapy concerning boundaries with other people.

[dobokdude]

31 minutes ago, TEG said:

I can understand the conflicted feelings that you are having.  If it makes you feel any better, people have certainly done worse.  I would: 1) chalk it up to inexperience, and whatever developmental condition that you have; 2) consider it a learning experience; and 3) maybe get some therapy concerning boundaries with other people.

Thanks. Curious, what would you have done in my position.

[TEG]

In 20-20 hindsight, if I thought she were in actual danger, I would have told the teacher, or her therapist; one responsible adult; then let it go at that.  Not try to be a “helicopter” friend or some sort of savior.  Like I said, 20-20 hindsight.  Learn from it and move on.

[sdelsolray]

You did nothing legally or morally wrong, although some others may have considered your insistence to mind this girl a bit out of line.

 

It was three years ago.  Perhaps it is time to move on from all that.

[dobokdude]

18 minutes ago, sdelsolray said:

You did nothing legally or morally wrong, although some others may have considered your insistence to mind this girl a bit out of line.

 

It was three years ago.  Perhaps it is time to move on from all that.

True. Hopefully I will be starting therapy soon. Just curious, what would you have done in my shoes?

[sdelsolray]

 

48 minutes ago, dobokdude said:

True. Hopefully I will be starting therapy soon.

...

 

Good.  Do you believe you need therapy for a minor event that occurred three years ago?

 

48 minutes ago, dobokdude said:

...

Just curious, what would you have done in my shoes?

 

I don't know.  Often, there are many different ways to deal with a situation such as you described and many of those possible ways are just fine.  One is not necessarily better than another, just different.

[Margee]

dobo, Thank you for sharing some of your life story. And welcome to Ex-c.

 

One thing I have learned in my life is that most people I talk to have regrets. Some people don't and they are really lucky. Most of us humans make mistakes. I've made major mistakes in my life that I will regret forever. But I accept the regret. I own it. I own all my regrets. Some of these  people that I have hurt, I have been able to make amends to and some not. I think we all do the best we can while we are growing up and it's only after the fact of doing something that one thinks, 'oops', I shouldn't have done that. This is how we learn hun. This is something you can learn to let go of. You know you are sorry. You have grown from the experience. Some people won't accept your sincere apology and that is what you have to accept.

 

I think you can make this a real good life lesson and try to let go of all the negativity around it. Go and continue to  treat others as you would want to be treated. And as you grow up even more, always think, think, think when you are doing something or making a decision. There will always be consequences, good or bad from your decisions.  So be careful. Try to go to bed at night knowing that you have not hurt anyone that day. Someday, you may have an opportunity to make amends but for now, I would look at this as a human fuck up (because humans do fuck up!) and try to feel some peace in your life. You have learned a hard lesson. Just don't be hard on yourself anymore. You have punished yourself enough.

 

Peace. And a hug (hug)

[older]

You had the best of intentions. Any mistakes that you made were not intentional; you did what you thought was right at the time. Read Margee's wise post again. 

[LostinParis]

Thank-you for sharing your story. My 17 year old son has Aspergers so your anguish is familiar to me. Despite his best intentions, it seems my son is destined to learn social etiquette the hard way.

We all make mistakes and you must learn to forgive yourself. Try not to ruin the present moment by obsessing over the past.

 

[dobokdude]

On 11/11/2019 at 4:59 PM, Margee said:

dobo, Thank you for sharing some of your life story. And welcome to Ex-c.

 

One thing I have learned in my life is that most people I talk to have regrets. Some people don't and they are really lucky. Most of us humans make mistakes. I've made major mistakes in my life that I will regret forever. But I accept the regret. I own it. I own all my regrets. Some of these  people that I have hurt, I have been able to make amends to and some not. I think we all do the best we can while we are growing up and it's only after the fact of doing something that one thinks, 'oops', I shouldn't have done that. This is how we learn hun. This is something you can learn to let go of. You know you are sorry. You have grown from the experience. Some people won't accept your sincere apology and that is what you have to accept.

 

I think you can make this a real good life lesson and try to let go of all the negativity around it. Go and continue to  treat others as you would want to be treated. And as you grow up even more, always think, think, think when you are doing something or making a decision. There will always be consequences, good or bad from your decisions.  So be careful. Try to go to bed at night knowing that you have not hurt anyone that day. Someday, you may have an opportunity to make amends but for now, I would look at this as a human fuck up (because humans do fuck up!) and try to feel some peace in your life. You have learned a hard lesson. Just don't be hard on yourself anymore. You have punished yourself enough.

 

Peace. And a hug (hug)

I know this is a pretty late reply(about a month, sorry about that) but thank you so much for your kind words and advice. I am actually seeing a counselor/therapist now for just dealing with my emotions and stuff in general as well as the family stuff I've gone through over the years. And yeah, I'd be lying if I didn't say part of me wishes I could at least apologize(without asking for reconciliation or forgiveness) but of course I know it is best to respect the boundary she set up. And others I've talked to elsewhere have pointed out that yeah I was wrong for my mistakes in this, but she also didn't seem to be the best person considering all the things they observed from reading. I guess I just have to use this as a major learning experience. Thanks again.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

I have found that certain types of childhood indoctrination often lead to savior complexes.  Just my two cents.

[dobokdude]

On 12/23/2019 at 6:06 AM, TheRedneckProfessor said:

I have found that certain types of childhood indoctrination often lead to savior complexes.  Just my two cents.

I guess that may have applied some. Do you have anymore thoughts?

[TheRedneckProfessor]

On 1/1/2020 at 11:38 PM, dobokdude said:

I guess that may have applied some. Do you have anymore thoughts?

If it creates problems, then it is a problem.  Fix it.

[dobokdude]

8 minutes ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

If it creates problems, then it is a problem.  Fix it.

Uh, ok. I think I get what you're saying. Just curious, what would you have done in my shoes?

[TheRedneckProfessor]

3 hours ago, dobokdude said:

Uh, ok. I think I get what you're saying. Just curious, what would you have done in my shoes?

As difficult as it may be at times, an individual's autonomy must be respected.  It is not for me to determine what is best, or even right, for another.  I may offer suggestions, perhaps advice, if asked; but I should do so carefully, and with the understanding that such opinions are thoroughly informed by my own experiences, perceptions, and perspectives, which may, themselves, be flawed.  If my suggestions end up being rejected, then it is incumbent upon me to accept that I have done what was mine to do and thereafter to do no more.  Certainly if I am specifically asked not to do more, then I should respect that. 

 

Most of us can barely save ourselves; what qualifies us to try saving others?  Especially when our attention is so diverted with the faults and flaws of others that we cannot see ourselves as we truly are.  We may fool ourselves into believing we have only the best of intentions, that we have the best interest of others at heart.  We may wrap it in a flag or shroud it with the trappings of false humility.  But a messiah complex is nothing more than a mask of narcissism.  

[dobokdude]

23 hours ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

As difficult as it may be at times, an individual's autonomy must be respected.  It is not for me to determine what is best, or even right, for another.  I may offer suggestions, perhaps advice, if asked; but I should do so carefully, and with the understanding that such opinions are thoroughly informed by my own experiences, perceptions, and perspectives, which may, themselves, be flawed.  If my suggestions end up being rejected, then it is incumbent upon me to accept that I have done what was mine to do and thereafter to do no more.  Certainly if I am specifically asked not to do more, then I should respect that. 

 

Most of us can barely save ourselves; what qualifies us to try saving others?  Especially when our attention is so diverted with the faults and flaws of others that we cannot see ourselves as we truly are.  We may fool ourselves into believing we have only the best of intentions, that we have the best interest of others at heart.  We may wrap it in a flag or shroud it with the trappings of false humility.  But a messiah complex is nothing more than a mask of narcissism.  

Fair enough I guess. Looking back now, aside from not getting her dad's number off the Internet, I still would have told the teacher/counselor and tried to talk her out of it. Mame no mistake I shouldn't have pursued it as far as I did, I would have been more brief in expressing my concerns but still sincere. With that being said, what she was planning on doing seemed to objectively bad idea, for anyone really. Eh 20/20 hindsight at the end of the day.

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

I have no idea what was going on in this girl's life or what she was quite running from, but part of me feels like you were in the right. Of course this is also because I have a bit of a "messiah" complex too. I do know when to step away but being a emotional crutch for a friend or dragging them out of stupid situations has always been part of my nature. It's something I've done for most of my life. What this girl was doing was making all of my alarm bells go off as someone who's a very protective friend. However, I've always had the resources to put them into better ones. It helps knowing a lot of people. Ultimately you were both kids and she seemed to have an idea of what she was doing at least. People are right when they said you pushed it however I understand where you were coming from. Personally what I would have done was reach out sometime later in just a one-off message to let her know you've grown as a person and recognize where you went wrong. To apologize and even though it was a minor event, let her know it was important enough to stay in your mind. Basically a message for closure so you can move on not a reconciliation. Still, you're probably better off not contacting her at all. This was just something I would have done.