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Well this was unexpected.


LostinParis
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The other day I woke up livid. I still am.

I thought I had processed all the anger, two years later.

 

I’m angry at religion. I’m angry at myself for believing the bullshit. I’m angry at my ex for loving only the christian version of me.

 

It feels like I am starting my life again from scratch. My psychologist says it’s simply a new chapter in my life, a change in seasons.

I had made so much progress, now I feels like I have gone backwards. The tide has changed.

 

Has anyone else felt like this?

Help.

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17 minutes ago, florduh said:

The past does not define your present unless you want it to. It's all good, just try to enjoy your freedom.


You’re right. I’m still giving them control over me. This does not define me.

 

That reminds me. I was watching the movie Moana with my kids yesterday. There is was song towards the end where I burst into tears. My kids looked at me, puzzled. I guess I’m still struggling to find myself.

 

I have crossed the horizon to find you

I know your name

They have stolen the heart from inside you

But this does not define you

This is not who you are

You know who you are

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I spent the first thirty years of my life suppressing subconscious resentments, anger, and outright hatred that stemmed from the constant manipulation, coercion, and brute force of my childhood indoctrination.  When I finally realized that anger is not a "sin", but rather, a perfectly normal, and sometimes even useful, human emotion, I absolutely reveled in it.  Anger is not an unreasonable response to what I went through; and I allowed myself a season of freedom to experience it (well, to squeeze the very marrow out of it, would be more accurate).  As the years have passed, I've slowly learned how to harness my anger and direct it into positive purposes. 

 

This is not to say that I don't still have the occasional flare-up of post-indoctination angst.  I certainly do; as any survivor of abuse will.  Only now I can recognize it for what it is: a largely negative and useless predilection towards living in a past that I can not change.  I can attempt to reconcile myself to the past; perhaps even embrace it.  But, only the present is mine in which to live.

 

You are rebuilding your life; and so have I, many times over.  This, too, shall pass.

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It's not too unusual to swing in and out of the anger.  Find a constructive way to express it, and let it out.  I found writing about it helped.   Like the professor said, "this too shall pass."  Some day you may, like I finally have, come to have pity on the others, and myself.  You are simply being human.

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6 hours ago, Weezer said:

Some day you may, like I finally have, come to have pity on the others, and myself.


I do pity them too. I see them as hostages. Perhaps even Stockholm Syndrome.

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I left the cult in 1988 and I still feel the odd tinge of anger. I think it's perfectly normal and human to be angry at the indoctrination that happened in our childhoods. Like Weezer said...find a constuctive outlet for it. :)

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Another key issue here is forgiveness, both for yourself and for those who hurt you.  But forgiveness is often a highly misunderstood subject, especially among the indoctrinated. 

 

Forgiveness is not an offer of absolution for those who hurt you; nor is it an acceptance of their behavior toward you.  Forgiveness is you setting yourself free from the anger, hurt, resentment that they caused you.  You choose not to live in that prison, or drink that poison, anymore.  Forgiveness has nothing to do with them; and everything to do with you.

 

Often, also, in cases like this, it is necessary to run forgiveness in tandem with boundaries.  There is nothing wrong with forgiving someone; but also keeping that person at arm's length in the future.  Because forgiveness doesn't mean you accept their behavior; rather, you reject it, and, if necessary, you reject them along with it.  

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Losing your faith and probably all or most of your church community AND your marriage is really a lot to process. Don't be too hard on yourself if your grieving and recovery takes longer than you think it should or you feel like you have setbacks in the way you are processing all this. Everyone is different and trying circumstances that are apparently easy for some people to work through and move on from can effect others much more deeply. Two years may be too little time for you to process all these changes. If I were you I would  be not afraid that a good resolution would not come but rather trust myself that I will find the answers I need in time. When we are in a longer more difficult process it can be hard to know exactly where we are in the process so if you feel like you can allow yourself space from time to time to just be, and trust your subconscious self to resolve everything you might find comfort in that letting go and even help yourself with your process.   

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