5 month journey

[BarnOwl]

I knew that any journey away from my faith would be tough, but I didn’t expect it to have this strong of a hold on me.

 

I am at this point where some days I feel confident in my choice to walk away from my faith and to choose to be my true self. These days are the best days, I feel like I can do anything and can take on the world.

 

Other days, I have serious doubts. What if I’m walking away out of anger or because I am “giving into the flesh?” What if I’m just allowing the ignorance of the Church to push me away from God when he actually is there, just the Church is broken? What if they’re right and I’m wrong?

 

Talking with my mom confuses me even more as she reiterates a lot of those same feelings I have on my bad days.

 

Last week, I turned 24 and honestly I hated it. I felt like I’m 24 years old and am still holding myself back from exploring myself and what I want for me life. I’m still in the closet to a large portion of my family and still afraid of being myself, both in my faith and my sexuality.

 

My question is, did anybody else have a longer struggle with deconverting like me? Moments of going back and forth? I’m just exhausted with the emotional and mental struggle I’m constantly putting myself through. I want to just be done with it, but I still just have this nagging sensation that I can’t get rid of.

[Geezer]

1 hour ago, BarnOwl said:

I knew that any journey away from my faith would be tough, but I didn’t expect it to have this strong of a hold on me.

 

I am at this point where some days I feel confident in my choice to walk away from my faith and to choose to be my true self. These days are the best days, I feel like I can do anything and can take on the world.

 

Other days, I have serious doubts. What if I’m walking away out of anger or because I am “giving into the flesh?” What if I’m just allowing the ignorance of the Church to push me away from God when he actually is there, just the Church is broken? What if they’re right and I’m wrong?

 

Talking with my mom confuses me even more as she reiterates a lot of those same feelings I have on my bad days.

 

Last week, I turned 24 and honestly I hated it. I felt like I’m 24 years old and am still holding myself back from exploring myself and what I want for me life. I’m still in the closet to a large portion of my family and still afraid of being myself, both in my faith and my sexuality.

 

My question is, did anybody else have a longer struggle with deconverting like me? Moments of going back and forth? I’m just exhausted with the emotional and mental struggle I’m constantly putting myself through. I want to just be done with it, but I still just have this nagging sensation that I can’t get rid of.

Read other testimonies and you will see that what you’re experiencing is pretty much what all of us experienced when we pulled the plug on religion.

 

IMO, education is the key to making your journey out of religion less traumatic. Read, research, and study what religious historians have discovered about the Bible and the Christian faith. Dr. Bart Ehrman is a great scholar to read. He’s recognized as one of the worlds most knowledgeable scholars, and he is easy to read. He doesn’t write on a scholarly level. Anything he’s written is worth reading.

 

There are lots of other scholars to read too, and you’ll become familiar with them as you study and research the origins and evolution of both the Bible and the Christian faith. Dr. Karen Armstrong’s book, “A History of God” is worth reading too. And stick around here for support. 

[florduh]

Short of secular counseling, all I can recommend is use the thinking part of your brain, not the feeling part. People get hooked into the cult for many reasons; they have a substance abuse problem, they have a shitty marriage, they are broke with little hope, they have an incurable illness or disability or their family simply expects it of them. One reason we never see is a critical examination of the evidence followed by a logical decision to "have faith." Faith is required, and a requirement of faith is that there is no good reason to believe it otherwise. Of course once you are in the brainwashing begins and never lets up. It's no surprise that the cult programming continues to haunt many people long after they realize it's all hokum and manipulation. Hang in there, think critically and seek help if needed.

[midniterider]

1 hour ago, BarnOwl said:

I knew that any journey away from my faith would be tough, but I didn’t expect it to have this strong of a hold on me.

 

I am at this point where some days I feel confident in my choice to walk away from my faith and to choose to be my true self. These days are the best days, I feel like I can do anything and can take on the world.

 

Other days, I have serious doubts. What if I’m walking away out of anger or because I am “giving into the flesh?” What if I’m just allowing the ignorance of the Church to push me away from God when he actually is there, just the Church is broken? What if they’re right and I’m wrong?

 

Talking with my mom confuses me even more as she reiterates a lot of those same feelings I have on my bad days.

 

Last week, I turned 24 and honestly I hated it. I felt like I’m 24 years old and am still holding myself back from exploring myself and what I want for me life. I’m still in the closet to a large portion of my family and still afraid of being myself, both in my faith and my sexuality.

 

My question is, did anybody else have a longer struggle with deconverting like me? Moments of going back and forth? I’m just exhausted with the emotional and mental struggle I’m constantly putting myself through. I want to just be done with it, but I still just have this nagging sensation that I can’t get rid of.

 

If a smart God didnt want us to contend with the 'flesh' then a smart God wouldn't make us out of flesh, imo.  This makes me think the bible God is fictional. Also what's wrong with giving into the flesh? Because God said not to? Why? It's an arbitrary rule without any real substance. 

 

What if you are allowing the ignorance of the church to push you away from God? Why would a real God who loved and cared for his church people allow them to be ignorant and push you away from him? If he's actually there, why doesn't he he let  you know? Why doesnt he just take away your doubt? What kind of God lets his people doubt? It certainly isn't your fault.

 

You're doing fine. Going back and forth is part of the process. Try putting the responsibility for these absurd demands from the bible back on the bible. Reject the ridiculous. 

 

Take care.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Going through cycles is fairly normal.  And you are dealing with 2 issues at the same time which compounds the problem.  Keep reading, posting here, trust your rational mind, and get professional help if needed.   With persistance your rational brain will grow stronger and the fear will subside.  You are on the right track!  

[DanForsman]

I think Weezer is right on track for you BarnOwl. What you've written here is heartbreaking especially considering that both of the issues you are working on have considerable potential to push you away from loved ones and friends just when you could use their support the most. Certainly that in itself would be enough to make you, or anyone, wonder if you aren't making some very bad decisions. Added to this is the very real possibility that you are somewhere in the process of grieving the loss of your religion which is completely possible without regard for whether or not the loss is the right thing for your future well being. You may need to allow time for that grieving to run it's course. You are only 24. Be kind to yourself and allow your inner self the gift of time and space to work things out for you. The important thing isn't actually that you come up with all the solutions, the important thing is that whenever you do come up with your decisions and solutions that they are the best that they can be for your future. I don't have advice specific regarding your sexual orientation but I believe that good sound answers are out there for you that don't include being at odds with the sexual preferences you have been given. These issues may turn out to be too difficult for you to be able to navigate on your own and I would second Weezer's suggestion that you seek out a secular therapist if you start feeling unreasonably anxious or depressed. This is your life and above all else be careful and conscious of your well being, give yourself credit for the things you do well, notice the things you like about yourself and try to enjoy some particular moments every day even if you are facing problems that don't have solutions close at hand. We do think you are on the right course and that all these things will fall into place bit by bit as you continue down the path you seem to be traveling on. This is a good place to find support for your good choices when support from friends and family isn't there or isn't enough. Keep us in the loop.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Hurting and disappointing parents and grandparents was my biggest concern, and may be for you also.  Parents can feel they have failed when their children leave the faith.  Be sure to assure them they are not the cause of your decisions, and it concerns you that they may be hurt, but you have to be true to your own convictions.  Also assure them your basic morals haven't changed.  Thank them for giving you a rational brain to think with, and for being concerned parents.  HANG IN THERE!

[LostinParis]

20 hours ago, BarnOwl said:

I want to just be done with it, but I still just have this nagging sensation that I can’t get rid of.

My nagging feeling was due to my childhood indoctrination, strong emotions such as fear that were overriding my logical thoughts.

Sometimes it feels easier to cling to the familiar,  even though it’s no longer wanted. The unknown can feel scary. I chose courage over comfort and I now have no regrets. Deconversion is often a painful journey, but for me the prize (a free mind) was worth the rocky ride.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

6 hours ago, LostinParis said:

 

Deconversion is often a painful journey, but for me the prize (a free mind) was worth the rocky ride.

 

 

And many, including myself, after years of de-conversion look back and ask ourselves how we ever bought into the superstitions. 

[BarnOwl]

Thank you, everyone. The hardest part is the constant self-doubt. I felt the best when I was reading Leaving the Fold and The God Delusion. Almost like by reading those materials, I was challenging my mind to think critically and it was so much easier to reject the emotional crap that keeps trying to rule my thoughts. I ordered a few books yesterday to read that can continue that process of challenging my preconceptions about Christianity.

 

I have been seeing a secular therapist, and it has helped a ton when I go. I honestly need to see them more often than I do, though.

 

On 4/13/2020 at 12:35 PM, Weezer said:

Hurting and disappointing parents and grandparents was my biggest concern, and may be for you also.  Parents can feel they have failed when their children leave the faith.  Be sure to assure them they are not the cause of your decisions, and it concerns you that they may be hurt, but you have to be true to your own convictions.  Also assure them your basic morals haven't changed.  Thank them for giving you a rational brain to think with, and for being concerned parents.  HANG IN THERE!

 

This has been me a lot, fear of disappointing the people in my life. I always knew that I was different, so I would go out of my way to be the perfect kid growing up. I did well in school, obeyed my parents and acted like the good Christian, reading my Bible and talking about God. All of it though was to make up for this part of me that I always felt like they would be disgusted at, if they knew I was gay. My grandparents always would compare us grandkids, and often would use me for that. I only found out recently that growing up they would ask my cousins “Why can’t you be more like Joseph?” I always felt insecure though, cause I knew once anybody found out I was gay, it would all be over.

 

On 4/13/2020 at 2:57 PM, LostinParis said:

My nagging feeling was due to my childhood indoctrination, strong emotions such as fear that were overriding my logical thoughts.

Sometimes it feels easier to cling to the familiar,  even though it’s no longer wanted. The unknown can feel scary. I chose courage over comfort and I now have no regrets. Deconversion is often a painful journey, but for me the prize (a free mind) was worth the rocky ride.

This is where I want to get to. It’s encouraging to know that it’s possible to get there, that somebody else was able to make that journey. You’re right, it is more comfortable in my religious doctrine, it’s what I know the most. The idea of leaving that and going into the world without the protection of my religion is terrifying. It makes me feel exposed, like I’m going outside without clothes on.

 

Again, thank you all for the encouragement and for sharing. It’s good knowing that others have gone through where I am and have come out the other side ok.

[florduh]

 

[BarnOwl]

On 4/18/2020 at 6:37 PM, florduh said:

 

Thank you so much for sharing that. I was already aware of most the content she covered in that video and I felt like my walk matched up a lot with her’s. However, it was extremely therapeutic to be able to essentially go through my entire walk away from my faith with her.

 

After the video finished, surprisingly the first thing I wanted to do was pray though. I have been afraid of prayer for weeks because I was scared that it would entice me to return to my faith. However, her talking about how she prayed after she first realized there was no God, and hearing her experience made me realize that I shouldn’t be afraid of prayer.

 

To my surprise, it was the first time that I have prayed and not only didn’t know what to say, but also felt like there was nobody there. For the first time in my life, I actually feel alone in my head. Hearing her describe that experience made me realize that this is what I was missing. The reason I kept second guessing myself was because I was still living under the assumption that somebody or something was monitoring my thoughts.

 

Realizing that my thoughts are my own, is one of the most liberating ideas I’ve had on this journey. It frees me to be able to think without fear of some spiritual consequence and also validates all of the feelings and emotions that I have had as my own. These aren’t some sort of mechanism that the spiritual realm used to influence me. I am me.

 

It’s 4am here now, stayed up way too late watching that, but it was worth it. Thank you so much to everyone for your amazing support.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I didn't watch the video, but I always considered prayer can be simply verbalizing your strong thoughts and desires.  It doesn't have to be aimed at a God.  And if my old brain remembers correctly, I think I saw a legal paper years ago with a request to a judge that used the phrase "praying for....."

 

Anyway, I'm glad you are getting some relief.