Just something of a hi

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

I used to come on this site about 3-4 years ago when I was losing my "faith". I really started questioning when I was ten and found I really wanted an escape. Mostly because I wanted to read smut without God breathing down my neck. Yes, that's what started it all. It's taken me awhile to make an account for sure. I cannot remember why I didn't make one when I had questions. Much of my desire to escape the religion was emotional rather than logical so I stayed stuck in a very fearful questioning cycle for a long time. It got to a point that I was so obsessively questioning that I disassociated during a French field trip. Not that I'm any stranger to dissociation (being trans n all). I really struggled with the fear of hell for a long time and became quite nihilistic. That mixed with a constant state of depersonalization does wonders for the mind.  Looking back on my whole journey, it's pretty sad I had to go through it alone. My Christian parents would have and never have understood the burden I had to carry. Because despite god's "wondrous love", I still felt suffocated. I would have nightmares of being buried alive or being dragged back to the religion. I could never breathe during those and always felt a weight on my chest. I made an entire world in my head based on a kid that made a deal with a fallen angel so that they could escape god's reach. 

 

It's hard to chronically detail my de-conversation but I'm gonna try and mark down important things I remember. So obviously ten year old me just wanted to read gay smut in peace (I used a DSI to read it lol) and was then constantly apologizing to god for doing so . That produced a few good years of anxiety until I got my first dinky phone that had access to internet. Then I started my obsessive questioning. That had to go on for a bit. I would bounce back and forth between states of pure fear and then shaky confidence I had escaped. My dad forced me to go to youth for about two years as well. Ironically we made a deal that I'd go for a month and if I didn't like it, I wouldn't have to go. He went back on that obviously. So every Wednesday, I felt like an isolated, cornered animal about to snap. I couldn't trust any of the people in there. I did like this quiet girl however, who was the daughter of someone who was nice to me and understood my distance from Christianity. Of course by understand I mean she respected it enough to not constantly badger me about my beliefs. We'll call her T. One of my biggest fears in church and in general was being cornered by a Christian and them thinking of me as some pet project. Then I'd have to deal that empty, "oh so nice" Christian smile. Where they're all friendly and "care" because they cannot stand you going to hell. That smile got under my skin more than anything. In youth and in church, their eyes always seemed glazed over from euphoria and fake, hypocritical smiles. It felt like being in a cult even though it was just your average non-denominational church. 

 

Now getting back to T. She was fairly nice most of the thing even if she had that same scary look in her eyes. Then there came the day I fucked up. The youth thing was opening up in prayer and everyone was bowing their heads. I was just walking in and felt like I was intruding. Yes, prayer made me uncomfortable but I really did feel like I was intruding on something. After it ended, she came up to me and started dragging me by the arm. She was angry for sure and was going on about how I should haven't been out of the room because security and shit. I approached her later trying to apologize about that. She was the only person who felt like any sort of safe figure in that place. Disappointing her hurt more than it should have. Anyways, she acted like I was some sort of monster when I tried to apologize. As if I couldn't get the big picture of my fuck up. Which I couldn't because she never told me the real problem in the fucking first place. I had to approach her again later to get what she was so pissed about. Apparently she thought I was ashamed of Christians or something because I stepped out of the room. I don't remember if I tried to explain my side or not. I don't think she'd let me. 

 

So comes part two of that day. My attempt to apologize to her consisted of something that made my skin crawl. I had concluded that since prayer was the area I had fucked up in, that's what I had to fix. So I choose to go up on stage and lead the final prayer. I had some nasty social anxiety at the time and combining that with my fear of Christian garbage, I was really sticking my neck out for that damn women. I came up with the prayer on the fly and managed to get my apology in there. I was extremely uncomfortable the whole time and was equally relieved when it was over. T came over to me and seemed to think I was coming around to God. I just sat there and listened to her feeling confused and betrayed. I was hearing everything that made me angry and scared me from the lips of the person who'd been my only safety in that place. I was pissed at her for a good while and managed to distance myself from her. I eventually relaxed in youth after some friends who were chill started going. I also eventually managed to stop going after some point as well. 

 

I was still bouncing back and forth and ironically had my first and currently only paranormal experience in that church. I'll detail it later if someone asks but onto the second traumatic event that I remember. I was 16 at the same and we were just leaving church. I was a lot more sure of myself and had been an atheist for awhile. I was also pretty skilled in the mindset of Christians and knew however my mother reacted, it wasn't my fault. Still everything that ended up happening broke me in a way I cannot describe despite the fact I remained calm for my mom's side of it. As we were leaving church I merely told her I didn't agree with a lot of things in the bible and didn't like church. That's all I told her. She then proceed to breakdown in the car and ask me why I hated god. I told her I didn't and just didn't believe. I can't remember most of it but she cried for awhile. I knew it was going to be a horrible idea but I told my dad she was upset so he could comfort her. Once again, I put people's feelings before my own and in return they hurt me. My father came back up after awhile acting like I was the one who was a hypocrite and monster. Like I was at fault for this all. He went on about how I was believing Satan's lies and threatened to sent me to a private Christian school. After sending me off to my room. I started to break down and 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩. It was uncontrollable and I absolutely lost it. All of my past fears were being confirmed and I could only laugh at the 𝘪𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘺. My parents probably thought I was possessed or something while I lost my shit but I can't say I care. I knew I'd probably kill myself if they sent me off to a private school like that. I wouldn't be able to take the isolation and hypocrisy. He thankfully never went through with the threat and I healed relatively unscathed emotionally. 

 

Those are two of the biggest events I can remember. My de-conversion was ugly and traumatic despite the fact I'm more or less over my anger and bitterness. I could only hang onto it for so long. I really just wanted to move on of all things. Finding out I was transgender as well really shifted my focus onto a whole new problem as well (I was considering it when I was sixteen but buried it until about a year ago). One of the biggest things that I regret though is I never got therapy for it. I'd never have the chance because of my parents. I had to sort through all of that by myself knowing they'd never help me. It's not that they are bad people but they were unintentionally toxic and that far from helped in the long run. I've forgiven them since then even if we've still got our differences. They'll never be truly supportive of me and I've learned to live with that. My father especially. I don't really have any sort of deep relationship with him like I do my mother. I'm still trying to figure out all these weird things about me as well. I'm not really fully an atheist even though I consider that simply not believing in any sort of religious god. I'm best described as an agnostic atheist/deist that believes in the supernatural. I'm pretty superstitious as well despite finding comfort in the wrongness of Christianity. I don't think that will ever change, especially after having a paranormal experience I've never been able to explain. Thanks for reading and this about wraps up this post. If you have any questions, feel free to let me know!

 

 

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

Re-analyzing my state of mind though, I do notice I still carry the remnants of indoctrination and probably trauma. Like end times and all that. Even reading an article about can trigger some mild anxiety. It not what it used to be but it still dregs in my mind. Like it never fully left. Probably never did. Hell I had a nasty, obsessive relapse that wasn't that long ago where I lost my shit over Revelations. That's where I disassociated during my French trip. I've always downplayed any sort of trauma or RTS, especially the RTS thing. The idea that I was traumatized by my de-conversion is still sinking in and I'm starting to realize maybe it isn't something I can just say I've worked out. Something I've gotten over. Never having therapy  or any supportive adults especially aids in that idea. I'm still bewildered by the idea and it doesn't feel like it could be a reality. Not after I've moved (mostly) forward. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

I honestly don't know how to respond to you, except to suggest you make an appointment at a mental health center and tell them your story.

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

23 minutes ago, Weezer said:

I honestly don't know how to respond to you, except to suggest you make an appointment at a mental health center and tell them your story.

With COVID and my plans for college (that were also set back), I can't really afford to.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

Thanks for the advice though.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

On second thought, what do you mean when you say you "lost your shit"?  And describe the paranormal episode?

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Human relationships are hard enough without the make-believe world that is OH SO IMPORTANT to believers. It adds so many levels of absolutes that aren't really absolutes, mortal dangers that are completely imaginary, and a wonderful loving psychotic bloodthirsty daddy who will fix everything but won't really and it's all your fault even though he changes you forever. AIEEEEE!

 

It is good that you recognize the trauma. I hope you can find some good relationships to take the place of the toxic ones, though that is hard to do during COVID. 

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

51 minutes ago, Weezer said:

On second thought, what do you mean when you say you "lost your shit"?  And describe the paranormal episode?

 

By "lost my shit" I mean all the emotions I had been shoving down whilst my parents were being horrible burst out. Everything kinda came crashing down and I was laughing like a maniac. As for the paranormal episode, it actually happened in youth. I was in a really dark, downwards spiral of nihilistic/anxious thoughts pertaining to god. The kids were up at the alter praying and no one was close to me at all. (All the tables were empty). Then something whispered my name right next to my ear (my dead name at the time). I felt the breath on my ear. It sounded like a kid after further examination. It scared me out of my seat lol. I tried to figure out what caused it but have never been able to come up with any sort of explanation. I can't imagine it being an auditory hallucination as that's the only freaky thing that's ever occurred to me. (Also the church is ironically like a block from a graveyard so hehe). I don't think I'll ever have a rational explanation for something like this. I've never had any other experiences personally but I've had friends in dark places who have described similar things. Except they were way more intense and those people actually saw things. So I tend to see it more as the supernatural being drawn to negative "energy" and feeding off of it. No I cannot support something like this with evidence. It's not really something you can. I hope I can find a logical conclusion though.

[DanForsman]

You are crossing a minefield with your "deconversion" and your transgender admissions so you do want to be kind to yourself and if possible locate and befriend some nice person who is going through similar trying situations in at least one of those difficult areas. Finding more than one like minded or at least similarly minded person would be even better, if possible. Having reasonable thoughts and questions that are treated by everyone in your circle as unreasonable and possibly even evil will wear on you no matter how stable your state of mind. You could check the Recovering From Religion website for a group near you or at least go to some freethinker meetup group that is in your area even if the meetings are now virtual. The other thing that I think would help you feel more grounded would be to make your own deliberate thorough well reasoned search to make it absolutely clear in your conscious mind at least whether or not the christian religion has merit or any part that particularly concerns you has merit. Maybe it is just something that some men made up a long time ago. Keep looking until you are convinced that you have answered these types of questions to the best of your ability and that further looking without new evidence won't change your mind. It might seem easier to skip this step and use emotions instead of reason to see what feels true but this rational deliberate looking is the short cut to keeping yourself from going back and forth. You might want to actually write down you're main concerns and questions and then keep researching each one until you've looked at everything there is available on the subject so you can make your own informed decision. Of course if you do get an opportunity to get some secular therapy it will make things much easier for you. Good luck with everything as you transition into this new life of your own making.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Some good advice from Dan.  If you want a quick logical look at Christianity, see my testimonial in the TESTIMONIAL section, called TRUTH, A GRADUAL AWAKENING.   And there are some excellent books/videos recommended on this site.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about that paranormal experience, unless you have more episodes.  There was a lot of emotional pressure going on at that time.

 

Are you going through the transgender process now, or planning to do that?  Whoever you see about that should be able to refer you to a support group.  You have a lot on your plate and I wish you well.

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

3 hours ago, Weezer said:

Some good advice from Dan.  If you want a quick logical look at Christianity, see my testimonial in the TESTIMONIAL section, called TRUTH, A GRADUAL AWAKENING.   And there are some excellent books/videos recommended on this site.

 

I wouldn't worry too much about that paranormal experience, unless you have more episodes.  There was a lot of emotional pressure going on at that time.

 

Are you going through the transgender process now, or planning to do that?  Whoever you see about that should be able to refer you to a support group.  You have a lot on your plate and I wish you well.

 

I've got a couple years before I can even think about transitioning unfortunately. However, thank you. I still question what the paranormal experience was though. 

[DanForsman]

7 hours ago, KrysLostInSpace said:

I still question what the paranormal experience was though. 

These freakish happenings seem to grab all the attention but it's the other 99+% of your life that truly deserves the focus. Why not put your attention on what is mostly your life where your efforts will almost certainly reap big rewards.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

17 hours ago, KrysLostInSpace said:

 I still question what the paranormal experience was though. 

 

The brain is an extremely complex thing and can do some strange things under certain conditions.   Are you worried about the experience, or just curious?

[◊ DestinyTurtle ◊]

On 7/17/2020 at 6:15 PM, KrysLostInSpace said:

One of my biggest fears in church and in general was being cornered by a Christian and them thinking of me as some pet project. Then I'd have to deal that empty, "oh so nice" Christian smile. Where they're all friendly and "care" because they cannot stand you going to hell.

Oh man I feel you about that whole patronizing attitude and dehumanizing environment. How they they expect anyone to figure out who they are or what your values are, in that environment? Of course the answer is that they don't want you to - they just want you to succumb to the manipulation.

 

Anyways, I'm glad you see through it. Best of luck navigating that terrain during deconversion!

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

9 hours ago, Weezer said:

 

The brain is an extremely complex thing and can do some strange things under certain conditions.   Are you worried about the experience, or just curious?

More curious than anything honestly. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

30 minutes ago, KrysLostInSpace said:

More curious than anything honestly. 

[Myrkhoos]

hello, 

 

Short version. Caution before any major life change.   

Long version.    Well, I am possibly going to step on a mine here, but it would be a good thing to sort any prior trauma before any thought of physical transitioning. If you already have a fragile nervous system, derailing your hormone system can be dangerous and can have long term effects. I would recommend that before any major life change, if possible, like marriage, moving to a new country, other major surgeries, enourmous career change. And really study it. 

       May you be well.

          

[Guest KrysLostInSpace]

On 7/22/2020 at 11:50 AM, Myrkhoos said:

hello, 

 

Short version. Caution before any major life change.   

Long version.    Well, I am possibly going to step on a mine here, but it would be a good thing to sort any prior trauma before any thought of physical transitioning. If you already have a fragile nervous system, derailing your hormone system can be dangerous and can have long term effects. I would recommend that before any major life change, if possible, like marriage, moving to a new country, other major surgeries, enourmous career change. And really study it. 

       May you be well.

          

 

Pretty much everyone in this thread has failed to realized I'm already de-converted. I have been for a good while. For the most part, I have healed from that transition. I'm not angry anymore nor do I actually seek validation for those experiences either. I moved on. I won't be able to transition for years to come anyways. My story was mostly written so I can have a better grasp of the timeline of my journey but also for acceptance. Acceptance for the fact I was probably traumatized in some sort of way even if I'm not feeling the effects of it today. It felt unreal when I finished typing my story but it sank in and now it just feels like a fact. Nothing more, nothing less. Thank for your advice though.