I can't stand that I wasted my life on this bs

[Call_me_Lex]

I literally believed it was all true. Genuinely believed it, and thought I could not hear the holy spirit because I was too sinful, like in not forgiving people who were shitty to me. 

 

Now I'm 40, housewife with no up to date skills. Shitty husband who I can't afford to leave. I never wanted to be a mother but bought into church bs, so here I am resentful as fu**. 

 

I wish I could go back in time. Maybe still have the kids but adopt them out so they are still alive at least in that timeline.

 

Live a real life. But I'm stuck now.

[♦ Fuego ♦]

Welcome to Ex-C! The wake-up is quite a cold splash sometimes, but it helps to clarify that we weren't sinful, rejected by a god, or any of the other shit they throw over non-conformity to the cult. Being stuck with a bad marriage based in the cult is especially difficult. 

 

Best path forward is finding out what you like and don't like, and pursue some interests if possible, and see if you have a chance at becoming independent financially. It is rough doing anything now socially, so I try to imagine being back in the 1920s before a lot of the current expectations of entertainment. I'm learning to can food and dehydrate, still practice singing on occasion to keep up my chops, trying a small garden and hoping to build raised beds, and doing my day-job. Do any of the trades sound interesting (electrician, HVAC, carpentry, plumbing)? They are usually hiring. I'd say info-tech (IT), but that's kind of glutted now. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Sounds like you are really angry and depressed.  Tell us some more about where you are in the process.  Have you stopped going to church?  Does you husband know how you feel?  Do you see ANY avenue for making your situation temporarily more tolerable if you can't make any major changes right now?

 

If there are any dangers of anyone getting hurt, please contact the proper authorities, a women's shelter, mental health center, etc.  And the organization "Recovering from Religion" has counselors you can talk with.  But if you just need to talk about the religious issues, this is a great place to do that.  Tell us more.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

4 hours ago, Call_me_Lex said:

 

 Maybe still have the kids but adopt them out so they are still alive at least in that timeline.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by this statement.  Could you explain?

[Hierophant]

12 hours ago, Call_me_Lex said:

I literally believed it was all true. Genuinely believed it, and thought I could not hear the holy spirit because I was too sinful, like in not forgiving people who were shitty to me. 

 

Now I'm 40, housewife with no up to date skills. Shitty husband who I can't afford to leave. I never wanted to be a mother but bought into church bs, so here I am resentful as fu**. 

 

I wish I could go back in time. Maybe still have the kids but adopt them out so they are still alive at least in that timeline.

 

Live a real life. But I'm stuck now.

 

I understand your frustration, I too made decisions in my life that were centered around Christianity and what I thought Jesus would want me to do. You are in good company here. I say that for the fact that you should not be too hard on yourself. You made decisions at the time based on the information you had. It sucks, I know, but there is no going back in time and fixing it. I understand the desire, but unless we invent time travel, there is no undoing it. You are in a situation now and lingering on what could have been is honestly just going to eat you alive.

 

One warning of advice I will give you is that you should not make any rash decisions based on how you are feeling now. I do not know exactly what you are dealing with, but there is a chance that after these feelings of resentment dissipate, you will be able to think more clearly. That is when you should decide on what you want to do. I do not know what that means for you, but we are the same age and I have come to learn that any decision I made in the heat of an emotional high or low usually did not pan out to my favor.

 

Deconverting is difficult. There is a lot I had to come to terms with over a couple years after I left Christianity.

 

I know how it feels to seem that you are stuck in a situation and there is no way out. You know that is not entirely true, there are other options, but you have to weigh the pros and cons, and it is not until despair you are feeling starts to subside that you will be able to think more clearly about the way forward.

[Call_me_Lex]

16 hours ago, Weezer said:

I'm not sure what you mean by this statement.  Could you explain?

I'm not quite sure how to explain. That if I could go back in time I'd live my youth as a childfree atheist. I'm not quite up to speed on the rules of time  travel . But I would hate for my kids to never have existed. So I would have them but let them be adopted or something like that.

[Call_me_Lex]

Thank you all for the kind words and the support.

To answer some questions,

- I'm no longer going to church even before the pandemic. I just lied I'm going to a different one. My family sees atheists as literally possessed by the devil, and I can't face a confrontation.

- my husband admitted he never believed, just lied so I would marry him and he just went through the motions. His default state is to lie whenever there is anything inconvenient or uncomfortable, I found this out too late.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Everything is impermanent, including your current situation.  

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Some good advise above.  You don't have to be an athiest, or anything else.  If it comes up, just say you are not sure what you believe at this time.  A lot of us went through that phase and placated relatives and others until we were able to pull away.

 

Are you or your children in pyhsical danger?  If so, do you live in an area that has a lot of human services available?  Without using identifying information, it would help if we knew more about your situation.  Or if you just need to vent feelings while you plan what to do, that is fine.  Write all you want.

[◊ Weezer ◊]

Are you financially dependent on your family, as well as husband?

[alreadyGone]

21 hours ago, Hierophant said:

 

I understand your frustration, I too made decisions in my life that were centered around Christianity and what I thought Jesus would want me to do. You are in good company here. I say that for the fact that you should not be too hard on yourself. ...

 

___________________________________

Many of us could say the same.

That regret, expressed in your title of this discussion, is poisonous and deadly.

The later in life you realize what you lost by believing and acting on something so silly, the worse becomes the grief, mourning what might have been.

 

Live long enough and you reach that point where your regrets begin to stack up and loom large behind you. When you realize then how many of those mistakes were predicated on something as silly as Christian religion, it stings.

 

Call_me_Lex, I hope very much that you are able to find peace.

 

 

 

 

 

[Call_me_Lex]

On 1/12/2021 at 1:53 AM, Weezer said:

Are you financially dependent on your family, as well as husband?

 

Sorry for the delay in responding. No physical danger. Thanks for asking.

 

I'm completely financially dependent unfortunately. I'm terrified of trying anything in case it's a worst case scenario and I end up on the streets.

 

Realistically I'd fall on the mercy of a relative before being street homeless, but I feel like I really absorbed the message that without God you're weak and worthless.

[Call_me_Lex]

Thank you all so much. I'm overwhelmed by the compassion and understanding here.

[TheRedneckProfessor]

Y'all tone down the compassion and shit, alright?  Y'all are overwhelming Lex. 

[◊ Weezer ◊]

1 hour ago, TheRedneckProfessor said:

Y'all tone down the compassion and shit, alright?  Y'all are overwhelming Lex. 

 

Hey, we are all a bunch of soft hearted teddy bears underneath our tough veneer!

 

Buy seriously, I had close relatives, and know others who went through similar situations, and know how frustrating it can be.  And Lex, they eventually came through it and are doing well today.  

 

If you need training for a job, check with your local colleges and vocational schools.   They may have some help available.  

[◊ Weezer ◊]

2 hours ago, Call_me_Lex said:

 

 I feel like I really absorbed the message that without God you're weak and worthless.

 

Someday you will realize that is NOT TRUE.  Religion and men conditioned you to be that way, and likely discouraged you from getting an education, to keep you dependent and under their control.  And it is not too late.  I was a late bloomer, and went to college with men and women in their 40s and 50s.