From Radical Fundamentalist To Ex-christian In Only 40 Years

[Guest GrewUpFundie]

I stumbled across these forums and feel very fortunate to have found them. It's a good feeling to know that I'm not alone in my journey.

 

I'm currently 41 years old, and I grew up in a midsize Southern town. My parents were hardcore charismatic Fundamentalists (Church of God); they believed in speaking in tongues with Holy Ghost-inspired interpretation, demonic posession, faith healing, and extreme limits on behavior. Women could not wear pants, and were discouraged from wearing jewelry other than wedding rings. "Mixed bathing" (boy/girl swimming in same area) was strictly prohibited. Church members could not go to movie theaters. It seems surreal when I look back upon it; even the Falwell-smitten Southern Baptists thought we were extremists.

 

I went to a very small Christian school from Kindergarten until 12th grade, where I learned - among many other things - that the Communists were poised to invade any minute and kill our parents for reading the Bible, that Noah's Ark was actually found on Mount Ararat by the astronauts, that it was sinful for boys to have hair that touched the top of their ears or for girls to wear skirts that showed their knees, and - at various times- that computers, bar codes, and/or credit cards were precursors to the Mark of the Beast. Physical contact of any kind between unmarried couples was frowned upon, and interracial dating was completely out of the question. ("Be not unequally yoked" was cited, although out of context - 2 Cor. 6:14). The cause of most of the world's ills was something called "secular humanism".

 

It was a total-immersion fundamentalist lifestyle. My extended family shared the same views; several of my uncles were ministers. We went to church three times a week, and during the week I was at the church-sponsored school. When school was out, I went to church-sponsored summer camp. Until I was in my teens, I literally believed that I had a normal American family.

 

My natural curiousity and skepticism often got me into trouble. I developed a reputation as a bit of a rebellious child for asking questions that most people didn't ask. For example, I couldn't understand how rock music was inherently Satanic while country music, with its glorification of drunkenness and infidelity, was never mentioned. (It wasn't until much later that I realized that alienating country music fans would involve alienating the people who put money into the offering plate.)

 

I think my doubts began to take root in my high school years. At school, I had a Bible teacher that was a big sports fan. He went into a rant one day about how movies were a tool of the devil, and about Godless movie stars in particular. I asked what his specific problem was with them. He cited drug abuse, multiple marriages, hedonistic lifestyles, etc. I asked how this was so different than sports stars. That question earned me a trip to the principal's office.

 

In my early 20's, I began to ask my friends exactly why they subscribed to a literalist view of the Bible, hoping to find an explanation that made sense. The passage that I generally asked them about was part of 2 Kings 6. In this passage, Elisha was helping some fellow believers build a larger meeting place. While chopping down a tree, the axe head flew into the water. Elisha cut a stick and threw it into the water, and the axe head "swam" to the top. It seemed inconceivable to me that an axe head could swim. My friends were generally disturbed that I brought up the topic, and most refused to discuss it. It began to dawn upon me that fundamentalist Christians did not encourage even the most cursory examination of their beliefs, and once I had this insight, I began to see confirming signs everywhere. Not only were questions discouraged, confusion or doubt was viewed as a sin unto itself. In fact, there seemed to be a definite bias against education of any sort; my church started a College & Career class at my urging, but appointed as teacher a twenty-something who had never gone to college.

 

All this time, I tried to be a good Christian. I prayed every day, and thought it was my fault when I heard no response. I sat through many a fire-and-brimstone sermon, and could feel the raw emotional power in the room, but even at an early age, it seemed to be more sizzle than steak. Since everyone around me seemed to "get it" while I didn't, I blamed myself.

 

After much thought and many unanswered prayers for guidance, I decided that maybe I was going to the wrong church. I spent several years exploring various denominations, being careful not to stray too far into the "liberal" wing of Christianity. I went to Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian churches. Finally, in some desperation, I decided to sit down and read the Bible cover to cover.

 

Like many of you, that was the defining moment for me. It was immediately obvious to me that passages in the Bible could be found to justify - or condemn - almost any behavior. The sheer bulk of contradictory information was amazing, and it was very eye-opening to discover large chunks of the Bible that I had never heard about in any church service or Bible class. It was also enlightening to read the epistles of Paul, where he implies that it's OK to drink alcoholic beverages (an idea that horrified my parents), and suggests that essentially any behavior is OK as long as it does not bring harm to another person (literally "does not cause a brother to stumble"). At the same time, the amazing level of violence found in books like Dueteronomy and (especially) Judges was disturbing, and seemed to answer a lot of my internal questions about how a "religion of love and understanding" could exterminate the Caananites, bring about the Spanish Inquisition, etc.

 

I began to seek out alternative points of view, both from a moral/philosophical standpoint and a scientific/historical one. At the same time, computer bulletin boards were just starting to appear, and I joined many discussions on FidoNet and the other early networks, finding a diversity of opinion and belief that just didn't exist in my own part of the country. I also read many books, and began to see that not only was religion unecessary, it was counter-productive, and what's more, the universe could be a place of awe and wonder without it. (I have Carl Sagan to thank for that insight.)

 

Still, it was quite a long time before I considered myself to be an ex-Christian. In my town, people often asked "where do you go to church?" immediately upon meeting someone new, and it was both a career-limiting move and a social faux pas of epic proportions to say "nowhere". My parents and family remained devout, and even hardened their opinions as time went on and the country became more polarized. I avoided discussing religion with them by telling them that I thought a person's religious beliefs were very personal, and that I didn't need any help from them or anyone else in determining my own. Outside my family, I kept my religious opinions to myself unless sorely provoked.

 

Over time, it became more and more annoying to be a humanist free-thinker in a town of fundamentalists. I married a wonderful woman who shared my opinions, which helped considerably, but then we had a daughter. As she approached school age, I became very uncomfortable with the idea of raising her in a town that valued religious fervor over education or intelligence.

 

My daughter is now 7, and in second grade. After a couple of disastrous, infuriating years dealing with my hometown elementary schools - imagine the quality of the public school system in a town where a majority of residents feel that "too much" education is dangerous! - we had to get out. I took a job in Chicago several months ago, and my family will join me here when school is out at the end of May. I moved three months ago, and I can't tell you how refreshing it is that no one - NO ONE - has asked me where I go to church since I got here.

 

Well, that's my long, rambling anti-testimony. Thanks to all of you for providing a place where I can get this off my chest!

[Loren]

My natural curiousity and skepticism often got me into trouble. I developed a reputation as a bit of a rebellious child for asking questions that most people didn't ask.

 

I think my doubts began to take root in my high school years. At school, I had a Bible teacher that was a big sports fan. He went into a rant one day about how movies were a tool of the devil, and about Godless movie stars in particular. I asked what his specific problem was with them. He cited drug abuse, multiple marriages, hedonistic lifestyles, etc. I asked how this was so different than sports stars. That question earned me a trip to the principal's office.

A man after my own heart!

Finally, in some desperation, I decided to sit down and read the Bible cover to cover.

Funny how for so many of us, actually sitting down for some serious study of the damned Bible was one of the last places we went. I can certainly relate. It's also an indictment of the damned clergy that when a believing Christian truly wants to deepen their understanding, their damned pastor will actually discourage them from any genuine Bible study. How much more convenient for the damned preacher to just give them some pissy little pamphlet of canned, predigested apologetics to be memorized and regurgitated later while witnessing. Then, the damned preacher can go watch the football game, patting himself on the back for a job well done.

 

"Well done, thou good and faithful servant," my ass! More like an abject and complete betrayal of trust, professional incompetence and sheer selfish heartlessness.

 

Welcome, GUF!

 

You're in good company here, as I see you've already noted. Enjoy your time here!

 

Loren

[Curtdude]

Hey Welcome GUF!

 

Enjoyed your story...look forward to hearing more of your thoughts here in Apostate World!

 

[kellyb]

Your story is very similar to mine in a lot of ways.

I was "prayed for" a lot for asking what seemed to me to be valid questions.

They said I "had a rebellious spirit" because I asked questions I actually thought they probably had good answers for!

It was kind of surreal realizing at 14 "So, ya'll are all just full of shit? That's really it?"

 

At 15 I had decided it was modern christianity that was, in fact, the antichrist/babylon the great...lol...

 

I'm 27 now and it was only last year that I really came to terms with the fact that there was nothing "real" in Christianity at all.

[insomniac]

grats GUF, welcome to ex. i think your experience demonstrates how the bible can be so arbitrarily interpreted and yet completely accepted by our beloved fundies. =)

[Guest GrewUpFundie]

Thanks for the welcome, everyone! It's great to be able to talk about this with people who understand.

 

Funny how for so many of us, actually sitting down for some serious study of the damned Bible was one of the last places we went. I can certainly relate. It's also an indictment of the damned clergy that when a believing Christian truly wants to deepen their understanding, their damned pastor will actually discourage them from any genuine Bible study. How much more convenient for the damned preacher to just give them some pissy little pamphlet of canned, predigested apologetics to be memorized and regurgitated later while witnessing. Then, the damned preacher can go watch the football game, patting himself on the back for a job well done.

 

"Well done, thou good and faithful servant," my ass! More like an abject and complete betrayal of trust, professional incompetence and sheer selfish heartlessness.

 

Maybe I'm just cynical by nature, but I think it's basically a control thing. At my parents' church, the people were not very educated and were mostly incurious by nature. These things were an advantage for the pastor, who gained enormous power over the congregation by guiding their every move. Any questioning of the accepted beliefs could only lead to trouble in that sort of arrangement.

 

I was angry about the mind-control aspect of the church for a long time, but now I mostly pity them. It's a big, scary world, I guess, and some people deal with all the uncertainty by essentially letting someone else take the reins and make all important decisions for them. Since, in my experience, those people generally haven't had a lot going for them anyway, at least they got the benefit of having a large population of "sinners" to look down upon. If that's really what they need to get through life, I guess it's not my place to interfere. As for me, though, I prefer to think for myself.

 

Here's one example: Several years after I left the church, I actually had a friend of my parents tell me, in all seriousness, that scientists had found Heaven with the Hubble Space Telescope. His source? A clipping from the Weekly World News. I bit my lip and walked away. Sometimes it feels like clubbing baby seals to argue with someone like that.

[kellyb]

Sometimes it feels like clubbing baby seals to argue with someone like that.

I could not agree more.

[insomniac]

Any questioning of the accepted beliefs could only lead to trouble in that sort of arrangement.

 

I ran into that problem for the duration I was xian (about four years). You either have the "truth" handed to you by your selected denom, or you reach your own conclusions from your own research. At one point I attempted the latter, and stuck with it for a year or so, but it was still ultimately a puddle of xian theories and conjectures (no better than your typical conspiracy theory). No matter how unique your perspective of xianity is (while still being xian), it will always be rooted in theories and conjecures. Just my two cents.

[SunNSand4me]

Great to read your story. I envy your move to the windy city. I live on the other side of the lake in a small beach town in bible-belty West Michigan, yet it feels like a world away from Chi-town. I LOVE my escapes to the city.

[Lorena Rodriguez]

Hey GrewUpFundie,

 

What an awesome story. I love it.

 

I don't love the fact that you had to go through it. I just think it is great that you are out it.

I haven't posted my story here because I am writing it on installments on my blog. But it is similar to yours in many ways.

. I grew up attending a Church of God (of the seventh day though)

. The beliefs of your church were exactly like mine (except for the speaking in tongues)

. I became a Baptist in my twenties (oh! I thought that was progressive)

. It also took me 40 years to walk away

 

Forty years must be a magical number...so many of us have walked away just about then.

 

Thank you for posting and welcome

 

Lorena

[Guest GrewUpFundie]

Great to read your story. I envy your move to the windy city. I live on the other side of the lake in a small beach town in bible-belty West Michigan, yet it feels like a world away from Chi-town. I LOVE my escapes to the city.

 

Thanks! I really like it here so far. I can't wait until my family can share it with me. People seem nicer here; where I grew up, a lot of people asked questions in order to figure out what they should look down on you about. Plus it's nice to be out of the cultural wasteland for a change...

 

 

 

Hey GrewUpFundie,

 

. It also took me 40 years to walk away

 

Forty years must be a magical number...so many of us have walked away just about then.

 

Thank you for posting and welcome

 

Lorena

 

Oh, I've been "away" for the last 10 years or so. In many ways, I've been away my entire life - I don't think I ever really bought the entire story. But it took much longer for me to be fully honest with myself, and admit that I was just not the type of person that would ever be comfortable with the concept of faith.

 

Sometimes I wonder how many people would be Christians if they really sat down and forced themselves to think about it from a dispassionate point of view.

[Brother Jeff]

Welcome to the forums! Glory!