When An Atheist Friend Walks Out On You...

[Guest openlyatheist]

I have never had a lot of friends, but over the past few years I have begun to realize that my atheism is a reflection of my own personal isolation. It was bad enough finding dates with girls when I had to overcome shyness or fear, now I have begun to realize just how different my atheism makes me from most people.

 

So about a year ago I endeavored to reach out to whatever atheists I could find. I joined a monthly discussion group that never exceeds 6 or 7 people in attendance. I discovered the local chapter of Atheists United wasn’t my cup of tea. And I started an atheist group on meetup.com, but left when they jacked up the price.

 

It was through meetup that I met my friend Bob. Bob is a former fundamentalist whose father was an alcoholic. Now he is a psychologist and an atheist. We have everything in common; the same atheism books on our bookshelves, the same crappy, dateless college years, the same love of heavy metal. I have had dinner with him and his beautiful wife, who treated me like family, and his two adorable kids. Last year he took me out for sushi on my birthday after only knowing me for a few weeks. For lack of a better term, I felt I had met a soul mate. I was able to discuss things with him that I have had no one to share with for years, things I don’t know if I will ever be able to share with anyone again. Though I respect the other atheists that I have met in the past year I wouldn’t say real friendships have blossomed.

 

At some point Bob stopped making it to the meetup meetings. He just always seemed busy. I would send him emails to remind him, give him a call to say “hi.” But to no avail. Then I had to go away on business for a couple of months. Upon returning he called me and said, “Hey, I’m so glad you’re back!” But we only managed to get together once before he returned to being elusive. When my birthday rolled around again he offered to take me out to dinner, but cancelled at the last minute. I knew it would be the last time I heard from him and I was right. I waited to see if he would call me for once, but he didn’t, and I figured I had made all the gestures, done all the calling and emailing I could do to keep this person’s friendship.

 

I had a weird experience when I took a friend to the famous Magic Castle. Of all the random times and places, I ran smack dab into Bob. He was there with his wife celebrating the birthday of some other friend (jealousy!). I offered to hook up with him after the show, but he disappeared and I didn’t see him again that evening. The next day I sent him an email, once again inviting him to our old hang-out, but no response came. I don’t believe he has returned to Christianity or anything, but I doubt I will ever have an explanation for his desertion.

 

In the monthly discussion group I’m part of, where we just get together for lunch and conversation, I have also noticed a lack of commitment from ‘one-timers’, atheists who come to a lunch once and are never heard from again. Do atheists repel atheists? I’m shy, so it’s hard for me to make others feel welcome and comfortable. I wish I could. One regular theorized that the reason for so many ‘one-timers’ is that there are so many single atheist males looking for dates, and there are none to be had at our meeting. The core group consists of 3 couples and one homosexual male, making me the only single heterosexual to regularly make the meetings. I can sympathize with one-timers because the group can honestly leave me depressed at the end of an afternoon as I am reminded of my alienation even among atheists. And just being an atheist doesn’t mean you’re going to have anything in common with other atheists anyway.

 

In my secret dreams I imagine myself an atheistic pioneer, the exact opposite of what I am in real life. Today, atheism suffers from a deficiency of social networking and I know this because it is my personal deficiency. Part of my problem with these lofty networking goals of mine is that until I feel comfortable with myself people will not be compelled to build social relationships with me even if we believe the same things. No one wants to join a discussion group led by an insecure person.

 

The one thing I have noticed from Christian-turned-atheist testimonies is that there is always a factor of social networking involved in the acquisition of religion. Those who walk away from religion risk losing their network; family, friends, spouses. They speak of how, when they joined a church or a prayer or Bible study group, they had instant friends and instant access to social networks and an instant dating pool. This is not the way it is for atheists.

 

Those atheists-turned-Christian that I’ve encountered, are always quick to point out the social benefits of religion, especially where marriage is concerned. From my point of view there’s no comeback for that. Social networking trumps reason any day of the week. There is a reason why most religious people never question what they believe.

 

I guess what I’m trying to get off my chest is: I think atheism is lonely. It is hard to be positive when every believer on the internet wants to know, “What does atheism have to offer? Does atheism bring you peace and prosperity?” and I have no comeback. What do atheists do when a friend, especially another atheist, someone you thought was rational and communicative and just your type, decides they’d rather be a stranger to you? Is just being an atheist enough to base friendship on? Why would an atheist abandon another atheist? Are we atheists in this together or are we all on our own?

 

Thanks for reading this long thing.

[JGJ@ReligionisBullshit]

I only get lonely in a church. Atheism can't bring you prosperity but neither can religion. Every weekend while driving in my car I'm bombarded at the crossroads by people with buckets in hand collecting money for their church. If faith the size of a mustard seed can move a mountain then it should rain quarters on them with little effort, but it doesn't. People who pray in church and don't get their prayers answered usually end up hearing that they didn't pray hard enough or God has a reason, or he is testing your faith like Job, you don't have enough faith, blah blah blah. People look prosperous in church because they are in their Sunday best, it is an illusion of prosperity. Hard work, elbow greese gets you prosperity, not religion.

 

It can bring you peace or it cannot, it depends on how tightly you hold on to your previous beliefs. Does a belief have to offer something? What is it about thier religion that makes them think it is bringing them peace? Jesus said, I have not come to bring peace, but the sword. What kind of answer are they looking for? Yes, I got a door prize when I de-converted. I got the rest of my life without the guilt of sin, the pressurized and politicized ramblings of the man on the pulpit, and I am released from the fear of hell and condemning others to hell. I no longer have to associate myself with the checkered history of the church, the raving lunacies of the fundamentalists and I can mow the lawn on Sunday instead of Saturday.

 

Are we all in this together? Sure we are, but basing friendship soley upon belief, even religous belief, is never a good idea. That's only one angle and when that single angle diverges there is no way to go but a-way.

 

Just remember that you set your own moral compass, just like Christians do regardless of how they deny it. They just call the wrong side of thier moral compass sin and their are no perfectly moral people regardless of whether they are a Christian or Atheist because morality is subjective and relative. You can still be right and morally wrong at the same time and vice' versa.

 

You have to pay to be a Christian, Atheism is free.

[♦ nivek ♦]

openlyatheist....

 

First of all things, Feel Welcome to Dave's House and ExC.

 

Second thing, I am the owner of the "Easy Answer Jar:, the majikal tool in which I pull answers out of like, well, majik, and solve all the ills of all of our posters.

 

The big how_de_frackin_ever is that the kid who comes and resupplies me hasn't been around for awhile and the good simple answers off the top are all gone.

 

Sooo.. What I attempt to do is let the multitude of the great thinkers and cool counsellors of the mind help those in need of the things I can't do.

 

What I can do is say welcome to a great resource of persons and reading material.

Feel free to peruse and find things, the tidbits that help make life worth living.

 

For we the obviously_godless there is oft a feeling of rudderless lack of direction. What ExC does do for others is help them find voice, direction and then a purpose to continue the exploration of life.

 

I can't tell you how and what to *feel*. What I will do is tell you how the shit in my life has panned out, and how things managed to get to where they are.

 

Meat.life often sucks as most of the people you come across it are sectarian to some level. Trying to fit into a society that is not accepting of your *lack of* is tough to do.

 

I'll encourage you to find those who can offer help and hope past a "jebuss lubbaz ewe bubba!" happy horseshit.

Won't promise I'll love anybody or -thing, but will respect and be tolerant of what you seek, even if often we may not agree.

 

ExC is a great place to find that which you seek.

 

kevinL

[Amethyst]

Away from church was where I have met pretty much all of my friends since high school. And most of my friends are not overly religious, even when I was a Christian.

[All Gods Fail]

Man, hardcore ex-churchies really seem to have a hard time of it with the social scene. I was glad when I gave up the faith so I didn't have to hang around with the people from my church anymore.

 

All my friends now I've made from work, coffee houses, groups/activities, hobbies, etc. I was much lonelier as a xtian.

[futurekid]

I regards to getting your act together when it comes to finding, attracting, and dating women, I highly recommend visiting fastseduction.com and reading the moderated forums. There is enough information in that community to help any person who suffers from the injustices of our present social system learn to stack the deck in their favor.

 

Best regards!

[michelle]

No, I don't find atheism to be lonely. Maybe in the begining it was but I'm out of Christianity for 5 years now. I found a couple of atheists in A.A. of all places. I feel very fortunate to have an A.A. sponsor who is an atheist. I've also met a few really cool agnostics. Anyway, welcome to ex-christian. Sorry about your freind walking out and I hope you will meet other people soon.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Dear Openlyatheist,

 

I have been through the same thing where a soul-mate friend inexplicably pulled back. I have no idea what happened. With your friend, his wife could have been threatened, maybe he is deep down a person who wants to keep others at a distance for fear of what openness may cost him... who knows. I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of silence, and I extend a cyber hand of solidarity to you. Say "fuck you" and walk on; don't assume everyone will be like this, and continue to let your other friends be friends to you; be a friend back; give people space. I can't think of anything beyond this right now.

 

I think you are right that a lot of introverted, deep-thinking people become atheists. I haven't done a poll; I just think this is true. Once someone did do a personality poll on this site, and most of us were revealed as introverts! I think the personality type who bothers to say, yes, i'm an atheist, often is a personality type who doesn't mix that readily in big groups. So I think there's a correlation between being an atheist and not being a big schmoozer. I went to some local atheist groups, and they were like the ones you describe: mostly sort of nerdy mid-life guys. I must admit that I went in the thought that maybe I could find a date. I think other venues are much more likely. I might want to stick around for political activism, but if so, for its own value.

 

I even went to some Unitarian churches recently thinking maybe a church would be a place to meet people. But I couldn't take sitting there listening to all that sanctimonious, vague blather. (Sorry, Unitarians - that's how it struck me!)

 

As for me, now a friendship looks like maybe it will develop into something more. I sort of suspected this would be the direction a more intimate relationship might come from.

 

I guess I think that with many of us, the people we meet naturally often are the ones you are most likely to form deep ties to. At a job, a school, in a neighborhood, an introduction by mutual friends.... Lots of church friendships I had evaporated at the first sign of doctrinal difference. They grow up suddenly because they're based on ideological affinity. So they're not necessarily as firm as christians make them out to be. Likewise, I feel atheism is too much of an ideology to plan on basing a friendship on it. That's too much a strategy like the christian one in reverse. Maybe just focus more on daily life.

 

Be open to people. There are others out there who will be "two or three of a kind" with you.

 

peace

[Taphophilia]

I recognised myself in your post, OpenlyAtheist. We internalise so much that we over think, over feel, and let things get to us that others would shrug off and go on. Things affect us too deeply for our own good.

It's very difficult for me to meet people as friends. I don't seem to have anything in common with most people and many times communication is, at best, difficult because our minds don't seem to work the way others do. When we meet someone who understands us, we feel an overwhelming conncetion to them because there are so few who do. I have no idea why we are this way and quite frankly, it sucks.

I once had someone in my life who understood me so well that I didn't even have to speak in complete sentence. He finished them for me and I did his. He just got me and I got him. It was like being on a moving sidewalk where we effortly discussed ideas, news, events, you name it, and we were in sinc and we just moved effortless from one idea to another. I thought that if soulmates existed he was mine. We were made from the same cloth, the same substance.

Well, he left me. I never heard from him again, until I happened to run into him a few years later. He had gone to Texas to finish college and pursue a law degree. We talked over coffee, though, he didn't fully explain why I'd never heard from him again. Though, the conversation was wonderful like it always had been, it was painful. Here he was, as close to a soulmate for me as there ever was one, who did nothing but let me down.

[pitchu]

Welcome to Ex-C, openlyatheist.

 

I don't know your age or how long you've been in the geographical area you're now in or many of the factors that could give a clearer picture of the reasons for your loneliness. Certainly many of the points already made here do pertain, no matter what your specific situation may be.

 

I've been an atheist since the age of 19 (I'm now 63) and I've never found atheism a barrier to social interaction. Maybe the trick has been that I went out and did what I liked with whom I liked, so that by the time the subject of religion came up, I was already seen to be likeable, and my atheism never made that much difference to anyone whose company was meaningful to me. I'd second Zoe's recommendation that you pursue what you like, independent of atheism. People you'll meet that way are more inclined to focus on what the two of you share, rather than your differences.

 

Who knows -- you might even meet somebody here to share more than cyberspace with. It's happened.

 

(Btw, long ago I worked for about seven years as a coctail waitress at the Magic Castle. Did you have a good time there? I loved everything about it. Except the magic. )

[Alexandrian]

You know, I am a new ex-Christiain, and I'm facing some of the same problems you are. Christian Social Groups do provide an easy way of making friends, and it can be tough making friends without them.

 

But ya know, the more I think about it, the more I come think that the Christians I once was friends with weren't true friends. See, to a "hardcore" Christian, Christ is the most important thing. Doing Christ's work and spreading Christ's message are the only true purposes to their life, and anything they do is predicated on serving Christ. Friendships are valuable to them only in so far it is believed that you could be brought closer to Christ, or conversely that by fellowship with you that they can get closer to Christ. So of course, if you are ever judged to be a bad Christian, or if they think that you might taint them somehow, you can be gone quickly. Even if not, your relationship with them is always predicated on someone else, that being their imaginary friend in the sky.

 

Even when I was a Christian, I did sometimes feel that that my friendships with my non-christian friends were more meaningful. And now with the friendships I do have, the friendship isn't predicate on anything(especially any imaginary friends), it is simply based on my care for that person.

 

It's a freeing thing, to be rid of that infernal religion.

[pitchu]

 

 

You're 63? I never in a million years would have guessed that!

 

Thanks, Zoe.

I have a young heart. And avatar.

[Godless Wonder]

Yeah, I'm pretty lonely. I feel like roughtly 85% of the population where I live has had their minds poisoned against me (not me personally, but atheists in general, and me personally once they find out I'm an atheist), and if you break it down by sex, probably 97% of women have had their minds poisoned against me, so it seems.

 

After figuring this out, it's kind of hard not to have your own mind poisoned against "them," since you're always thinking, "Is this person's mind poisoned against me?" and when happen to mention they're Christian, it's hard not to think "Yep. Poisoned." or at best, "Ugh. How could they fall for that crap."

 

Hard for me to respect anyone who takes the crap in the Bible seriously. Really hard. I feel like I live in a land of two-year-olds. How can you be friends with a two-year-old? I'm just exasperated for the most part with the topics of conversation that most people bother to try to talk about. Most of the time, I'm just looking at people, thinking, "why are you still talking? Why do you think that's worth talking about? If that's all I had to talk about, I would just shut up." And, for the most part, I do shut up most of the time. So, I'm pretty boring, but in a quiet way, as opposed to most people, who are boring in the manner of a jackhammer.

 

Given the above, it's unsurprising that I'm lonely. The VAST, HUGE majority of people I find to be insufferable bores, and I include myself in the category of insufferable bores (though at least I am a quiet bore.)

 

Really, sometimes I just can't wait for it to be fucking over. If this is all the fun there is to be had, then fuck it. I don't want 30 more years of this shit. You people [of humanity] are boring me to death.

[All Gods Fail]

Really, sometimes I just can't wait for it to be fucking over. If this is all the fun there is to be had, then fuck it. I don't want 30 more years of this shit. You people [of humanity] are boring me to death.

 

I don't mean this as an insult, but if you're waiting around for life to give you a thrill, you're gonna never have any fun. Go out and do stuff. If you're pissed off at the world, learn to play a guitar, start a black metal band, write horribly dark and disturbing songs and scream at the idiots from the stage. It can be very theraputic.

 

I mean, be fair - when was the last time you went out and were interesting to someone else? Just say fuck it - I'm going to deface a corporate billboard. Make Ronald McDonald into a meth-head.

 

There must be something cool you'd like to do before you die - why not do it?

[Amethyst]

Hard for me to respect anyone who takes the crap in the Bible seriously. Really hard. I feel like I live in a land of two-year-olds. How can you be friends with a two-year-old? I'm just exasperated for the most part with the topics of conversation that most people bother to try to talk about. Most of the time, I'm just looking at people, thinking, "why are you still talking? Why do you think that's worth talking about? If that's all I had to talk about, I would just shut up." And, for the most part, I do shut up most of the time. So, I'm pretty boring, but in a quiet way, as opposed to most people, who are boring in the manner of a jackhammer.

 

I completely understand where you're coming from. I feel like I am constantly surrounded by children (in RL) who haven't grown up most of the time. They all want to believe in Santa Claus and fairy tales. Most of them have intellectual reasoning skills no better than an average child's, too. It's extremely frustrating and I hate having to keep my mouth shut so much of the time. That's why I come here.

 

Really, sometimes I just can't wait for it to be fucking over. If this is all the fun there is to be had, then fuck it. I don't want 30 more years of this shit. You people [of humanity] are boring me to death.

 

This type of thinking can be a warning sign of depression, BTW. But I agree with the previous poster. You have to make your own life fun. Other people aren't going to do that for you. Do what appeals to you, not them. Try doing stuff out of the ordinary.

 

Take some kind of class, or take up a sport. Pick a new hobby at random and try it. Go to a restaurant that serves a kind of food you've never tried. Go to a movie. Do something. But don't rely on others to entertain you.

[Celsus]

Openlyatheist,

 

Perhaps my experiences might help you with understanding Bob and others. when I deconverted, I eventually found my way to Daves site (here) and am one of the few remaining early members. I stay here because Dave and the ExChristian community gave me the guideance to leave what was my life behind and begin again and I hope I can help others. However, outside of ExC, I do not attend the local atheist groups, go on atheist jihads, etc. And there is a reason why not. As a Christian, I let religion DOMINATE my life for thirty years. As an ExChristian, I let religion dominate my life for close to 8 years. In my mind, attending atheist groups means that you are still allowing religion to dominate your life, just in the other direction. I do not need atheist networking, because I have developed human networks that have nothing to do with religion at all. Many atheists and even believers are like this. Atheism is just a description of my worldview, nothing more. I do not wear it as a label, I do not allow religious issues to dominate my life and I damn sure am not going to allow religion to waste anymore of my time, either fighting it or practicing it. To me, going to an atheist group or focusing my life around my non-bleief would be like joining an "ex-high school student" group. Neither high school or religion has any importance in my life anymore. Perhaps your friend Bob feels the same way.

 

Bruce

[Vixentrox]

Loosing a friend hurts no matter if your Christian or Atheist. I have virtually no close friends becuase they all moved away. That's the nature of the military. Now that I'm working again I hope I'll meet some new people. Until then I'll just have my on-line pals and a few casual friends that are still around.

[Godless Wonder]

Really, sometimes I just can't wait for it to be fucking over. If this is all the fun there is to be had, then fuck it. I don't want 30 more years of this shit. You people [of humanity] are boring me to death.

 

I don't mean this as an insult, but if you're waiting around for life to give you a thrill, you're gonna never have any fun. Go out and do stuff. If you're pissed off at the world, learn to play a guitar, start a black metal band, write horribly dark and disturbing songs and scream at the idiots from the stage. It can be very theraputic.

Let's see.

 

I've been playing metal guitar since 1991.

For drums, I wrote my own MIDI drum machine program from scratch.

I've learned to paint.

Last year, I wrote a novel.

 

If I were any more creative, I'd be Leonardo da fucking Vinci.

 

I'm 37 years old. A new hobby ain't gonna cut it. Actually, I don't think I'm clinically depressed. I say that because I know my moods. When circumstances improve, my mood improves. Problem is, a variety of factors seem to conspire (metaphorically speaking) to make it more and more unlikely that circumstances will improve in the areas that need improvement. Medication (say) to abnormally improve my mood in the face of circumstances which should normally depress anyone, I think aren't necessarily a good thing. If I'm going to be happy, I'd like it to be because I have some reasons to be happy other than because I've ingested some random chemicals. (Odd thing for a materialist to say, I suppose, even odder for a drunk materialist to say. Yet there it is.)

 

Ah, shit. Now I've gone and more or less pissed all over openlyathiest's thread, with this crap. Sorry about that . . . If moderaters would like to split my little self-aggrandizing-pity-rant off to another thread, (LOL), that's ok with me. Or not. Whatever's best.

[Godless Wonder]

I like your paintings! are any of them for sale? I especially like the watercolor castle interior.

Thanks, that's one of my favorites too. Just had it properly framed, actually. Hadn't thought about selling any of them. $1 a square inch is the going rate, more or less, so I hear, for unknown painters.

What was your novel about? I'm in the revision stage of one of my novels (STILL) cause i'm a psycho procrastinator.

Oh, it was a laughably bad effort, the main theme being what a crock religion is, woven through a sort of cross between a Quentin Tarantino meets Jack London type plot. Kind of ran out of steam at the end, and, written in a big hurry as it was a nanowrimo thing. All in all, I expect it sucks, though I haven't read it since last year. Probably sucks more now that I've forgotten it, LOL. At least I did it.

[insomniac]

Atheists sometimes seem hard to come by, but my deconversion led me back to some old friends that I had never spent time with since my conversion TO christianity. They are all not religious but love discussing it, so its great having access to that type of network. But I think the argument FOR atheism, in this case, would be the liberties enjoyed by it. Moral perspectives change, etc. but I think the open-minded, broad swath of life enjoyed by a new atheist is a great counter to the immediate social/romantic network acquired via religion.

[Guest Emerson]

Hi openlyatheist, I'm not an Atheist but I do have a unique set of beliefs. I have made up my mind that since I've been born I'm going to just live and try to make the best of this life. Yeah there will be disappointments but that's just life, you gotta take the good with the bad. True, church provides a place for people to socialize, but you can also do it outside of church.

 

I suggest that you get out of your comfort zone as much as possible, while its fine for people to be introverts, extroverts or somewhere in the middle...its not okay to go life being lonely. Do you realize that I have no friends left at all? None. The friends that I had were christians and those who weren't, were gone long ago. I did have one friend who wasn't christian, but since she treats me like a doormat I don't bother with her anymore. I wrote about it in one of the threads here.

 

So essentially we both sort of have to start over friendship wise. I suggest that you start speaking out in conversations with strangers, even small steps like saying hi to clerks at the grocery store can be huge things. If your in college, try to answer or give your opinion even if its not the one the professor is looking for.

 

Get involved in your community, go volunteer somewhere, try to do things with your coworkers, get to know them. Talk to people, try to find things in common. Atheism is like any other belief, just because people are atheists doesn't mean that you are going to like them or stay friends.

 

For example, I'm an American but I don't like every American. You know? Just like when I was a christian, I didn't like every christian! That's a little too much to ask.

 

Move if you can to make more friends, be friends with people you think will click and even try to be friends with people you think aren't like you. Sometimes the most unlikely people are friends, I guess I'm trying to say is get out of your comfort zone and expand. Take risks. I will have to do this within the next few months and weeks because I have no friends anymore. So you're not alone!

 

I have never had a lot of friends, but over the past few years I have begun to realize that my atheism is a reflection of my own personal isolation. It was bad enough finding dates with girls when I had to overcome shyness or fear, now I have begun to realize just how different my atheism makes me from most people.

 

So about a year ago I endeavored to reach out to whatever atheists I could find. I joined a monthly discussion group that never exceeds 6 or 7 people in attendance. I discovered the local chapter of Atheists United wasn’t my cup of tea. And I started an atheist group on meetup.com, but left when they jacked up the price.

 

It was through meetup that I met my friend Bob. Bob is a former fundamentalist whose father was an alcoholic. Now he is a psychologist and an atheist. We have everything in common; the same atheism books on our bookshelves, the same crappy, dateless college years, the same love of heavy metal. I have had dinner with him and his beautiful wife, who treated me like family, and his two adorable kids. Last year he took me out for sushi on my birthday after only knowing me for a few weeks. For lack of a better term, I felt I had met a soul mate. I was able to discuss things with him that I have had no one to share with for years, things I don’t know if I will ever be able to share with anyone again. Though I respect the other atheists that I have met in the past year I wouldn’t say real friendships have blossomed.

 

At some point Bob stopped making it to the meetup meetings. He just always seemed busy. I would send him emails to remind him, give him a call to say “hi.” But to no avail. Then I had to go away on business for a couple of months. Upon returning he called me and said, “Hey, I’m so glad you’re back!” But we only managed to get together once before he returned to being elusive. When my birthday rolled around again he offered to take me out to dinner, but cancelled at the last minute. I knew it would be the last time I heard from him and I was right. I waited to see if he would call me for once, but he didn’t, and I figured I had made all the gestures, done all the calling and emailing I could do to keep this person’s friendship.

 

I had a weird experience when I took a friend to the famous Magic Castle. Of all the random times and places, I ran smack dab into Bob. He was there with his wife celebrating the birthday of some other friend (jealousy!). I offered to hook up with him after the show, but he disappeared and I didn’t see him again that evening. The next day I sent him an email, once again inviting him to our old hang-out, but no response came. I don’t believe he has returned to Christianity or anything, but I doubt I will ever have an explanation for his desertion.

 

In the monthly discussion group I’m part of, where we just get together for lunch and conversation, I have also noticed a lack of commitment from ‘one-timers’, atheists who come to a lunch once and are never heard from again. Do atheists repel atheists? I’m shy, so it’s hard for me to make others feel welcome and comfortable. I wish I could. One regular theorized that the reason for so many ‘one-timers’ is that there are so many single atheist males looking for dates, and there are none to be had at our meeting. The core group consists of 3 couples and one homosexual male, making me the only single heterosexual to regularly make the meetings. I can sympathize with one-timers because the group can honestly leave me depressed at the end of an afternoon as I am reminded of my alienation even among atheists. And just being an atheist doesn’t mean you’re going to have anything in common with other atheists anyway.

 

In my secret dreams I imagine myself an atheistic pioneer, the exact opposite of what I am in real life. Today, atheism suffers from a deficiency of social networking and I know this because it is my personal deficiency. Part of my problem with these lofty networking goals of mine is that until I feel comfortable with myself people will not be compelled to build social relationships with me even if we believe the same things. No one wants to join a discussion group led by an insecure person.

 

The one thing I have noticed from Christian-turned-atheist testimonies is that there is always a factor of social networking involved in the acquisition of religion. Those who walk away from religion risk losing their network; family, friends, spouses. They speak of how, when they joined a church or a prayer or Bible study group, they had instant friends and instant access to social networks and an instant dating pool. This is not the way it is for atheists.

 

Those atheists-turned-Christian that I’ve encountered, are always quick to point out the social benefits of religion, especially where marriage is concerned. From my point of view there’s no comeback for that. Social networking trumps reason any day of the week. There is a reason why most religious people never question what they believe.

 

I guess what I’m trying to get off my chest is: I think atheism is lonely. It is hard to be positive when every believer on the internet wants to know, “What does atheism have to offer? Does atheism bring you peace and prosperity?” and I have no comeback. What do atheists do when a friend, especially another atheist, someone you thought was rational and communicative and just your type, decides they’d rather be a stranger to you? Is just being an atheist enough to base friendship on? Why would an atheist abandon another atheist? Are we atheists in this together or are we all on our own?

 

Thanks for reading this long thing.