Confused

[confused00]

Confused lost and disheartened 

 

Hello everyone ,

 

 I am from the UK and was bought up in a multi faith and mixed race home, my father a liberal Hindu and my mother a what you would call "lukewarm christian."  I grew up in the church and while my mum left ,when I was 13/14 I started to take it very seriously, going to christian camps, youth church and going to christian festivals. I always felt a bit out of place in these church camps and festivals as majority of people were white and Anglican, who would look down on other non Abrahamic religions especially Hinduism and Buddhism , saying they were stupid and didn't make sense and if you were not a Christian you were going to hell.  This would absolutely tear me apart and create a lot of anxiety about my father and what would happen to him, I felt like it was my duty to "save him."

 As I have grown older it is hard for me to deny the spread of christanity in Asia and the eagerness of a majority white christans to "save"all these "poor" asian people from "demonic practices " and while I am aware that hinduism is not perfect, the scaremongering makes me so angry.  

How can I tell my dad that him praying every morning to his deities and gods is "abominable"  and he is going to "hell." Who am I to tell him he is going to hell? He isn't hurting anyone, or forcing me to be hindu yet as christians we are taught to "spread the good news" and use "every opportunity available." However I wouldn't want my dad to become a christian because that would make him unhappy , forcing my beliefs would make him unhappy. 

 Further as I am from Nepal, which is divided into different ethnic groups, I have a "home religion" as I am a Kirat ( an indigenous ethnic group in Nepal), and what blew the straw for me was seeing an entire website set up by some white Christians dedicated to "saving"  different indigenous ethnic groups from hell and seeing a page for the kirat people, with the title ( please pray for the kirat people they need to be saved from hell, fund our missionary trip .)

And I got so angry, why do Christians INSIST on wiping out all forms of "different" why can they not just leave people alone and stop forcing conversions on people who don't want to . I have mostly white christians friends and I just feel they cannot relate to my anger, and would encourage " doing a missionary trip back home." I am also not able to see past the  flaws in the bible and its  anti LGBT+ rhetoric "hate the sin not the sinner" which I always felt uncomfortable with, because " the sin " is part of who people are, and who I am which I have tried to hide and "pray away" for so many years.

When I was having my confirmation classes and my friends and I asked my youth pastor if we could stay behind and ask some questions  and he said "no" because " he had to watch fast and furious on bluray." 

HELLO? We are about to" dedicate our life to christ " and this was the help given for any questions we had. 

 

I just feel very raw and hurt, it feels like my whole world is crashing down, this is something so ingrained in me but I don't agree with it anymore, writing this I feel so bad and sinful but I have been holding this in so long and I been trying to find somewhere were people wouldn't call me crazy or stupid or that I was just having a " testing season" like they say in church.

I haven't quite stopped believing in a God, but I've stopped believing in Christianity if you know what I mean.

I just wanted to know if I wasn't they only one who felt like this.

Kindest  Regards 

 

X

 

 

[Hierophant]

@confused00 Welcome to Ex-Christian.net, you came to the right place.

 

I want to address the different topics, and if I miss something, or if I did not state something clearly to you, please let me know.

 

I can empathize with your frustration with the Christians who feel compelled to evangelize the "lost." What I am about to say is not a defense of what they are doing, but I am going to explain it. A lot of Christians feel it is their duty to spread the gospel. If you have not been exposed to it, there are pastors and big names in the Christian community who want to guilt people into doing more for Jesus. They take the Great Commission very seriously. Often times it is seen as a religious obligation to God to spread the word and evangelize those who are outside the faith. While espousing that salvation is obtained through faith, you can peek behind the curtain and see that a lot of denominations think you should be doing good works to either help your salvation or at least participate in it. Going on a mission to another country and "suffering persecution" or going through hardship is a badge of honor for them. Makes them feel like real Christians who are doing the real work, not those fat ass suburb Christians who only attend church and maybe participate in the bake sell every now and then. Christians are okay with different, so long as different does not deviate from orthodoxy. They normally will not pester anyone who is from a different culture, but shares the same faith, so long as that culture does not clash with orthodoxy. At the end of the day, they believe their views are correct and that anyone who does not share those views are going to hell.

 

Regarding your struggle with being in the LGBT+ category, I cannot speak to it personally, but that does often clash with the orthodox of Christianity. I am not an expert on this matter and I do not want to give you any bad advice. Perhaps another member here can speak to you privately about it.

 

I know the pain of leaving religion. Most of the members in this community did it. I can tell you this, it heals with time, and knowledge. When I first stepped out of the Christian box, it was terrifying! My whole worldview was in question, I am sure it feels as if you are questioning reality itself. This is normal and eventually you will land on solid ground. I recommend reading a few testimonies of other people who have left the faith. I bet you will discover a lot of people were where you are now, and you can see where they ended up. I encourage you to read my testimony, I discuss how I got into Christianity, my time in it, and how I eventually left.

 

Believe me, you are not the only who feels like you do. Plenty have felt that way in the past and more will be in your situation in the future. This website is a safe place to vent your frustrations and ask questions without the fear of reprisal or condemnation.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Welcome!

Christianity tries to give a simple black and white, one size fits all, any who reject are damned message. For a very long time, that fear contrasted with alleged love of god was enough to convert hundreds of millions of people. That and forced conversions by governments egged on by the church. The fear it can create is a very deeply felt thing by many, as is the guilt it creates for simple things like sexual desire, which is entirely normal and should not have any shame associated with it. 

 

Christianity portrays the world as created by their god, and that there is an enemy (the devil), and that people need to be saved or they will be damned. It is a simplistic, cruel, and wrong approach to life. Just a cursory reading of most of the Bible shows that this "god" is evil, has a strong thirst for blood, generally kills anyone who disobeys, and requires very odd things from followers like mutilating their genitals. In short, it is an old obscure tribal cult that happened to become very popular. None of it is real. The cosmology of the bible is absurd. Examples are god getting scared of people building a tall tower (Bab-El, gate to god), as though heaven was just above the clouds; Jesus ascending "up" into heaven, just above the clouds (there is no up in space, it goes forever in all directions). We fly planes above the clouds all the time, and even have spacecraft that have flown outside the solar system. Other religions like Islam have this same primitive view of cosmology, with Mohammed ascending to heaven on a flying horse.

 

Like many cults, it wants to control the members and keep them obedient and scared (though many would deny this, I've been to far too many meetings where people are weeping over how very human they are, since they keep expecting to become like a magic obedient Jesus). They want to eliminate other religions, because they consider all of them to be from the devil. Sex and lust are called sinful because it is a basic drive common to nearly all life, and thus makes an easy "problem" that people can never cure, and have to keep coming back to the church to confess sin. But again, it is absolutely normal to have sexual drives, and there is a spectrum of variety in those drives. 

 

You've also encountered how very human the leaders are, preferring their own leisure time to helping someone with real questions. Leaders here, at least in big churches, are often rich. A local "pastor of pastors" has several gold and diamond rings on his fingers, and loads of businessmen surrounding him to protect him from questions. Questions are met with "We think you'd be happier somewhere else." They want sheep that they can control easily. 

 

Many believers are uncomfortable with questions. Questions are the opposite of blind faith, and that is the one thing that they crave. Serious believers weep, desperately wanting to "die to self" and be crucified so that they don't question or even desire anything contrary to whatever god wants. It's a strange cult that way, and the ideal is always out of reach. 

 

Is there a god? I'd say nothing like the human-figure kind that sit on thrones and judge people. Not all of us here are atheist entirely. I am atheist in the sense that most of the gods of religions are not real beings, but more like facets of being, and that we are all together (that is all living things) part of "god" or the spark of life. 

 

Again, welcome! I hope that you can find your way away from the cult of Christianity and into a path that is wholesome and helps you in life. 

 

[Derek]

Hi and welcome to ex c  As to the missionary stuff, that's what Christians do...they spread their doctrine...its like a virus. And it's just as harmful as covid 19. On the bright side, heathens like us (  ) are gaining some ground as church attendance has been slipping lately. Just recently, it was announced that a church in my hometown is closing later this year because of financial issues. I guess god needs money lol

[◊ Weezer ◊]

WELCOME!  It is confusing.  But you seem to have good, rational thought processes and can find your way through the mess.  Read some other testimonies in this section to see how others worked through the process of deconverting.   My testimony, TRUTH, A GRADUAL AWAKENING, is a step by step process of years of questioning and researching religion, with my conclusions at the end.  Maybe it, and others will help you on your journey.  There are also some very good books available. 

[Steviejay]

Hope these help a little

 

Christians are selfish people. They only spread it around to feather their OWN eternal nest in heaven with spiritual godly gifts and so that they are not classed as the LEAST thought of in the kingdom of heaven...... it's all ME ME ME

 

Welcome

[MOHO]

Welcome to the forums, @confused00.

Glad you fund us.

 

Most of us here experienced the "Oh my GOD! What have I done!" Initially after proclaiming our doubt or outright rejection of the doctrine. That fear goes away over time but it does take some time as your brain has been "trained" to think one way for years. It takes time to "re-wire" your brain. This is why indoctrination is to powerful and why indoctrinating little children is so abusive.

 

I don't know if you have ever been exposed to network marketing but that's were a salesman gets a commission from each sale from each new salesman he brings to the company. This way his income grows and grows. Christianity is much like that. The church and it's leaders very much desire money and power and a growing church provides more of those things. Knowing this the focus of most Christian entities is on evangelizing. That is also why the doctrine state that you MUST bring more people to Christianity in order to by "saved" from the eternal torture that the religion created in the first place. Fear is humanities most powerful emotion and is exploited by a number of clergy, politicians, leaders, and corporate managers.

 

Now that you know this we want you to get out there and spread this web site to all of your friends and family. If you fail in this task we will force you to watch Fast and Furious on Blue ray.

[♦ ficino ♦]

Hello Confused00, and welcome to Ex-Chr. I second what others have said. It's worthwhile hearing from people who have been through some of what you have been through.

 

I have never met anyone from Nepal, however. One of the members of this board, Bhim, is Hindu. His family is Hindu. Bhim went through some years as an evangelical Christian but then got out of it for a number of good reasons. He now expresses support for attempts in India to curtail the influence of Christian missionaries. Bhim may see your message, or you could PM him if your membership here allows you that capability.

 

As for being LGBT+, I'm gay and married to another man. For years as I Christian, I did what I now would call acquiescing in my own oppression, but back then I thought I was carrying the cross to look forward to a whole life of being single. Many things like unanswered prayer and the obvious injustice of Yahweh led me out of the cult.

 

Hang around here and you will get more perspectives! 

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

On 6/24/2020 at 4:29 PM, confused00 said:

 As I have grown older it is hard for me to deny the spread of christanity in Asia and the eagerness of a majority white christans to "save"all these "poor" asian people from "demonic practices " and while I am aware that hinduism is not perfect, the scaremongering makes me so angry.  

How can I tell my dad that him praying every morning to his deities and gods is "abominable"  and he is going to "hell." Who am I to tell him he is going to hell? He isn't hurting anyone, or forcing me to be hindu yet as christians we are taught to "spread the good news" and use "every opportunity available."

Hello @confused00. Thank you for the open hearted letter and the vulnerability you showed, and trusting us to read and respond.  I think you need to trust your instincts, and how you feel about the matter. I think you're thinking something along the lines of "How can these beliefs be so cruel? Am I not understanding something? Do they not know what it means?". I'm going to straight out say something that took me decades to realize and internalize: The cruelty is the whole point. You are understanding it correctly, and the implications are overwhelming. The long-term believers, pastors, and "spiritual-leaders" of the type know exactly how cruel it is and they revel in it - don't be fooled by their false posturing and lip-service to kindness. 

 

You don't have to take my word for it - in fact I prefer that you don't, and that you figure this out yourself. Trust yourself. Trust your intuition about the cruelty these beliefs imply, and their incompatibility with the kindness with which we need to live to be a decent person. Truthful people aren't afraid of you thinking for yourself and coming to your own conclusions.

 

Quote

I haven't quite stopped believing in a God, but I've stopped believing in Christianity if you know what I mean.

I just wanted to know if I wasn't they only one who felt like this.

Believe me, I know how you feel. I was very hurt and conflicted - even for a decade after my deconversion. 

 

I have one additional advice: Your "white christian friends" are probably not your friends (unless they're secretly harboring feelings of conflictedness such as yourself). Be very weary of them, and please look elsewhere for new perspectives and different kinds of people. You might be surprised at the depths of friendships you can find outside the white christian community.

 

Sincerely,

-DT